Friday, May 05, 2006

I wish I wasn't me today... but I guess it could be worse there could be NOTHING

Ok so here is my massive brain unload for today!

I am sitting in the back of the truck driving home from our transfer writing this. Was it a good day NO, could it have been worse YES, but not much!

So we drove down to our clinic (4hours) last night. We get to our hotel to find out that booking on the internet is NOT a good idea. I booked a non smoking room but apparently, all that was left was smoking so 'it' (nasty computer) booked us in a smoking room. Now if you don't mind smoke or are a smoker it wouldn't have been such a bad thing but for me it was like the beginning of a two day nightmare, that is going to turn into a 4 day night mare which I assume will turn into 2 weeks of hell followed by the nasty pregnancy test, which of course will be fine if it's positive.

So anyway the room was kind of stinky and making me a little bit sick (we both ended up waking up all stuffy, I think we are both allergic to smoke). We went out an bought a candle, plug in air freshener and one of those concentrated glade sprays (guess we should have gone for the frebreeze instead! LOL. The concentrated stuff stunk! The candle didn't do anything and the plug in air freshener wasn't strong enough. (Gee maybe that's why I was sick in the morning? Ya think!! :) ) Did I mention that they also had wireless internet, I was excited, I wouldn't have to go one whole night without the internet. Good luck with that, no wireless signal in our room, maybe it was all the smelly stuff interfering with the connection! :)

Well anyway we got up in the morning and I was worried that we would get a call that none of our embies had made it through the thaw process, but that wasn't going to happen to us out of the previous 8 that were thawed 7 of them were just fine!

Well frinckin hell we get there to find out we will only be transferring one embie instead of 2. (I have pretty much lost all hope on twins now, and talk about the brain going into overload!!!) So much for their 85% thaw success rate (I hate freaking stats!) only one of four embies made it, hmm that's only 25% success in my math world. So the poor nurse is doing her schpeel and all of a sudden she sneaks in we will be transferring one today. I am thinking wtf they were supposed to transfer 2. I was trying to process what was going on only to find out they thawed all of our embies to get 1 freaking good one. Needless to say she lost me at that point, I didn't give a crap as to what she had to say (and given that this is my 4th transfer I don't think there was any rocket science that I needed to know). I totally lost it, the tears were a coming. All through this cycle I kept thinking that there should be a couple left over 'just in case'. I guess not. Well we had one blast left so they recommended we transfer that one too. So now we are on our way home only to return on Sunday. So we already lied to crazy lady as to why were in Calgary so now what the hell do I do. It will be a lot of extra craziness that I don't think I really need right now to bring the boys, but I guess it's probably what I will do. Either that or make up another lie to tell my mom so she can come over and take care of the boys again. I hate freakin Infertility.

Oh yes and of course there was our chat with the embryologist today. That was freaking wonderful! OK maybe not. She is a very nice lady we had her for our successful transfer but today I just wanted to plug her. She was trying to make me feel better about our lone embie but everything she said just made me more annoyed. She pointed out that we were lucky to have even one success (ya no shit!) then she pointed out what a lovely embie we have (ya we had 8 lovely embies before and only 2 stuck around... so ya I know just cause they are pretty it doesn't mean they are going to stick! I am not new to this crap I know better now!) Uuug it is pretty bad when someone is trying to be nice that it doesn't help.

So ya today could have been worse, no embies. (I still feel like I lost 3 babies today) But I still feel like crap, I still am crying and I still want to hit the dude that invented IF :).

So now we drive all the way home so we can drive all the way back on Sunday. Good thing we have a diesel with today's gas prices! And after Sunday, good or bad result we are done with IVF so it's time to find something else to obsess about (watch out boys here comes mom!)

It's funny last night I just had a bad feeling about today... maybe it is a good thing that we are coming back on Sunday. I just have to pray that our little blast makes it through the thaw process! (Bonus they just called, usually there is an extra charge for the blast thaw but they are waving the fee... things are looking up!)

I have to end on a good note (even though the tears are welling up). That little blast that hopefully makes it home to mom (please god please) is the little one that has kept me hopeful through this whole journey. It was the one that let me know that we could make it past the embie stage and when BFN's came and went all I could think about is we still have that little blast and it IS going to stick cause it's got the genetic makeup to continue on!!

So what did I learn today:
1) IVF and Infertility still sucks
2) Don't assume 4 embies and 1 blast is enough for 2 transfers
3) Be prepared for anything when it comes to a thaw cycle
4) IVF still sucks (Oh ya I said that already!)
5) My hubby is great and supportive I will definitely keep him
6) My clinic is great and caring (ya we will see how happy I will be if we get a BFN!! LOL!
7) My PG test is on a Saturday... that sucks! One day before our anniversary!
8) Infertility sucks (did ya get that one yet?? :))
9) 2 trips to our clinic in 2 days is not fun
10) As of Sunday we will be done with IVF for good (unless a) we win the lottery.. ok we are done with IVF or b) someone gives us the money for a fresh cycle... ya we are done).

I just hope this works!


At 7:09 p.m., May 05, 2006, Blogger Angie said...

I am hoping for you. Grow, grow, grow!!

At 8:25 p.m., May 05, 2006, Blogger Alli said...

Wanted you to know you are in my prayers! All positive thoughts and prayers towards you and your family for a success this time.

You referring to your mom as "crazy lady" has kept me cracking up the last couple of days. Don't we all have a "CL" in our life!

. . . and lastly . . . Thank you for sharing this experience. It can't be easy, but is appreciated.

At 9:30 p.m., May 05, 2006, Blogger the_road_less_travelled said...

Sometimes things that start out crappy end up being great. I hope this is the case for you and you get your BFP.

At 9:50 p.m., May 05, 2006, Blogger Beth said...

I am so sorry about the way the thaw went down - that just sucks donkey nuts.

Hoping for you, dear Soralis.

At 6:53 a.m., May 06, 2006, Blogger Courtney said...

*sticky thoughts* I am thinking and praying for you constantly. May your little one borrow and hold on tight!


At 10:47 a.m., May 06, 2006, Blogger Rumour Miller said...

I did not make it to the IVF stop on the infertility train so I can't imagine what you are going through but I do know the ache in you heart for a baby. That I can imagine.

I will send some prayers out for you and your DH and hope that the answer comes back YES YES YES.

When the world says, "give up."
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."

At 11:13 a.m., May 06, 2006, Blogger Sarah said...

I am so sorry to hear that thing didn't go well for you today. All my thoughts are with you Soralis!!!

At 12:21 p.m., May 06, 2006, Blogger Flygirl said...

Holy crap. What a runaround. I'm hoping, praying and crossing everything but my legs (tee hee) for you with this transfer.

At 2:23 p.m., May 06, 2006, Blogger Mary Ellen and Steve said...

I am sorry that the thaw didn't go so well. I hope that your little blast pulls through and you get your bfp at the end of all this. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs to you!

At 9:01 p.m., May 06, 2006, Blogger Sunnie said...

Our PG test will be on or anniversary....ugh!

At 10:43 p.m., May 06, 2006, Blogger Dream Mommy said...

I'm so sorry you lost 3 of them. I'm praying the other one makes it.

At 7:39 a.m., May 07, 2006, Blogger Kimmer said...

I'm so sorry about the thaw. I had a similar experience with a Lone Ranger Transfer, it's such a big let down. Good luck to you. Thinking of you!

At 1:19 p.m., May 07, 2006, Anonymous amanda said...

Yep, IVF sure does suck. I'm so sorry about the disappointing thaw, but I'm really hoping this cycle works for you.

At 2:32 p.m., May 07, 2006, Blogger N said...

Thawing result not the best in the world, but if you got the one super strong embryo that survived not only IVF but also freexing and thawing, I suppose we are talking "Super Embroy" here and maybe that one is THE one.

I am definitely hoping for that and will keep my fingers crossed that I am right in the end!

Hope the trip wasn't that bad today?

Thinking of you! Loads of hugs!

At 6:29 p.m., May 07, 2006, Blogger Samantha said...

God bless you! I hope it happens for you. I agree - it sucks! And I haven't been through half of what you've been through. Takes a strong person.

Also, in response to your post to me - I have to say that the attendance on the second night of opening weekend (for MI3) was pretty slim! We came late and had no problem finding a seat! Ha!

At 6:41 a.m., May 08, 2006, Blogger JEN said...

You know I understand! It's just awful how IF takes over all. It's rotten, crappy and it sucks. That is until it works..... So, I'm thinking positive thoughts for you and your one little one. I hope it sticks around for the next 9 months. Keep some hope for this cycle. Don't give up yet!

At 8:03 a.m., May 08, 2006, Blogger Beagle said...

I hope this works too!

I am also hoping that a crappy start leads to a happy ending!

Good Luck!


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