I am a Bad Blogger!

I can't believe how long it has been since I have posted. Bad Bad Blogger!

I think I have a little to much on my plate these days! But there is hope for me as I am here right now!

Life with three kids keeps me busy and I am even losing some weight as I rarely get to sit down (which is just fine with me!)

Most days are wonderful and a few are trying... I spend a lot of time thinking, they won't be 2 for much longer! :)

I have decided that I don't like whining much! :)

So much to tell those of you who are still keeping up with me... My baby is going to be 1 on Saturday. It has gone by WAY to fast.

It is way past my bed time and I am taking the three to get their pictures done tomorrow (by myself, this should be interesting... We have issues with strangers with 2 of 3! I hope the photographer likes some screaming! :)) anyway off to bed I go, more updates later!

Hope everyone is doing well

Surviving...

Once again I have been a bad blogger... abandoning my blog once again!

I have been thinking about blogging for a while and am trying to figure out what I am going to do. I have decided to stay around and document my life as it is today, from surviving infertility, dealing with Post Partum Depression (PPD), to making it through a day with 2 naughty 2 year olds and a baby!

I haven't been around much as my PPD meds just aren't doing the trick and in addition to that we are dealing with the possibility of a legal issue regarding the purchase of our house. I will have to write an entire post about that!

I am struggling these days so I am just trying to take it one day at a time. The little miss is now 8 months old and still isn't sleeping through the night. I was so spoiled with the boys as they were sleeping through at 4 months.

I feel like I am doing such a poor job with the kids right now. Sometimes I am wondering if this is the reason I was suffering from infertility? I feel guilty on the bad days when I sometimes yell at them for misbehaving, I feel guilty as I don't get them out that much, I feel guilty because I don't have enough time to spend with each of them. I feel guilty because I want a break every now and again.

TODAY WAS...
Today was a difficult day. The older twin (T1)was wanting everything his brother had, when he couldn't get it a temper tantrum was inevitable. It was a constant fight today, with many trips to the crib for some 'personal time'. I was exhausted after being up for a few hours with the little missy last night. T2 was in a good mood until lunch, then he decided to join in the screaming game. By the time nap time arrived at 2pm I was all-in. I didn't get the dishes done and I had to lay down for a nap. It's not helping my weight it seems like whenever the screaming starts I am looking for comfort food, this is something I need to stop TODAY.

The little Missy, other than the night wakings, has been a great girl. She still loves to be held all the time, and she never sits still, ever. I am not complaining that she likes mom still, as she is growing up way to fast. I dread her first birthday because that means she is that much closer to 2. She hasn't been an easy baby but I still find her less than 1/2 the work of the boys at this age. She is busy discovering everything and has started the drop game. She has nasty diaper rash that I have been trying to get rid of. I feel so bad for her, but she is truly a trooper. She has a goofy little smile with her two little teeth, I love her to bits.

As for me it was a tough day. To top it off my husband is not so supportive of the PPD issues I am having. When I laid down today I didn't get the dishes done. He was annoyed at supper so he HAD to do them before supper as he wanted certain plates for the boys for supper. He was with the boys for 2 hours and the minute they started to whine he looses it. T1 spilled juice and he was mad at him, poor T1 was crying he was so upset. My husband needs to learn that the kids are just learning and stuff will get spilled. My hubby and I have been at odds these days over discipline, he definitely is of the old school of thought there. I am pretty much not knowing what to do these days in the discipline department.

It would have been so much better to spend time learning about parenting instead of IF issues the last 10 years before T1 and T2 , it sure would have come in handy now!

Next post... possible legal issues

Happy Halloween...

I love Halloween, the cute little kids all dressed up and handing out candy. (Not really into the creepy part but the decorations and kids are all good!) Before we were lucky enough to have success with IVF I found it hard but loved it all the same.

I tried to make arrangements to have my Dad come over and hand out Candy so I could take the kids out with my hubby. I hate leaving the house and not giving candy to the costumed ones. Anyway Grandma and Grandpa were too busy. So I took the boys out to a neighbours house, then my husband and I loaded up the stroller and went to some friends houses. (Still feeling guilty about one of us not being home, but that was our only choice. Originally I was going to drive over to Grandma and Grandpa's neighbourhood as there was some folks I wanted to go to there, but since they were busy I figured I would just do the walk around the neighbourhood instead of going for a drive.) The boys seemed to have fun, the girl slept. They were fascinated by their 'loot'! Inspecting it all, and one of them was trying to figure out how to open stuff. The boys were 2 bees. I thought they were pretty cute! (But I'm the mom so I am supposed to think that! LOL).

Anyway we had fun. I thought Grandma and Grandpa would stop by (they come over every year at Halloween). But no! I guess the Missy's first Halloween wasn't important to them (or thanksgiving). I wonder if Christmas is on their list?

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We take possession of the new house tomorrow. I am somewhat nervous, but it's all going to be OK! Right? My parents who offered to help decided to pull down their fence last weekend so now they are busy. I am done with that woman. I feel as though I don't rate, and now I feel like my kids don't either. I wouldn't really care if they were busy, but my entire life she has gone out of the way for everyone else on a regular basis. I guess I am not entitled to any help from them, actually all I really wanted was to have her spend time with the boys so I could get some stuff done. I thought she would like to be with the kids. I guess I was wrong.

It's one thing for her to be that way with me, but now things have changed. Don't put my kids second to your effing neighbour's kids. I am done with her. I think that there is going to be another discussion this weekend (just what I need) and it won't be nice, nothing is ever nice with her.

Now I must go to bed.

I finally made a Dr's appt for next Tuesday. I am hoping that they can help me with the anxiety attacks that are keeping me up every night now (thanks mom for adding to my stress). I feel lucky that no matter how crappy I am feeling I am still enjoying those precious angels that I am lucky to have. Thank god for the small things. (3 small things :))

Good Night and hope you are all well

A post on trying to heal...

So there was a bit on the radio today about infertility. I decided to listen in. I was surprised at how emotional I became and then I had one of those light bulb moments. (It's amazing how long it takes me to figure out the obvious!)

For a long time I have been beating myself up. Why don't I feel better about all this IF stuff? I have been lucky enough to have 2 successful IVF PG's. All this time I thought having a baby was the cure to infertility. This though process has made it difficult for me to realize that it's ok to still suffer from the pain of IF. Today I learned that a child is the goal but not the cure. A baby does not fix or solve years of suffering through IF, it just stops the thought that you are never going to have a child.

Now I have to give myself permission to enjoy my children and permission to allow myself to recover from all the time I spent in IF h*ll. After 11 years of suffering it's amazing that in my little brain that I would think that now I have had 2 successful PG's that IF is just gone... POOF! (Don't I wish!)

Before I had a successful PG I found the local support group a great place to go and talk. I just wish that they had a support group for those still struggling after success. Maybe I should contact the group and see if they would do a session like this. I am sure I am not the only one out there? Or maybe I am just nuts! :) I do so appreciate the folks in my computer, but I would like it so much more if we could get together every now and again.

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Updates
-on the hubby front not much has changed. I am just to tired to deal with that 'stuff' right now
-moving still sucks and so does the packing, I am sick of feeling anxious about it all the time. I am hoping that I feel better once we are settled.
-I am loosing tonnes of hair and have started gaining some bald spots, yuck. I am getting very worried as I know some hair loss is normal but this is way more than I had with my last PG. It's a good thing I have thick hair as it's so thick in some spots that I can hide the bald spots so far. Yes I need to get to the dr.
-my mother is more evil than ever. She offered to help pack but has only been here a couple of days. She shows up here to be a b*tch and just leaves. All I have asked her for is to just come and play with the kids for a while so I can get some stuff done. I can live with me not being important, but the lack of interest in my kids breaks my heart.
-I am still having trouble with my hormones, I am either on a high or a low. I really need to get to the Dr. The chaos of moving is not helping and the lack of sleep is not helping and the hubbs is not helping and 2 adorable 2 year olds aren't helping.

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The Positives
I am getting stuff packed. My little boys are not so grumpy now that I have adjusted their napping schedule, unfortunately I no longer get my hour in the morning of 'getting stuff done' time. They are busy nattering all day and their hugs are golden.

My Missy... Love her to death! I feel like the boys really lost out as they had to share my time when they were babies. One baby at a time is a dream (minus the colic). I feel so connected to her, in a way I wasn't able to with the boys. I was so worried that I would hold one longer than the other or that one was getting more from me that I think they got less of me due to my worrying. I also found I bonded with one right away and it was hard to get the other one in there too and I was so concerned about it that I think it took longer. Anyway with the Missy it's just so easy, the boys are at a different stage and require other things of me so I can bond with her in a way I couldn't with the boys. I am not sure if this makes sense but one baby is just easier for me.

And I leave you with my nightly routine.

After the Missy is fed. I wrap her up and put her in the play pen, then I go do the things I need to and she heads off into dream land. Then I pick her up and hold her for a while and just look at her little face (and wish she wouldn't grow quite so fast) and just enjoy. Then I put her in the bassinet beside my bed and go to sleep. Now this truly is a dream come true for someone who tried so long to have a baby.... good night

To much...

Well the proverbial sh*t hit the fan around here last night. I finally got through some 'stuff' with my husband that has been brewing for a very long time. I haven't been able to talk to him for so long, he just gets so angry with me whenever I bring anything up so I have been bottling stuff up for so long it just wasn't good. Well it all came out last night. I tried to be the bigger person and not just yell and scream and blame as we all know it takes two. It finally came out that I am only moving to try to make him happy. He was not to happy with this, but I told him I kept trying to talk to him about it and all he did was get mad. How am I supposed to talk to someone who shuts down and gets angry every time I try to bring up the hard stuff.

Since the boys were born we have just gotten farther apart. I really don't know how to fix the damage and he is still so angry with me over some of the things I said, there was more but I just can't get into it now. He needs to accept that I am feeling the way I am because of his actions regardless of how he 'thinks' I should feel.

We have had one or two other 'talks' since the boys were born and it seems that things are good for a little while then it's back to the regular stuff. I want to believe that things will change but it seems that old habits are much easier to fall back on then trying to make things better. I so want to be positive, but I really don't have a lot of hope right now. I pray thing change and that the move ends up being a new beginning for us, but I know marriage is hard and marriage after IF and with kids is even harder. I thought all the crap we went through before the kids and the strength of our marriage back then would be enough to endure anything. He knows I am having a really tough time, yet he is doing nothing to ease the extra stress that I do not need.

I just want us to be happy, we should be, we beat that miserable bastard infertility. We should be so freaking happy that we annoy everyone around us.

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Birthday update - no card, no nice dinner, no gift, no cake, no 'happy birthday', nothing... guess he was to busy.
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Move Update
-still packing, no help so it is getting really old. I can only pack when the kids are all napping at once as the boys are just to busy and into things when I try to do it when they are around. My mother was supposed to come over and help on the weekend but she was to busy (did I mention that when my aunt moved she was over every day and weekend. She even kept dad up on work nights so she could go help. Guess it 'looks' better to help her pack)

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Now I have to end off on a positive note. Little Missy is growing like a weed (which isn't helping my sadness, she is growing way to fast). She has now started staring at her hand. She loves to watch her brothers and she will cry if she can't see them. The boys love to kiss her and make sure that she has a blanket to keep warm. The boys are finally starting to learn some new words, bubble, house, apple, and some form of orange are the newest. One of the boys has to give me a kiss on each cheek before bed. (insert mom going aaaah here). The boys love to colour and I think they are starting to understand about the lines. The cheek kisser even learned to draw circles today.

It's 11:20pm I really need to get to bed, night all

Up and down I go, and I thought I was done with the rollercoaster!

Well finally the rain stopped for a while, to be replaced with a serious high. Well the high is gone and the low is coming back. I just want that peaceful feeling again. The even keel, the slow peaceful days and nights.

I have started packing the house finally and as much as I don't want to move I am trying to accept it. I am looking forward to finally decorating a nursery. I have a plan for Missy's room. I am trying so hard to focus on the positives so I don't go crazy. Unfortunately my brain is going in a million directions so sleep is sometimes hard to find. I am just all over the place these days. I hate this feeling and I know I need to go talk to my Dr. I am sure there is something I can do to even things out. I feel like such a failure for not being able to control the anxiety I am feeling. I am trying so hard so I guess that means there is something else going on. I just don't want my medical records to have something about depression in them, it just makes it real.

Also last week I found a lump on my head behind my ear. I am scared to death, so scared I don't even want to go to the doctor. I just don't have it in me to deal with anything else right now I would rather ignore it but I know I can't... My husband is not being so overly supportive right now so I am struggling. I am going to try to make an appointment with my Dr. this week.

Oh ya and Canadian Thanksgiving is coming up and my parents are going away, guess they aren't that interested in their grand kids. You know how often I have been 'b*chted' at for being at the in-laws for different holidays? I hate that women, she stresses me out to no end.

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Ok this is were I try to be more positive to improve my overall mood and remind myself of how incredibly lucky I am.

Well Missy is now three months and she has grown so very fast. I thought she was much bigger than her brothers at this age but I finally got around to digging out their calendars and low and behold she is actually smaller than both the boys were at three months (well she is taller, but weighs less). I can not believe how much faster the three months has passed with her than it did with the boys. I guess with three kids life just speeds up even more.

Missy is so alert now and smiles more, I think she is almost past her colic stage (thank goodness). She wants to sit up so she can watch those boys run/walk around. She must see all or she cries. Her brothers are still very good with her, kisses and hugs even when not expected. If she is sitting up and falls over a bit the boys make sure Mom 'fixes' her. She is going to be a drool-er I think, right now it's bubbles. The boys are going to drive me crazy... uh oh whenever their sister has bubbles, I must clean them up. If I don't the boys go get one of her cloths and wipe her little mouth. Dad likes to play with her and she responds with smiles (I wish dad would hold her a little more but we are working on that one). I wish I could just slow things down for a while as this is truly my favorite time.

The boys are growing like weeds. To fast for my liking. We have hit the whiny stage which isn't much fun. I am assuming it will get better when they start finding more words. They are bad at making up their own words for things and I try to keep saying the right word but they just aren't interested. The lasted addition to their vocabulary is kitty, more like itty. But it's a start right? They both like to colour and so far there hasn't been any crayon eating. They also like to play outside and run about, must be a boy thing? :) They don't like dirty hands and must have a napkin to wipe up during meals. They have decided that lunch is called 'ham' instead of lunch. I am not sure how that came about. They are great with 'B' words but for some reason they call banana's nannies? It's hard to believe that my husband and I don't talk baby talk the way they carry on! :) They are in the 'helpful' stage these days. Boy do the groceries get unpacked in a hurry, you try and keep up with two little monkey's unpacking bags. One of the boys cries when we are done unpacking though. They also like to help put their clothes away, that usually is interesting but hey maybe they will still like to do that when they are teenagers (ya right!:)). If mom is sad (which I try not to do around them to often) I get hugs and kisses without asking, it always makes me feel better too.

What's new???

Well the sold sign went up on our house Wednesday. I am so very sad but the new house is more family friendly (this house was my I can't get PG so I have pretty things house!) I know it's going to be hard and lots of tears but it will work out.. right? I have never moved from a house I totally loved before the last one I began to hate we did so much work in it. When we moved to this house we thought it would be our last house ever, so it's kind of weird.

But I know I have issues anyway, my last shirt I wore when I was PG is still hanging on the back of my bathroom door. I just can't bear to wash it and put it away. I suppose I will have to take it when we move. I keep trying to take it off the door and throw it in the wash but I just can't seem to do it. It must be the post PG hormones that are making me crazy right now? right? (wrong I truly am nuts! :))

So we go for the inspection on the house we are planning to buy on Friday, wish us luck that all goes well or we will be homeless in December. Trust me you don't want to be homeless this far north in December, especially with young children!

As for the kids. The boys have their own language and love to change it up to drive us crazy, currently the phone and the door are 2 different versions of Buuuhhh. No idea where they came up with that one. They do have a few real words that I love, buuhp-buuuph for backpack-backpack, then there is beebee for baby, and night night. They love to copy each other, it's funny when they both spin around until they fall over, sometimes on top of each other. They are clean freaks, they need a napkin when they are eating so they can constantly clean their faces and anything they spill (they get this from dad). They like to help me 'fold' laundry and put things in the washer. They are very habitual creatures, doors must be shut and lights off when you are not in the room. They hate napping but still need their naps. One of the boys has become a Teddy Bear nut. They are both awesome (so far) with the Missy. They help burp her and they rub her head (they get this from me, I am always rubbing her head and their heads) They are both getting quite the personalities.

And then there is Missy. Sometimes she takes a break from crying and smiles for a little while. She has started with the gooing too, I think she may talk in sentences before the boys! LOL. She is very strong and has amazing head control. She loves to watch her brothers and smiles at them when they get close and come say Hi. She had been sleeping from 11pm to 8am but now she is worse then when we came home, she us up at 3am now. I hope she starts sleeping longer again soon. Breastfeeding isn't going so well right now, I am not sure if I am keeping up. Time will tell I guess. It's hard to believe she is almost 3 months old. I feel like I have missed a whole stage with her compared to the boys, I guess really I have since the boys were 5 weeks early. She is so much bigger and stronger than they were at this age. I hope the colic passes very soon as I hate to see her cry so much her 'tongue-y' smile is so much cuter than her screaming face (although that's kind of cute too). Anyway she is asleep so I better get to bed and catch a few winks as soon as I can.

I am finally over that miserable cold, it lasted about 6 weeks, we were all over it but now my hubby is sick again. I am praying we all skip it this time around.

As my oldest says - Night night