Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Today is another day... and the sun is out!

Well as some of you know I was really enjoying the snow when we finally got some this year. Now it is all gone and the weather is getting nicer and soon the yucky brown of early spring will turn to green and a new season will begin. Hopefully as the flowers bloom many of us who so want to be PG will be starting a new phase in our lives too.

It has been nice to be able to get out for a walk and enjoy a nice warm day. It recharges the spirit to see the sun shining and the birds chirping. If nothing else going through IVF has really taught me to listen and enjoy the good things as they are the things that will help you get through the rough times.

Speaking of IVF and Infertility, wow I am humbled by the kind words of all my 'blog' friends. I thank you for your support and hope that I am able to do the same. This community truly is amazing. You gals are amazing too!!! After so many years of IF and a few years of IVF and some failures I hope that it helps me to say the 'right' things instead of the 'wrong' ones. Sometimes it is so hard to make sure that what you are typing will get across the way you want it to and hope that you aren't saying/typing something incredibly stupid. So if I ever do something stupid please forgive me! :)

I am really quite touched by the support I have received so far. Way back when we were first starting with IVF I just didn't understand how I could ever feel sorry for someone with secondary infertility... They have a kid already what's their problem? How could find a way to feel bad for them when I had been trying for so long and never been PG. (Now I understand secondary infertility, which is good. Now I feel guilt for feeling that way, but I guess after 10 years of IF I needed to work through those feelings too!) What I am trying to say is thanks for stopping by! So many of you are still waiting for #1 and yet you take the time to listen to me ramble on about my problems. I appreciate it and you are better people than I ever was back when...

FET Thoughts
Still plugging away and waiting for my U/S on May 1st. I am anxious, nervous, & excited... but most of you already know what that is about. I wonder every day if it is possible for me to ever be PG again.

Quote of the Day
A little child enters your life and fills a special place in your heart. A place you never even knew was empty! "
- Author: Unknown

(Not hard to tell this Author never went through IF! We all know about 'empty' Mr. or Mrs Unknown... and boy do we know about empty. So why did I post this?? I don't have a freakin clue? I liked the first sentence but the rest sucked!)

Warning Kids discussed
One of the last comments on my blogs was commenting on how I consider myself lucky to have my boys so I figured I would get into that a little more. I could say I am blessed to have my boys but I am no more deserving of this precious gift over anyone else so I figure blessed just isn't the right word. After our failed attempts at IVF and so many years before trying I just figured that lucky about covered. I have never ever had any luck at anything so if ever I needed luck this seems to me a good time to have some! I know I am lucky as there are many just as deserving gals out there who have ended their IVF journeys without success... I was the lucky one.

I am lucky to have gotten PG once after 3 rounds of IVF and hope to do it again (but only one round this time please)
I am extremely lucky to have had 2 healthy boys. I didn't even realize it until lately that I actually achieved one of my dreams (sometimes I am a little slow)
I am lucky to be able to spend each day with my boys
I am lucky to hear them cry as I know that means they need me
I am lucky to change their diapers (even the stinky ones), without diapers there would be no boys
I am lucky to have been able to breast feed them for a while as not everyone can
I am lucky to be able to feed them as for now they actually need me
I am lucky to be able to put them to bed at night even if they protest as it means I get to wake up in the morning to their beautiful little smiles
I am lucky to have them smile at me as they are really my boys
I am lucky the are here after I finally thought we would never have children of our own to love
I am lucky that they are healthy as there are many children out there who are not
I am lucky to have the cutest babies on the block (ok so they are the only ones :))
I am lucky to have two amazing little beings to love as there are so many out there that don't have any amazing little beings to love... yet

When they smile, I melt. When they cry I hope I can sooth them. When they laugh I laugh with them. When they sleep I stare at them in amazement. When they learn something new I cheer for them. When they are frustrated I try to help them a bit... and this is why I want at least one more because they are truly amazing, wonderful and have made me the happiest I have ever been.

Yes I am actually happy and this is a much better way to be going through IVF then before. Yes I am lucky and I hope to be lucky just one more time.


At 12:14 a.m., April 20, 2006, Blogger Maya said...

Loss is loss. Even though you may have won in the past and have a few awards. This is a new round. Your pain still exists that you cannot conceive at this point in your life and because of that we all have a bond. We all must support each other and when we do we all benefit

At 9:13 a.m., April 20, 2006, Blogger Flygirl said...

You know what? I think that you are just the cat's meow. I love reading you.

hugs to you

At 10:05 a.m., April 20, 2006, Blogger Demeter said...

Hi compatriot. Your post was truly warm. I feel for you. No one deserves the pains and suffering of primary or secondary infertility, or any kind of infertility at any time in their life. The desire to have children is deeply seeded in our need to transcend as human beings. Why stop at one? Just because you are blessed with two, that doesn't mean that the desire to have more and not being able to is a lesser desire or less painful. Your pain now is as painful if not more as it was before. I completely understand you. the mourning of a child we cannot have no matter when, no matter how, is mourning. Period.

At 12:22 p.m., April 20, 2006, Blogger Mary Ellen and Steve said...

Infertility is infertility. It hurts no matter what. I feel for anyone who is going through this, and I hope that you are successful this time around. Good luck with everything! Hugs!

At 5:14 p.m., April 20, 2006, Blogger Samantha said...

Hi. I just started blogging and found you. I know it hurts. I hate IF. I went through it for many years - still going through it. I kinda gave up for the time being. We had 2 years of treatments. Ugh. Hated every minute of it. Well, I'm thinking of posting things on my blog soon re: IF so stay tuned. Visit me! And baby dust to you!

At 9:05 p.m., April 20, 2006, Blogger Sarah said...

Infertility, whether primary or secondary, is heartbreaking. Best wishes for lots of success this time around!

At 6:39 a.m., April 21, 2006, Blogger Dream Mommy said...

I used to feel that way about secondary infertility too. Now I know better. It hurts not being able to get pregnant, even if you have other children(not that I've been there yet).

We are all struggling for the same goal, to get pregnant.

At 6:51 a.m., April 21, 2006, Blogger One Mother's Journey said...

Your post really summed up exactly what I've been feeling. Infertility, at any stage of the game - sucks. What *should* be a normal biological desire and function should not be this hard to achieve.

I hope this cycle works for you. I've got everything that's physically possible to cross -crossed.

At 7:52 a.m., April 21, 2006, Blogger Heather said...

Really great post, very thought provoking.

I guess I've never tried to see it from a secondary infertility sufferer perspective.

Although you have one child, you still ache for another. Not being able to concieve is a heartache. One that doesn't go away if you are still trying to expand your family.

Your post was a real eye opener, thank you.

At 1:22 p.m., April 21, 2006, Anonymous Lori said...

IF is a painful journey no matter which round you're on.
I'm glad the weather has been nice. I agree, there's something that recharges the spirit. I was a little glad to be going through our IVF cycle during the spring where I could at least take heart in the early blooms of spring when I was feeling discourage.

At 8:28 p.m., April 21, 2006, Blogger the waiting line said...

lovely post. even while experiencing IF, I still feel lucky for many things. I guess there are things about life that IF "awakens" you to - and one of those things is realizing how lucky you are for what you have. "it's not having what you want, it's wanting what you've got." . . . man, I can't believe I just quoted Sheryl Crow!

Cheers Soralis!


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