Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Waiting - impatiently!

Well it is another day and I am still not sleeping so well. Now it's because of all the 'schtuff' going through my rotten head. I wish there was a switch that I could shut my brains OFF at night, I would probably get a lot more sleep that way!

I am starting to get impatient, I just want to get our next FET (frozen embryo transfer - IVF stuff) over with. I want it over with but only if it is successful. I am way more concerned now then I was before we had our twins. I now know it can work and sometimes it doesn't. I also know now truly what I am missing out on. I thought it would be WAY easier after having a successful cycle as I have nothing to loose, I have my boys.. right? WRONG! It should be easier, at least in my mind it should be. If I don't get PG no biggy right? Well I am WAY more freaked out now than before as now I really know what I will be missing out on if the next FET doesn't work. I can't believe how freaked out I am I would have never expected that.

I have been surprised by this whole IVF journey, lots of things that I didn't expect. I did expect to get PG, then I didn't then. I did expect to get PG with my first FET, and I didn't. Then I didn't expect to get PG with my last FET and I DID. Then I expected that my infertility wouldn't matter after I did get PG and it Did. I didn't expect to want to have another child and now more than ever I do want another. I did expect to get more sleep with Twins... and I am not, there is a big shocker!! ha ha! I thought that infertility and IVF would be a thing of the past and it isn't. Wow when you type it out you realize that nothing is what I expected. Hmmm I guess that my thinking that the next FET won't work is a good thing then?

IF sucks doesn't it? But those who have been there really know now don't we.

I guess I am just surprised at how difficult the thoughts of NOT getting PG again would be. I never really understood people who had secondary infertility? Why are they complaining they already have kids... was my thoughts? I guess I was wrong secondary infertility is just as difficult, who would have thought? So now instead of people telling you to relax they tell you well you already have twins what's your problem?

I decided to confide in one friend of mine, I had to tell someone that we were going through IVF again. The only thing she said to me is "Why would you want another one, kids cost money?". I guess I know where her head is (besides up her butt!) . She knows what we went through to get PG I was shocked at what she said. ARG! I need new friends.

Things that bug me today
1) Infertility
2) My lousy useless family
3) annoying friends
4) my fat arce!! ha ha!

"Always do what you are afraid to do."- Ralph Waldo Emerson


At 7:54 p.m., February 21, 2006, Anonymous Lori said...

Interesting point about knowing what you're missing out on if ART doesn't work for a subsequent child. I wouldn't have thought about it that way, but it makes perfect sense.
I'm sorry you're having a downer of a day. I hope the FET cycle gets underway quickly.


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