Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Grumpy Post....

I am grumpy, that about sums it up. So here is my big grump post... the one you wish you had skipped I am sure.

So why am I grumpy?

1) I lost a twin and I feel as though most of the people around me don't feel as though it was an actual loss... that baby did have a heart beat, it was alive for a very short time... it is a loss, so frig you nasty friends and relatives.

2) The day after we found out we lost one of our twins I get a call from the local health nurse. (Apparently I am her only contact for the Twins club that we belong to). So she asks me how I am doing, I proceed to fill her in on the loss of one of our twins. In the next breath she asks me if I know if there is any respite care available through the twins club as one of her clients just had her second set of twins. Kick me when I am down lady. Did she really have to give me the details? The worst part was they would have been about the same gap between my boys and the new set of twins had that of actually happened.

3) My mother. I really need to move. So while we were waiting for our u/s we were dragged to the biggest mall in North America (at least I think it's still the biggest anyway), for my dad's work kids Xmas party. I wasn't feeling well but I figured I better go or I would be in trouble. (Who am I kidding I will be in trouble no matter what I do!). It was at the amusement park in the mall, which really didn't have much for the age my boys are at. But Grandma doesn't GET IT! So we get out there, it's a freaking zoo, I felt like crap. Grandma wants us to wait in line for 1 hour (or more) to take the boys on the train so she can get a photo. I couldn't do it. I thought I was going to pass out. Holding a screaming crying kid just wasn't what I was up to that day. So we bailed from the line, Grandma was not happy. The saga continued until we had to grouchy kids that were going to make US PAY later. I told her we had to go, they had enough, not to mention it was an hour past their nap time. Well guess what I was in trouble again, I guess Grandma wasn't ready to go. Maybe we should have just left her with 2 screaming one year olds and told her to meet us later. Well by the time we got home I guess she was REAL mad at me??? I had asked her to stay with the boys as I had to go to a bridal shower and I was doing a scrap booking 'thing'. I needed some help lifting as I was not supposed to while we waited for the u/s. She didn't want to stay but said that she would help me with the lifting.... well guess what she just went home, f-me I guess?

4) My mother.. yup again. My mother is supposed to babysit the boys one day a week since I went back to work... in 3 months I think she has had them twice. Well I had booked a vacation day on one of her days, I assumed she could come for a couple of hours in the morning to give me a bit of a break as I really was stressed (pre u/s) and feeling very ill due to pg (not that I am complaining, just happy to still be PG). Well as soon as I asked her to come anyway she got all pissed off, she has stuff to do (decorating her house for Xmas, guess that is more important than spending time with the grand kids). Needless to say when I asked her to come over in the morning (my worst time of day) so that I could rest a bit she said NO. (As soon as she heard the word REST I lost her... she said she could come over in the afternoon if I wanted... when the boys are napping how helpful.) This was the last straw for me. She is so busy telling everyone how much she does for us and she couldn't even come over to help me out for 2 freaking hours in the morning. (She is the first one to help anyone and everyone else out so I certainly know where I rate in her freaking list... somewhere under the garbage pile I suppose)

5) My mother... My dad's birthday is coming up, she invited us over for cake on Sunday. It is FREAKING cold here and I am really feeling sick still, and we won't mention that my husband and I are still trying to deal with our bad news last week. (But she doesn't give a crap about any of that anyway) So I asked if they could come over here for cake instead. NO, your father said our house or nowhere. (She didn't even ask him) I tried to explain that I am not feeling very well and that trying to keep track of the boys in a so far from Child Proofed house is exhausting, not to mention that we have the high chairs etc at our house, not to mention that the boys need to go to bed at a certain time (although according to her I shouldn't be doing that anyway). Oh ya and not to mention that it is a bit of work to get two little ones ready to go outside in this horrible weather.... It's all about HER and what SHE wants, well this time I am not giving in, if they want to have f-ing cake with us they can come over here. So bite me nasty woman! Is is not enough for her that I lost a freaking baby last week, she just has to keep being evil and mean.

6) My mother... hmm I see a trend! She finally shows up on 'her day' to look after the boys. So what is the first thing that she does? f-up their schedule of course. When we had our other lady come in I wrote up a little 'user manual' of what we do and at what times we do it, it also works well if we have someone else come in to look after the little gaffers. I have kept it up to date and it is very detailed (anal retentive I guess! LOL). So anyway I asked her a few questions about 'items' on the schedule, to see if she was actually following it. Guess what she isn't! Big surprise! When I mentioned it, she said my schedule doesn't make any sense and I wrote it all wrong anyway. It wasn't in there correctly. Hmm, thinking maybe it's HER problem given that everyone else seems to be able to follow it! Then I corrected her on a few other things, well frig did I ever get blasted for that. SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING, even though she is never around the boys she still knows more than I do about them. Evil and Mean should be her middle names.... either that or it is all me?

7)My mother... remember #4, couldn't come over for 2 hours to help out. Well she had to fill me in on all the stuff she is doing for other people (you know the ones that actually deserve some help, I am just the ungrateful daughter). My poor aunt has to go in for surgery and she needs help. My poor cousin she is having issues with her deadbeat husband... and the list goes on. I actually feel alienated from my entire family because of my mother, and I wonder why I can wait until Christmas.

8)Christmas... well actually my mother at Christmas is making me grumpy. Every time I want to get something for the boys she has already got it and I am to take it back. Or she buys something similar after I told her what I am getting for them. She sucks the joy out of Christmas, We really need to freaking move out of the province. We have 2 choices, either go to the relatives and 'enjoy' dinner or stay home and have them freaking come over. I think we will go to the relatives. We aren't allowed any time with our family. I am not even going to get started on the gift part of Xmas, we will save that for another day

9)I am so freaking depressed right now, I just want to snap out of it. I think I see what the problem is but I haven't a clue what to do about it. In addition I think I have some nasty pg hormones that are making my life even more miserable. I am supposed to enjoy this PG, this is the last time I will ever be PG. I am scared to death that something is going to go wrong. Everything just seems to be too much right now, working, my messy house, my mother, my lack of energy/will to do anything...

10) The freaking weather... -32 celcius with the wind chill yesterday. This morning -29 celcius, and I am afraid to ask what the wind chill is today!

So off of the grumpy topic, I would like to thank all my blog friends, again, for all the wonderful support. This community really makes the hard days easier. Hugs to all.

Quote of the day

Love many things,
for therein lies the true strength,
and whosoever loves much performs much,
and can accomplish much,
and what is done in love is done well.

~ Vincent van Gogh


Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Goodbye little one...

You are still with mom, but you have moved on to a better place. I hope that you are an angel that will watch over your little brother or sister that is still beside you. I miss you already and I didn't even get to know you.

I will never get to hold your hand or see your smile, but I love you just the same. Good bye for now and I hope to meet you some day. Please keep watch over your little twin and keep him or her safe and sound.

Our ultrasound was moved up to today... Baby A is doing very well they tell me but Baby B's heart has stopped. My husband and I are devestated about the baby that will never be.


I am so sorry I forgot to wish my American friends a Happy Thanksgiving. Hope you all enjoy your turkey.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006


I am scared and worried. It looks like Twin B's heart rate is not good, they say the normal range is 90-110 for 6 weeks and B's was only 75. B was measuring the same as A but A's heart rate was 125.

I can't get in to see my O.B. until January, I am freaking. I guess all I can do is wait until my next u/s. I guess I will be phoning my G.P. to see what's next. I hate waiting, I suck at it.

I am afraid of having 2 sets of twins but I can't even begin to imagine losing one. :(

Has anyone heard of good turn outs with such a low heartbeat please let me know.


Still waiting to hear back. My family doc didn't get the u/s results yet. I am hoping she gets them tomorrow. She said the heart rate is low but she isn't commenting until she gets the u/s report. Waiting SUCKS... thank goodness you gals are out there!

Update #2

Heard from my dr. There isn't a lot of hope for Twin B. I am so scared. I go for another u/s on the 24th to find out for sure. If you are the praying sort please say a prayer for my little ones. I can't imagine losing one... I don't know how you girls keep going through the pain of losses. :(

Friday, November 10, 2006

The u/s results are in....

OMG it's twins!

In need of a new vehicle and a house with more bedrooms

That's about it, more later.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Denial and other things...

I guess I am in a bit of denial about this whole PG thing, well at times anyway. I suppose it will feel more real come Friday after I have my u/s.

Work is sucking the life out of me right now, I have deadlines this week but no one is available to answer my questions. My Monday child care provider is out sick and I am not sure if she will be available until spring now. My work from home request is probably going to be declined. The commute to work is taking it's toll. I am having some issues with my siatic (sp?) nerve which makes it very painful to walk some days. I am happy to report that I have enough vacation that starting next week I will only be working 3 days a week until Christmas! So I know I can make it until xmas... I am not sure how I am going to get to June though! :)

My m/s is getting worse... YEY! Yes this is actually a good thing because it makes me think everything is OK. (My husband thinks I am crazy! He's probably right!)

The boys have been incredibly crabby due to a 'crop' of new teeth coming in. Poor little monkeys. I am just not used to crabby so it is always a we bit stressful at the time.

So that's my boring update! Still hanging in there