Monday, May 15, 2006

Thanks mom...

I would like to thank my mom...

for making me feel like I was a failure
for making me feel like I wasn't good enough
for taking away my passion to draw
for making me feel ashamed to laugh cause I sounded stupid
for yelling at me for the way I breathe
for blaming me for her secondary infertility
for making me so unsure of myself I couldn't even go shopping for clothes alone
for making me so unsure of myself that I couldn't make friends
for living in fear of what I was going to get in trouble for next
for criticizing everything I have ever done
for using the word BUT with every 'compliment'
for ruining Christmas every year when I lived at home
for making think that I wasn't good enough to ever have children
for blaming me, at the end of every family vacation, for ruining it
for making my childhood miserable
for making my teenage years miserable
for thinking I slept with everyone I ever dated (so not true)
for never having faith in me
for taking away my self esteem
for making me cry after every phone call
for making me feel like I don't deserve to live
for blasting me for having my own opinion
for telling me what I do and don't like
for torturing my mind then and now
for not giving me 'a soft place to fall' when things get bad
for never being there for me
for never listening
for sharing my infertility with whoever she wants
for spending 10 years whining to anyone that would listen that she wasn't a grandparent
for blaming me for thinking she would never be a grandparent
for teaching me nothing about being a good parent

Hope you had a Happy Mother's Day mom! I guess I am lucky at least she never hit me.

I guess now I understand why I was sad yesterday on a day I when should have enjoyed my first Mothers Day.

FET Thoughts
Not having good thoughts today as it feels like Auntie F is just around the corner. I know that doesn't necessarily mean anything but it just doesn't feel right. I hope that my test on Friday proves me wrong.

Quote of the day
"A closed mind is like a closed book; just a block of wood. "
- Chinese proverb


At 10:45 a.m., May 15, 2006, Blogger Flygirl said...

Makes me even more grateful for my Mom. Wanna borrow her for a bit?

Happy belated Mother's Day to you. I'm holding you close in my thoughts.

At 10:54 a.m., May 15, 2006, Blogger GLouise said...

AWw- that stinks about your mom. What is her problem?!

Don't you wish you could go back in time and tell the little girl that was you, that "everything will be OK?"

Wishing you positive FET thoughts!

At 11:51 a.m., May 15, 2006, Blogger Barely Sane said...

I'm sorry the Crazy Lady was such a crappy mom. I'll assume you didn't see her yesterday?
Congrats on your first Mother's Day with your babies!

Fingers still crossed for the FET! Good luck on Friday!

At 12:33 p.m., May 15, 2006, Blogger Alli said...

Oh, I'm so sorry you had a crappy day yesterday and sorry the Crazy Lady is, well, the Crazy Lady. I guess she did teach you one thing: How not to parent!

Thinking of you!

At 1:05 p.m., May 15, 2006, Blogger DD said...

Ugh about your Mom. I hope she can know someday not only how much she hurt you, but how much stronger you are today in spite of her.

At 1:13 p.m., May 15, 2006, Blogger One Mother's Journey said...

I hope your wrong about your FET. I've got everything crossed for you.

I'm sorry that your mom gave you the ammunition for your list, but hope that writting it down at least helped a bit.

Happy Belated Mother's Day.

At 1:23 p.m., May 15, 2006, Blogger Just another Jenny said...

I hear you on the crap mom, although mine hit me but maybe wasn't as emotionally abusive.
I hate scanning the Halmark store for a card that says "here's your card because I feel obligated".

I am sorry you didn't properly celebrate your first mothers day. I hope the boys made some gross breakfast in bed drool ceral or something like that (not that you'd eat it, it's the thought).

At 2:30 p.m., May 15, 2006, Blogger Hopeful Mother said...

Soralis, I hope you feel better for writing that down. Your childhood sounds like it was awful. Nobody deserves to be treated that way!

You are going to be the most loving and supportive mom on the planet. You know from personal experience what NOT to do. (That certainly has to be the most painful way to learn that lesson, though.)

I really, really hope that AF is not coming, and it's just your body sending funny signals.

Thinking of you!!!

At 2:50 p.m., May 15, 2006, Blogger Demeter said...

The good thing is you can prove her wrong with your two little ones. I hope Friday is a great day for you. I will keep my fingers crossed for good news. Happy mother's day to you! You deserve it.

At 4:21 p.m., May 15, 2006, Blogger Beagle said...

I agree with Demeter . . . you're in charge now. You're the Mom you never had.

How sad that she couldn't / wouldn't live up to the challenge and the privilege of motherhood. You deserve better!

At 4:49 p.m., May 15, 2006, Blogger serenity said...

I am sorry to hear that you had a sad Mother's Day because of The Crazy Lady... but she did teach you how NOT to parent...

And Friday is going to be a good day, I know it. I have all my fingers and toes crossed for you.


At 4:39 a.m., May 16, 2006, Blogger Angie said...

Having a mom like that will only make you a better mom! Good luck Friday.

At 5:26 a.m., May 16, 2006, Blogger Meg said...

Soralis - Again it is clear to me, the gravity of parenting. I'm sorry you haven't had a better time.

At 10:15 a.m., May 16, 2006, Blogger Sarah said...

Happy belated Mother's day to you. The Crazy Lady sounds absolutely dreadful. One good thing that she did do though, was create you. You've probably learned a lot through her too, such as how NOT to parent.

You are a strong person who deserves better than her. I have everything crossed for your FET!!

At 6:20 a.m., May 18, 2006, Blogger Keeping The Faith said...

Few can understand the gut wrenching pain of having a Mom that causes such angst. I always think I can't be hurt anymore by my mother, since I now know (rationally) that it's not my fault that she's the way she is...but it still hurts like hell doesn't it.

It must be the bond one is supposed to have w/ their mother.... a mother should protect, nurture, comfort and when yours doesn't it goes against nature. No one had ever had the ability to hurt me as much as mine.

I'm sorry that you didn't experience the love every child should have from a mother.


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