Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Thoughts all over the place...

Well another long weekend is shot to hell... I can't believe how little I got done, oh well I guess it will always be there tomorrow.

So I have been trying to catch up with some of the blogs I read and I have added a few more. As I read the blogs of the gals trying for their first child I remember how difficult holidays can be and how insensitive some family members can be. It is so true we can't pick our family, I don't know about you but why does it seem we have to put up with their crap? If it was a friend we most certainly would not or they wouldn't be a friend anymore (at least in my world). I am so sick to death of my mother and her, "well it's family". It's like if you are family you can do what ever you want to anyone in the family and it's ok. arrg! Ok so that was a minor sidetrack. What I was actually wanting to say is that once again you guys have reminded my how lucky I am to be working on my second try at IVF. The world is truly a more difficult place before a successful cycle, at least it was for me.

I am generally an emotional person and it really bothers me that there are so many people still out there suffering so greatly. We should not have to go through so much to reach that Holly Grail, a baby (or two). I just hope that everyone who is suffering reaches there goal and doesn't have to go through to much pain to get there.

More and more I begin to realize if this cycle does not work I will be OK, I wasn't so sure about this before. I still pray every night, not that I think God actually controls who gets PG and who doesn't?? Cause if he did would he grant that 'crack' addict with such a precious gift over someone who has been trying for so many years?? But what the heck do I know, it's not that I go to church or really understand all 'that stuff' but I guess some part of me wants to believe that there is something else out there. I have a plan now if I don't get PG so at least if things don't work out with this cycle I know what I am doing next with my (work) life.

Anyway I hope everyone had a tolerable or good Easter.

FET Thoughts
Started onto my estrace today. I guess I have started the next phase. I can't believe that we are getting so close. I am really not patient this time at all I just want to get on with it. I think that I am really starting to get it through my head that it may not work this time, for a while there I figured why shouldn't it? I know I should just be positive about this thing but I find keeping things in focus is really the way I cope. Every night I think maybe it will work, maybe it won't. I guess that's why I am anxious to get on with it so I can just put it behind me no matter what.

Quote of the day
"Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it."
- Goethe

Warning kids discussed
Well we made it through our first Easter. I was so happy to have my boys, they don't really 'get' Easter yet but they will eventually and they are a little to small for chocolate yet. That didn't stop me from Easter baskets though, mom and dad can always eat the Chocolate!

We took the boys out for Breakfast with the rest of the family (Well my aunts family because I am an only child). Then we spent the day at my aunts. The boys were amazing, I was so proud to be their mom. I think we are very lucky as they are usually very well behaved when we go out. (That may change when they get older so I am enjoying it now.) They even napped in a strange house and both in one playpen. They just barely fit both in there so I wasn't sure how that was going to go. All was well until my rotten cousins sent their kid over to get their freakin dog. It is an old grumpy dog so I really wasn't comfortable with the kids around it. I decided to say something, I was nice about it but I said I just wasn't comfortable with the boys on the floor with the angry dog around (and it was crapping on the floor to because it was sick... who brings a sick dog to someone else's house to crap on the floor? I used to like dogs but I am not so sure about some dog people these days). Anyway my mom was mad I said something, tough sh*t! They are my darn kids and it took us 11 years to 'get them' and 3 rounds of IVF so if you don't like it you can stick it in YOUR FREAKIN EAR!

The boys aren't quite as happy the last couple of days as they really like having all the people around, it will take them a few days to get used to hanging out with just boring old mom! LOL!

It is nice to just enjoy them without having to worry about never ever having a child, I sure don't miss those days, but I think it has made me a better parent as I appreciate them so much.

Take care and have a good day


At 9:29 a.m., April 18, 2006, Blogger Flygirl said...

Thank you Soralis! You put my thoughts on prayer and God into words.

When people tell me to put it in God's hands I don't know whether to be comforted or not. I feel like saying "So God doesn't want me to have a baby then? He'd prefer to bless crackheads and let's not forget about the wretches that kill or abuse their kids."

But I still pray.

At 10:47 a.m., April 18, 2006, Blogger Maya said...

Through your thoughts all over the place, it's sounds to me like you actually have a lot of clarity about your boundaries, your goals, and God. It all makes sense to me and you sound like a wonderful parent.

At 12:05 p.m., April 18, 2006, Blogger Dream Mommy said...

I volunteered with a teenage religious education group at my church and we did a talk on unaswered prayers. I know this explanation probably won't make any of us feel better now, but here's what was discussed.

God has a plan for everyone and that plan is to get you to heaven. Sometimes he lets bad things happen because of some of the good things that will result from it. Ex: a teenager killed in a car wreck brings everyone back to God.

It still sucks though, because I think I know what's better for me than He does. Maybe he "blesses" crackheads to make babies for adoption. Maybe He hasn't given me children because He has one already on the Earth who needs a loving family.

It's so hard to just let it all go sometimes though. Sorry for rambling.

At 2:34 p.m., April 18, 2006, Blogger Beagle said...

Thank you for your comment and encouragement on my blog.

I wish you all the best with your cycle as well.

Great post on family and God and life in general!

At 7:22 p.m., April 18, 2006, Blogger Sunnie said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog. I hope you are able to sort out those thought about God and you can find peace....it's alright to have thoughts all over the place. I have them too. :)

At 7:51 p.m., April 18, 2006, Blogger Mary Ellen and Steve said...

Thanks for checking out my blog and leaving such a nice comment.

I hope that this cycle works for you. Good luck!!

At 4:27 a.m., April 19, 2006, Anonymous amy said...

I wanted to stop by and thank you for all of your support and encouragement on my blog. It means so much. I will be hoping that this cycle works for you.

As for the dog thing, I can totally understand. We had two dogs, both old and one grumpy. I didn't trust our oldest grumpiest dog around my kiddo, and was right to do so as she snapped at him. This was a dog I loved with the fire of a thousand suns and I didn't want her near my baby. So, I completely understand your feelings.

At 10:52 a.m., April 19, 2006, Blogger Angie said...

Thanks for checking out my blog! I wish you the best! Stop back again.

At 10:52 a.m., April 19, 2006, Blogger Heather said...

Thank you for your great comment on my blog.
Also, thanks for remembering what it's like for those of us who haven't succeeded in our quest for baby yet. That means more than any ass-vice that a lot of people offer.

At 3:30 p.m., April 19, 2006, Blogger Barely Sane said...

You know.... it's nice to see someone who appreciates their babies so much. I'm glad you have a plan 'just in case'. And it always makes me smile to see you say how lucky you are to have the boys.

As for ur mom, want me punch her? Cuz I wouldn't mind if you took aim at my sister. Darn family & their insane liberties eh?

At 9:25 p.m., April 19, 2006, Blogger Just another Jenny said...

I agree about the god thing. I was even thinking that if it works I need to thank god but why, is it his fault if it doesn't work? I think I just need to put my faith in the lab techs for now.

Easter was crap. I like your opinion on "it's family". I am not looking forward to mothers day, unless I am hiding a special secret, then I can probably handle it.


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