Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Thanks for the clarity...

I sit here preparing for my next round of IVF and finally realize that things have changed. I thank my blogging friends for helping me see that my life IS different now. I didn't really understand how things had changed or where it was that I fit into the whole infertile world. Yes I am infertile, 11 or so years have proved that, and yes I will always be infertile and yes PG women will probably always bother me. Now that I have accepted and understand that it will be easier to move forward. I pray that we will be successful in our next cycle and it will be much easier to move forward, but for the first time in my life, I now know that I will be OK even if we aren't successful. Things HAVE changed in my life and it IS different than before.

I have been blessed I have had one successful cycle and the pain that I felt of never having a family is behind me. Wow it is actually behind me, this is something I hadn't accepted yet as it was like the pain had a grip on me and I just couldn't let it go. No I am not done yet but the worst hell is actually behind me.

So why now, what has made me change where I am standing now? Well it's from reading some wonderful blogs. I have been reading their words and feeling such pain that they are suffering through the pain of infertility. It has made me understand that things have changed because I have lived through their daily horrors, their wishing for just one thing, a successful pregnancy. The unexplainable pain of infertility which you can only truly understand if you have been there, then throw in the 'hope' of IVF. After years of suffering finally thinking that IVF will work, it has to right? It's the last stop in the insanity of infertility. Well I now know that I am not in the same place as these gals, it's just not the same the second time around. The thought of never having any children ever is so much more difficult than the place I am in now. Not to lessen the pain of secondary infertility, it is very difficult as well. Unless you have experienced infertility from the beginning I don't think you can understand just how much more difficult that is.

Wanting a child is wanting a child no matter what, but from my perspective the 'second go round' is much easier… now that I have had my 'light bulb' moment. *disclaimer* This is only my thought and healing process. I am not trying to lessen the impact of secondary infertility for those who are suffering though it.

I feel thankful now that I will never be in 'that place' again; you know the one where the world feels like it is coming down around you and that your wishes and dreams will never come true. I am so sorry that many of you are still in 'that awful place' and hope that you are all in my shoes very soon.

For some reason I feel so much more peace now that I have put some of the pieces of my infertility into the great big puzzle that I don't have the picture for. It is a wonderful thing to be able to do, it's like I have finally picked up the weight of the world and moved it off of my shoulders. I am not sure that this realization would have hit me so quickly or at all if I had not joined in with the IF blogger ladies. I thank you and wish you every joy that being a parent brings no matter how that may come to you. I also hope that I am able to provide some support during your journeys as I have been in your shoes to some extent. Yes everyone has a different journey but from being around the IF world for so long it is truly amazing that we go through a lot of the same emotional issues. I just pray that my experience can give someone a little bit of peace, after everything I have been through I just hope it can do someone else some good.

So what now? Now I can concentrate on continuing to move forward and hopefully a successful Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). I am going to 'trust the journey' and 'wish' for success! (Jenny thanks for making me understand why it was that I have always had issues with Hope)

Take care everyone and thank you. Everyone in my blog list has helped me in ways I can never thank you for just by sharing your journey.

FET Thoughts
Yes, I am still sick and worried that this will affect the outcome of my cycle. I was happy to talk to my clinic the other day and find out it was ok to take some cough medicine. Finally, last night I got a little sleep.

Quote of the day
"In spite of is good."
- H.W. Vanloon

Warning Kids Discussed
Finally I have accepted that I am infertile and I am, yes I can say it now, a parent. I have always wanted twins and guess what I am one of the lucky ones who has two healthy babies. They are mine and they did come from me and no one is going to knock at my door and take them away. No I am not having a wonderful dream, I am actually a parent. I don't have to hold my breath anymore, I am lucky to be a mother. Yes I have unexplained infertility but I was lucky enough that 3 rounds of IVF managed to overcome whatever issue that kept me from being PG for so many years. It will always bother me, the big WHY? I am the kind of person who needs explanations, I work with computers for a living and everything can bwhittleded down to a one or zero (on or off... yes or no). I am finally coming to terms with the fact that there is no easy answer and it doesn't matter anymore, I don't need to dwell, I have my dear boys.

It is a good day, I wish you the same


At 10:36 a.m., April 05, 2006, Blogger Rocky D said...

A baby awaits those who persevere! Never give up on your journey to becoming mother and father.

At 3:40 p.m., April 05, 2006, Blogger Flygirl said...

What a wonderful and touching post. Thanks for that.

hugs to you

At 7:21 p.m., April 05, 2006, Anonymous Lori said...

I'm so glad you have found a bit of clarity as you start your FET cycle. I hope it stays with you throughout the cycle.

At 8:08 p.m., April 05, 2006, Blogger Just another Jenny said...

I'm having a pretty bad day but your post cheered me up. If connecting with some "new" IVF patients has helped you, I am glad to be part of that group. It sounds like you have a great mind set going into this cycle. I'm hankering for ya - lol!

At 12:10 p.m., April 07, 2006, Blogger UtRus said...

ahhhh that clarity - isn't it wonderful? i love reading your perspective. since you've already got the twins... but it's still a struggle with "what if" and "hope/wish"... you've been through so much. I'm not making much sense here.... :) hugs!


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