Sunday, April 30, 2006

Is it Sunday already?

Well I am not sure where this weekend went? It was a busy one! I took everything out of every cupboard in the kitchen and cleaned the cupboards. I couldn't stand it any more it had to be done. A major re-org occurred too. Great I probably won't be able to find anything for the next year! Oh well at least it's clean.

Can you believe it's the end of April already? I would really like to know who keeps stealing the months and where they are putting them? I would like things to slow down just for a little while. (Well maybe after my 2ww is over with! Hmmm, I suppose those 2 weeks will be slow. Be careful what you ask for right.)

Well my hubby and I are going to be celebrating our 12 anniversary this month. HOLLY CRAP 12 years and we are still together and we still actually like each other. I guess I am lucky!

So what is going through my head these days? Well here it is.

Things I have learned from Infertility and IVF
1)Everyone is an expert on getting PG (ya dah like we know what to do)
2)It's not necessarily a good idea to tell some people you are going through IVF (ya the stupid comments can actually get stupider)
3)Patience is required (11 years TTC, now that is some serious patience)
4)I actually do have patience (ya see comment from #3)
5)MS Excel is great for charting all sorts of things including cycles and "getting busy" days (ya I actually have a chart with 5 years of cycles and "busy" days... how pathetic is that)
6)Spouses don't like giving a 'sample' (WTF? Have ya tried a cooter cam buddy?)
7)IVF is exhausting (I think that's the drugs)
8)I thought 11 yrs TTC was difficult, try a round or 2 of IVF (nothing can prepare you for IVF and I mean NOTHING, especially if a BFN is involved)
9)Adoption is an alternative (Especially after talking to wonderful adoptive parents)
10)You don't realize how miserable you were until a successful IVF cycle
11)The holy grail PG is not the wonderful thing you thought it would be (ya here comes another 9 or so months of questions and worries that you didn't realize you would have because you were so consumed with TTC before) Wish I could have enjoyed it more instead of worrying
12)IF is all consuming (working is just a distraction to keep you from going insane)
13)Secondary infertility does suck (didn't realize that when I was just hoping for one for so long)
14)IF people are the best people in the world
15)People say the stupidest things (why can't ya just shut-up? I have learned never to ask anyone if they are having kids or having second kids... cause you just never know)
16)Driving a long way for IVF sucks but it is good for your income tax
17)IVF is very expensive and the gov't doesn't care (sent a letter... don't ask)
18)In a pinch I can give myself a needle (ya that is something I always needed to know how to do!)
19)Cooter cams suck, but at least you don't need a full bladder (is it bad to be on a first name basis with your u/s tech)
20)The internet can be a helpful IF tool!
21)Taking meds on time IS important (nasal spray late = headache... ya that's something I will need to get me through the rest of my life! *insert sarcasm here*)
22)Cell phones with date books rock (how else are you supposed to remember to take all the meds)
23)I am stronger than I think (my really old baggage just doesn't seem to matter anymore... yey I finally dumped some of that sh*t!)
24)I am more superstitions now than before (oh great)
25)I take more control of my medical stuff... I don't just go with the flow anymore
26)A good husband is required (I have the best... well most days)
27)IF is a hard thing to get past n(Great bigger baggage!)
28)I speak-up now if something really bothers me (I pitty the next poor soul who decides to hand out some of the stupid advice that is out there, cause I got an answer for just about all of them... thanks gals! LOL)
29)Pain does get easier as time passes
30)There is life after IVF and IF
31)I am not alone (there is way to many people suffering with IF)
32)My car is too small (just wanted to see if you were still paying attention
33)The things that are hardest to 'get' are worth the most
34)The internet community can be a wonderful source for support. (you gals rock!)
35)IF sucks (nuff said)

FET thoughts
Baseline u/s tomorrow. I should have my dates tomorrow or Tuesday. Lets get this show on the road.

Quote of the day
"One rose says more than the dozen."
- Wendy Craig

(frig that give me the damn dozen! :))

Warning kids discussed
Well the colds are starting to clear up a bit, I am hoping by the end of the week both boys will be better.

Sometimes I just sit and watch in amazement at the things they can do. It is truly amazing to watch how a little one picks up a block and turns it around to look it over. I never realized the coordination required to pick up a cheerio. I never knew just how difficult it is to sit up, much less stand and take a step. The amazement of forming a word. In some ways I am somewhat grateful that we did have a struggle (although a shorter struggle would have been fine too!) to have our tiny ones. I am not sure if I was younger and had not fought so hard to have them that I would have spent so much time being amazed by them. I never knew what I was missing I never knew how wonderful it would be to watch them grow from small helpless beings. I never know how small they could be and how quickly they would grow. I could not imagine life without them

The best to everyone
Good night

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

The tree is gone...

My neighbor's tree is gone. I am so sad, during my months of bedrest during my PG last spring/summer I spent many days gazing out the window looking at this beautiful tree across the alley. It is old and big or shall I say it was old and big, probably the height of a walk up apartment building. It was intertwined with another tree with dark Burgundy leaves, it was so nice to see the green and Burgundy together. I was glad I was home to see the poor old thing go down though at least I could say goodbye to my old friend. Ya I used to watch the resident squirrel jump from the neighbours fence, to the tree, then to the garage. It always used to amaze me how it would jump back from the garage to the tree. Sometimes mother nature does do wonderful things. I think the tree with the burgundy leaves is still there it is much smaller but I am sure it will grown faster now that it has more sun and probably more water too. My poor squirrel still needs a tree to jump from and too!

Well it was a beautiful day to be outside so I opened my window and watched the removal and shredding of my favorite tree. It was amazing though to watch the tree removal company take the tree down. Bit by bit and piece by piece. I enjoyed watching the process I just wish it wasn't 'my' tree! LOL. Some skinny dude (probably a good thing he was skinny) tied himself to the tree and climbed on up, before I realized what was going on so I missed the first part of the climb. I was a little disappointed I missed the first bit but what can I do.

He carefully took the tree down in bits from the top. He would move then re-anchor himself to the tree. I was glad to see that he was using safety equipment as I am afraid of heights and it even bothers me to see others up high. He had some cool tree climbing shoes on too (If I liked to climb trees I think I would have had to get me some!). He could stand on the side of the tree, pick up his chain saw and zippo there goes another branch. I was wondering about the chain saw, it was tied to a long cord which was tied to him... I wondered why him and not the tree? Even if it was off if he fell it would be attached to him and he could fall on it? (So many silly questions!) I am always interested in things I haven't done before so it was pretty cool to watch! I was sad when they took 'my' tree bits and threw them into the dreaded shredder! (Probably not as sad as the tree! LOL!)

It was a beautiful day I am just sad to see a hole where 'my' tree used to be.

FET Thoughts
Got my paperwork for my u/s next Monday and my req for my PG test. Wow it's really happening. Finally the side effects from my estrace have subsided.... for now. I suppose they may come back tomorrow after I increase my dosage again, but hopefully not.

There has been way to many BFN's lately I sure hope things change soon for the gals that are waiting. A little piece of me is always so sad everytime I hear of a failed cycle, I remember how difficult it can be. I wish all those in their waits success, and those with failures, the strength to make it through another day.

By the way is it just me or is this the slowest week ever? Frig it feels like it's never going to end!

Quote of the day
"Out of difficulties grow miracles."
- Jean De La Bruyere

Warning kids discussed
Well I traded my Dr's appt today for my sons since they couldn't get him in. I only needed my paperwork for my u/s and I figured the rest of my 'issues' could wait anyway.

Well my poor babe has an awful wheeze. I don't know how the poor thing is getting any oxygen or sleep for that matter. It is terrible to listen to him. Well they now have him on ventolin and something else to help clear him up (can't remember the name). He was really good for his first dose, I hope it stays that way. (I do think he was a bit annoyed because he thought he was getting a bottle!) Well the dr. said if it gets any worse to take him to the hospital again. I am afraid to sleep, I am so terrified that he may stop breathing. (Well I sure am getting a distraction from the wait for my current FET, not exactly what I was looking for that's for sure!) I do feel slightly better as crazy lady (my mother) says that I did the same thing when I was sick when I was a baby.

I sure hope they both get over their colds very soon... the other fella is still sick too but he isn't wheezing at least.

I was so excited I picked up their 'Easter' pictures today. They look so cute (I know I am the mom so of course they are cute), but the lady told me they were cute too so I must be right! :) Anyway I was so excited, she requested my permission to enter the picture in a photo competition, they could end up as 'poster' babies, that would be sooo cool!

Thats about all I have to say today folks... take care and BFP's to all that want them!!

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

You got me!!!

Ok so I am minding my own business and praying I don't get tagged... guess what I got tagged twice in 2 days!

I would like to thank Sunny Jenny and Lady Bug Ann

Monday, April 24, 2006

So here it is

1. Go write 6 random or weird facts/things/etc. about yourself in my comment box and on your blog, then tag six more people! Do this even if your not tagged, leave at least one interesting fact about yourself.

2. Then leave a comment that says "You are tagged" in their comments telling them to read your blog.

So here are...

Six Interesting Things about Me

1. I have a need for speed, I have a 1989 Mustang Cobra GT that I LOVE to beat the boys of the line with!!! (I am too chicken to race anymore than off the line though! LOL) Of course I drive a stick, no automatics for me
2. I think I have the most embarrassing first day of high school on record. I never got over it (It still bugs me) First class after lunch, first day I had one of those catch you off guard explosive barf's... ALL over my desk. It was mortifying!
3. I was engaged twice (to 2 different guys... yikes makes me shiver!) before marrying my hubby
4. I am a ovarian cancer survivor
5. I am an only child and hate it! (Due to infertility)
6. I cannot stand anyone touching my toes sends me right up the wall!

Ok I am just to freaking lazy ( I was up half of last night at the hospital) to figure out who has and hasn't been tagged (sorry for letting you gals down) so if you haven't been tagged and are reading this, go ahead have some fun and do the 6 things.

FET Thoughts
I think I am having issues with the estrace. I checked out Dr. Google and it sounds like my symptoms can be caused by estrace. I have a terrible pain in my lower back and I am getting like some kind of weird pre-period cramping. I guess I should phone my clinic today and see what they have to say. It feels like I am responding too much.

Update - my clinic returned my call, everything is fine. She said if the back pain gets any worse to call back. Apparently it is all signs that can be related to the estrace... guess the good old Uturus is working OT right now. I feel a little better now

Quote of the Day
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. "
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Warning Kids discussed
Ok so last night wasn't good. Both boys are sick but one was wheezing away. He started screaming at about midnight and wouldn't stop. I ended up taking him to the hospital. Now I am not sure if that was a good thing? They gave him ventalin (sp?). They didn't really answer my questions and the Dr. and nurse told me 2 different things... I am soo confused. I just hope the ventalin is ok for a baby. He seems to be a little better today so I am hoping I did the right thing. I didn't sleep most of the night because I was so worried about him. The Dr. said they would keep him there for a while to make sure he was OK after the ventalin but the nurse just sent us home so I was worried sick.

And I thought being IF would be the most difficult thing in my life! Ya right! :)

Take care

Monday, April 24, 2006

Things that make me so sad...

We heard some sad news this weekend. I was talking to a friend of ours to see how the plans for their daughters wedding this summer was going. I guess things have been postponed for the time being. Then I found out why. Both my husband and I cried we were so sad.

She is in her early 20's and was almost killed in a car accident when she was very young. She had brain damage to the frontal lobe. To meet her you probably wouldn't know, she is a little scatterbrained and sometimes a little hyper (but she is blonde so she always jokes that is why). Well sh*t has hit the fan. They were concered that as she got older that there may be new issues come up. Well they have. It looks like there was also damage to the back of her brain that they were unable to detect. It may be messing with her hormones and sending her into early menopause and she may require a hysto. To top it off she has started to have severe attacks of anxiety that she can feel coming on and can't do anything about. She really wants to have kids one day. I couldn't even imagine having to deal with all of this in my early 20's.

I wish there was something I could do for this poor girl. (My mother was kind enough to point out how "lucky" we are. Who knew that requiring IVF made us lucky?? *insert sarcasm here* )

FET Thoughts
approximately 2 more weeks until transfer... it seems so surreal. It doesn't feel real yet, if it wasn't for the drugs I wouldn't even feel like this is happening. I suppose when the transfer happens it will feel more real... it feels like it has been so long since our fresh cycle.

Quote of the day
"Our will is always for our own good, but we do not always see what that is."
- Jean Jacques Rousseau

Warning Kids discussed
Uuugg we have been "outted". We are members of a twins club and there was an outing this past weekend (our second time out... YEY). Well we were sitting with a couple and she actually asked if we used drugs or ART to have twins. WTF who asks that! Well I am not really into lying so unfortunately I told her the truth. Great now we will be added to the list of, oh she used IVF that's WHY she has twins. What does that make them not real twins? I was just getting more comfortable feeling like a mom of twins instead of an infertile who happened to have two babies at the same time. I don't care if people know that I used IVF that's not really the issue, I just don't want the boys know as the "IVF twins". I guess I can't have one without the other. I just wanted to be like everyone else in that club, just a mom to twins and nothing else... but now I guess I am another one of the moms who has twins only because of IVF. Uggg.

Well the boys are currently sick, I hate to see them suffering through a cold, specially since they haven't learned how to 'blow' their noses yet. I sure hope they get better soon.

Take care everyone and good thoughts to all

Friday, April 21, 2006

What is wrong with that woman???

So dear mother came over today. Greaaaaat! On her way out she noticed a wedding picture of a friends daughter, she is expecting in July. (Ugg) Anyway she wondered how friends daughter was doing with her PG. I told dear mother that I really don't see or hear from her very often.

Friends daughter only called me the first three months they started trying because she wasn't getting PG and she was really really upset.(It took her 4 months, I don't think that quite classifies her as IF but what do I know?) She wanted my advice on what to tell people when they told her to relax. She figured I must have heard that a few times in the 11 or so years we were TTC. (Ya think). I told her to try to ignore them because some people just don't get it. (She should know that one, her mother, my friend, has no filter on her mouth!! LOL). What I really wanted to tell her is to tell them to F-Off (I am soo bad!)

But back to my story (I could never be a writer I get sidetracked way to fast!!) So dear mother wonders why I don't know what's going on with her PG. She was bugging me and bugging me and bugging me and... you get the picture. Finally I was getting ticked off and I said I really can't be around PG people right now as it still bothers me. (This is why dear mother doesn't know about current FET!) Then wait for it... she says to me "What is your problem? Why does that bother you, it shouldn't. You have 2 healthy boys what is your problem?"

Now I typically don't say a lot but I was getting annoyed as she was going on and on and on. So finally I said "Just because I had a successful PG it doesn't mean that I forgot about the 11 years before". It wasn't exactly a fun time for us. Needless to say Dear MOTHER just doesn't get IT. The thing that gets me is that I am an only child (GREAAAAT) due to secondary IF. Endo I believe (different than me I am Unexplained IF'er). I could have just clubbed her, it's a good thing she was heading out the door. She must have lost her blasted mind!

She wonders why I don't tell her anything... duh I dunno!!! IF'ers should be exempt from family crap!! LOL

We won't mention the fact that she is ALWAYS telling everyone that she NEVER thought she would be a Grandma (and yes she emphasizes the NEVER and she makes it sound like it was all my fault)... gawd that drives me nuts, like shut the f up as if I could control when I had children. Stupid stupid woman.

Ok I feel better now!

FET Thoughts
I sure hope this FET works... (I suppose Dear Mommy will be surprised!)

Quote of the day
"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away. "
- Unknown

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Today is another day... and the sun is out!

Well as some of you know I was really enjoying the snow when we finally got some this year. Now it is all gone and the weather is getting nicer and soon the yucky brown of early spring will turn to green and a new season will begin. Hopefully as the flowers bloom many of us who so want to be PG will be starting a new phase in our lives too.

It has been nice to be able to get out for a walk and enjoy a nice warm day. It recharges the spirit to see the sun shining and the birds chirping. If nothing else going through IVF has really taught me to listen and enjoy the good things as they are the things that will help you get through the rough times.

Speaking of IVF and Infertility, wow I am humbled by the kind words of all my 'blog' friends. I thank you for your support and hope that I am able to do the same. This community truly is amazing. You gals are amazing too!!! After so many years of IF and a few years of IVF and some failures I hope that it helps me to say the 'right' things instead of the 'wrong' ones. Sometimes it is so hard to make sure that what you are typing will get across the way you want it to and hope that you aren't saying/typing something incredibly stupid. So if I ever do something stupid please forgive me! :)

I am really quite touched by the support I have received so far. Way back when we were first starting with IVF I just didn't understand how I could ever feel sorry for someone with secondary infertility... They have a kid already what's their problem? How could find a way to feel bad for them when I had been trying for so long and never been PG. (Now I understand secondary infertility, which is good. Now I feel guilt for feeling that way, but I guess after 10 years of IF I needed to work through those feelings too!) What I am trying to say is thanks for stopping by! So many of you are still waiting for #1 and yet you take the time to listen to me ramble on about my problems. I appreciate it and you are better people than I ever was back when...

FET Thoughts
Still plugging away and waiting for my U/S on May 1st. I am anxious, nervous, & excited... but most of you already know what that is about. I wonder every day if it is possible for me to ever be PG again.

Quote of the Day
A little child enters your life and fills a special place in your heart. A place you never even knew was empty! "
- Author: Unknown

(Not hard to tell this Author never went through IF! We all know about 'empty' Mr. or Mrs Unknown... and boy do we know about empty. So why did I post this?? I don't have a freakin clue? I liked the first sentence but the rest sucked!)

Warning Kids discussed
One of the last comments on my blogs was commenting on how I consider myself lucky to have my boys so I figured I would get into that a little more. I could say I am blessed to have my boys but I am no more deserving of this precious gift over anyone else so I figure blessed just isn't the right word. After our failed attempts at IVF and so many years before trying I just figured that lucky about covered. I have never ever had any luck at anything so if ever I needed luck this seems to me a good time to have some! I know I am lucky as there are many just as deserving gals out there who have ended their IVF journeys without success... I was the lucky one.

I am lucky to have gotten PG once after 3 rounds of IVF and hope to do it again (but only one round this time please)
I am extremely lucky to have had 2 healthy boys. I didn't even realize it until lately that I actually achieved one of my dreams (sometimes I am a little slow)
I am lucky to be able to spend each day with my boys
I am lucky to hear them cry as I know that means they need me
I am lucky to change their diapers (even the stinky ones), without diapers there would be no boys
I am lucky to have been able to breast feed them for a while as not everyone can
I am lucky to be able to feed them as for now they actually need me
I am lucky to be able to put them to bed at night even if they protest as it means I get to wake up in the morning to their beautiful little smiles
I am lucky to have them smile at me as they are really my boys
I am lucky the are here after I finally thought we would never have children of our own to love
I am lucky that they are healthy as there are many children out there who are not
I am lucky to have the cutest babies on the block (ok so they are the only ones :))
I am lucky to have two amazing little beings to love as there are so many out there that don't have any amazing little beings to love... yet

When they smile, I melt. When they cry I hope I can sooth them. When they laugh I laugh with them. When they sleep I stare at them in amazement. When they learn something new I cheer for them. When they are frustrated I try to help them a bit... and this is why I want at least one more because they are truly amazing, wonderful and have made me the happiest I have ever been.

Yes I am actually happy and this is a much better way to be going through IVF then before. Yes I am lucky and I hope to be lucky just one more time.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Thoughts all over the place...

Well another long weekend is shot to hell... I can't believe how little I got done, oh well I guess it will always be there tomorrow.

So I have been trying to catch up with some of the blogs I read and I have added a few more. As I read the blogs of the gals trying for their first child I remember how difficult holidays can be and how insensitive some family members can be. It is so true we can't pick our family, I don't know about you but why does it seem we have to put up with their crap? If it was a friend we most certainly would not or they wouldn't be a friend anymore (at least in my world). I am so sick to death of my mother and her, "well it's family". It's like if you are family you can do what ever you want to anyone in the family and it's ok. arrg! Ok so that was a minor sidetrack. What I was actually wanting to say is that once again you guys have reminded my how lucky I am to be working on my second try at IVF. The world is truly a more difficult place before a successful cycle, at least it was for me.

I am generally an emotional person and it really bothers me that there are so many people still out there suffering so greatly. We should not have to go through so much to reach that Holly Grail, a baby (or two). I just hope that everyone who is suffering reaches there goal and doesn't have to go through to much pain to get there.

More and more I begin to realize if this cycle does not work I will be OK, I wasn't so sure about this before. I still pray every night, not that I think God actually controls who gets PG and who doesn't?? Cause if he did would he grant that 'crack' addict with such a precious gift over someone who has been trying for so many years?? But what the heck do I know, it's not that I go to church or really understand all 'that stuff' but I guess some part of me wants to believe that there is something else out there. I have a plan now if I don't get PG so at least if things don't work out with this cycle I know what I am doing next with my (work) life.

Anyway I hope everyone had a tolerable or good Easter.

FET Thoughts
Started onto my estrace today. I guess I have started the next phase. I can't believe that we are getting so close. I am really not patient this time at all I just want to get on with it. I think that I am really starting to get it through my head that it may not work this time, for a while there I figured why shouldn't it? I know I should just be positive about this thing but I find keeping things in focus is really the way I cope. Every night I think maybe it will work, maybe it won't. I guess that's why I am anxious to get on with it so I can just put it behind me no matter what.

Quote of the day
"Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it."
- Goethe

Warning kids discussed
Well we made it through our first Easter. I was so happy to have my boys, they don't really 'get' Easter yet but they will eventually and they are a little to small for chocolate yet. That didn't stop me from Easter baskets though, mom and dad can always eat the Chocolate!

We took the boys out for Breakfast with the rest of the family (Well my aunts family because I am an only child). Then we spent the day at my aunts. The boys were amazing, I was so proud to be their mom. I think we are very lucky as they are usually very well behaved when we go out. (That may change when they get older so I am enjoying it now.) They even napped in a strange house and both in one playpen. They just barely fit both in there so I wasn't sure how that was going to go. All was well until my rotten cousins sent their kid over to get their freakin dog. It is an old grumpy dog so I really wasn't comfortable with the kids around it. I decided to say something, I was nice about it but I said I just wasn't comfortable with the boys on the floor with the angry dog around (and it was crapping on the floor to because it was sick... who brings a sick dog to someone else's house to crap on the floor? I used to like dogs but I am not so sure about some dog people these days). Anyway my mom was mad I said something, tough sh*t! They are my darn kids and it took us 11 years to 'get them' and 3 rounds of IVF so if you don't like it you can stick it in YOUR FREAKIN EAR!

The boys aren't quite as happy the last couple of days as they really like having all the people around, it will take them a few days to get used to hanging out with just boring old mom! LOL!

It is nice to just enjoy them without having to worry about never ever having a child, I sure don't miss those days, but I think it has made me a better parent as I appreciate them so much.

Take care and have a good day

Friday, April 14, 2006


Wishing everyone a good Easter... and for those who need it "a few good eggs"

Take care all

Quote of the day
"Be a good listener. Your ears will never get you in trouble."
- Frank Tyger

Warning Kids Discussed
Our first Easter with a family. I am looking very forward to this. It will be complete with Bunny ears for the boys. I could only get pink ones so I had to dye the pink. I painted them blue with fabric dye. We are doing the big family get together this year for the first time in years. I am looking forward to spending time with my boys. I am so very lucky.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Some days....

So this is the story of my weekend scrapbooking workshop. I hold scrapbooking workshops at my house about once a month and I usually have 2 to 4 people show up. Well my usually gang was there. I have this one friend (I really need to find some new friends) that comes regularly. She doesn't scrapbook all day, it's too much for her hyperactivity (uggg) and she doesn't seem to think it's an issue to disrupt everyone else. Now these are paid workshops $10/person (I don't actually make anything as I have gifts for everyone then a door prize, and everyone gets a prize. So basically I give away 10 or so dollars worth of stuff).

I really get ticket off when she disrupts everyone, just because she is 'done'. Maybe if she sat down for 5 minutes and didn't "flit" around the room all day she wouldn't get tired after 3 hours. Oh ya and she is ALWAYS late too, that drives me crazy. Every time she says "Oh I thought it started at 10am". They ALWAYS start at 9:30am???

Well that wasn't the issue this weekend. My gawd I could have slapped her this past weekend! She invited her daughter over with her 4 month old. Who invites someone over to someone else's house when everyone is scrapbooking? WTF. (Oh yes and she knows we are going through another FET and she invites her ubra-fertile unwed daughter over... great nice reminder)

Well there is a knock at the door so my friend exclaims "My baby is here". I corrected her immediately, that's her grandbaby. So she kept saying it over and over and over again. Well her daughter and the 4month old came in. My husband answered the door and Grandma was there and whipped the kid out of the car seat before the Mother was even in the door. Ok I understand being excited about having your grandkid visit... but ACT your freakin age.

Needless to say in she came to show him off. Then the real fun started. Grandma takes baby, gives baby back, takes baby, puts baby on the floor, picks baby up right away... you get the picture. I thought he was a hot potato not a freaking baby! Then the mother says he doesn't like clothes, he's ok in sleepers though. (He was in a sleeper). Then all of a sudden grandma was stripping the kid down to his diaper, then not five minutes later dressing him up again. Then she started 'flitting' around my house with the kid. She helped herself to ANYTHING she wanted. To top it off I went upstairs to find her in my living room. Our living room has double French doors that were closed (I keep it that way to keep it less dusty since we don't use the room). We have hardwood in their that my husband and I installed (so ya we are a bit anal about it. I keep all my "fragiles" in there and it's OFF limits to any/all kids. So she had taken a bouncy seat and slammed in on the floor in there (of course she only had him in there for 5 minutes) then she took the toy bar off and hucked it on the floor too. WTF... SHOW some damn respect!! I wouldn't do that at someone else's house. I wouldn't care but we don't do that in our living room so what the heck would think that I am ok with some freaking hyper lady throwing shit around in there. If I had of been upstairs I would have told her to stay the hell out of there. If you want piece and quite for the baby maybe you should take him home or go into the spare room maybe? Or here's one for you... ASK where she can go... As you can see I was and am still really ticked off!

(I don't know why I am surprise? Whenever her other daughter, lets call her leach girl, comes over to scrapbook she roots through my kitchen for lunch. Even though all my workshop information says Lunch not included. It also ticks me off that when she has lunch she just takes over in the kitchen, which I always have clean. She makes one heck of a mess and just leaves it. I would NEVER do that at someone else's house... I guess that's the difference between me and her)

Well I have had my rant for the day I can let it go and feel better now! :)

Clinic called, start taking my estrace April 18 and my Baseline U/S is set for May 1st. Est Txfr date May 6th.

FET Thoughts
Well Aunt F is here... yey (It's pretty sad that one is happy about that!!!) I phoned my clinic yesterday so now I am just waiting for my u/s date. Getting closer.

I am really getting nervous I so want this to work but I know it may not. My hopes are so high I am afraid what will happen if it doesn't work. Infertility sucks! But you guys all know that!!!

Quote of the day
"A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your successes."
- Doug Larson

I figured that this one was appropriate given my post today!

Warning kids discussed
I still can't believe how fast the boys are growing. They are almost 9 months now. We are still trying to decide what to do about work. If I get PG I am crazy not going back to work for that 1 year mat leave. I don't like the thought of leaving my boys in the care of someone else. We worked so hard to get them and I love every single moment I spend with them. So on that front I am now covered for 2 days a week for child care (my husband was just approved to work a 4 day week until next june). I have decided that if I can't get PG again I am only working until next June, then I am going to try to get a job teaching night classes. That way I can stay connected to my field and still bring in a bit of money and best of all stay home with my boys.

I am getting ready for Easter, I never thought I would ever have children to celebrate with. I am not spoiling the boys as they are way to young but I am getting them something little and I bought the each an Easter basket. That was just so fun. I also got them a set of bunny ears each. I couldn't find any blue ones so I got some fabric paint and I am painting the inside of the ears blue! Can't have the boys in pink now can I? :)

The fellas are now sitting up on their own and doing a pretty good job. Now we just have to work on eating stuff. All my friends much younger kids are eating cherios already and my guys just choke on them (I know I shouldn't compare). I feel like a really bad mom when it comes to eating I just have no idea what I am doing and what I should be working on. I suppose it will all come eventually. I think sometimes it is harder for those of us who have suffered from IF and totally cut the fertile/baby world out of our lives. Our friends are older and won't be having kids anytime soon. I have done some reading but I am so afraid they are going to choke on something I am terrified to feed them anything but the strained baby food. Then there is napping, I have them sleeping in the bags at night but they are growing so fast that they are going to be out of the soon. I have been trying to get them to nap with a blanket but I am terrified that they are going to roll over and choke themselves. I am always checking on them, and sometimes I am scared to check on them in case something is wrong. I suppose I will always worry.

Well it's time I go nap time is over. Take care

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Ok so I decided to do the 100 things...

So here is my 100 things...

100. I am Canadian
99. I am infertile (and no relaxing doesn't help)
98. My infertility is unexplained
97. I am 5' 9" tall
96. I watch way to much television
95. and yes I watch reality TV (please don't hold that against me)
94. I am a professional
93. I work in technology
93. I used to be very quiet and introverted (that must be why I am in technology)
92. I am a cancer survivor (ovarian)
91. I love 80's music
90. I am a very picky eater and I use ... too much
89. I love to do crafts (knit, crochet, scrapbook, stained glass, paint, needle point and I have tried almost everything else)
88. I have low self esteem (probably due to my interesting relationship with my mother)
87. I used to be skinny
86. I wish I was still skinny
85. I have the greatest husband EVER (sorry gals but I do!! He cooks, cleans and washes the car, and about 100 other things)
84. We met at a car wash
83. We collect automobiles and we currently have 8 at the moment (only a couple of nice ones though)
82. My daily driver in the summer is an 89 Mustang Cobra GT, 5-speed of course (in need of new paint and interior parts)
81. One of my goals in life is to beat my hubby off of the line
80. Yes I like to race off the line and love to beat the boys! (but only off the line I am too chicken to go to fast)
79. I had driving fast around corners
78. I can't park worth a hoot and I can't backup very well
77. My first and second vehicles were mopeds (ok no laughing allowed)
76. I used to be the president of the local car club (to much testosterone for me so I quit)
75. I know more about cars than my guy friends at work (and I don't know that much trust me)
74. I have been around the track at Daytona (Richard Petty Driving experience) in a race car (I was a passenger - bummer)
73. I am a Nascar fan
72. I love Canadian Football
71. Not to big of fan of Hockey though (long story)
70. I am a bit of a procrastinator, not quiet full fledged but getting there
69. I am a clean freak (The base boards and door frames get cleaned whenever I vacuum. And the entire toilet is washed all the time (not just the top part))
68. Yes I am somewhat anal (goes with being in the computing industry
67. I believe that there is an explanation for everything
66. My husband hates explaining stuff to me
65. I ask way to many questions
64. I live in the town that I grew up in and swore I would never stay in
63. High school SUCKED (I wonder if that had anything to do with puking on my desk the first day of grade 10, I could have died right there. My mother didn't belive me that I was sick that day. It was one of those explosive catch you off gaurd ones. I am still mortifed to this day)
62. I ditched my friends in High School when they started getting into all sorts of bad stuff
61. Figured no friends was better than ending up in trouble with the police or in jail
60. Small town clicks meant it was impossible to 'join' a new group. Did I mention I hated where I live!!
59. I have no siblings
58. I wish I did
57. I have parents
56. I am hoping to find adoption papers when they croak. (highly unlikely since I look like them... yuck at least I could have had good genes!)
55. I took a 2 year college program so I could make money faster instead of going to University
54. Make good money but I am still kicking myself
53. I want a new career
52. I like snow
51. I love to ski
50. but I haven't done it in a very long time :(
49. I suffer from anxiety attacks
48. When we are done with our infertility treatments I plan on doing something about it
47. I love to camp
46. but only with our trailer, must have my own bathroom (related to #69 - the clean freak thing)
45. I hate it when my feet get dirty so I wear socks in my sandals (I know very uncool)
44. I have bad feet and have to wear orthotics (too many years of wearing high heals I guess)
43. I hate ignorant drivers
42. I have some very weird and/or disfunctional friends
41. I scrapbook a lot
40. so much that I sell the crap
39. I want to win the lottery so that I don't have to work (ya I know doesn't everyone)
38. I worry what other people think. I wish I didn't it drives me crazy that I care what someone else thinks
37. If I could change one thing about my appearance it would be my weight
36. I have sarcastic tendencies and some of my friends just don't get it
35. I hate it when you call someone and the line is busy
34. I hate flying because it hurts my ears and sucks the life out of me
33. I hate time change, it screws up my system for months (yes months, it totally sucks)
32. I am not a morning person
31. I have never tried recreational drugs of any kind
30. I was prescribed an overdose once and had to go to the hospital in an ambulance
29. My friends think I am funny
28. I have way to many dust collectors in my house
27. I am most comfortable in jeans.
26. I would like to do something useful to help others after what I have gone through with my infertility
25. My singing is so bad that I can't stand it. I will only sing if there is a radio loud enough that I can't hear myself
24. I suffer from insomnia in the spring
23. I don't have any pets and really don't want any (back to #69 the clean freak thing)
22. I have become cheap in my old age, I won't buy clothes unless they are on sale
21. I wish I could sleep like I did when I was a teenager
20. I don't belive that life is fair
19. and no bad people do not always get what they deserve
18. I am VERY opinionated
17. too much for my own good
16. Someday I hope to travel to Ireland
15. and take the Panama Canal cruise
14. We have done everything on our own, we have never got any financial support from our families for anything
13. I helped my husband put a roof on our garage and side it
12. I know how to use a circular saw (but I am not so great a measuring)
11. I am not a tom boy or a really girly girl.. leaning more to the girly side though
10. I love my husband
9. I am currently going through my 4th round of IVF
8. I never thought I would ever get pregnant but
7. I was blessed with twins after 2 failed cycles of IVF

warning talking about my kids here, you may want to skip it

6. I never knew I could love them as much as I do, they are my world
5. I want to be a SAHM but can't afford it just yet :(
4. I have never been as happy in my life as I am right now. I finally have the clarity I needed to move forward
3. I pray that my next round of IVF works and our family is expanded
2. I enjoy every precious moment with my babies and am amazed by everything they do.
1. I ache to know that there are couples out there that may never feel the joy of pregnancy.

FET Thoughts
Almost through my first bottle of sniffy stuff... about 4 weeks until txfr! Time is going by fast.

Quote of the day
"Everybody needs memories."
- Saul Bellow

Ok so I think I am done for now... making changes to my blog

Well here it is. What to you think?

Friday, April 07, 2006

Things are going to be changing around here... stay tuned

Yes things are going to be changing on this blog. Since I can't sleep at night most of the time I decided that I was going to start working on a change to my template. Hopefully in the next week or so my efforts will be ready to show off to the blog world.

Oh and I got a letter from work today... apparently they decided to give me a raise! Not bad since I have been off on sick/mat leave since April 05. (Yes to all my American friends Canada does have one thing good that you guys don't have, year long mat leave. Here I thought I was never going to get to use it, thank God for modern science!) WTF? I wasn't even there for the review period. Oh well it's more money if/when I go back to work. (That is a topic for another day)

Techie Stuff
Well I am quite pleased with myself I figured out the div statement and even some CSS style stuff. I was quite excited to add a third column without using stinking tables, I hate html tables! Now if only I could find out a good way to create the round corners like on my current blog. I don't think I have any graphic software that can create the nice corners like I have on the current blog. That has got to be the most annoying thing EVER! Why can't they just add a round tag or something? The changes are coming along nicely, now if I wasn't so damn picky I could probably install my new template today!! Got to test it, fix it and test it again and fix it again... you get the picture

FET Thoughts
Still sniffing. Missed one the other day, shit! I remember from last cycle that one miss is OK but that's it. The power went out this morning so I almost missed the 6am today. Sheesh!

Quote of the day
It was either this...
"Kind words don't cost much, yet they accomplish much."
- Blaise Pascal

or this...
"Success is a journey not a destination."
- Ben Sweetland
but anyone who has been through IVF knows that success IS the destination so I think Ben must be a fertile one! LOL!

Well I am happy now, the headaches have started. (I didn't have any headaches for my first two cycles (BFN's) and I had headaches for my BFP.) So yes I am glad to have some headaches.

Warning Kids Discussed
Ok so my friends and family can shut up now, yesterday my oldest popped a tooth! Yes HE IS teething so don't bug me anymore. :)

I was out with dear mother today, I was going to look for Easter baskets for my tiny ones but forgot, oops. So when I got home and mentioned it to my mother she said "Oh I have a bunch of them at home". Then it was the "Oh wait, I think I got rid of them, I was saving them for your kids but I finally gave up and got rid of them". WTF as if I had control of when we had our boys? I mentioned that to her in a not so nice voice. Ya like it's my fault after 10 years of trying I wasn't PG!!! Gee and I wonder why I haven't told her we are going through another FET.

Must go to bed very tired....

Take care everyone

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Thanks for the clarity...

I sit here preparing for my next round of IVF and finally realize that things have changed. I thank my blogging friends for helping me see that my life IS different now. I didn't really understand how things had changed or where it was that I fit into the whole infertile world. Yes I am infertile, 11 or so years have proved that, and yes I will always be infertile and yes PG women will probably always bother me. Now that I have accepted and understand that it will be easier to move forward. I pray that we will be successful in our next cycle and it will be much easier to move forward, but for the first time in my life, I now know that I will be OK even if we aren't successful. Things HAVE changed in my life and it IS different than before.

I have been blessed I have had one successful cycle and the pain that I felt of never having a family is behind me. Wow it is actually behind me, this is something I hadn't accepted yet as it was like the pain had a grip on me and I just couldn't let it go. No I am not done yet but the worst hell is actually behind me.

So why now, what has made me change where I am standing now? Well it's from reading some wonderful blogs. I have been reading their words and feeling such pain that they are suffering through the pain of infertility. It has made me understand that things have changed because I have lived through their daily horrors, their wishing for just one thing, a successful pregnancy. The unexplainable pain of infertility which you can only truly understand if you have been there, then throw in the 'hope' of IVF. After years of suffering finally thinking that IVF will work, it has to right? It's the last stop in the insanity of infertility. Well I now know that I am not in the same place as these gals, it's just not the same the second time around. The thought of never having any children ever is so much more difficult than the place I am in now. Not to lessen the pain of secondary infertility, it is very difficult as well. Unless you have experienced infertility from the beginning I don't think you can understand just how much more difficult that is.

Wanting a child is wanting a child no matter what, but from my perspective the 'second go round' is much easier… now that I have had my 'light bulb' moment. *disclaimer* This is only my thought and healing process. I am not trying to lessen the impact of secondary infertility for those who are suffering though it.

I feel thankful now that I will never be in 'that place' again; you know the one where the world feels like it is coming down around you and that your wishes and dreams will never come true. I am so sorry that many of you are still in 'that awful place' and hope that you are all in my shoes very soon.

For some reason I feel so much more peace now that I have put some of the pieces of my infertility into the great big puzzle that I don't have the picture for. It is a wonderful thing to be able to do, it's like I have finally picked up the weight of the world and moved it off of my shoulders. I am not sure that this realization would have hit me so quickly or at all if I had not joined in with the IF blogger ladies. I thank you and wish you every joy that being a parent brings no matter how that may come to you. I also hope that I am able to provide some support during your journeys as I have been in your shoes to some extent. Yes everyone has a different journey but from being around the IF world for so long it is truly amazing that we go through a lot of the same emotional issues. I just pray that my experience can give someone a little bit of peace, after everything I have been through I just hope it can do someone else some good.

So what now? Now I can concentrate on continuing to move forward and hopefully a successful Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). I am going to 'trust the journey' and 'wish' for success! (Jenny thanks for making me understand why it was that I have always had issues with Hope)

Take care everyone and thank you. Everyone in my blog list has helped me in ways I can never thank you for just by sharing your journey.

FET Thoughts
Yes, I am still sick and worried that this will affect the outcome of my cycle. I was happy to talk to my clinic the other day and find out it was ok to take some cough medicine. Finally, last night I got a little sleep.

Quote of the day
"In spite of is good."
- H.W. Vanloon

Warning Kids Discussed
Finally I have accepted that I am infertile and I am, yes I can say it now, a parent. I have always wanted twins and guess what I am one of the lucky ones who has two healthy babies. They are mine and they did come from me and no one is going to knock at my door and take them away. No I am not having a wonderful dream, I am actually a parent. I don't have to hold my breath anymore, I am lucky to be a mother. Yes I have unexplained infertility but I was lucky enough that 3 rounds of IVF managed to overcome whatever issue that kept me from being PG for so many years. It will always bother me, the big WHY? I am the kind of person who needs explanations, I work with computers for a living and everything can bwhittleded down to a one or zero (on or off... yes or no). I am finally coming to terms with the fact that there is no easy answer and it doesn't matter anymore, I don't need to dwell, I have my dear boys.

It is a good day, I wish you the same

Monday, April 03, 2006

Let the fun begin....

Sniffing started - check!
Up all night sick - check! (great time to get a cold!)
Feeling like crap - check!

Cycle started - Check!

By the way I have decided that complaining on this blog is a good thing. I complained about my siatic nerve on Friday and by Saturday it had totally stopped bothering me? So hopefully if I complain about the nasty coughing that kept me up all night it will make it go away! :)

Not much new to report, started my sniffing on Sunday morning. Hoping that very soon I will be PG!

I have to call my clinic today to see if it is OK to take cough medicine, I need some sleep.

I don't have anything much interesting to say today, must be the lack of sleep and the cold! Well that's my excuse anyway!

FET Thoughts
I hope it works, I hope it works, I hope it works.

Quote of the Day
"Everything that is done in the world is done with hope."
- Martin Luther

Warning Kids discussed
Ok so I am not the only one who is sick. I also have two sick babies. I hate that they are sick but I am soo happy that they are sleeping through the night even with their stuffy noses. They aren't themselves but they have been amazingly good! Then you throw a time change at the poor little fellas.

Ok so I thought time change was bad before babies. (I have never been one who could handle the hour switch to begin with. People think I am crazy it's only an hour right... well if the time change doesn't bother you I wish I was you cause it really takes it's toll on me.) Well time change post babies is horrible! The little fellas are such routine oriented it really messes them up, I hope it doesn't take too long for them to adjust! Curses to the idiot who thought changing our time twice a year was a good idea.

Take care and may all your dreams come true.