What if...

What if the world was flat? (do you think we would fall of the edge?)
What if the sky was green and the grass was blue? (would we know any better?)
What if all children were wanted and loved? (it makes me sad to know this isn't true)
What if we all respected each others differences? (would that mean an end to war?)
What if there was no such thing as money? (would we all be equal?)
What if there was no pain an suffering? (would humans be as resilient as we are now?)
What if I was never here? (would anyone know or would I be a part of someone else?)
What if we were all the same? (would our world be boring?)
What if there was no such thing as pollution? (would we never be sick?)
What if we lived forever? (would there be too many people for the world? I think so?)
What if when it's over it's over? (there has to be another place... right?)
What if cars ran on air? (would we save more money or would they charge for that too?)
What if there was no such thing as infertility? (would I love my children as much? would I have met such wonderful people along the journey?)
What if I didn't have the blog world? (I wouldn't feel like I have such warm caring people around me who help me stay focused and help me stay hopeful. You guys are great!)
What if?????

So I haven't been sleeping much lately, I have a nasty issue with my siatic (sp?) nerve. Right now it has been driving me crazy on my right side (it sometimes goes back and forth). I am soo tired from lack of sleep and now I seem to be on my way to a full fledged cold, great!

FET Thoughts
2 more sleeps until the sniffin begins. I can't believe I am almost there. I am feeling so crappy right now that my hope factor is down in the dumps, but I am sure that will change if I can get rid of this darn cold! Need sleep to get rid of the darn thing too bad my body isn't doing what it is supposed to at night. I guess it's time to go back to the dr as the pain is getting agonizing.

Quote of the day
No one needs a smile as much as the person who fails to give one."
- Unknown

Warning Kids discussed
Ok so now I am sick and I have 2 sick kids. They have these tiny little coughs, it breaks my heart. My husband feels bad as he was the one who was sick first so he figures it is his fault, poor guy. They were both up last night coughing and a little crying too. I really can't believe how good they have been all things considered. I sure hope they feel better soon. They are such good babies I am so lucky.

Take care and may all your dreams come true.

Waiting... not so patiently

Still have to pick up the drugs, maybe tomorrow, but I better do it soon. Sunday will be here before I know it. I feel like I am coming down with something, I have a terrible sore throat today. I sure hope it clears up quickly. (Darn husband brought home the cold from work, next time he sleeps in the garage! lol)

It is a beautiful day here today, the snow is melting so quickly it's hard to believe it will all be gone soon. It does make it much easier to get out when it is nicer out.

FET Thoughts
I am hopeful today. I pray every night that there is at least one sticky embie left. I also pray that all my friends out in blog land get to enjoy those Pregnancies they so deserve! I hate that so many people are out there suffering. I am very glad that we have this blogger community though as I am pretty tight lipped about my upcoming cycle. I don't need the comments or the hassle, the only people who truly understand are those who have been there. You would think my mother would understand being that I am an only child due to fertility issues??? Sometimes it makes me wonder if they were all that upset that they couldn't have more but I just don't go there with her. (Besides it would just turn into a competition on who it was harder on!)

Quote of the day... ok so I liked 2 today!
"A great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do."
- Walter Gagehot

"Happiness comes of the capacity to feel deeply, to enjoy simple, to think freely, to risk life, to be needed. "
- Storm Jameson

Warning Kids discussed
Ok so the fun has begun, my mother is trying to sell stuff the boys aren't even done with. What the heck am I going to do? I don't want her to know that we are trying for more, and if we get PG she is going to be the last to know so she doesn't tell everyone in listening distance! Why the heck does she care so much about selling our stuff? Give it a rest I say. Usually I just get snippy and say that the boys aren't even done with that stuff yet, she just won't leave it alone. We really need to move clear across the country so she doesn't know what we have or have to sell!

Everyday I look in amazement at my boys and wonder how they could have possibly come from me? I have lost a year somewhere and my PG happened to be in that year. It's all so surreal now, like it didn't even exist. I am glad I took some pictures or I may not have believed that it did happen. It is so amazing to look at them and have them smile when you enter the room, it strengths my desire to add to our family with each tiny smile. I hate the thought of going back to work and leaving them in the care of some stranger... I am hoping that I can get PG and enjoy another year of Mat leave before I finally quit my job. But the best laid plans.... I hate to plan for another year of Mat leave cause I just don't know if it will actually happen.

I did it!! I finally went grocery shopping with the boys. With two baby seats it doesn't take much to fill up the cart. Of course when I entered the store some gal working there decided to comment that I didn't have much room for groceries. No kidding, I hadn't noticed. It was so empowering to actually go somewhere and get something done by myself with two babies in tow! I am woman hear me roar! lol! Watch out grocery shopping here we come. It was great to get out and it was such a sunny warm day.

Take care and may all your dreams come true.

I'll take another round please...

I can't believe we are starting another round of IVF, well actually FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer). I actually feel like I have lost a year somewhere, it's very strange. My brain is really all over the place I go from being giddy excited thinking maybe it will just work, to trying to calm down as I will only be so very disappointed if it doesn't work.

It is a beautiful and sunny day here today. The snow is melting so fast, pretty soon we will be back to the brown gucky mess of spring. It already is starting to smell from the spring thaw.

FET Thoughts
Start sniffing April 2nd. Hoping that there are no issues with getting my prescriptions this week. (Our mail delivery really sucks here for some reason?) I have started dreaming of how wonderful it would be to be PG again. I am so confused this time, now that I have had 2 failures and 1 success I seem to have way more hope. I am trying to keep it in check since I have had 2 failures before. We have 4 embies and 1 blast left I am just hoping that at least one of them will come home with us one day. (Or maybe two... my husband thinks I have lost my mind wanting twins, but for some reason I am really hoping for twins again. Although all I want is a healthy baby when it comes right down to it)


Quote of the day
"Listening, not imitation, may be the sincerest form of flattery."
- Dr. Joyce Brothers

Warning Kids discussed
I am really hoping that one day I can turn this into a kids after IF blog instead of an IF and kids blog! But aren't we all?

Well I must tell you Today's Parent Magazine has the cure to infertility. (A friend of mine gave me a subscription after I had the boys) I have decided that I am not going to renew my subscription after a little bit they had in their latest magazine. It is no freaking wonder that non-if'ers say the things they do when you see this crap in a magazine.
Adoption an infertility cure? No one knows why, but many families spontaneously conceive soon after they adopt.
Ya I am quite freaking sure that this happens to MANY families. If it did I am sure we would ALL adopt first, then we wouldn't need IVF!

Things that make you feel so lucky...

Well we took the boys out on Sunday, ended up going for brunch (good thing I remembered the diaper bag and some food!). The boys were awesome, I was so proud. I felt like the luckiest mom in the world to have them both so good for so long. It was even at their crabby time. I had so much fun with them and it was great to show them off to the world. It was a cool restaurant too, an old rail car that had been converted. We met up with an old friend we haven't seen in a while and we had a great visit too. It was just a great day. I couldn't help but look at my sweet boys and just know how very lucky I am. They love to be out and about!

Yesterday's crisis averted! Yey!

Man I am glad that is over with. Phone tag was getting me no where! When I called my GYN's office this morning I found out my Dr. isn't in today. GREAT! I got the same lady on the phone from yesterday (the hag), apparently she is done PMSing today and was very nice! (Ok so now I feel crappy that I called her names behind her back.)

She called me a little later this morning to let me know that my paper work had arrived and it had been sent to my fertility clinic (she was worried that I may be stressed... you think?). It sounds like they ended up calling the hospital to put a rush on my HSG results. (It would have been nice if they had of told me that Yesterday!). Oh well it's all done and I am on my way to another FET, est Txfr date May 6 to 9th!

Goodness, IF can drive you to become a raving lunatic.

So what else is new... fertile cousin (hubbies cousin) sent me the same stinking photos that Jenny from the Block got. Like we freaking need to see this crap!

FET Thoughts
We are on our way now! Estimated transfer date May 6th to 9th, hope to be PG by our anniversary! Start sniffing Suprefact April 2nd. Praying for one but two would be nice!!! Boy or Girl it doesn't matter I just want a healthy baby!

Quote of the Day
"Life is short, and it's up to you to make it sweet."
- Sadie Delany

Ok so this is my 2nd post today... I am just so annoyed I had to vent!

So I am sitting here doing some stuff and the phone rings... it's my clinic. Hmm I wonder what they want? Well they phoned to offer me a cycle! The dates were great, just what I had been hoping for. So all I have to do is phone my hubby and see if he is ok with the dates right? I wish it was that simple.

The nurse from my clinic wanted said oh before I offer you this cycle officially, have you had your HSG done. Gleefully (ok maybe not) I say Yes, on Monday. She said that she would need the results by Friday to officially offer me the cycle. So on the phone to my Ob's office.

Lucky me some Hag answers the phone, lets call her boo hag for now (probably a fertile hag with 10 kids at home too!). So I explain my situation and ask if I can speak to a nurse. Well snotty boo hag says well they are busy with patients. That's fine can someone call me back when they have a moment then? (I guess I do not rate as a patient!). Well she decides to go talk to a nurse herself (probably didn't even talk to anyone, just put me on hold to Piss me off for a while!). I was hoping if I could explain my situation, needing the paperwork by Friday to someone who actually gives a sh*t it may help with the situation. Guess not boo hag wouldn't let me passed her nasty phone answering desk! Then she said that they never get HSG info that quickly so I shouldn't expect it by Friday. Well Frig me... I have seen the HSG paper work before, nice letter head with a few lines of words. That takes a freaking week? Good thing it's not something really important!!!

So if it isn't here by Friday I have to wait another freakin month due to flipping paperwork. Isn't that just MARVELOUS! Makes me want to kick the boo hag. (I know it's not her fault about the paper work but don't be such a hag about it!) Normally I wouldn't bother about paper work but I do at least have a good freaking reason!

The thing that I don't get is the procedure was on Monday... do they wait all week to write it down? Their freakin memories must be a heck of a lot better than mine!

Ok now I will go pout somewhere else... but thanks for listening!

I will keep yas posted. I may just have to call and ask for my dr. tomorrow. (She doesn't take crap from anyone so maybe she could push the paper work thing along for me)

I suppose I need some more stress in my life, since IF/IVF doesn't provide enough!! lol!

Could this be a sign?

I guess I am superstitious or something? I wish I wasn't but I guess I am. I have this plant that bloomed on the day of my HSG. Only one bloom but a bloom it is. So could this mean we may have a successful FET with one baby? Hmm I wonder? So where does this weirdness come from you ask. Well it's a bit of a long story so here goes. (Good thing you can't see the dust on my poor plant)

When we started out first IVF cycle way back we went to an info session in November and we were going to sign up for our first cycle in December. Well it ended up that my Grandmother had a fall and was put in the hospital for rehab, which ended up leading to an even worse fall (Broken arm and the staff ignored it... but I won't go there). Anyway it eventually lead to her death. It was very sad and she was about the only one in my family that I was close to. Needless to say it meant that we decided to wait to sign up for an IVF cycle. We went through our first cycle the following June, as you know if you read the rest of my blog it failed. So back to the plant thing.

My grandmother had a plant holder on her kitchen table for as long as I remember. It always had beautiful African Violets in it in her younger years. My mom gave me the planter and I planted a Christmas Cactus that I had for years in it. The plant had NEVER bloomed in all the years I had it. I moved the plant into it's new container after our second failed transfer in September. We went for our third transfer in December, we had our PG test 2 days after the year anniversary of my grandmothers death. The day of her anniversary there was three blooms ready to come out and the day of my PG test there was 2 blooms (the third one never came out). (I had 3 embies transferred). I had a positive PG test only to find out in Jan that there was twins on board. Every time I got really worried during my PG the plant would bloom again... 2 blooms.

And on the day of my HSG when I am already starting to freak out that my next FET won't work and there it was one bloom on the plant. I am hoping that my grandmother is trying to send me a message? But I am not sure if I believe in those things or is it just some weird coincidence? Maybe all of a sudden I have a green thumb, who knows! I guess all I can do is hold on to the hope that there is another baby in our future.

So that's just my weirdness for the day.

FET Thoughts
As much as I want to be positive I am so terrified that the next FET will not work. I don't know how I will ever be able to look at another PG women if we do not have success. I am just glad now that the HSG is over with. It was yet another nasty one with lots of spotting after (which I have never had before). I also didn't have pain after with my previous two but after this one I haven't been feeling to well. At least the cramping has finally stopped. It is weird that the first two were exactly the same and this one was different. Oh well at least everything looked great.

I have decided that I have an explanation for my IF since the dr.'s can't seem to find it. They had to 'dilate' my cervix during my HSG. I am sure now that I can't get PG as my cervix is tighter than .... well you fill it in. I have decided that this is my problem and I am going to stick with that for now!! lol. Nothing like self diagnosis!

Quote of the day
"Anything can happen to me tomorrow, but at least nothing more can happen to me yesterday."
- Unknown

Warning Kids discussed
Well I found out why deep snow sucks yesterday! I took my boys to be weighed (they were 8 months old yesterday). I loaded them up in their car seats then clipped them into the stroller and off I went. I decided to walk over most of the walks were clear so it wasn't too bad. Then I hit the snowy parking lot which has not been cleared. Boy did I get a work out. I wasn't sure how or if I was going to make it through, it was a major push, but I made it. Now I am hoping all the snow melts soon so I can get out for more walks. I really want to try to loose a little weight before my next FET and I don't really want to diet right now.

Every day I look at my boys and realize just how lucky I am. They are more fun every day, the more interactive they get the more amazing they are. I didn't think that they could get any more amazing but they do. I love them dearly and when I look at them it makes me want to have another one or in a perfect world I would love another set of twins. I must be crazy, I don't think a second set would make life very easy but I never knew how much I would love to be a mom! I never thought I would be so sad that I have infertility issues as I was before the boys. It is amazing how different things in your life change your perspective.

May all your dreams be realized and if you suffer from IF may your journey to parenthood be a short one.

Prayers for a friend...

I got a call from a friend from work. (PG through IVF). She is in the hospital now, 29 weeks PG. She will be there until she delivers. She had some bleeding and has full Placenta Previa (sp?). She has had many miscarriages and she is not from Canada so her English isn't the best. She has been calling me for advice since she started her IVF as she doesn't always understand English so I try my best to help her out. She is such a sweetie I just hope everything is OK with her baby. So anyway if you can spare a prayer for her that would be great. The bleeding has stopped for now so I am hoping it stays that way.

FET Thoughts
HSG #3.... DONE! Yipee!! Now I just have to wait for the call from the clinic to start our FET. Starting to get nervous now. This will probably be the last of our embies, depending on how the thaw process goes, so if it doesn't work we will be done. I wish we could afford another fresh cycle but unfortunately it isn't in the cards for us. I just pray it works, I want to feel the joys of pregnancy again.

Quote of the day
"Shoot for the moon and even if you miss you will be among the stars. "
- Les Brown

Happy St. Patties Day & Things that really Tick me off!

First of all I would like to wish you all a very happy St. Patricks Day. I hope you all find that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. (We need something to pay for IF treatments!! ha ha)

So you ask what is ticking me off today. A while ago a request was sent out from my IVF clinic to send a letter to the local health minister. I am so annoyed that those of us who can't get PG have to pay dearly for a baby that may or may not ever happen that I decided to send a letter. Ya good idea, now I am really ticked off, here is a bit from my response.

My department relies on Alberta's medical community to determine medical necessity. Fertility treatments such as IVF and other procedures to enhance conception have not been identified as medically necessary to restore or maintain health and, therefore, are not insured under the AHCIP. While I appreciate your comments and am aware of the number of Alberta families who are affected by this issue, there are no plans in the immediate future to include IVF as a publicly funded service.

Medical consultations, radiological and laboratory services required to diagnose infertility, as well as treatment and surgery required to correct physiological and anatomical causes of infertility, are covered under the AHCIP. Medically necessary services provided during pregnancy and delivery that result from fertility treatments are also insured.

WTF, not a medical necessity? Ya I bet no one on that board has ever had IF problems? It just annoys me that it is not considered something that is necessary to restore or maintain health. I don't think my health does so great when I am dealing with IF. Oh and I love the comment that IVF is to ENHANCE conception? What?? Enhance it? How can you enhance something that didn't work in the first place? Oh but we are so lucky, if we happen to get PG that is covered enen thoughh it was a result of fertility treatments, how kind! Ya just a little sarcasm there)

I suppose this will annoy the crap out of me for a while!

Thank goodness I am scrapbooking this weekend, hopefully it will reduce my frustration factor!

FET Thoughts
Got the call to pre-register at the hospital for my HSG on Monday... I am sure I will still have to register when I get there, usually my paper work gets lost no matter WHAT I do!! Oh well nothing like some confusion to take your mind off of things. Looks like I have to drive myself Monday, that sucks as I usually get the sh*t knocked out of me after these things.

3 more sleeps until HSG day. Man will I be glad to get that over with!

Quote of the Day
"The best way to destroy your enemy is to make him your friend."
- Abraham Lincoln

(And if you don't destroy them they sure look confused anyway! Yes I am evil today!)

Anyone want to trade mothers?

Yes I have one of THOSE mothers. You know the one who always has a "but" attached to everything. That is nice 'but' it could have been much better... I remember one year working on a pen & ink drawing that I was so proud of. It was a castle. It wasn't perfect, it was my best though. So I framed it and gave it to my mother for a gift. Oh yes wait for it... That is nice 'but' this could have been better, that could have been better etc. For once I would have liked her just to say thank you and leave the but in her freakin brain somewhere. I had been drawing for a few years, that was it I quit. Now this was a loong time ago and still it burns me to this day. It's not that I can't take some critisim it was just that in my mother's mind EVERTHING needed to be criticized. It took me about 8 years after moving out to finally laugh out loud as SHE said that I sounded stupid. Oh yes and I got yelled at because of the way I breathe too?? What the heck is that all about, I don't breathe right either. I spent many years trying to get rid of some of the baggage from spending way to long at home. It almost ruined my marriage in the early years (the baggage). I was such an introverted person that it took me a long time before I wasn't afraid to speak. (I was so used to being judged I figured Everyone did it so I just chose not to say anything. It is very difficult to make friends and keep friends this way.)

I had a terrible time in high school and got picked on a lot. I used to just blame it on mean kids, but know looking back a lot of my issues. Actually I think most of my issues started with my mother. (She of course thinks she is perfect). I think she would kill me if I ever told her this, and turn it around to blame it on me. To this day she still tries to sabotage friendships, only I am on to her now.

I spent many years listening to her b*tch because she didn't have grandkids. I am an only child as she was unable to have anymore... gee do you think that maybe I was having problems?? She was relentless in her comments (of course she denies ever saying anything) Then she came over one day and said she wasn't sure who she was going to leave her crap to when she dies since I don't have any kids. Then she proceeded to tell me that if she decides to leave some of the good stuff to me that it will only be if I leave it to some of her sisters grandkids. WTF? Give it all away then if I am not that important to you I don't want any of it. Then after we had IVF success she came over again to tell me that she isn't leaving stuff to me as we have boys and they won't want any of the keepsakes. Well friggen heck (that's not really what I want to say but I didn't want to be too rude)... I just wanted to throw her fat arce out of my house. Don't leave us anything if we aren't good enough I don't want it if that's they way you are going to be! (Apparently her sisters grandkids are more important to her. Whatever)

Her other favorite thing to do to me. My dad spent some time working overseas, he brought back some stuff for everyone. He brought a necklace for my mom and me. Mom decided she wanted mine so she kept it and gave hers to my grandmother. Which is fine but she showed them to me and told me that dad had brought one back for her and one for me. Then she had to tell me that I wasn't getting either. I guess it would have been to hard for her to just keep her mouth shut and tell me who they were for (according to her). Then there was some other stuff, but she wanted stuff for her friends so she was giving it to them instead of me. I could care less who she gave stuff to but do you have to tell me it was supposed to be for me? Needless to say I think her friends got most of the stuff my dad brought back for me. I don't know why she doesn't just kick me too?

I pretty much had kept her at arms length. I had no reason to be 'best' buddies with her. I don't need her drama and criticism in my life! Unfortunately now that we have had one successful cycle with IVF she thinks it's HER right to be around. She TELLS anyone that will listen that her 'poor' daughter had to go through IVF. (Anything to gain attention for herself). I think the entire town knows now. She comes over if any of the relatives come over, I cannot visit with anyone in the family without her being here. Even when I was going through my difficult PG and couldn't get out of bed she wouldn't come over to help... but (There's her fav word) if someone came over she was here trying to make herself look good.

I also had a meltdown during my last FET and made the mistake of telling her that we were in the middle of our 2ww. WHAT A mistake, this will be something I will regret for the REST of my life!! 3 weeks PG and she was telling everyone who would listen even after I told her to keep her freaking cake hole shut! Oh but I was told it was "their information to share". Even my dad gave me sh*t after I said I wasn't too happy. After all we had been through I was so flipping mad!

So fast forward to December. My husband had to leave town for 2 weeks, I am at home with 4 month olds. Could they help me out at all.. no! Not even a supper to help out. Too bad one of my relatives didn't bring out supper then she would have had to, you know have to look good in front of the relatives.

So that was just a bit of background as to why I am so angry these days when it comes to stuff my mother does. Now what she does is pretty minor and forgettable but it has been so many years of her crap that I just can't take anything she dishes out. I am the horrible daughter. I was so awful to bring up (according to her... did I mention I never did anything wrong, except not tell her about a test once, as I was terrified of her. She never lets anything go you pay for it for a life time.)

I don't know what to do, I don't want her around me or my kids. When she comes over I want to leave the room she drives me crazy. I am beginning to think our only option is to move across the country (but then she will come and visit, I think that would be so much worse!) I am so sad that I hate my mother. My whole life I have been looking for friendships to fill the void, it just doesn't work that way. Will I always feel like I am second best and missing something? I suppose I will. Everyone has their issues I guess but I really don't need this kind of aggravation in my life.

Needless to say the hag doesn't know about our next FET... and if I am lucky enough to get PG she will not know until the first trimester is over. Now I just have to get her off my back trying to sell stuff that we are almost done with (car seats etc).

She also has a friend who is NASTY, long story. Anyway her friend and the friends daughter aren't really speaking. My mother thinks the daughter is terrible, that's her mother and no matter what she has done to her daughter it shouldn't matter she should still be nice to her mother. (Trust me the daughter has every right not to want to be around her mother much). In my mothers world I guess it's ok to be as mean as she likes I should just take it and be nice to her.

I think I have finally come to the realization that I cannot fix it and things will always be the same. I just wish I didn't ever have to see her again. :(

It's great to have some of that off of my chest thanks for "listening"

I guess after all that no one wants to trade mothers? Hmm should have kept my mouth shut I guess! lol

FET Thoughts
HSG = 4 more sleeps. Can't wait to get the HSG over with and move on to the next step!

Quote of the day
There is no such thing in anyone's life as an unimportant day."
- Alexander Woollcott

Warning Kids Discussed
I sit here and look in wonder at my boys. I still can't believe they actually came from me and I was actually PG. Every day I seem more connected to them, I didn't think that was possible. I really wasn't sure what I was missing while struggling through our years of IF. Now I could not imagine my life without them (even the grumpy days!). Now it makes my heartache even more for those who are still struggling with IF, they truly are fighting a battle that is worth it when successful. My life feels much better now. It is fuller and it makes me feel like I finally have a reason for being here, I never knew what my purpose was before? I always kid of wondered.

I worry each day that I will be a good mother since the example I had wasn't so great. I guess in some ways it will make me a better mother because I know how much pain the wrong words can cause and how they can last a very long time. I always thought we were suffering with IF because I would be a bad mother like mine and that is why I couldn't get PG.

Anyway I thank God each day for my precious gifts and I am so grateful that they are here.

Before our successful cycle I wasn't sure about adoption, now as I look at my boys I now more than ever know that adoption would have been ok too. A baby is a baby it doesn't matter where they come from... All that matters is you love them and they love you. It's funny how the things that you weren't sure about before become more clear depending on where you are in your life.

Good luck no matter where your journey is taking you or what your journey is.

Take care and have a great day.

What no more snow?

Well there hasn't been any snow for the last couple of days... I think 2 feet is sufficient for now though. It has been a wee bit chilly -16 degrees Celsius, this morning. It has been really sunny though so I am not complaining and spring is around the corner. I am not really that much for spring though I hate the mess the winter melt makes, all brown and stinky yuck. I wish we could skip the melting stage or get it over in a day!

FET Thoughts
Waiting for my dr.'s office to call back with my HSG appointment (uuugh!). Yup good ole Aunt F decided she just had to visit again this month. I was so hoping that maybe this time the baby dance would work - ya right, oh well a girl can dream I guess! I am thinking it will probably be Thursday or Friday we will have to wait and see. I will be glad when it is over and we get to move on to the next step. It feels more real now that we are actually doing something. I am hoping that we get the call next month to do our next cycle (I think anyway?) I just hope and pray it works. I am not sure about our chances though. I read somewhere that 80% of embryos produced through IVF are not viable. The article was in inciid's website a while ago but I couldn't find it. So anyway what that means to me... So out of 15 embies that means that 12 are no good so only 3 have a chance and 2 are already used up. So if I am lucky there may be one more viable embie left? Not to mention that the freeze/thaw could destroy the last remaining good one or maybe I already lost it? Oh yes and they use the good quality embies up first so I wonder what that means? Is there anything good left? (Yes I over think everything, keeps me up nights and gives me headaches!)

Given that I have already burned through most of our embies is there any chance? I hope so but I am so very afraid to go down the negative road yet again. But aren't we all?

HSG UPDATE - Scheduled for Monday March 20th, 8:30am! Great I get to stew about it all weekend!!! ha ha! I was kind of hoping it would be Friday!

Quote of the day
"The best way to cheer yourself up is to try and cheer somebody else up."
- Mark Twain

Warning kids discussed
Well in my quest to feel like a parent instead of an Infertile I decided to go out with the boys yesterday. A bunch of gals from the twins club decided to meet at the local boys and girls club - parent link. So here we are 4 of us with twins ranging from 7 months to 10 months and another gal with 3 year old twins. Can you say Chaos? Of course when I walk in the first think I see is a PG lady. Looking all bitchy! Smile gosh darn it some of us actually want to be that way! (Probably another fertile HAG, gets PG just from looking at her husband). So anyway 2 of the twin moms I met at prenatal class for multiples. (Very nice gals but again fertile hags! They both decided to have babies, got PG the first month of trying AND twins... Talk about greedy! Good thing they are nice gals) The other gal I don't know her story but I felt sorry for her. Her 10 month old boy twins are on the move and into everything. I give her credit for coming out boy was it a lot of work. OMG this is what I have to look forward too... and I thought it would get easier. I suppose it will when they are 5 or so. Good thing I love them so much or life may get really complicated!

Well the transition from IF to mom sure is going to be a long slow battle for me. I just felt so out of place still. I guess time is really all I need and keep trying to be just a parent for a while!!

It was great to get out, although I can't believe all the work. We were up at 7:30am feed, change them, get them dressed, get me dressed, feed them their oatmeal, start the car, load them in their car seats, get to them to the car and woola it's 9:30am already!! 2hours, wowee! How am I ever going to go back to work? I was getting up at 5:30am pre boys, what will I have to get up at 4:30am.

Oh yes the big work dilemma. What to do. I would much rather stay at home... but I work in technology when the boys go to school I want to go back to work so that we can afford some nice holidays to Disney etc. But if I don't go back now I am afraid the doors will be shut in 5 years and I will have to start all over. What to do? I don't want to put the boys in daycare and finding a day home for twins is almost impossible. I would like to do some consulting and work from home but I am not sure how to go about it. Also I should go back to work if I get PG so I can enjoy one more year paid mat leave (things about Canada that don't suck... a year mat leave).

So if you have any child care/work ideas let me know!!

Have a great day

Friday - guess what more snow!!

So much for going into the city today. I really need to buy some new pants before the butt falls out of the ones I have! I hate buying clothes, when I was skinny it was much more fun! Oh how I miss my skinny days, you know back when you could see your hip bones cause the stuck out, way out! Now I have to go digging to find the darn things, I know they are in there somewhere!

A friend of mine just had to have her last tube removed due to another eptopic PG. She had a failed IVF, had pretty much given up then got PG the old fashion way, only to find out that it was eptopic at her 6 week u/s. She said she could even see the babies heartbeat. It made me so sad. I can't possibly even begin to imagine how awful she is feeling right now. How much is any one person supposed to take? The 'big picture' continues to elude me?

FET Thoughts
Today I feel as though I do not have a right to ask for yet another gift when there are so many who are still waiting. I want to change the world darn it, if only I had the power

Quote of the Day
"Compassion for others begins with kindness to ourselves. "
- Pemma Chodron

Warning Kids Discussed
Well today is another day. I think I have fixed the 'screaming' through lunch/supper issues. Instead of giving the boys their bottles after solids I give them to them an hour before lunch/supper. Seems to have done the trick and they still eat their meat/veggies/whatever is on the menu. I feel much better that they are not screaming so much, but I feel bad that I didn't try this sooner. Poor little monkeys, mom needs to take a class or something.

The small smiles make everyday worth it. I love it when they smile!

I actually had my first major accomplishment yesterday. I got our master bedroom cleaned today and didn't feel guilty about it! I put both boys in a seat on the bed and we played peek-a-boo and sang songs while I cleaned. They even had their morning nap while the vacuum was running! I am continually going through things in our house to remove non-child friendly items. After 11 years of marriage they are everywhere. So now the bedroom is almost done, next up the bathrooms! A while ago we put new cupboards in the laundry room and ALL chemicals went UP.

Yesterday was a good day I am sure today will be too

Snowing again, the husband (chief cook and snow shovel-er) will be happy

It's snowing again! Wow I think we are getting our winters worth of snow in 4 snowfalls. We had 8 inches fall in about 2 hours a couple of days ago and now about an inch in the past hour! It is coming down like a heavy rain, I sure am glad I don't have to drive anywhere today!

FET Thoughts
Well its another day, I am still waiting, AF should be here sometime next week. Then it's off to the HSG! I am sure glad it's a quick one. I am debating if I should drive myself this time? Usually it wipes me out but I think I should be fine to drive. It is my third one so it's not like I don't know what to expect. It's only about a 45minute drive home so I think I can manage that.

Quote of the Day
How beautiful a day can be when kindness touches it. "
- George Alliston


Ok I have decided to change up my posting style. I have found that not only do I have to deal with my IF I also need a place to discuss my other part of my life that involves my kids. I have been avoiding discussing my kids pretty much but I really need a place to deal with transitioning from IF to parenthood as I don't think I have done that very well. So from no on if I have something to say I will add it to the bottom of my post so that way you can choose if you would like to read it or not. I will add my Warning at the bottom before I start instead of in the title of my posts as I have done before.

Warning Kids discussed below
As I mentioned above I am trying to transition from IF to parenthood. My twins are approaching 8 months so it is really about time. Going through another FET is not helping with this I suppose. I have joined a twin parents group, I still feel like such an outsider even though I do belong there. It is still strange to think of my boys as twins since they were created through IVF. Yes they are twins but really should they have been. I went to my meeting last night and one of the lady's is PG (They are everywhere, it's like an illness I just can't catch), one of the other gals leaned over and whispered to another gal that she has twins but they were from "IVF". I didn't catch the rest of the conversation, but I was totally annoyed that she referred to her twins as IVF twins. I don't think I will tell anyone in the group that my boys are IVF boys. Don't get me wrong all the gals seem really nice but was that really information that needed to be passed around that way?

I did manage to meet a few gals and we are going to meet next week. It will be nice to get out of the house. After suffering through IF for so many years our friends are not at the same place in life that we are so I am needing to make some new friends that have children. Not that I am going to dump my old friends, although a few have 'dumped' us already. I guess life changes when you have small kids, oh well I wouldn't change it for the world.

I have been struggling to find my balance. I am not sure that I am doing what I need to do to be a good parent and that is so important to me. Not that I have to be the best parent I just want to be a pretty good one. I really haven't got a network to help me out. (Hopefully that will come soon). I feel like I have spent so much time avoiding kids and kid issues and people with kids that I don't really know what I am doing. I am struggling with feeding and what to do and keeping the boys busy. I feel guilty when I am cleaning if they are awake. I don't suppose I have to play with them all the time when they are awake, but I am just worried I am not playing with them enough. I guess that is part of parenting - worrying.

Anyway that's all I have to say today...

Did I do something to piss off the Karma gods?

Yesterday was my ultrasound appointment. So as per usual you walk into the clinic and there are several happy PG ladies waiting for their pictures, all smiley and such. As I am wishing them a little case of heartburn, jut until they leave anyway so I don't have to see that damn PG smile. Unless of course they had IF troubles then they can skip the heartburn and enjoy.

Moving on... I handed the tech my requisition form and waited. They call my name and I go in. So what does she say to me??? "How many this time?" What can't you read, that requisition was NOT for PG. It was like having the nasty IF gods stick a knife in my heart. I was polite and said "I wish... Unfortunately I am still infertile". I really wanted to scratch her eyes out with the 'nasty cam'!

Wow it is really snowing this morning! Great I have to drive on the highway this afternoon for a dr's appt. Hope it clears up by then. Not a fan of driving on Nasty roads.

FET Thoughts
Well now I feel like I have officially started down the road to my next FET, next up HSG (ooo can't wait for that one!)

Quote of the Day
"If you want truly to understand something, try to change it."
- Kurt Lewin

And I cried...

There was a great show on Life network Canada last night called Embryo Adoption. It really hit home. They were discussing Snowflakes embryo adoption. They are situated in the US. They used to accept embryos from Canada however due to a frig up at the Canada/US border they don't accept embryos from Canada any more. (What a shame I felt somewhat better when I heard that this may be an option vs. Anonymous donation). The show was pretty good, just the mention of IVF/IF/Babies etc brought me to tears. I did take issue with a few things in the show, the couples they showed all had success immediately and the one who was PG found out by U/S?? What the heck, they even saw the heart beat (Isn't that only visible around 6 or 7 weeks? I doubt she waited that long to find out she was PG). Well It was wonderful to hear that this is an option in the US, I hope someday it is an option in Canada as well.

I suppose it would be difficult to allow someone to 'adopt' any 'left over' embryos, however I would feel better about that option vs. destruction of the embies. Also it would be nice to at least know if there are genetic children out there somewhere. I tried to link to their site (Snowflake embryo adoptions) but it appears to be 'down'.

If I have any frozen embies left when I am done I sure hope that I could put them up for adoption. As much as I would be sad that my genetic children are somewhere else other than with me I would be just happy that they were out there somewhere instead of destroying them.

FET Thoughts
I hate waiting!

Today is ultrasound day... great full bladder! I am quite sure I will get to hang out with the dildo cam too!

Quote of the Day
"It is only possible to live happily-ever-after on a day-to-day basis."
- Margaret Bonnano

More snow on the way!

More snow forecast for today and tomorrow! I hope we do get more as the weather forecasters don't seem to get it right all that often. So my dear sweet husband is off for a "man" day tomorrow. Hmmm I wonder what I am going to do?

I suppose I could complete my order for scrapbooking stuff... ya I am a member of the 'scrapbooking cult'. My dear husband says I "pimp my shit" where ever I go!! :) I am hoping to get some more scrapbooking done on Sunday but we will see as we have a birthday party to attend Sunday.

Lucky me yet another birth in my circle of friends (well we are friends with the husband but don't really know the wife that well). Ya must be nice to be fertile, under 30 and have 3 kids by 3 different fathers. Me I would just be happy with a bunch of kids from the same father, but that's just me! Oh yes and a KIND friend decided to send me all the pictures of the new born. Oh ya and the new mom, she is a real piece of work, she is a stay at home mom that gives SAHM's a bad name. I don't even think she really takes care of the kids she already had. Why is it that the nasty ones are the most fertile?

FET Thoughts
Still waiting. Trying to plan a trip around a cycle that we have no idea when it will happen. Yet again IF is taking over our life even though we are trying not to let it.

Quote of the day
"We are the music makers and we are the dreamers of dreams..."
- Arthur O'Shaughnessy

Today is going to be a better day! (warning kids discussed)

Do tell me why people need to post nasty comments on blogs of people who are/have suffered so much with IF? Poor Jen That's soo uncalled for. I guess some people like to kick those that are down! I hope it makes them feel better.

This morning I can look out the window at the 8 inches of fresh snow that fell the night before last. It is nice and sunny so it is even more beautiful!

Today has started out better than the last (no screaming twins, they are resting peacefully). I am actually going out this afternoon. It will be so good to get out of the house today. I think I am loooong overdue! Hopefully the fellas will be a little more cheery after their outing. Yesterday was a 'trying day' but with each yucky day comes a night and the start of a brand new day. (Thank goodness). I do love my boys but this new phase of screaming is not really an enjoyable one. I hope they get past it soon. Hopefully showering them with even more love with help.

FET Thoughts
Well we are still around the 'fertile' point of this cycle (Assuming that I ever have a fertile point!). So last night it was time to get 'busy' if you know what I mean. Guess what the husband rejected me? Ok so I had a REALLY bad day yesterday then my dear husband was being a complete jerk and THEN he rejected me. It makes me wonder if he cares that I will have to go for another HSG next month? (I am sure he does, I guess he has given up on the possibility of us getting PG the 'old fashion' way) It is just so frustrating? I guess now that we are doubly busy with the twins that the 'energy' just isn't there. I felt so bad when I went to bed, am I not desirable anymore? I still have that nasty 'overhang' and enough stretch marks to reach across the country from my twin pg. Maybe that offends him? It is unusual for me not to be singing the praises of my hubby, he does so much to help me out. But right now I just want to choke him!! :) Good thing today is another day, hopefully he will redeem himself!!

Quote of the day
A person's true wealth is the good he or she does in the world."

Things that bug me!

Things that bug me, hmm that could be a really long list... yes I tend to have some strong opinions, be they right or wrong at least they belong to me!! ha ha!

So anyway here is what is seriously ticking me off today.
1. Yahoo mail is flogging their Yahoo photo accounts. So I go to log on to my mail the other day to be greated by the picture of the day. So what was it you ask? Some freaking very PG lady (probably a fertile hag that gets PG by talking about it! ha ha) with her arms in the air standing beside some gold big belly statue thing. Ok so I guess yahoo isn't trying to rub it in to those that can't conceive but sheesh who needs to see that anyway? So anyway the photo of the day seemed to hang around for quite some time, finally it dissappeared for about a day, then guess what yesterday the fertile hag was back AGAIN? Ok so now I am annoyed - could you tell? :)

2. So some stupid woman got drunk and stabbed her German Sheppard. Her and her husband have had the dog for about 18 years I think it was. So anyway this woman got drunk and stabbed the dog for NO REASON. The poor dog is going to be ok but needed something like 80 stitches. The husband was sleeping in the other room, good thing she wasn't in the room with him instead??? There is talk that the police are going to lay charges, I sure hope they do. Poor dog. (Bet she was once a fertile hag too!!)

3. Some dr. is worried about us using IVF for "selecting" our babies. Last I checked all we want is to have a happy healthy baby? But that's just my opinion. For more see Prop your hips up

So that's just what is on the top of my list today... I could go on but who would want to listen!! :)

FET Thougths
Can they make a baby that doesn't cry? Maybe Dr. Spar could help out (see #3). Ok so I am just a little on the sarcastic side this morning! Still hoping the baby dance this month will work (ya and I believe in the tooth fairy too.. darn I should have kept my wisdom teeth they just pulled, suppose the dentist got the tooth fairy money for them... damn!). HSG pending in approx 2 or so weeks!

If only we were all as kind as A little bit pregnant. If you haven't heard she is raffling a beautiful quilt for another infertile.