Working on healing...

Well I have been busy trying to heal from our latest BFN. It is a different process after you have 'crossed over' from the 'dark side'. You know the one where you think it will never happen, to well it happened once so it should be able to happen again... right?

At least before a successful cycle I knew how I was going to feel, but now I need to find a new healing strategy. I didn't think I would ever be in 'this place', secondary infertility. Before I thought people suffering from secondary infertility were different then the primary infertiles. What right did they have to suffer? They have a baby, they should just be thankful. Well talk about my own thoughts biting me in the arce!

I am there now, I understand now, I have learned my lesson. I found out that secondary infertility can be just as devastating as primary, there is a difference though. That 'dark place' the one where you are afraid you will never have a child is GONE! Other than that it is pretty much as painful.

I thought when I heard I had twins I would be done. I thought that I could move past infertility. I thought how lucky I was that I would never have to go down the infertility road again. It's amazing how things can change. It's amazing how I still have so much to learn about infertility.

sometimes I wonder just how much suffering one person can take. When I was young and going through more than your average troubles, I thought this was all for a reason, it has to get easier right? I kept my eye on the future, the better place, the easier place. Then to my surprise things started getting more painful and more difficult. I tried to keep my head up and push on, there has to be something better, it has to get easier right? Well it didn't get easier again things got more difficult, an unhealthy relationship, then an abusive one... Still I kept pushing on... then I met my husband. Things are going to get better now right... well then came the worst pain... almost 11 years of infertility, ovarian cancer and other stuff. I wondered just how much more I could bear. Why do I need to suffer so much, am I that deserving of pain? Then finally the successful cycle! Finally the 'before' didn't matter as much anymore, the holly grail had been found. So there is hope... now I just have to figure out how to put the 'before' behind me, lock it away in a safe place and heal.

So what am I doing to heal? I am trying to keep very busy, yet take small moments to acknowledge my pain. I am thankful that I will never have to be in the 'dark place' ever again.

So what's next? Possibly another fresh cycle (given that I am even thinking about this must mean that I really do want another child). I am worried that it may never work again given our lousy track record. I am worried about the money that we just don't have.

I have been busy trying to come up with some way to remember our lost embryo's so I have been spending time coming up with this. It has also been very healing for me... Click any of the pictures to see a bigger image

Bracelet #1

This is my memory bracelet. I wanted something that wouldn't be obvious but that has meaning to me. I spent a lot of time thinking about this and it took quite a while to find exactly what I was looking for.

The pink and blue beads are in memory of the boys/girls that I never knew. The white beads represent healing. The 2 silver hearts signify myself and my spouse, our hearts will never forget our lost ones. The angle is for protection of my lost ones and the green beads are in honour of my lost embryo's. The two silver beads on the ends are holding everything together, and holding all of our hearts together.

The meaning of the colours
Blue signifies peace and tranquility
Pink signifies healing and emotional love
White is for healing and peace
Silver is for purity
The green is meant to have no meaning as it is in memory only of my lost ones.


Bracelet #2

This bracelet is for fertility and luck with IF treatments

The green beads signify fertility and luck. The white beads are there for peace during a difficult time. The blue and the pink beads signify the children I hope to have. The hearts are for the love that my spouse and I have for a child that we are waiting for. The angel is there to watch over us during our journey and the silver beads at the ends are what holds us all together.

The meaning of the colours
Blue signifies peace and tranquility
Pink signifies healing and emotional love
White is for peace
Gray is for balance
Green signifies fertility and luck.

I am thinking of s.elling these to support my next cycle. Each one would be hand made just for you and I was thinking of $20 for the first one and $15 for any additional... shipping included. Let me know what you think... email me if you are interested.

I also have some other memory bracelet ideas

for the loss of a boy


for the loss of a girl


for lost of an unknown baby

IVF Thoughts - on the waiting list again
I still really want another child so now it's time to try to find the means to do so.

Quote of the day
Always behave like a duck - keep calm and unruffled on the surface but paddle like the devil underneath.
-Jacob Braude