Thursday, March 16, 2006

Anyone want to trade mothers?

Yes I have one of THOSE mothers. You know the one who always has a "but" attached to everything. That is nice 'but' it could have been much better... I remember one year working on a pen & ink drawing that I was so proud of. It was a castle. It wasn't perfect, it was my best though. So I framed it and gave it to my mother for a gift. Oh yes wait for it... That is nice 'but' this could have been better, that could have been better etc. For once I would have liked her just to say thank you and leave the but in her freakin brain somewhere. I had been drawing for a few years, that was it I quit. Now this was a loong time ago and still it burns me to this day. It's not that I can't take some critisim it was just that in my mother's mind EVERTHING needed to be criticized. It took me about 8 years after moving out to finally laugh out loud as SHE said that I sounded stupid. Oh yes and I got yelled at because of the way I breathe too?? What the heck is that all about, I don't breathe right either. I spent many years trying to get rid of some of the baggage from spending way to long at home. It almost ruined my marriage in the early years (the baggage). I was such an introverted person that it took me a long time before I wasn't afraid to speak. (I was so used to being judged I figured Everyone did it so I just chose not to say anything. It is very difficult to make friends and keep friends this way.)

I had a terrible time in high school and got picked on a lot. I used to just blame it on mean kids, but know looking back a lot of my issues. Actually I think most of my issues started with my mother. (She of course thinks she is perfect). I think she would kill me if I ever told her this, and turn it around to blame it on me. To this day she still tries to sabotage friendships, only I am on to her now.

I spent many years listening to her b*tch because she didn't have grandkids. I am an only child as she was unable to have anymore... gee do you think that maybe I was having problems?? She was relentless in her comments (of course she denies ever saying anything) Then she came over one day and said she wasn't sure who she was going to leave her crap to when she dies since I don't have any kids. Then she proceeded to tell me that if she decides to leave some of the good stuff to me that it will only be if I leave it to some of her sisters grandkids. WTF? Give it all away then if I am not that important to you I don't want any of it. Then after we had IVF success she came over again to tell me that she isn't leaving stuff to me as we have boys and they won't want any of the keepsakes. Well friggen heck (that's not really what I want to say but I didn't want to be too rude)... I just wanted to throw her fat arce out of my house. Don't leave us anything if we aren't good enough I don't want it if that's they way you are going to be! (Apparently her sisters grandkids are more important to her. Whatever)

Her other favorite thing to do to me. My dad spent some time working overseas, he brought back some stuff for everyone. He brought a necklace for my mom and me. Mom decided she wanted mine so she kept it and gave hers to my grandmother. Which is fine but she showed them to me and told me that dad had brought one back for her and one for me. Then she had to tell me that I wasn't getting either. I guess it would have been to hard for her to just keep her mouth shut and tell me who they were for (according to her). Then there was some other stuff, but she wanted stuff for her friends so she was giving it to them instead of me. I could care less who she gave stuff to but do you have to tell me it was supposed to be for me? Needless to say I think her friends got most of the stuff my dad brought back for me. I don't know why she doesn't just kick me too?

I pretty much had kept her at arms length. I had no reason to be 'best' buddies with her. I don't need her drama and criticism in my life! Unfortunately now that we have had one successful cycle with IVF she thinks it's HER right to be around. She TELLS anyone that will listen that her 'poor' daughter had to go through IVF. (Anything to gain attention for herself). I think the entire town knows now. She comes over if any of the relatives come over, I cannot visit with anyone in the family without her being here. Even when I was going through my difficult PG and couldn't get out of bed she wouldn't come over to help... but (There's her fav word) if someone came over she was here trying to make herself look good.

I also had a meltdown during my last FET and made the mistake of telling her that we were in the middle of our 2ww. WHAT A mistake, this will be something I will regret for the REST of my life!! 3 weeks PG and she was telling everyone who would listen even after I told her to keep her freaking cake hole shut! Oh but I was told it was "their information to share". Even my dad gave me sh*t after I said I wasn't too happy. After all we had been through I was so flipping mad!

So fast forward to December. My husband had to leave town for 2 weeks, I am at home with 4 month olds. Could they help me out at all.. no! Not even a supper to help out. Too bad one of my relatives didn't bring out supper then she would have had to, you know have to look good in front of the relatives.

So that was just a bit of background as to why I am so angry these days when it comes to stuff my mother does. Now what she does is pretty minor and forgettable but it has been so many years of her crap that I just can't take anything she dishes out. I am the horrible daughter. I was so awful to bring up (according to her... did I mention I never did anything wrong, except not tell her about a test once, as I was terrified of her. She never lets anything go you pay for it for a life time.)

I don't know what to do, I don't want her around me or my kids. When she comes over I want to leave the room she drives me crazy. I am beginning to think our only option is to move across the country (but then she will come and visit, I think that would be so much worse!) I am so sad that I hate my mother. My whole life I have been looking for friendships to fill the void, it just doesn't work that way. Will I always feel like I am second best and missing something? I suppose I will. Everyone has their issues I guess but I really don't need this kind of aggravation in my life.

Needless to say the hag doesn't know about our next FET... and if I am lucky enough to get PG she will not know until the first trimester is over. Now I just have to get her off my back trying to sell stuff that we are almost done with (car seats etc).

She also has a friend who is NASTY, long story. Anyway her friend and the friends daughter aren't really speaking. My mother thinks the daughter is terrible, that's her mother and no matter what she has done to her daughter it shouldn't matter she should still be nice to her mother. (Trust me the daughter has every right not to want to be around her mother much). In my mothers world I guess it's ok to be as mean as she likes I should just take it and be nice to her.

I think I have finally come to the realization that I cannot fix it and things will always be the same. I just wish I didn't ever have to see her again. :(

It's great to have some of that off of my chest thanks for "listening"

I guess after all that no one wants to trade mothers? Hmm should have kept my mouth shut I guess! lol

FET Thoughts
HSG = 4 more sleeps. Can't wait to get the HSG over with and move on to the next step!

Quote of the day
There is no such thing in anyone's life as an unimportant day."
- Alexander Woollcott

Warning Kids Discussed
I sit here and look in wonder at my boys. I still can't believe they actually came from me and I was actually PG. Every day I seem more connected to them, I didn't think that was possible. I really wasn't sure what I was missing while struggling through our years of IF. Now I could not imagine my life without them (even the grumpy days!). Now it makes my heartache even more for those who are still struggling with IF, they truly are fighting a battle that is worth it when successful. My life feels much better now. It is fuller and it makes me feel like I finally have a reason for being here, I never knew what my purpose was before? I always kid of wondered.

I worry each day that I will be a good mother since the example I had wasn't so great. I guess in some ways it will make me a better mother because I know how much pain the wrong words can cause and how they can last a very long time. I always thought we were suffering with IF because I would be a bad mother like mine and that is why I couldn't get PG.

Anyway I thank God each day for my precious gifts and I am so grateful that they are here.

Before our successful cycle I wasn't sure about adoption, now as I look at my boys I now more than ever know that adoption would have been ok too. A baby is a baby it doesn't matter where they come from... All that matters is you love them and they love you. It's funny how the things that you weren't sure about before become more clear depending on where you are in your life.

Good luck no matter where your journey is taking you or what your journey is.

Take care and have a great day.


At 1:37 p.m., March 16, 2006, Blogger Barely Sane said...

Hi... me again. Read your post today and just wanted to give you a big cyber hug.

Sorry your mom has to make things so difficult. I dont understand why people say/do the stuff they do. Makes my head spin sometimes. Just for the record, I think we tend to try to break the negative tendancies of our parents, so I imagine you'll be a great mom to the twins. Doesn't mean they'll always like you, but heck, that's what kids do right??

- K

At 9:56 p.m., March 16, 2006, Blogger TiggleBitties said...

Wow, I read your post about Mom. She sounds like not the nicest or most supportive person. That was the bad news. The good news is that you're going to break that cycle of "momsmanship." You will not be that kind of mother to your boys and however many babies are in your future. It sucks, but families are the people in our lives we don't pick out, they're just handed to us. How does that saying go? You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose but your family is no choice? I'm pretty sure I screwed that all up, but you get where I'm coming from. Seems like you're staying strong though. Good for you!

At 7:57 a.m., March 17, 2006, Blogger Just another Jenny said...

Your mom sounds like a real peice of work. My mother-in-law is alot like that. Nothing is ever good enough.
I'm not going to go on about my mom but I want to say that I really don't "like" my mother and that hurts. She was physically abbusive to me as a child so I am not sure I could ever trust with with a grandchild.
I think having a "crappy" mom is what drives us even more to be good mothers. We want to form the positive relationships with our children that we didn't have with our own others.

At 8:10 a.m., March 17, 2006, Blogger soralis said...

You guys are so kind! Thanks!!!


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