Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Wee wonders and other things (warning kids discussed)

Well it isn't snowing today so there is no floating flakes to view this morning. Instead I sit and look at my wee ones and wonder how I got so lucky? It is amazing to see them playing and smiling at mom. How did they grow so fast, 7 months already? Most of the time I don't believe they came from inside me? As they grow I wonder even more where they came from, am I really a mom? Every little finger, every little toe is so precious and the smiles are like sunshine on a cloudy day. As I sit and wonder what they will be it also crosses my mind that there are actually children out there who are abused and hurt by those that are supposed to protect them. I wonder how someone could hurt something so precious. It makes me sad that every child does not get the love they deserve and that there is so many people out there that would take care of those children if they were given the gift instead. I learned very young that the world is not a fair place and as I age it keeps getting beat into my head... enough already I get IT!

I look at my wee ones in their bib overalls and wonder what they will want to be when they grow up. I worry that they will be unhappy like I was growing up. I worry that I am not being the best mom I can be for them. I worry... I worry... I worry... But I also enjoy every moment I have with them as I know they will not be so little for very long.

So people wonder why I am not spoiling my boys with 'things'. Toys and such. It's not that they don't have any toys but they certainly don't have everything. Friends and family make me feel like a bad person for not spoiling my boys with stuff. I know what it's like to have a lot of stuff and trust me it can't make you happy. What I wouldn't have done to just be good enough for my mom and have a decent relationship with her instead. So because I know stuff doesn't make you happy I would rather spoil my boys with love and attention. I just hope they never feel what it is like to never please a parent or feel like they are not good enough or have all their self esteem stripped away by those that are supposed to love you. I hope I can do so much better for my boys than buy them stuff. (Although I am sure they would like stuff I can never get for them anyway :) )

And now they sleep, nap time, I wish them sweet dreams.

FET Thoughts

I wonder if the scars of IVF and infertility will ever go away and not really matter anymore. I suppose they will always be there but they will fade over time. If the next FET doesn't work I suppose it will always leave a pang of pain in my heart. It would be yet another loss of something that I never had. We only have 4 frozen embies left when they are gone we are done as I cannot afford another Fresh round of IVF. I wish I could but I can't go into more debt when I already have 2 precious angels to worry about. Well there is always the lottery I guess (I can dream right!! ha ha)

So today I am hopeful, I wonder what tomorrow will bring.

Quote of the Day
"Life begets life. Energy creates energy. It is by spending oneself that one becomes rich."
- Sarah Bernhardt

Monday, February 27, 2006

Still snowing and doing the baby dance while waiting for the next HSG

Well it's still snowing today, it is a bit dull but beautiful. Just those nice fluffy light flakes coming down it is still nice to watch. It reminds me back a few years when we used to make a 4 hour trek almost every weekend to the rocky mountains for a weekend on the ski hill. Oh how I miss the fresh mountain air on the ski hill. We haven't skied since 2001 due to all our surgery and IVF 'stuff'. Besides who can afford anything after paying for IVF? The snow today reminds me of standing at the top of the ski hill and looking at the tops of the mountains all around and listening to the swoosh of skiers heading down the hill. The lack of city noise was wonderful. AAaaaah I am in my happy place right now!! ha ha!

FET Thoughts

So what the heck, we are working on the baby dance right now. Wouldn't it be nice if I didn't have to do the HSG next Aunt F? Man I must be a dreamer? Gee I wonder what colour the sky in my world is going to be today? LOL! I still don't know why I keep hoping that I will get PG the old fashion way? Must be that thing called Hope again? One thing that has gotten easier is after 11 years you don't get to disappointed when you don't get PG month after month. It becomes more expected that you aren't. If I ever did get PG the 'old fashion' way I would probably not believe it anyway!!

So I wonder if your odds of getting PG with and FET increase after you had a successful PG? My OB/GYN says so but I am not sure? I wonder how Brooke Shields made out I think it took her 7 tries the first time, I wonder how she made out this time?

Quote of the day
Kites rise highest against the wind - not with it."
- Winston Churchill, Sir

Friday, February 24, 2006

Today is just another Friday

So it is snowing again, beautiful, I love my big window that I can look out when I am in our family room and watch the snow fall during my brief moments of quiet!!

So not much new around here, still healing up from the tooth pulling on Tuesday. Soon I will be back to my usual self. It really isn't too bad other than a bit of a sore jaw. I will be busy this weekend as I am teaching a scrapbooking class on Saturday. It should be fun I just hope the jaw isn't too tired!

Hey I got this from Jenny & thought it was cool so here goes.

How You Life Your Life

You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside.

You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think.

You prefer a variety of friends and tend to change friends quickly.

You have one big dream in your life, and you never lose sight of it.

I guess it's pretty valid, except the changing friends quickly, ya it happens but not by my choice!! :)

FET Thoughts

So what am I thinking today? Pllllleaaaase let the next transfer work!

I continue to struggle with the fact that there are so many people still struggling with IF. If I ever find a genie in a bottle (if only they actually existed) my only wish would be that IF would be a thing of the past. (I suppose the RE's wouldn't be too happy, but there always seems to be lots of OTHER work in women's plumbing!! :))

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Another snowy day - Finally!

Well winter is almost over. After a bedridden summer I am glad it has been an easy one! At least we are finally getting some snow now. Boy is it going to be a dry spring if we don't get some more snow. The poor trees. It is nice to look outside this am and see the snow drifiting down, but I am really glad I don't have to drive anywhere today!

Tooth update... Well it's my second day, still a little swelling and feeling kind of crappy but other than that I am doing great... I just think what I would be doing pre-twins. I suppose I would be in bed for 2 days! I will be so glad when my mouth is all healed up cause I will be done with the wisdom teeth thing now! YEY! Why I waited so long I will never know?

FET Thoughts
I have decided to add a section to my posts to update you on my FET status/thoughts. So today I am still hoping the FET will work however; I don't believe it will. I guess it's a mechanism to protect myself from failure. After two previous failed rounds I know how difficult it is to have a failed cycle. I just pray that it works. I do feel like I am being greedy though. Some go through IVF and never realize their dream and I just being greedy trying again?? I find it so hard not to think of others that are still struggling through this battle, both those I know and those I have never met. I think everyone should have success!!! I have a little hope for others these days as some long time IF'ers are now PG, persistance is a wonderful thing even if it is painful!!

Well off I go to prepare letter to send to government officials to request funding for IVF.

Have a good day!

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

This must be self torture month! ha ha!

This month, first it's teeth pulling then it's HSG. I guess it's clean up month!!

Well I had my last 2 wisdom teeth pulled yesterday! Finally the nasty one is out! I have only been procrastinating for the past 10 or so years!!! Actually longer I suppose! I can't believe I waited so long... A couple of days of discomfort vs. years? I feel a little crappy today but I am glad that I am done. I had the last two out in November, they had to 'dig' one out. It was visible however apparently the extraction was like an impacted tooth. It was much quicker yesterday.

I do hate the noise when they break off though. And when she was pulling the top tooth out I thought that my nose was going to come with it. They had to freeze me twice and still I felt some discomfort, but I wasn't saying anything cause I just wanted the freaking thing out. I did not want to have to wait for another round of freezing to set in.

Well I feel kind of crappy so I think I am going to go off and rest for a while... and scratch darn psoriasis! Dry nasty winters and psoriasis just don't go together well!

Oh I just had to add this... gotta love this post on Dildo Cams!! ha ha (yet another fun thing I get to do this month!)

"It's the constant and determined effort that breaks down all resistance, sweeps away all obstacles."- Claude M. Bristol

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Waiting - impatiently!

Well it is another day and I am still not sleeping so well. Now it's because of all the 'schtuff' going through my rotten head. I wish there was a switch that I could shut my brains OFF at night, I would probably get a lot more sleep that way!

I am starting to get impatient, I just want to get our next FET (frozen embryo transfer - IVF stuff) over with. I want it over with but only if it is successful. I am way more concerned now then I was before we had our twins. I now know it can work and sometimes it doesn't. I also know now truly what I am missing out on. I thought it would be WAY easier after having a successful cycle as I have nothing to loose, I have my boys.. right? WRONG! It should be easier, at least in my mind it should be. If I don't get PG no biggy right? Well I am WAY more freaked out now than before as now I really know what I will be missing out on if the next FET doesn't work. I can't believe how freaked out I am I would have never expected that.

I have been surprised by this whole IVF journey, lots of things that I didn't expect. I did expect to get PG, then I didn't then. I did expect to get PG with my first FET, and I didn't. Then I didn't expect to get PG with my last FET and I DID. Then I expected that my infertility wouldn't matter after I did get PG and it Did. I didn't expect to want to have another child and now more than ever I do want another. I did expect to get more sleep with Twins... and I am not, there is a big shocker!! ha ha! I thought that infertility and IVF would be a thing of the past and it isn't. Wow when you type it out you realize that nothing is what I expected. Hmmm I guess that my thinking that the next FET won't work is a good thing then?

IF sucks doesn't it? But those who have been there really know now don't we.

I guess I am just surprised at how difficult the thoughts of NOT getting PG again would be. I never really understood people who had secondary infertility? Why are they complaining they already have kids... was my thoughts? I guess I was wrong secondary infertility is just as difficult, who would have thought? So now instead of people telling you to relax they tell you well you already have twins what's your problem?

I decided to confide in one friend of mine, I had to tell someone that we were going through IVF again. The only thing she said to me is "Why would you want another one, kids cost money?". I guess I know where her head is (besides up her butt!) . She knows what we went through to get PG I was shocked at what she said. ARG! I need new friends.

Things that bug me today
1) Infertility
2) My lousy useless family
3) annoying friends
4) my fat arce!! ha ha!

"Always do what you are afraid to do."- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Friday, February 17, 2006

Sleep deprived and loving it?? (warning kids discussed)

Sleep deprivation is a wonderful thing? Ok maybe not! Well at 4 months my boys started sleeping through the night, I was REALLY happy... my next goal, sleeping until 8am. At 5 months my goal was reached YEY! I was enjoying the 8am wakings, much better than 3am. Well at 6 months one of my twins decided that 8am was just too late to get up. He has continued to wake up earlier and earlier and this morning it was 4:30am. I have tried everything to get him to go back to sleep, all that ends up happening is he wakes up the brother! So now I grab him out of bed when he starts chattering and take him into our room. It is the only way to shut his little chattering mouth!! :)

In the mean time I am also trying to get brother back to sleep as he has woken him up. Great! I only have one bedroom that I can put them in... I think it's time to move (hmm moving with kids... ya I don't know how people do that!)

So now I will have two crabby boys this morning due to lack of sleep, I hope they nap this morning or mom is going to be a little grumpy too!! Poor dad when he gets home from work.

Well as much as I like to complain I am sure lucky to have a dear sweet boy to interupt my sleeping time and two dear sweet boys to take up all my spare time. Their little smiles make it all worth while! Although I sure wish they would sleep a little longer, mom doesn't do well on 4 or 5 hours of sleep!

Here's to a long nap this morning!!! And no tears! (from mom!! ha ha!)

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

HSG Anyone?

Well today is the day I go to get my paperwork for my next HSG. Yuck! It is starting to feel more real that we are actually going to try another round of IVF. I am glad it's just a frozen cycle though as it is a lot easier than the egg retrieval 'stuff'. If it wasn't for the frosties we would be done anyway as we couldn't afford another fresh cycle.

So you are reading this post and wonder what the heck an HSG is... here is my attempt at some humor. So the first time you go for an HSG the good news is the dr. tells you a lot of people get PG after and HSG as it clears things out (ie your tubes). Oh goody something to look forward too! The short form of an HSG is they inject some dye into your uterus (through the opening that already exists) and xray it to see if your tubes are blocked and I also think they check the shape of the uterus as well. (My version, a nasty dye test that makes you want to strangle the dr.)

So you have to call the first day of your cycle (after charting for 3 years it might as well become public knowledge that today is day one of your cycle!!). So the clinic calls you back and books you an appointment for day 3 of your cycle (ok now I am mortified I have to see a dr. and I have my period... great!). Ok the 3rd day arrives and you show up for your appt. A nice nurse shows you to a change room and gets you to gown up, and reminds you to remove your underwear (WTF it's day 3 you crazy woman I am still flowing HELLO!). So you get all ready and PRAY you don't have an 'accident'. You wait and wait and wait. Finally the nurse comes in and says the dr is late you can go sit in the waiting room with your husband (duh what about the underwear? So you put it back on and go and sit with your dear husband who left work to take you for the dye test. It's a dye test how bad can it be?? They said there could be a little cramping, hmm how bad can it be.) So after sitting there for an hour in your fancy hospital duds the dr. finally will be there shortly. The nurse says come on in. (Duh the underwear again, have to go 'get ready') In to the room you go. There is a nice tray with one of those sterilized green hospital drapes on it but you can see stuff poking out. Like the metal alligator (holly frick it looks HUGE!)

So you lay down on the table, after quite some time the dr FINALLY makes his appearance. (OK so I have had major surgery this doc. has seen EVERYTHING so I am trying to stay calm) So they start with the metal alligator. (I swear to god it felt like they could have pushed a large baby through the opening they created! Ok maybe not that bad, but it did feel worse than the average tool used for a pap smear!) What's next, the dr. cleans off the cervix. (WTF is this guy late for an appt or does he have to go pee or something... can ya be a little gentle, I wonder how he would feel if someone man handled his 'jewels' like that!!) I really didn't enjoy that at all, and why the heck does my cervix need cleaning anyway, it has been that way for how many years?? Then the dye 'injector' comes. When the dr. says this may pinch a little he is LYING. (Pinch a little, what the heck is that all about??? He should have his 'jewels' pinched a little and see what he thinks, maybe he will rethink the words 'a little')

Well we have made it this far, phew. The pinching should be the worst right? WRONG! So the dr. starts injecting the dye and happily says you can watch on the screen. (Hmmm I thought that was pretty cool, you could see the uterus start filling up... then HOLLY FIRE-TRUCK, OUCH. What the heck... ya I am not watching that anymore.) The more the dye moved upward on the monitor the more 'uncomfortable' it got. (Ya like one freaking tylenol pre-procedure is going help that!!) So then we get up to the tubes, yup they are both clear. Then the dr. behind the 'glass' (The dude that interprets the results) says we can't see the right tube very well can you roll over. Did I mention all the 'stuff' is still in the nether regions? (WTF you want me to roll over? Are you freakin nuts. How about we stand on your 'jewels' and see if you want to roll over, how about we just drive over you with a freakin car? Yes I was happy especially since I didn't even have a right ovary so who the heck cares if the tube is open or not? DID YA READ MY CHART???) My dr. tried to tell dumarce behind the window that I had no right ovary but he waited until I was trying to roll. I imagine my disgust and/or pain was quite visible on my face as the nurse kept asking me if I was OK (So what would they have done if I said no? Ya I am freakin OK I feel like I am having surgery without any pain meds... ya I am freaking OK? You want to swap roles for 10 mins!)

Finally the dye injection stops and the freakin rolling from side to side is DONE. It's like a HUGE relief, good lord I haven't even slapped someone yet today. So you look at the clock it feels like an hour has passed, hmm 15 mins with the dye and That's it. They made me lay there for a little while I guess I was a little pale. Personally I just wanted to get the frick out of there, get my underwear and go home! So finally you get to go, they send you to the biffy to clean up if you are lucky you get the room with the biffy attached, otherwise you have to cross the hall (great I hope I don't make a mess). So you clean up, get dressed and go home. After spending approx 1/2 hour in 'the room' you feel like you have been hit by a truck. But once again you have HOPE as the tubes weren't blocked YEY... little did I know I was on my way to an 'unexplained' infertility diagnosis.

If you haven't had an HSG and have to have one it really isn't so bad, it is over with so quickly!! Thank goodness!

Hope I 'injected' some humor into your day! Yes that was supposed to be somewhat funny!!

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Happy Valentines Day! (warning kids discussed)

Well another year another Valentines day. I look out the window and it is a dreary day with snow falling. It was kind of cool my dear husband brought me home three roses yesterday, one from him and one from each of my boys. How sweet, it was such a nice surprise. I feel like a bad parent today I didn't get my boys anything for their first valentines. I will probably make them some cards later, at 7 months old I don't think that they will really be too worried about valentines yet!! (At least I hope not!)

They are sleeping now, I should be too as they haven't been sleeping very well the last week or so. One has started waking up a night quite frequently... and getting up super early. So if my post doesn't make sense it's due to sleep deprivation!

I didn't do anything for my husband this year as I haven't been out at all. I should get busy and make him a Valentine from me and the boys. Valentines hasn't been the same since the year my husband was fired on Valentines day!!

Anyway I hope everyone has a wonderful Valentines day!!

"My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me."- Henry Ford

Monday, February 13, 2006

Another day another dissapointment

Lucky me good old Auntie Flo finally came to visit, did I mention I was a week late (not usually late)? Like I thought this month would be any different than any other month? We have only been trying the last two months so why would I begin to even get my hopes up? Because I am a freakin idiot that's why. Ok maybe not but sheesh you think I would give up. But you hear all these stories about people who go through IVF have a success PG then POOF they get PG the old fashion way at the drop of a hat! YA right like that would be me? Ya some people get pg after HSG's too oh ya and all those people who get PG on the waiting list for IVF... ya not me either (really have you ever met one of these people??? Or is it just some false hope that dr's/nurses/friends like to pass on to the IF!)

Well I guess it's not all bad, had to go to a funeral on Saturday. 60 years old just doesn't seem that old once you hit 30. It was very sad he had two kids in their 20's. Life insurance all messed up so it looks like the wife may be left to pay ALL the remaining bills herself. Yikes. And to think I am whining about my bad day... at least I have my family.

So what else is new? Not much just the same old stuff! I did manage to get some house cleaning done this weekend in preparation for my scrapbooking workshop this coming weekend. Wooohoo this coming weekend is a long weekend, which is good, but I get my remaining 2 wisdom teeth out on Tuesday... yuck what a way to wreck a weekend!! ha ha! Ya I will be glad to get my last two wisdom teeth out finally (long story), I had to have the last two out in November. It wasn't much fun but it is much better without them, I get way to many infections in the darn things. I sure hope they don't have to 'dig' the remaining two out. (I guess that's what you get for waiting WAY to long to have the extracted!)

"Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops...at all."- Emily Dickinson

Friday, February 10, 2006

Sure glad it's Friday

Wohoo it's friday!!! Even though I am off work right now I still love fridays!! That means my dh is home for the weekend. I have to start getting ready for a scrapbooking workshop I am having in two weeks. I better start now as it takes me a while to get cleaned up! I have a couple of gals coming over to spend the day scrapbooking, it is a lot of fun and a nice break from everything for me. I actually did a scrapbook to document our IVF experiences, it was very good for me. My scrapbooking hobby was the only thing that got me through our first round of IVF.

So needless to say I will be busy cleaning this weekend. Oh yes and we have our big outing Saturday night, grocery shopping! How exciting, oh well at least its a trip out of the house!

unfortunately I have a funeral I have to go to on Saturday morning. Very sad, a neighbour growing up passed away from Cancer. His kids are about 6 or 7 years younger than I. It must be a very difficult time for their family, I can't even imagine. I think he is in his late 50's (I am not great remembering ages, but I am pretty sure he was a little younger than my dad) It makes you think how short life can be so you better enjoy it the first time!! I am a really emotional person I sure hope I can hold it together at the funeral, I hate that I cry for EVERYTHING makes me feel like a marshmallow. It's kind of embarrassing, so wish me luck.

Off I go to work on some cleaning and 'stuff'. Talk to you Monday... Ya I take the weekend off of blogging... Have a good one

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Our first Twins club meeting (Warning Kids Discussed)

Ok so I am trying to move past my Infertility and really believe that I am a parent and that no one is going to knock on my door and say oops sorry there was a mistake your boys are actually ours.

That being said I am trying to do some of the things that one with kids would do. That is really hard as I have been avoiding the topic of kids for pretty much my whole marriage! It definitely is a shift in thinking.

So anyway I heard about this great twins club and my husband and I decided to join. We were there just on time (I am ususally early to everything, I guess that is a trait of having no concept of time??) The meeting was supposed to go from 7 - 9pm so we were there at 7 on the nose. Cool finally I wasn't a half an hour early!!! Guess what the meeting didn't start until 7:30... crap we were the first one's there!! It was kind of weird being the first ones there as they have the meetings at a cemetery (I guess they get the room for free). The dude that worked there was telling us about the new addition they are putting on the cemetery - Ok so was he trying to sell us plots or what?? ha ha!!

Well it was a great meeting (although the 2 pg ladies there did kind of bother me but I think that PG ladies will always bother me, I just have to accept that! Hopefully when I am 50 that will change!). They had a guest speaker that was awesome and it just so happened that she had been through IVF and had twins too.

Well I must say it was a good thing for me. Chatting about parenting instead of IF. I need my IF chats too but I really need to accept that I am finally a parent too. It's kind of a contradiction dealing with IF after having twins now isn't it!!! No wonder I am sooo confused! Oh well in my words that I tell everyone that is going through sh*t... time makes everything easier, once some time passes your perspective changes. So I suppose I will take my own advice and just give it some time.

Oh yes and it was our first time away from the boys, we left them with some friends and it went great. I think they were better for our friends than us... hmm it has started already...

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Arrg.. to the Fertile ones!!

The frustration continues! Ok so I know these two gals with 'fertility issues' (I wouldn't call them fertility issues myself but each to their own, they are entitled!)

So gal A calls me after the FIRST month of trying to get PG. She is young, only 22. Well anyway she didn't get PG the first month of trying. (OMG how awful I am thinking, but I have to be nice, cause that would be rude.) She phoned me cause I had experience with not getting PG. Ok so I felt bad for her cause you never know what you are in for and I wasn't using the standard... Relax it will happen... or you're trying to hard... etc you know them all if you have been there. Needless to say I would not have called someone to yammer on about how difficult it is not to be PG after 1 MONTH of trying when that person had tried for 11 years. She wondered what she should say to the people that told her to Relax and it will happen as she figured that I have heard that a couple of times (Ya that and When am I going to get grandkids... we won't go there right now though). So anyway I told her that I really wanted to tell these people to f-off but didn't think that was something I should say so I said I just ignored it (and let it fester inside my already deep cavernous pit of pain.. I didn't tell her that part though) Anyway I bit my lip and was very nice eventhough the whole time I was thinking call me back in 6 months then I will be ready to help you out a bit... I guess after 11 years I am a little grumpier than when I started. I tried to reassure her that I had read that there is only a 25% chance that you can get PG in any given cycle. So two more months passed and I got the crying calls that she wasn't PG and how awful it was. I did feel bad for her as I wouldn't wish any fertility issues on anyone... Needless to say the next month she was PG. Well at least now I don't hear from her once a month. I did myself feel like crap though. WTF yet another one gets PG the 'old fashion way'? It still sends a pang of pain every time I hear another one is PG. (I really wonder if that will ever stop bugging me) Did I mention that this gal is seriously over weight and doesn't eat properly at all, even being PG she is not eating well... Now that just pisses me off... at least take care of yourself for your baby's sake. Not like I care if she is big, no offence intended to anyone on the larger side of the scale. Hey I am there too (a little on the large size). Well that was gal A!

On to Gal B. So this friend knows EXACTLY what I have been through. She tried for 6 months and couldn't get PG so she had to take clomid for 3 months and bango PG! So I think that is 9 months of trying if I do my math correctly? Ya she knows EXACTLY what I went through, I am sure she totally understands what 2 failed IVF cycles feel like too!!! Not that I am saying that what she went through wasn't difficult. It's the worst thing that she has ever been through in her life so I am quite sure it felt horrible, but for god sakes don't tell someone that was TTC for as long as we have that she knows what I am going through. Anyway she has a 2 year old. I haven't heard from her for a while but for some reason she decided to call me. They wanted to have another kid but clomid is so difficult (I wouldn't know I was on and off it for 3 years) she wasn't sure if she wanted to go through all that again. Me being a little hardened by the whole journey is thinking ... buck up it only took ya 3 tries the last time, it may just work again this time... isn't a little discomfort worth it if you really want to try again?? But that is just my lousy tainted opinion. (I would go through a fresh cycle of IVF again if I could afford it and let me tell ya clomid was a cake walk compared to egg retrieval, but that's just my opinion). Back to the story. So this gal was bitching about clomid and not sure if she should or not cause its so HARD. I bit both of my lips again and was very nice and asked her if it was worth it the first time?? She agreed it was but she swore she would never take clomid again because it made her crabby (Ok like she is the moodiest person I know like she would get any crabbier... long story won't go there). Well anyway she decided to go off the pill cause her hubby really wanted to try again. Guess what she phoned me the next month to tell me she was PG. She wasn't happy??? WTF?? I think she just called to rub it in that she was PG. Ok so guess what I feel like crap again. The gold old feeling of why her and not me, what the heck did I do to p*ss off mother nature?

Will the pain of IF ever go away? I don't think so. I think it will lessen over the years but no matter what comes my way, even if I had 5 kids it would still be there. Oh well I guess it is what is part of the definition of what makes me who I am.

IF sucks!

Monday, February 06, 2006

Breastfeeding... the end (warning Kids discussed)

Ok so after six months I decided it was time to wean the boys. There sure isn't as much info on weaning as there is on breastfeeding!! So why did I decide to wean? #1 I have to if I want to go through another round of IVF, #2 I won't B/F in public with twins so I am feeling VERY housebound, #3 it's been a lot of extra work (I will explain later), #4 I stopped pumping after every feed and now the boys are annoyed that my production is down.

Ok so first I will tell you all about a day in the life of B/Fing twins. For the first 5 & 1/2 months I would B/F then supplement with formula and expressed breast milk, then I would pump for 10 minutes. Then I would have all the extra pumping equipment to clean, bottles and I would have to prepare for the next go round... oh ya and did I mention nipple sheilds (I never did wean the boys off of them, my fault!) Then I would also have to freeze the extra expressed breast milk for another day. When the boys started sleeping through the night I was still getting up at 3am to pump, it seemed to be the only way to keep my supply up. Feeding was more like a chore than enjoyable. It was difficult for me to give up the pump but I really needed to, I would rather spend the extra time with the boys then pumping! When I stopped pumping the boys were not happy and one of them began to wean himself.

I feel somewhat guilty for stopping pumping and b/fing, I am not sure why as I only planned on trying to make it for 3 months and here I am at 6 months. I guess it's because I quit so that I could go through another round of IVF? Anyway as of last Saturday I am done b/fing... I am still sore I hope that goes away soon.

Well I guess I am free now, free to do what I am not sure?? Ha Ha

Trying again - the old fashion way!

Ok so while I am waiting for my HSG appointment I figured why not try to get PG the old fashion way right? After 11 years of TTC and 2 failed rounds of IVF and one round of successful IVF what the heck would make me think that I could possible get PG unassisted?? Am I freaking crazy? I must be!!! It would be nice to save the costs of another round of IVF, but something tells me that I won't be that lucky!

I am patiently waiting for Aunt Flo to show up again (I really don't like mother nature at all, she is an awful crabby one that's for sure). I am quite sure she will she ALWAYS does!! And yet again I will be dissapointed. Why is that? You would think I would learn after so many years. None of our family or friends know that we are trying again... I don't want to hear the typicall comments that people that have never dealt with IF say!! Why is it people feel they have to say SOMETHING??? Just keep your freaking mouth shut? (That should be a button for people with IF issues!! ha ha)

Well another day will pass and I will still be hoping that I will be lucky enough that Aunt Flo will skip me this month!

To anyone out there suffering with IF, I wish you all success.

Friday, February 03, 2006

Things that make you go Hmmmm

Ok I was in a clothing store that sells plus sizes and regular sizes... Can you tell me why they put a mirror that makes you look short and VERY wide in the plus size section?? My god the darn thing would have made a size 0 look LARGE and about 2 feet shorter than in person. I thought clothing stores were only supposed to have the mirrors that make you look smaller!

Anyway that's just my evening rant!!

What the heck are they looking at? (warning kids discussed)

Ok so could someone please tell me what are my children looking at?? My 6 month twins seem to always be staring off into space and smiling at what seems to be nothing?? What could possibly be so interesting when staring at a wall? I guess they can see things we can't? Or find amusement in walls maybe? If only we could tell what is really going on in the mind of a baby it would be truly interesting.

Annoyance of the day. Ok so I don't know if you heard or not

Morning Rant!

Ok so I bought some video editing software... did the try before you buy thing and thought it was pretty good, a little slow but lots of features. So after paying $100 cdn I installed the software, spent 2 days editing 60 minutes of video and WHAM the file is corrupt or something and I seem to have lost all my changes!! GREAT!!!! (note the sarcasm!) So I emailed the company and they gave me this long list of things to do and final resort was to re-install the software. Well that didn't work either. I can create new files but not edit the one I created, I can't even open it, the software shuts down when I open it. ARRRG... Well I sent the company another email, lets hope they can resolve my issue I really would like to be able to recover the 2 days worth of work I did.... It's not like I have a lot of spare time these days!

Ok now I feel better!! I will keep you posted on the outcome.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Amazing day (warning kids discussed)

Ok so last night I am sitting holding one of my babies and all of a sudden I got this strong rush of love. It was amazing to just look at this little one knowing he was my son and he was here and he wasn't going anywhere. I look at the boys and see them smiling and moving and it makes it so real. After six months you would think I would know that they are mine and no one is going to knock at the door and take them away. I guess now it's finally sinking in that I actually have a family. (It took me almost my whole pregnancy to believe I was actually pregnant so I am not surprised that it is taking me a while to believe that the boys are actually ours)

It wasn't a great day either, the boys were pretty crabby, poor things got their shots the day before.

Every child truly is a miracle and I sure hope we can have another one.

Blog things

Ok so I was thinking if I was still suffering with IF (infertility) that I wouldn't want to read about someone's kids. I have decided to mark any posts with talk about my kids with a warning. Then if you want you can read about my next round of IVF and not my kids. I will put (warning kids discussed) in the title so you can ignore those if you prefer. (Assuming anyone ever reads my blog!!:) )

I just want to be sensitive to those that haven't had success yet cause I still understand the pain of IF, unfortunately it doesn't just go away after a pregnancy. I really wish that everyone could be a success story, it pains me to know that some people never do realize their dreams of being PG.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Thoughts on another go at IVF

Thoughts on another go at IVF and miscellaneous ranting!

Well as of December we are on the waiting list again for another Frozen Embryo transfer. I have to go through another HSG and another ultrasound. The ultrasound is no biggy but I am not looking forward to the HSG. Oh well if I get pregnant again it will be all worth it.

I am so nervous about going through the whole process again, the first 3 times were no fun at all. The worst part is that you go through all this emotional stuff then you get pregnant and all of a sudden you get everything you ever wanted so the old stuff should go away right? Wrong! My pregnancy was wonderful, I think I had double the happy hormones with having twins and I was so happy but when it was all over I realized that the old pain of the previous year was still there. Now it was even harder to deal with as I was pregnant and I had 2 healthy boys, so it was like I had no right to complain. I guess 10 years of infertility does take its toll on a person, but now all the friends you have met along the way you really don't want to burden with 'your issues' as they are still fighting for their own families. So now where do I fit? It seems to me that those that get pregnant don't really talk about the 'before' anymore. I also found that while I was struggling I really didn't have any sympathy for those who got pg, so I really don't want to unload on the people who really do understand the pain of IVF. Anyway I am still struggling with the old 'stuff' so I am nervous of going down that road again, but I really want to have more children.

So now I am playing the waiting game again and the hoping. Yes if it doesn't work I was lucky to have the boys... I am getting really sick of hearing that. It was like before I had them hearing, oh it will happ... just relax! (Ya it happened but it sure wasn't because I was relaxed!!) And why the heck shouldn't I be upset if it doesn't happen again?? It really is the same as before I had children. I want another child and if I loose another embryo it will hurt just as much as the first 7 I lost. Ok so if I was reading this before my dear sons I would have thought whatever she should be happy with what she has stop complaining? I am sorry if I have offended anyone still trying that is not my intention, just be prepared if you have success life can still be as difficult if you are trying again. That is one thing I was not prepared for!! I thought after I had a pregnancy that infertility would be behind me… I wish.

I am now sure that another pregnancy would not put all that crap behind me, I guess it will always be with me but that's ok it will always be a reminder of how lucky I am to have my twins and hopefully another baby!!

Enough ranting about the past, on to the future! I am really hoping the next transfer works, I am not sure if I am all that prepared if it doesn't. I really want to get pregnant again, the longing for another is just as bad as before, maybe worse because now I know how wonderful it is (hmm after 3 months of bed rest you would think I would be over that). I am hoping that we have a singleton next time as another set of twins would be difficult with twin toddlers around. I am not sure how many embies we are going to transfer next time as I am really nervous about twins, how could I do 3 months of bed rest with small ones around the house? I have already determined that my family will be of NO help at all so I would be screwed. I wouldn't complain if I had another set though as if it happens again it would be my last pregnancy and I wouldn't complain about having more kids.

I don't think there is anyway that I can prepare myself for the next go round as I haven't tried this after being pregnant and I know that each time is a truly unique experience with a whole new set of things to worry/think about.

Anyway wish me luck and I will keep you posted as the process really gets going. I have my next dr's appointment on Feb 15th to get the HSG scheduled.