Monday, October 22, 2007

A post on trying to heal...

So there was a bit on the radio today about infertility. I decided to listen in. I was surprised at how emotional I became and then I had one of those light bulb moments. (It's amazing how long it takes me to figure out the obvious!)

For a long time I have been beating myself up. Why don't I feel better about all this IF stuff? I have been lucky enough to have 2 successful IVF PG's. All this time I thought having a baby was the cure to infertility. This though process has made it difficult for me to realize that it's ok to still suffer from the pain of IF. Today I learned that a child is the goal but not the cure. A baby does not fix or solve years of suffering through IF, it just stops the thought that you are never going to have a child.

Now I have to give myself permission to enjoy my children and permission to allow myself to recover from all the time I spent in IF h*ll. After 11 years of suffering it's amazing that in my little brain that I would think that now I have had 2 successful PG's that IF is just gone... POOF! (Don't I wish!)

Before I had a successful PG I found the local support group a great place to go and talk. I just wish that they had a support group for those still struggling after success. Maybe I should contact the group and see if they would do a session like this. I am sure I am not the only one out there? Or maybe I am just nuts! :) I do so appreciate the folks in my computer, but I would like it so much more if we could get together every now and again.

-on the hubby front not much has changed. I am just to tired to deal with that 'stuff' right now
-moving still sucks and so does the packing, I am sick of feeling anxious about it all the time. I am hoping that I feel better once we are settled.
-I am loosing tonnes of hair and have started gaining some bald spots, yuck. I am getting very worried as I know some hair loss is normal but this is way more than I had with my last PG. It's a good thing I have thick hair as it's so thick in some spots that I can hide the bald spots so far. Yes I need to get to the dr.
-my mother is more evil than ever. She offered to help pack but has only been here a couple of days. She shows up here to be a b*tch and just leaves. All I have asked her for is to just come and play with the kids for a while so I can get some stuff done. I can live with me not being important, but the lack of interest in my kids breaks my heart.
-I am still having trouble with my hormones, I am either on a high or a low. I really need to get to the Dr. The chaos of moving is not helping and the lack of sleep is not helping and the hubbs is not helping and 2 adorable 2 year olds aren't helping.

The Positives
I am getting stuff packed. My little boys are not so grumpy now that I have adjusted their napping schedule, unfortunately I no longer get my hour in the morning of 'getting stuff done' time. They are busy nattering all day and their hugs are golden.

My Missy... Love her to death! I feel like the boys really lost out as they had to share my time when they were babies. One baby at a time is a dream (minus the colic). I feel so connected to her, in a way I wasn't able to with the boys. I was so worried that I would hold one longer than the other or that one was getting more from me that I think they got less of me due to my worrying. I also found I bonded with one right away and it was hard to get the other one in there too and I was so concerned about it that I think it took longer. Anyway with the Missy it's just so easy, the boys are at a different stage and require other things of me so I can bond with her in a way I couldn't with the boys. I am not sure if this makes sense but one baby is just easier for me.

And I leave you with my nightly routine.

After the Missy is fed. I wrap her up and put her in the play pen, then I go do the things I need to and she heads off into dream land. Then I pick her up and hold her for a while and just look at her little face (and wish she wouldn't grow quite so fast) and just enjoy. Then I put her in the bassinet beside my bed and go to sleep. Now this truly is a dream come true for someone who tried so long to have a baby.... good night

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At 8:20 a.m., October 23, 2007, Blogger Beagle said...

Wow, you really have a lot on your plate rihgt now. I hope that once you're moved and resettled things will get better with hubby etc.

Life is just hard and you're right, pg does not erase the scars of infertility.

Hang in there!

At 1:45 p.m., October 23, 2007, Blogger Angie said...

You have a lot going on. Thinking of you!

At 1:53 p.m., October 23, 2007, Blogger Snickollet said...

Thinking of you! And sending you my zero-point soup recipe:

1 onion, chopped
3-4 carrots, chopped
1/4 head of cabbage, chopped
2 15oz(? standard cans) tomato puree (or used diced tomatoes if you like the chunks, or fresh tomatoes, of course)
6 oz (guess) of frozen, chopped spinach

Saute the onion, carrot, and cabbage in a little olive oil until softening up. Add the tomato, spinach, and enough water to make it as soupy as you like it. Let it all simmer until veggies are cooked through. Season with salt and your favorite spices.

You can also add green beans, zucchini, or any other no-point veggies you like. (I know that cooked carrots technically count as points, but I look the other way in this recipe :) )


At 5:38 p.m., October 23, 2007, Blogger Ladybug Ann said...

I am sure there are others who've gone on to be parents feeling the same way. Just because you got to where you want to be, that doesn't erase how you got there. It was a part of your life, a part of how you define yourself and it doesn't erase itself just because you now have put it in the past.

Take care.

At 8:02 p.m., October 23, 2007, Blogger Susan said...

I'm sure you're doing a great job being a mom and wife. You're one busy woman. I wish you rest, peace and all the support you need.

Btw, thanks for commenting on my blog. You're sweet.

At 8:05 a.m., October 24, 2007, Blogger MoMo said...

Things will settled down once you move...I felt the same way, but once we got settled things got better. Hang in there.

At 8:36 a.m., October 25, 2007, Anonymous Kimmer said...

I can't imagine trying to move with twins plus an infant. I would say that the hair loss is from stress. Good luck with the move.

At 4:09 p.m., October 29, 2007, Blogger sky girl said...

I'm still dealing with the hair loss although it does finally seem to be tapering off a bit. And the hormone hell? Yeah, I'm hearing that.

You sound so busy that I'm tired just reading about it. I can't imagine moving house right now with one baby let alone 3 little ones.

Hany in there girl.


(I can't remember if you already knew that I had to move blogs or not.)

At 11:43 a.m., October 31, 2007, Blogger Mama said...

Your post had me seeing things in a totally differernt light and choking back tears...I have a lot of fear that I won't bond with this baby as much as with the twins because I loved them "first" if that makes sense. I keep thinking "they will always be my favorites." But reading your post, and how you've been able to bond with Missy in a way you couldn't (because of logistics I totally understand!) with the twins has made me feel really optimistic and excited about having "just one." That's really what I needed the day before my c-section.

I hope things settle down and that your hair loss isn't too drastic. FYI, mine was really bad too- I thought something was wrong- but it was normal and it stopped as quickly as it seemed to start. Our drains have never been the same since, but at least my hair grew back...sort of...and now I'm facing losing it again in a few months. Can't win, can we!?


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