Frustrations....

Well I have been leaving messages with my clinic for over a week know... and nothing, nada, not one stinking call. I am still waiting for a follow-up call from my failed cycle, I am still waiting for information on what tests I need to have done for another fresh cycle. Waiting, waiting, waiting... am I frustrated? Heck Ya!

I guess they have their money and have done their bit so I don't matter anymore. Is this any way to treat a patient who has yet to pay for another fresh cycle? I THINK NOT! I wish I had options, I wish it wasn't one of the clinics with the best success rates in Canada. Frig I just wish I wasn't infertile!

*Update*
I love blogger, everytime I complain something actually happens. The dr. called me back and we finally had a converstation. As I expected there were no answers to any of my questions but I was overally happy with the conversation. My faith in the clinic is restored for the time being. So I guess we are waiting again!

Quote of the day
Living is a form of not being sure, not knowing what next or how... We guess. We may be wrong, but we take leap after leap in the dark.
Agnes de Mille (1909 - 1993)

Warning Kids Discussed
Be careful what you wish for. (By the way this is not meant to be me complaining, just chatting about how things have changed. Wait, I am complaining about one thing... bucket car seats should be able to be used longer!!!)


So I decided to 'run' to the bank quickly yesterday. (insert me laughing my head off here!)

A) Trip to the bank pre-kids. Jump in the car, drive to bank, run into to bank, do bank stuff, back to car, home. Approxx round trip 10 mins

B) Trip to the bank post-kids and the most wonderful invention EVER bucket car seats that clip into bases. Think about going to bank, prepare to go to bank, grab kids, put in bucket (if cold throw blanket over or if in jammies - to lazy to change them lol! throw blanket over.) Grab both car seats, open car, clip in car seats, make sure you have double stroller, drive to bank, get out stroller, unclip car seats, clip in stroller, go into bank (try to navigate doors with double stroller), do bank stuff, back to car, unclip seats from stroller, clip in car, home, approx round trip 1/2 hour

C) Trip to bank post-kids and post-bucket car seats. OMG it's a lot of work! Think about going to bank, have to dress kids, put coat on, take one kid out to car, buckle in car seat, lock all doors in car (make sure you have keys before doing so), go get other kid, take kid out to car, unlock door, buckle in car seat, make sure stroller in trunk (very important), drive to bank, get out stroller, unbuckle kid one, buckle into stroller, unbuckle kid two, buckle into stroller, go into bank, do bank stuff, Go back to car, take kid one out of stroller, buckle kid one into car seat, repeat with kid two, put stroller back in trunk, rest in car for a second than drive home. Approx round trip ALL morning... I kid you not!

Good thing I love them so much or I may never get out of the house! :)

Take care

To blog or not to blog... that is the question

Well I have been spending some time trying to figure out if I am going to continue blogging or not. I was beginning to wonder if blogger is bad luck to us who are cycling. I have decided that blogger does not have the power to stop me from getting pregnant, so I have decided to stay. The biggest reason I have decided to stay is because of the wonderful people I have met here in blog land. (It's like having a couple of free psychologists on hand... thanks girls, send me your bill! :) )

So here we are back to regularly scheduled programming.

First I would like to wish my American friends a happy Memorial Day!

I have been keeping busy, re-arranging and cleaning out my house... way to much crap and not enough space!

IVF Cycle #2
I am not so patiently waiting for my clinic to call me back with information on what preliminary testing I will need to have done before I can start another cycle. I am also waiting for the Dr. to call me back so we can discuss the last failed cycle. For those of you who were wondering, Auntie F finally showed up, making me think that they transferred WAY to early this time.

... and so I wait

Quote of the day
Imagination is the beginning of creation. You imagine what you desire, you will what you imagine and at last you create what you will.
- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)

(If only that worked for IVF)

Warning Kids discussed
I had to take my dear son to the Dr. the other day. He had been loosing weight over the last couple of months and he hasn't started crawling yet so there was some concern from the local health unit.

Off to the Dr. we went... the pediatrician actually. Note to self send husband next time. It was an infertiles night mare! Walked in and they were delayed due to an emergency and there was standing room only and wee babies in for their 2 week checkup everywhere. Talk about stabbing a knife in my heart. I forgot that there would be so many babies there... Duh at a peds office! I am such an idiot, usually I prepare before going to places like that but I was just thinking of my little fella. Next time I will remember that there are babies at a peds office! :)

Well we sat down and waited and waited. People were starting to get really annoyed because of the wait. Well let me tell you if my kid is needing emergency care I would sure want the doctor to be with him instead of worrying about a delay at the office. My guess would be that all the people complaining would probably feel the same way? The Dr. apologized for the wait, schtuff happens like I said!

While we were waiting we were sitting by miss fertile and her kid (he was about 7 years old ish I though). He was wondering how old everyone's babies were. He noted that my little fella had a soother. His mom was quick to point out that his sister, who was younger than my fella, had a soother too BUT SHE ONLY GOT HERS AT NIGHT. I wanted to say something but I shut up... I guess she is Mother of the year... suck it chicky poo! I personally don't like soothers but I prefer the boys sucking on them than putting everything ELSE in their mouths, so I guess I am the one with the issues not them! :) Needless to say the conversation quickly turned to. Where do babies come from? Well Mother of the year told her son that they came from mommies bellies. Of course he wondered how they got there, so Mother of the Year replied that a sperm and an egg get together in mommies bellies. So the little fella wondered how they got there (I never did hear her answer, I think she just ignored it). Well anyway I started to bust a gut laughing. The guy standing beside my husband said "I think I will defer that question to mom" (father to cute 3 week old... sigh). So by this point I am almost busting out in full laughter. I lean over to my husband and say. Well at least we have an easy answer to that one.

Possible future conversation....
Our Boy: Where do babies come from
Mom and/or Dad: Well mom and dad had to drive a long way, pay a lot of money to some very expensive doctors who mixed y'all up in a petri dish! Cool Eh?
Our Boy: What's a petri dish?

Take care

Working on healing...

Well I have been busy trying to heal from our latest BFN. It is a different process after you have 'crossed over' from the 'dark side'. You know the one where you think it will never happen, to well it happened once so it should be able to happen again... right?

At least before a successful cycle I knew how I was going to feel, but now I need to find a new healing strategy. I didn't think I would ever be in 'this place', secondary infertility. Before I thought people suffering from secondary infertility were different then the primary infertiles. What right did they have to suffer? They have a baby, they should just be thankful. Well talk about my own thoughts biting me in the arce!

I am there now, I understand now, I have learned my lesson. I found out that secondary infertility can be just as devastating as primary, there is a difference though. That 'dark place' the one where you are afraid you will never have a child is GONE! Other than that it is pretty much as painful.

I thought when I heard I had twins I would be done. I thought that I could move past infertility. I thought how lucky I was that I would never have to go down the infertility road again. It's amazing how things can change. It's amazing how I still have so much to learn about infertility.

sometimes I wonder just how much suffering one person can take. When I was young and going through more than your average troubles, I thought this was all for a reason, it has to get easier right? I kept my eye on the future, the better place, the easier place. Then to my surprise things started getting more painful and more difficult. I tried to keep my head up and push on, there has to be something better, it has to get easier right? Well it didn't get easier again things got more difficult, an unhealthy relationship, then an abusive one... Still I kept pushing on... then I met my husband. Things are going to get better now right... well then came the worst pain... almost 11 years of infertility, ovarian cancer and other stuff. I wondered just how much more I could bear. Why do I need to suffer so much, am I that deserving of pain? Then finally the successful cycle! Finally the 'before' didn't matter as much anymore, the holly grail had been found. So there is hope... now I just have to figure out how to put the 'before' behind me, lock it away in a safe place and heal.

So what am I doing to heal? I am trying to keep very busy, yet take small moments to acknowledge my pain. I am thankful that I will never have to be in the 'dark place' ever again.

So what's next? Possibly another fresh cycle (given that I am even thinking about this must mean that I really do want another child). I am worried that it may never work again given our lousy track record. I am worried about the money that we just don't have.

I have been busy trying to come up with some way to remember our lost embryo's so I have been spending time coming up with this. It has also been very healing for me... Click any of the pictures to see a bigger image

Bracelet #1

This is my memory bracelet. I wanted something that wouldn't be obvious but that has meaning to me. I spent a lot of time thinking about this and it took quite a while to find exactly what I was looking for.

The pink and blue beads are in memory of the boys/girls that I never knew. The white beads represent healing. The 2 silver hearts signify myself and my spouse, our hearts will never forget our lost ones. The angle is for protection of my lost ones and the green beads are in honour of my lost embryo's. The two silver beads on the ends are holding everything together, and holding all of our hearts together.

The meaning of the colours
Blue signifies peace and tranquility
Pink signifies healing and emotional love
White is for healing and peace
Silver is for purity
The green is meant to have no meaning as it is in memory only of my lost ones.


Bracelet #2

This bracelet is for fertility and luck with IF treatments

The green beads signify fertility and luck. The white beads are there for peace during a difficult time. The blue and the pink beads signify the children I hope to have. The hearts are for the love that my spouse and I have for a child that we are waiting for. The angel is there to watch over us during our journey and the silver beads at the ends are what holds us all together.

The meaning of the colours
Blue signifies peace and tranquility
Pink signifies healing and emotional love
White is for peace
Gray is for balance
Green signifies fertility and luck.

I am thinking of s.elling these to support my next cycle. Each one would be hand made just for you and I was thinking of $20 for the first one and $15 for any additional... shipping included. Let me know what you think... email me if you are interested.

I also have some other memory bracelet ideas

for the loss of a boy


for the loss of a girl


for lost of an unknown baby

IVF Thoughts - on the waiting list again
I still really want another child so now it's time to try to find the means to do so.

Quote of the day
Always behave like a duck - keep calm and unruffled on the surface but paddle like the devil underneath.
-Jacob Braude

Thank you...

I would like to thank everyone for their kind words during such a difficult time for me. It makes me even sadder that most of you are still waiting for your first success. IVF can be a cruel and painful way to continue fighting the infertility battle.

What's next for us? Continue to count our blessing of our lonely successful cycle. Pray for the strength to be a good parent even with the empty feeling of a non-successful cycle, which to me is the most important goal right now.

What do I want? I want to do another fresh cycle. If only the money was available for such things. We are trying to figure out what we can sell to pay for another go round the craziness wheel. But really do I want to go through all of this again? The chance that it may never work again is scaring the crap out of me.

Oh and to top it off Aunt Flo is hiding somewhere? I have had two previous failed cycles, the first one aunt F made her appearance before my PG test (ya and they say the drugs are supposed to stop that!!) and the second one my cycle started immediately after I stopped the meds. So I stopped the meds on Saturday and still nothing... it's messing with my head! My cycle waits for nothing... not even when I was b/fing after my successful cycle. So I phoned my clinic, they just annoyed the crap out of me. The gal was very nice but said if I was so worried I should phone my family doctor... I guess I didn't pay enough for after care? Oh ya and she did say sorry about your failed cycle and I see you have no frozen embryo's left, I guess you should just be happy with your twins. WTF... no I am not happy about my twins you dumb idiot! What do you think after everything we have been through don't you think I ALREADY am thankful. They need to send some of these idiots on sensitivity training. I get that 'thankful' comment so often I am so sick to death of it... STOP making me feel like I don't deserve a successful PG just because I have had one before (and that one was so easy... 11 years TTC then 2 failed rounds of IVF before success... ya that was REALLY easy... I just don't understand what my problem is! Ok enough with the sarcasm!)

It's official I hate the nurses at my clinic!! I guess when you keep going back for more you are bound to hit a bunch of bad ones!

I may need to take a bit of a break for a while but I will pop in from time to time and I will be back. I am weary from the battle and need to recharge and figure out what is next.

I wish all of you still fighting the battle success very soon and those who have the strength to move on I hope you find all the peace and happiness you deserve.

Take care

The results are in...

BFN

We were supposed to be away camping until tomorrow, but I had to come home this morning... I am crushed. I can't believe that I will never be PG again. I don't know where to start the healing process this time.

Stats
-----
20 retrieved.
17 fertilized.
15 good
4 lost during thaw
11 replaced in 5 transfer... resulting in 2 babies

That's 13% success rate... just lovely!

That is all I have to say for today!

One more day... NO MORE POAS

Well I have resisted the urge to use that last pee stick. I will be waiting until my blood test tomorrow to find out if I am lucky or not. I am going first thing in the morning tomorrow and hope to get the results in the afternoon. If I don't find out tomorrow I will have to wait until Tuesday since it's a long weekend here in Canada. I wish I was closer to my clinic at least they don't Frig around and I would have the results right away, but a 8 hour drive return just doesn't make sense for a PG test. Wish me luck getting my results tomorrow!

Will this day ever end? Do I want it to? My last hope at being PG hangs in the balance so I am not sure if I want tomorrow to come or not. Either I am PG or I am not, time will tell.

So anyway my next post will be when I get the results. I don't have much hope left but that's what IVF does sometimes.

Take care everyone

Yes I did it... POAS

Yes I caved and POAS... negative. Yes it may have been early but realistically it's probably over. I am going to wait to get to depressed until my blood test on Friday. I am going to hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

I would be ok with a failed cycle (well as OK as one can be) if I knew that there was still another chance, another cycle, some more frosties... Without the money to do another fresh cycle we are done. It just angers me that having another baby is all about how much money we can come up with.

Oh lovely on the news update they are talking about the 63 year old mom to be... it's pretty bad when a 63 year old can get PG and us younger folk have trouble. I wonder if she has $10 grand for me so I can do another cycle? LOL!

Oh and did I mention my friend that took a whole 3 months to get PG (she called me every month asking for my support because I must understand what she was going though) called me today. She hasn't called me since she go PG so why today? Did I do something this week to piss off the Karma gods or what? I got to hear about her wonderful PG and her 2 friends. It was such a nice chat. (add just a little sarcasm to that last sentence for me will you!)

I sure hope we get some good news around here soon for a few of us at least.

Thanks mom...

I would like to thank my mom...

for making me feel like I was a failure
for making me feel like I wasn't good enough
for taking away my passion to draw
for making me feel ashamed to laugh cause I sounded stupid
for yelling at me for the way I breathe
for blaming me for her secondary infertility
for making me so unsure of myself I couldn't even go shopping for clothes alone
for making me so unsure of myself that I couldn't make friends
for living in fear of what I was going to get in trouble for next
for criticizing everything I have ever done
for using the word BUT with every 'compliment'
for ruining Christmas every year when I lived at home
for making think that I wasn't good enough to ever have children
for blaming me, at the end of every family vacation, for ruining it
for making my childhood miserable
for making my teenage years miserable
for thinking I slept with everyone I ever dated (so not true)
for never having faith in me
for taking away my self esteem
for making me cry after every phone call
for making me feel like I don't deserve to live
for blasting me for having my own opinion
for telling me what I do and don't like
for torturing my mind then and now
for not giving me 'a soft place to fall' when things get bad
for never being there for me
for never listening
for sharing my infertility with whoever she wants
for spending 10 years whining to anyone that would listen that she wasn't a grandparent
for blaming me for thinking she would never be a grandparent
for teaching me nothing about being a good parent

Hope you had a Happy Mother's Day mom! I guess I am lucky at least she never hit me.

I guess now I understand why I was sad yesterday on a day I when should have enjoyed my first Mothers Day.

FET Thoughts
Not having good thoughts today as it feels like Auntie F is just around the corner. I know that doesn't necessarily mean anything but it just doesn't feel right. I hope that my test on Friday proves me wrong.

Quote of the day
"A closed mind is like a closed book; just a block of wood. "
- Chinese proverb

Oh to be young and naive...

So I was out at a card making class last night (stampin up if you are familiar with the company). It was a blast! I was sitting at the young person table though. The gal that was teaching the class had a beautiful new house, got to love the smell of a brand new house. She is also getting married in June. A bunch of the gals knew each other and they were talking about getting married and newlywed stuff. (After almost 12 years of marriage there isn't too much 'new' around here. LOL)

Then the conversation turned to my favorite - babies! Yes then one of the gals said pretty soon there is going to be lots of babies around because we are all going to be pregnant. As I am sitting there in my corner just breathing, praying to god that one or both (prefer both, can't stand the thought of loosing another embryo) of my little ones stuck. Then the thought occurred to me, there was about 5 or 6 of them there, given the odds chances are at least one of them will have problems conceiving. I said a quiet prayer that these gals, which I didn't really know, never NEVER have to go through what I have to have a baby. I remember those days when Pregnancy was considered the 'next step', something that would just happen. I miss those days, especially as I sit here not so patienty waiting during my 2ww.

I realized just how much stronger I was then when I began this journey and just how different I was that these gals. Yes there was a few years between us but not that many. I carry battle scars that will last me a lifetime, that has changed my whole outlook on life over the years. Not that change is a bad thing, just that I am different now.

I just wanted to blurt out 'you never know what life has in store, be strong no matter what' and of course 'fertility is not guaranteed'. Instead I sat quietly in the corner wishing them all the best and hoping that I will be able to experience pregnancy just one more time.

By the way I really enjoyed the card making, it was nice to take my mind of my 2ww for a while.

To answer some questions.
ankaisa wondered - What did the negative embryologist say then? Well it wasn't that she said it wasn't going to work, but she wasn't really positive at all. Maybe it was the nasty look on her face that made me feel uncomfortable. She just wasn't like the gal from Friday who was all positive and bubbly. I asked if it looked ok and she didn't really answer, she seemed annoyed that I even asked a question. She was in a big hurry to get out of there. It was just weird.

Thanks everyone for the wonderful positive thoughts!

FET Thoughts
Ok so the first week was supposed to be easy... I think it would have been much easier if I knew that I still had frosties. I pray that my 'snowflakes' have stuck! I do feel different but I know it's just the nasty drugs playing with my mind! I am praying that Hope and Mother Nature are on my side just one more time!

Quote of the day
"Continuous effort, not strength or intelligence is the key to unlocking our potential."
- Liane Cardes

(Guess that person never went through infertility where strength is a must!! :))

Warning kids discussed
Everyday I look at my boys and pray that soon there will be another sibling (or 2) to join them. The more time I spend with them the more I want another child. I love them so much that I can't imagine not having another. Am I greedy, maybe? But they are children how could someone not want more? I must admit that my life is better since they came around and I have never felt so much joy and never been happier. I am truly lucky and they are each a miracle in a little package.

That's all I have to say today

Take care

Feeling a little better today... hope it lasts

Well our blast made it through the thaw process and after a 4 hour drive to the clinic it is now 'home'.

By the way sorry about my last post. I forgot that when you type in word then copy to blogger it does weird things with some puncuation! Thanks for reading anyway, I hope I didn't give anyone a head ache. (I did clean it up a bit today!)

So we did the trip and we are done with IVF, we have nothing left now. (unless someone has 10 grand burning a hole in their pocket and wants to give it to me for another cycle... LOL! Unless of course we get lucky with this one!)

So the other day I was b*tching about the ultra positive embriologist (sp?), watch out what you b*tch about!! The lady we had yesterday was about as friendly as a stick with thorns! I decided that ultra positive lady was much better than Miss Negative. WTF a negative embriologist in a fertility clinic, what is that all about? And god forbid you actually ask a question, I felt like I was intruding... I decided to keep some of my questions to myself as I know I could get a better answer from Dr. Google! ha ha!

So anyway 4th and 5th transfers are done, now I get to wait. I think this week will be fairly easy, it's the second week that will drive me crazy!!

I am supposed to test on the 20th (Saturday of the long weekend, ya that sounds like fun!) So I am going to go on Friday instead and pray to god that I get the results before the following Tuesday. That would suck!

Anyway better run.

Send some love to Jenny if you haven't already. She got a nasty BFN this weekend. I am hoping that she has some luck with her frosties in the future and that her heart heals a little.

Quote of the day
"Today is the first day of the rest of your life. "
- Abbie Hoffman

I wish I wasn't me today... but I guess it could be worse there could be NOTHING

Ok so here is my massive brain unload for today!

I am sitting in the back of the truck driving home from our transfer writing this. Was it a good day NO, could it have been worse YES, but not much!

So we drove down to our clinic (4hours) last night. We get to our hotel to find out that booking on the internet is NOT a good idea. I booked a non smoking room but apparently, all that was left was smoking so 'it' (nasty computer) booked us in a smoking room. Now if you don't mind smoke or are a smoker it wouldn't have been such a bad thing but for me it was like the beginning of a two day nightmare, that is going to turn into a 4 day night mare which I assume will turn into 2 weeks of hell followed by the nasty pregnancy test, which of course will be fine if it's positive.

So anyway the room was kind of stinky and making me a little bit sick (we both ended up waking up all stuffy, I think we are both allergic to smoke). We went out an bought a candle, plug in air freshener and one of those concentrated glade sprays (guess we should have gone for the frebreeze instead! LOL. The concentrated stuff stunk! The candle didn't do anything and the plug in air freshener wasn't strong enough. (Gee maybe that's why I was sick in the morning? Ya think!! :) ) Did I mention that they also had wireless internet, I was excited, I wouldn't have to go one whole night without the internet. Good luck with that, no wireless signal in our room, maybe it was all the smelly stuff interfering with the connection! :)

Well anyway we got up in the morning and I was worried that we would get a call that none of our embies had made it through the thaw process, but that wasn't going to happen to us out of the previous 8 that were thawed 7 of them were just fine!

Well frinckin hell we get there to find out we will only be transferring one embie instead of 2. (I have pretty much lost all hope on twins now, and talk about the brain going into overload!!!) So much for their 85% thaw success rate (I hate freaking stats!) only one of four embies made it, hmm that's only 25% success in my math world. So the poor nurse is doing her schpeel and all of a sudden she sneaks in we will be transferring one today. I am thinking wtf they were supposed to transfer 2. I was trying to process what was going on only to find out they thawed all of our embies to get 1 freaking good one. Needless to say she lost me at that point, I didn't give a crap as to what she had to say (and given that this is my 4th transfer I don't think there was any rocket science that I needed to know). I totally lost it, the tears were a coming. All through this cycle I kept thinking that there should be a couple left over 'just in case'. I guess not. Well we had one blast left so they recommended we transfer that one too. So now we are on our way home only to return on Sunday. So we already lied to crazy lady as to why were in Calgary so now what the hell do I do. It will be a lot of extra craziness that I don't think I really need right now to bring the boys, but I guess it's probably what I will do. Either that or make up another lie to tell my mom so she can come over and take care of the boys again. I hate freakin Infertility.

Oh yes and of course there was our chat with the embryologist today. That was freaking wonderful! OK maybe not. She is a very nice lady we had her for our successful transfer but today I just wanted to plug her. She was trying to make me feel better about our lone embie but everything she said just made me more annoyed. She pointed out that we were lucky to have even one success (ya no shit!) then she pointed out what a lovely embie we have (ya we had 8 lovely embies before and only 2 stuck around... so ya I know just cause they are pretty it doesn't mean they are going to stick! I am not new to this crap I know better now!) Uuug it is pretty bad when someone is trying to be nice that it doesn't help.

So ya today could have been worse, no embies. (I still feel like I lost 3 babies today) But I still feel like crap, I still am crying and I still want to hit the dude that invented IF :).

So now we drive all the way home so we can drive all the way back on Sunday. Good thing we have a diesel with today's gas prices! And after Sunday, good or bad result we are done with IVF so it's time to find something else to obsess about (watch out boys here comes mom!)

It's funny last night I just had a bad feeling about today... maybe it is a good thing that we are coming back on Sunday. I just have to pray that our little blast makes it through the thaw process! (Bonus they just called, usually there is an extra charge for the blast thaw but they are waving the fee... things are looking up!)

I have to end on a good note (even though the tears are welling up). That little blast that hopefully makes it home to mom (please god please) is the little one that has kept me hopeful through this whole journey. It was the one that let me know that we could make it past the embie stage and when BFN's came and went all I could think about is we still have that little blast and it IS going to stick cause it's got the genetic makeup to continue on!!

So what did I learn today:
1) IVF and Infertility still sucks
2) Don't assume 4 embies and 1 blast is enough for 2 transfers
3) Be prepared for anything when it comes to a thaw cycle
4) IVF still sucks (Oh ya I said that already!)
5) My hubby is great and supportive I will definitely keep him
6) My clinic is great and caring (ya we will see how happy I will be if we get a BFN!! LOL!
7) My PG test is on a Saturday... that sucks! One day before our anniversary!
8) Infertility sucks (did ya get that one yet?? :))
9) 2 trips to our clinic in 2 days is not fun
10) As of Sunday we will be done with IVF for good (unless a) we win the lottery.. ok we are done with IVF or b) someone gives us the money for a fresh cycle... ya we are done).

I just hope this works!

I am so sick of...

Well yesterday it was snowing, today it is sunny and tomorrow it should be back to 20 degrees Celsius (not bad considering it was 1 degree Celsius when I got up this morning!)

So anyway this is yet another gripe session!

I am so sick of infertility(IF) (aren't we all thought)
I am sick of IVF
I am sick of waiting for treatment
I am sick of waiting during treatment
I am sick of waiting during the waiting during treatment
I am sick of the drugs
I am sick of the headaches from the drugs
I am sick of the wondering if it will work
I am sick of the dreaded 2 week wait
I am sick of the money that leaves my wallet to have a baby (I would rather spend it on a baby)
I am sick of the stupid people comments
I am sick of the waiting (ya that's a biggy for me... and the rest of the IF world too I suppose)
I am sick of the insensitive comments from my mother (she should know better!)
I am sick of doing laundry (just checking to see if you were paying attention still :) )
I am sick of the BFN's (there really should be more BFP's out there for everyone)
I am sick of the frickin statistics (Ok so apparently if each embie has a 33% chance of sticking, if you put 2 in then you have a 60% chance of getting PG... WTF you still only have 33% if you ask me!)
I am sick of having to know more about medical stuff than I should have to
I am sick of waiting for my clinic to return calls (Afternoon only)
I am sick of driving for 4 hours to my clinic
I am sick of driving myself crazy with what if's
I am sick of all the crap that goes with the 2ww (obsessive panty checking - thanks Jenny for reminding me! LOL), wondering about every twinge, etc, etc, etc)
I am sick of non-IF PG women
I am sick of going through IF thoughts on a daily basis
I am sick of planning for the next cycle just in case this one doesn't work
I am sick of the cooter cam
I am sick of HSG's
I am sick of someone else (ie. the dr) being the only one who has a hope in getting me PG
I am sick of being Unexplained, give me a damn answer!
I am sick of the government saying IVF is for 'enhancing fertility' (how the heck do you enhance something that doesn't work)
I am sick of people asking if I went through IVF or IF treatments
I am sick of having no control
I am sick of having IVF induced stress
I am sick of being IF me... I just want to be me
I am sick of being IF (but aren't we all)

I think that about covers it!

Update
WTF is wrong with people? I just had a call from an acquantance, I have blogged or shall I say b*tched about before. Ya she got PG the first month after going off the pill back in December. So anyway she moved away (I was happy about that), I thought that was the last I would hear from her. Freaking calling plans guess who called today! SB (stunned b*tch) called me to yammer on about her 2 year old and her PG. Ya she knows about our IF, I guess since we had success before that means that it doesn't hurt anymore! SB was mad that she got PG, hello you are talking to an IF'er here dumbo! She doesn't know that we are trying again and I sure as heck wasn't going to tell her either. She is 5 months PG and she is just starting to be happy about it, what is wrong with you. If I got PG even after I was "done" I would be so freakin happy cause every baby is a blessing... ubra fertile neighbour got PG for her 6th time (they weren't trying) and she said it wasn't an accident it was just another blessing. I thought that was kind of a cool way of looking at it! Back to SB, after 1/2 hour bitching about how hard PG is and how upset she was that she was PG I just couldn't take it any more and told her I had to go. You would think that given all the long
Uuuugg thanks for letting me unload!

FET Thoughts
Started the progestrone suppositories today... still got to get hubby to 'play' marbles! :) 2 more sleeps until ET! silences on my end that she would have figured that I wasn't really all that interested. Oh ya and guess what she feeds her 2 year old all the time Corn Pops and Eggo's French toast... Gee I wonder why the frig he is hyper all the time, try some fruit and veggies why don't you.

I am still upset by all this I have been crying since she got off the phone. Life just isn't fair sometimes, I know that but why the heck does it still hurt so much?
Then the dreaded 2ww. I would really like to thank Jenny for reminding me how much it sucks! LOL

Quote of the day
"A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step. "
- Unknown

I've got dates girls... we are on our way

Just a quick update, clinic called, transfer date set for Friday the 5th! I was caught off guard as I expected the earliest date would be the 6th. I am feeling a bit overwhelmed, I am not sure that I have been mentally preparing for this... It's out of my hands now I just have to pray our frosties thaw well!

Update
The dr. I was hoping for is away for a week so he won't be doing our txfr :(. Can you believe it, it's snowing here? Where the heck did spring go... ya go ahead laugh!! :)

Warning talking about kids
I am such a lying you-know-what... and to crazy lady (my mother). I really wanted my hubby with me so we needed to find someone to sit with the twins. I just didn't feel right about taking them into the clinic. So my friend that 'knows' is in Europe, how rude! :) So my only other option is crazy lady. She doesn't know that we are in the middle of the cycle and I decided that for my own good I wasn't going to tell her either. So anyway needed one whooper of a lie to get her to come sit overnight (4 hr drive to my clinic). So I told her we have been waiting to see a counselor at the clinic re: what to do with our frozen embies (she thinks we are done). I told her we got a call from the clinic today (well that was true) and that they had a cancellation for Friday morning, could she come Thursday night and stay, we will be back Friday afternoon. Of course this meant listening to her dramatics but at least I know she will be good to the boys and I guess that's all that really matters.

So yes I am a lier... I feel guilty already

take care