Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Happy Halloween...

I love Halloween, the cute little kids all dressed up and handing out candy. (Not really into the creepy part but the decorations and kids are all good!) Before we were lucky enough to have success with IVF I found it hard but loved it all the same.

I tried to make arrangements to have my Dad come over and hand out Candy so I could take the kids out with my hubby. I hate leaving the house and not giving candy to the costumed ones. Anyway Grandma and Grandpa were too busy. So I took the boys out to a neighbours house, then my husband and I loaded up the stroller and went to some friends houses. (Still feeling guilty about one of us not being home, but that was our only choice. Originally I was going to drive over to Grandma and Grandpa's neighbourhood as there was some folks I wanted to go to there, but since they were busy I figured I would just do the walk around the neighbourhood instead of going for a drive.) The boys seemed to have fun, the girl slept. They were fascinated by their 'loot'! Inspecting it all, and one of them was trying to figure out how to open stuff. The boys were 2 bees. I thought they were pretty cute! (But I'm the mom so I am supposed to think that! LOL).

Anyway we had fun. I thought Grandma and Grandpa would stop by (they come over every year at Halloween). But no! I guess the Missy's first Halloween wasn't important to them (or thanksgiving). I wonder if Christmas is on their list?

We take possession of the new house tomorrow. I am somewhat nervous, but it's all going to be OK! Right? My parents who offered to help decided to pull down their fence last weekend so now they are busy. I am done with that woman. I feel as though I don't rate, and now I feel like my kids don't either. I wouldn't really care if they were busy, but my entire life she has gone out of the way for everyone else on a regular basis. I guess I am not entitled to any help from them, actually all I really wanted was to have her spend time with the boys so I could get some stuff done. I thought she would like to be with the kids. I guess I was wrong.

It's one thing for her to be that way with me, but now things have changed. Don't put my kids second to your effing neighbour's kids. I am done with her. I think that there is going to be another discussion this weekend (just what I need) and it won't be nice, nothing is ever nice with her.

Now I must go to bed.

I finally made a Dr's appt for next Tuesday. I am hoping that they can help me with the anxiety attacks that are keeping me up every night now (thanks mom for adding to my stress). I feel lucky that no matter how crappy I am feeling I am still enjoying those precious angels that I am lucky to have. Thank god for the small things. (3 small things :))

Good Night and hope you are all well

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Monday, October 22, 2007

A post on trying to heal...

So there was a bit on the radio today about infertility. I decided to listen in. I was surprised at how emotional I became and then I had one of those light bulb moments. (It's amazing how long it takes me to figure out the obvious!)

For a long time I have been beating myself up. Why don't I feel better about all this IF stuff? I have been lucky enough to have 2 successful IVF PG's. All this time I thought having a baby was the cure to infertility. This though process has made it difficult for me to realize that it's ok to still suffer from the pain of IF. Today I learned that a child is the goal but not the cure. A baby does not fix or solve years of suffering through IF, it just stops the thought that you are never going to have a child.

Now I have to give myself permission to enjoy my children and permission to allow myself to recover from all the time I spent in IF h*ll. After 11 years of suffering it's amazing that in my little brain that I would think that now I have had 2 successful PG's that IF is just gone... POOF! (Don't I wish!)

Before I had a successful PG I found the local support group a great place to go and talk. I just wish that they had a support group for those still struggling after success. Maybe I should contact the group and see if they would do a session like this. I am sure I am not the only one out there? Or maybe I am just nuts! :) I do so appreciate the folks in my computer, but I would like it so much more if we could get together every now and again.

-on the hubby front not much has changed. I am just to tired to deal with that 'stuff' right now
-moving still sucks and so does the packing, I am sick of feeling anxious about it all the time. I am hoping that I feel better once we are settled.
-I am loosing tonnes of hair and have started gaining some bald spots, yuck. I am getting very worried as I know some hair loss is normal but this is way more than I had with my last PG. It's a good thing I have thick hair as it's so thick in some spots that I can hide the bald spots so far. Yes I need to get to the dr.
-my mother is more evil than ever. She offered to help pack but has only been here a couple of days. She shows up here to be a b*tch and just leaves. All I have asked her for is to just come and play with the kids for a while so I can get some stuff done. I can live with me not being important, but the lack of interest in my kids breaks my heart.
-I am still having trouble with my hormones, I am either on a high or a low. I really need to get to the Dr. The chaos of moving is not helping and the lack of sleep is not helping and the hubbs is not helping and 2 adorable 2 year olds aren't helping.

The Positives
I am getting stuff packed. My little boys are not so grumpy now that I have adjusted their napping schedule, unfortunately I no longer get my hour in the morning of 'getting stuff done' time. They are busy nattering all day and their hugs are golden.

My Missy... Love her to death! I feel like the boys really lost out as they had to share my time when they were babies. One baby at a time is a dream (minus the colic). I feel so connected to her, in a way I wasn't able to with the boys. I was so worried that I would hold one longer than the other or that one was getting more from me that I think they got less of me due to my worrying. I also found I bonded with one right away and it was hard to get the other one in there too and I was so concerned about it that I think it took longer. Anyway with the Missy it's just so easy, the boys are at a different stage and require other things of me so I can bond with her in a way I couldn't with the boys. I am not sure if this makes sense but one baby is just easier for me.

And I leave you with my nightly routine.

After the Missy is fed. I wrap her up and put her in the play pen, then I go do the things I need to and she heads off into dream land. Then I pick her up and hold her for a while and just look at her little face (and wish she wouldn't grow quite so fast) and just enjoy. Then I put her in the bassinet beside my bed and go to sleep. Now this truly is a dream come true for someone who tried so long to have a baby.... good night

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Monday, October 15, 2007

To much...

Well the proverbial sh*t hit the fan around here last night. I finally got through some 'stuff' with my husband that has been brewing for a very long time. I haven't been able to talk to him for so long, he just gets so angry with me whenever I bring anything up so I have been bottling stuff up for so long it just wasn't good. Well it all came out last night. I tried to be the bigger person and not just yell and scream and blame as we all know it takes two. It finally came out that I am only moving to try to make him happy. He was not to happy with this, but I told him I kept trying to talk to him about it and all he did was get mad. How am I supposed to talk to someone who shuts down and gets angry every time I try to bring up the hard stuff.

Since the boys were born we have just gotten farther apart. I really don't know how to fix the damage and he is still so angry with me over some of the things I said, there was more but I just can't get into it now. He needs to accept that I am feeling the way I am because of his actions regardless of how he 'thinks' I should feel.

We have had one or two other 'talks' since the boys were born and it seems that things are good for a little while then it's back to the regular stuff. I want to believe that things will change but it seems that old habits are much easier to fall back on then trying to make things better. I so want to be positive, but I really don't have a lot of hope right now. I pray thing change and that the move ends up being a new beginning for us, but I know marriage is hard and marriage after IF and with kids is even harder. I thought all the crap we went through before the kids and the strength of our marriage back then would be enough to endure anything. He knows I am having a really tough time, yet he is doing nothing to ease the extra stress that I do not need.

I just want us to be happy, we should be, we beat that miserable bastard infertility. We should be so freaking happy that we annoy everyone around us.

Birthday update - no card, no nice dinner, no gift, no cake, no 'happy birthday', nothing... guess he was to busy.
Move Update
-still packing, no help so it is getting really old. I can only pack when the kids are all napping at once as the boys are just to busy and into things when I try to do it when they are around. My mother was supposed to come over and help on the weekend but she was to busy (did I mention that when my aunt moved she was over every day and weekend. She even kept dad up on work nights so she could go help. Guess it 'looks' better to help her pack)

Now I have to end off on a positive note. Little Missy is growing like a weed (which isn't helping my sadness, she is growing way to fast). She has now started staring at her hand. She loves to watch her brothers and she will cry if she can't see them. The boys love to kiss her and make sure that she has a blanket to keep warm. The boys are finally starting to learn some new words, bubble, house, apple, and some form of orange are the newest. One of the boys has to give me a kiss on each cheek before bed. (insert mom going aaaah here). The boys love to colour and I think they are starting to understand about the lines. The cheek kisser even learned to draw circles today.

It's 11:20pm I really need to get to bed, night all

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Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Happy Birthday to me...

My kids have been screaming all day. I am suffering from Postpartum depression which is making the screaming unbearable. Packing my house is going slow. My mom phoned to tell me they had the BEST thanksgiving ever (this past weekend in Canada). She spent it with someone elses family, guess her grandkids don't count for sh*t. I am not getting enough sleep as Missy has decided to go back to 2 times a night feeding. Oh ya and I am another freaking year older! (My husband forgot to wish me a Happy Birthday this morning when I talked to him). I just want to cry.

On a good note it was a year today that I had my transfer for Missy. :)

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