Monday, October 15, 2007

To much...

Well the proverbial sh*t hit the fan around here last night. I finally got through some 'stuff' with my husband that has been brewing for a very long time. I haven't been able to talk to him for so long, he just gets so angry with me whenever I bring anything up so I have been bottling stuff up for so long it just wasn't good. Well it all came out last night. I tried to be the bigger person and not just yell and scream and blame as we all know it takes two. It finally came out that I am only moving to try to make him happy. He was not to happy with this, but I told him I kept trying to talk to him about it and all he did was get mad. How am I supposed to talk to someone who shuts down and gets angry every time I try to bring up the hard stuff.

Since the boys were born we have just gotten farther apart. I really don't know how to fix the damage and he is still so angry with me over some of the things I said, there was more but I just can't get into it now. He needs to accept that I am feeling the way I am because of his actions regardless of how he 'thinks' I should feel.

We have had one or two other 'talks' since the boys were born and it seems that things are good for a little while then it's back to the regular stuff. I want to believe that things will change but it seems that old habits are much easier to fall back on then trying to make things better. I so want to be positive, but I really don't have a lot of hope right now. I pray thing change and that the move ends up being a new beginning for us, but I know marriage is hard and marriage after IF and with kids is even harder. I thought all the crap we went through before the kids and the strength of our marriage back then would be enough to endure anything. He knows I am having a really tough time, yet he is doing nothing to ease the extra stress that I do not need.

I just want us to be happy, we should be, we beat that miserable bastard infertility. We should be so freaking happy that we annoy everyone around us.

Birthday update - no card, no nice dinner, no gift, no cake, no 'happy birthday', nothing... guess he was to busy.
Move Update
-still packing, no help so it is getting really old. I can only pack when the kids are all napping at once as the boys are just to busy and into things when I try to do it when they are around. My mother was supposed to come over and help on the weekend but she was to busy (did I mention that when my aunt moved she was over every day and weekend. She even kept dad up on work nights so she could go help. Guess it 'looks' better to help her pack)

Now I have to end off on a positive note. Little Missy is growing like a weed (which isn't helping my sadness, she is growing way to fast). She has now started staring at her hand. She loves to watch her brothers and she will cry if she can't see them. The boys love to kiss her and make sure that she has a blanket to keep warm. The boys are finally starting to learn some new words, bubble, house, apple, and some form of orange are the newest. One of the boys has to give me a kiss on each cheek before bed. (insert mom going aaaah here). The boys love to colour and I think they are starting to understand about the lines. The cheek kisser even learned to draw circles today.

It's 11:20pm I really need to get to bed, night all

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At 7:39 a.m., October 16, 2007, Blogger DD said...

You have been getting stuff piled and piled on you and no one seems to notice. How does one forget the birthday of a loved one? Maybe by a day or so, I could understand, but...nothing? Didn't anyone else mention your birthday in front of him? No cards in the mail?

Don't be offended if I mention the old standby, counseling. Even if he won't go. Even if for now you don't want him to know, you need someone to talk to besides your children.

I feel so sad knowing that you are hurting so far away.

At 9:15 a.m., October 16, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm sorry that you are having such a rough time. And I agree with dd, counseling could be really positive. Maybe he'll even go with you.

My husband stinks with birthdays too, he finally programed it into his crackberry so maybe next year it will be on his radar.

Happy belated birthday!

At 3:10 p.m., October 16, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hope you and your husband can find a way to reconnect. It is hard when you are living with someone and it feels like you are a million miles away from them.

At 8:59 p.m., October 16, 2007, Blogger Rumour Miller said...

Oh I am so sorry he forgot your birthday. I'd be so very hurt too.

At 2:20 p.m., October 17, 2007, Blogger Jen said...

I wish I lived close, I'd come bring you a cake and babysit for you! My mother rolled her eyes at me when I told her I'm pg! Gotta love 'em. As for your DH, we all know the stress that IF takes on your life and soul. I hope you are both able to find some peace and happiness in your new home!

At 9:02 p.m., October 20, 2007, Blogger Nico said...

I hope that you and DH can keep talking, and perhaps over time clear the air between you. It sucks to be miserable about that as well as everything else.

It is so sweet that your boys give you goodnight kisses. I am so looking forward to that!


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