Friday, May 26, 2006

Working on healing...

Well I have been busy trying to heal from our latest BFN. It is a different process after you have 'crossed over' from the 'dark side'. You know the one where you think it will never happen, to well it happened once so it should be able to happen again... right?

At least before a successful cycle I knew how I was going to feel, but now I need to find a new healing strategy. I didn't think I would ever be in 'this place', secondary infertility. Before I thought people suffering from secondary infertility were different then the primary infertiles. What right did they have to suffer? They have a baby, they should just be thankful. Well talk about my own thoughts biting me in the arce!

I am there now, I understand now, I have learned my lesson. I found out that secondary infertility can be just as devastating as primary, there is a difference though. That 'dark place' the one where you are afraid you will never have a child is GONE! Other than that it is pretty much as painful.

I thought when I heard I had twins I would be done. I thought that I could move past infertility. I thought how lucky I was that I would never have to go down the infertility road again. It's amazing how things can change. It's amazing how I still have so much to learn about infertility.

sometimes I wonder just how much suffering one person can take. When I was young and going through more than your average troubles, I thought this was all for a reason, it has to get easier right? I kept my eye on the future, the better place, the easier place. Then to my surprise things started getting more painful and more difficult. I tried to keep my head up and push on, there has to be something better, it has to get easier right? Well it didn't get easier again things got more difficult, an unhealthy relationship, then an abusive one... Still I kept pushing on... then I met my husband. Things are going to get better now right... well then came the worst pain... almost 11 years of infertility, ovarian cancer and other stuff. I wondered just how much more I could bear. Why do I need to suffer so much, am I that deserving of pain? Then finally the successful cycle! Finally the 'before' didn't matter as much anymore, the holly grail had been found. So there is hope... now I just have to figure out how to put the 'before' behind me, lock it away in a safe place and heal.

So what am I doing to heal? I am trying to keep very busy, yet take small moments to acknowledge my pain. I am thankful that I will never have to be in the 'dark place' ever again.

So what's next? Possibly another fresh cycle (given that I am even thinking about this must mean that I really do want another child). I am worried that it may never work again given our lousy track record. I am worried about the money that we just don't have.

I have been busy trying to come up with some way to remember our lost embryo's so I have been spending time coming up with this. It has also been very healing for me... Click any of the pictures to see a bigger image

Bracelet #1
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This is my memory bracelet. I wanted something that wouldn't be obvious but that has meaning to me. I spent a lot of time thinking about this and it took quite a while to find exactly what I was looking for.

The pink and blue beads are in memory of the boys/girls that I never knew. The white beads represent healing. The 2 silver hearts signify myself and my spouse, our hearts will never forget our lost ones. The angle is for protection of my lost ones and the green beads are in honour of my lost embryo's. The two silver beads on the ends are holding everything together, and holding all of our hearts together.

The meaning of the colours
Blue signifies peace and tranquility
Pink signifies healing and emotional love
White is for healing and peace
Silver is for purity
The green is meant to have no meaning as it is in memory only of my lost ones.

Bracelet #2
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This bracelet is for fertility and luck with IF treatments

The green beads signify fertility and luck. The white beads are there for peace during a difficult time. The blue and the pink beads signify the children I hope to have. The hearts are for the love that my spouse and I have for a child that we are waiting for. The angel is there to watch over us during our journey and the silver beads at the ends are what holds us all together.

The meaning of the colours
Blue signifies peace and tranquility
Pink signifies healing and emotional love
White is for peace
Gray is for balance
Green signifies fertility and luck.

I am thinking of s.elling these to support my next cycle. Each one would be hand made just for you and I was thinking of $20 for the first one and $15 for any additional... shipping included. Let me know what you think... email me if you are interested.

I also have some other memory bracelet ideas
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for the loss of a boy

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for the loss of a girl

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for lost of an unknown baby

IVF Thoughts - on the waiting list again
I still really want another child so now it's time to try to find the means to do so.

Quote of the day
Always behave like a duck - keep calm and unruffled on the surface but paddle like the devil underneath.
-Jacob Braude


At 3:01 p.m., May 26, 2006, Blogger Dream Mommy said...

Very nice bracelets. Great idea to fund the next cycle.

I hope the pain eases a little each day. Sending hugs your way.

At 3:21 p.m., May 26, 2006, Blogger Pixxiee said...

I love the bracelets - what a cool idea.

You know...I don't think life does get easier, but sometimes that makes us who we are. I am not quite as naive to say "embrace our challenges and pain" but you are the woman you are because of them.

Hugs to you

At 4:54 p.m., May 26, 2006, Blogger Lisa said...

Your bracelets are lovely and such a good idea.

I hope things are getting a little easier for you as you heal. I'm thinking about you.

At 5:35 p.m., May 26, 2006, Blogger Maya said...

Great idea. They are beautiful. It is very nice to have something to honor our losses.

At 6:06 p.m., May 26, 2006, Blogger Sarah said...

The bracelets are a great idea. I couldn't decide which one I like better.

I ask myself all the time why it doesn't get easier. It just isn't fair. I hope with all my heart that things get easier for you somehow and that you are able to find some peace.

Take care.

At 6:54 p.m., May 26, 2006, Blogger Barely Sane said...

Love the bracelets - great idea!

Why doesn't life get easier - damn good question! I'll need to think about that one.

At 8:38 p.m., May 26, 2006, Blogger Alli said...

I love the quote. Such great words to live by.

The bracelets are a great idea - I really wish you good luck on everything. You deserve another chance.

At 8:52 p.m., May 26, 2006, Blogger me and m said...

Thanks for leaving a comment on my blog...I have now added you to my "I'm addicted to and read frequently" list!

I'm so sorry that you're now fighting with secondary infertility, as if the first time wasn't hard enough! I hope things pan out quickly for you on this 'second run'.

I love the bracelets. They're really beautiful.
Where in Canada do you live? I'm in Vancouver.

At 9:15 p.m., May 26, 2006, Blogger Flygirl said...

I don't doubt secondary infertility is painful. I have often thought that if I can just get through primary, I don't think that I'll ever be able to put myself through it again.

I would never say never but I just don't know if I would have it in me.

The blame. The questions of worthiness. It's so painful.

big hugs to you Soralis. Your strength and spirit are admirable.

At 9:31 p.m., May 26, 2006, Blogger DD said...

I've gained something from SIF as well: I see X in a completely different light - a miracle that I will never, ever take for granted again.

At 7:12 a.m., May 27, 2006, Blogger chris said...

What a great idea.

Take care.

At 10:49 a.m., May 27, 2006, Anonymous amy said...

Seriously, you are one of the bravest people I know. My love to you as you heal and continue your journey.

At 9:12 a.m., May 28, 2006, Blogger TiggleBitties said...

Loving the bracelets, I'll be ordering one soon - trying to figure what to have on it.

As far as your depair...Hang in there hun. You deserve and will get another chance. I will keep you in my prayers. Hugssssss

At 11:33 a.m., May 28, 2006, Blogger UtRus said...

the bracelets are a good idea. :) Soralis, you have been through so much. as i always say, i learn from reading you, so keep posting. ever think of writing a book about secondary infertility? hugs

At 1:40 a.m., May 29, 2006, Anonymous Meri-ann said...

I love the bracelets, they are such a poignant way to remember. For both of my losses I have had a tattoo done, and also got a gorgeous little charm with my babies' initials engraved on them so they are always close- it give me comfort knowing that I am wearing them close to me.

At 8:23 a.m., May 29, 2006, Blogger Kellie said...

I'm sorry that you got the BFN. I'm way behind on reading.

Love the bracelets. That is a great idea.

Wishing you strength and peace in your journey. I'm not sure what we'll do. Going through primary IV is hard, going through secondary has to be just as hard.


At 8:24 a.m., May 29, 2006, Blogger Angie said...

Beautiful bracelets! BIG HUGS your way!

At 9:21 a.m., May 29, 2006, Blogger Demeter said...

Soralis: I knew you would find something to get you going. I love your bracelets, they are so full of meaning. You are an example of hope, and strenght and I think you will be successful. Great attitide!
Secondary infertility might be even more painful than primary. The pain is still there, but it brings back old fears that you thought you conquered. I wish you luck!

At 9:33 a.m., May 29, 2006, Blogger Beth said...

I really love the bracelets. I must be very honest and say that your post further opened my eyes (and even though I already knew this) that infertility is infertility no matter how you slice and dice it. Hoping your pain eases with each passing day.

At 12:22 p.m., May 29, 2006, Blogger sube said...

I hope making the bracelets brings you some peace. Take care.


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