Up and down I go, and I thought I was done with the rollercoaster!

Well finally the rain stopped for a while, to be replaced with a serious high. Well the high is gone and the low is coming back. I just want that peaceful feeling again. The even keel, the slow peaceful days and nights.

I have started packing the house finally and as much as I don't want to move I am trying to accept it. I am looking forward to finally decorating a nursery. I have a plan for Missy's room. I am trying so hard to focus on the positives so I don't go crazy. Unfortunately my brain is going in a million directions so sleep is sometimes hard to find. I am just all over the place these days. I hate this feeling and I know I need to go talk to my Dr. I am sure there is something I can do to even things out. I feel like such a failure for not being able to control the anxiety I am feeling. I am trying so hard so I guess that means there is something else going on. I just don't want my medical records to have something about depression in them, it just makes it real.

Also last week I found a lump on my head behind my ear. I am scared to death, so scared I don't even want to go to the doctor. I just don't have it in me to deal with anything else right now I would rather ignore it but I know I can't... My husband is not being so overly supportive right now so I am struggling. I am going to try to make an appointment with my Dr. this week.

Oh ya and Canadian Thanksgiving is coming up and my parents are going away, guess they aren't that interested in their grand kids. You know how often I have been 'b*chted' at for being at the in-laws for different holidays? I hate that women, she stresses me out to no end.

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Ok this is were I try to be more positive to improve my overall mood and remind myself of how incredibly lucky I am.

Well Missy is now three months and she has grown so very fast. I thought she was much bigger than her brothers at this age but I finally got around to digging out their calendars and low and behold she is actually smaller than both the boys were at three months (well she is taller, but weighs less). I can not believe how much faster the three months has passed with her than it did with the boys. I guess with three kids life just speeds up even more.

Missy is so alert now and smiles more, I think she is almost past her colic stage (thank goodness). She wants to sit up so she can watch those boys run/walk around. She must see all or she cries. Her brothers are still very good with her, kisses and hugs even when not expected. If she is sitting up and falls over a bit the boys make sure Mom 'fixes' her. She is going to be a drool-er I think, right now it's bubbles. The boys are going to drive me crazy... uh oh whenever their sister has bubbles, I must clean them up. If I don't the boys go get one of her cloths and wipe her little mouth. Dad likes to play with her and she responds with smiles (I wish dad would hold her a little more but we are working on that one). I wish I could just slow things down for a while as this is truly my favorite time.

The boys are growing like weeds. To fast for my liking. We have hit the whiny stage which isn't much fun. I am assuming it will get better when they start finding more words. They are bad at making up their own words for things and I try to keep saying the right word but they just aren't interested. The lasted addition to their vocabulary is kitty, more like itty. But it's a start right? They both like to colour and so far there hasn't been any crayon eating. They also like to play outside and run about, must be a boy thing? :) They don't like dirty hands and must have a napkin to wipe up during meals. They have decided that lunch is called 'ham' instead of lunch. I am not sure how that came about. They are great with 'B' words but for some reason they call banana's nannies? It's hard to believe that my husband and I don't talk baby talk the way they carry on! :) They are in the 'helpful' stage these days. Boy do the groceries get unpacked in a hurry, you try and keep up with two little monkey's unpacking bags. One of the boys cries when we are done unpacking though. They also like to help put their clothes away, that usually is interesting but hey maybe they will still like to do that when they are teenagers (ya right!:)). If mom is sad (which I try not to do around them to often) I get hugs and kisses without asking, it always makes me feel better too.

And now the rain comes...

I am thinking that I may be starting to suffer from either post partum depression or it's just the return of nasty auntie flo? Or maybe I just have too much on my plate. The upcoming move is depressing the crap out of me and I am not sure if it's the move, leaving the house or just all the crap going round my head. Now I have had major issues in the past with auntie F, I was thinking it was just about the IF, but now I am not so sure? (Those BF'ing folks who say you won't get your period if you BF don't seem to know that yes some of us are lucky enough to not join that party! Arg)

So here it is, I am going to number it just for kicks
1) Dealing with being 'done' with growing our family
2) Dealing with the fact that I had my tubes tied when apparently I wasn't as ready as my hubby
3) Dealing with the IF baggage that I packed up and wish it would get on the next plane to nowhere
4) Thinking about packing
5) Driving myself crazy with the fact that our new house is smaller and not half as nice as the one we are currently in
6) Thinking about leaving the house where I brought my babies home
7) Looking at everything in the house thinking of how I will miss it (I am going effing crazy here aren't I girls?)
8) Dealing with the terrible 2's times 2 (I knew it would happen eventually... ugg)
9) Dealing with a declining milk supply
10) Dealing with the fact that my girl is growing WAY to fast
11) Dealing with my Crazy Lady (aka my mother)
12) Listening to my PG friend whine and complain about being PG (Why do fertile people think it's ok to complain to folks that have suffered for so many years with IF, and yes she knows what we have been through)
13) Dealing with moving from town to an acreage... yikes the boonies scare me
14) Trying to figure out how we will get everything done in the new house before we move in
15) All the extra money we need to find for the move, and lets not even talk about interim financing for 6 weeks
16) Our babysitter for our one night out this year (sh*t that's pathetic) jammed on us. (We booked her in June for a concert in December. ) Looks like we won't be going and I will probably have to give the tickets to crazy lady, she better effing pay me for them
17) Dealing with my friend who I gave a $500 flight certificate in May who was supposed to pay me half, and finally gave me $200 instead of $250 ugg, oh did I mention she moved out of the province on Thursday? Crazy Lady was supposed to use the certificate, but she didn't want to 'ask' for it. (Long story, when she was planning her trip I kept offering it to her but she said she couldn't fly with that airline. She is a big ole liar. And she is STILL lying about it)
18) My husband doesn't want me to go back to work. I make a lot of money and this is freaking me out. There is sssssooo much work that needs to be done at our new house I am afraid we will never be able to afford it and live in a nice house again
19) PMS.... nuff said
20) My husband, yes I have to add him to the list. I am still mad at him for not being involved in Missy PG and until recently I wasn't even sure that he wanted her. This has been eating me inside. Oh yes and he isn't dealing well with the terrible 2's. I feel like I can't even talk to him these days. It has been hard on our relationship since the boys were born and we just can't seem to get it together. I pray he will be happier on the acreage, with all the work I can't see it so I am worried. I miss our relationship before kids, if we could get out together more than once a year it may be good, but I don't see that happening anytime soon.
21) I asked my Mom if she could take the boys the day we move so they aren't underfoot (not to mention that the younger one screams when his dad leaves the house). And I asked for one other weekend in November so I could help my husband with some of the painting one day. She gave me supreme sh*t that I can't expect the boys to be without us while we do stuff. So I guess here answer is no (I didn't think 1 day in November and one day in December was to much but I guess it is?) Did I mention that she tells everyone how much she does for us and how she helps out ALL the time. I just want to slap her
22) I am not good with change (ie the move)

I am sure I missed a bunch of stuff but that's a good start. Too much right now for me. I have decided to keep track of when I am upset so I can see if there is a pattern and if it is just tied to the monthly cycle. I hope that's all it is and that it can be fixed. I am so angry as I just want to enjoy my kids and the girl since they grow way to fast...

It's 11:30pm and I will probably be up anywhere between 3am and 6am feeding the missy so I better get to bed. Thanks for letting me vent AGAIN.

To late now!

Well it's done. Our house is sold and we bought a new one. I was not so pleased to find out how much our interim financing is going to cost. FRICK'n Heck... our bank sucks not giving us the information beforehand, like we asked. Oh well we tried to have the possession dates moved a little closer, but no can do. Well there is not much I can do about it so I guess I will suck it up and try something new, not stressing about it! I think I will find enough other things to stress about so I will leave that one of the long list.

Oh ya and we bought a used quad today for snow removal and we are going to use it for mowing the lawn too so we won't need a lawn tractor, now we just have to find a mower deck. The money just keeps flying out the window. I am freaking about probably not going back to work when my mat leave is up. I really need to learn how to meditate or something! LOL!

Let the packing begin...

What's new???

Well the sold sign went up on our house Wednesday. I am so very sad but the new house is more family friendly (this house was my I can't get PG so I have pretty things house!) I know it's going to be hard and lots of tears but it will work out.. right? I have never moved from a house I totally loved before the last one I began to hate we did so much work in it. When we moved to this house we thought it would be our last house ever, so it's kind of weird.

But I know I have issues anyway, my last shirt I wore when I was PG is still hanging on the back of my bathroom door. I just can't bear to wash it and put it away. I suppose I will have to take it when we move. I keep trying to take it off the door and throw it in the wash but I just can't seem to do it. It must be the post PG hormones that are making me crazy right now? right? (wrong I truly am nuts! :))

So we go for the inspection on the house we are planning to buy on Friday, wish us luck that all goes well or we will be homeless in December. Trust me you don't want to be homeless this far north in December, especially with young children!

As for the kids. The boys have their own language and love to change it up to drive us crazy, currently the phone and the door are 2 different versions of Buuuhhh. No idea where they came up with that one. They do have a few real words that I love, buuhp-buuuph for backpack-backpack, then there is beebee for baby, and night night. They love to copy each other, it's funny when they both spin around until they fall over, sometimes on top of each other. They are clean freaks, they need a napkin when they are eating so they can constantly clean their faces and anything they spill (they get this from dad). They like to help me 'fold' laundry and put things in the washer. They are very habitual creatures, doors must be shut and lights off when you are not in the room. They hate napping but still need their naps. One of the boys has become a Teddy Bear nut. They are both awesome (so far) with the Missy. They help burp her and they rub her head (they get this from me, I am always rubbing her head and their heads) They are both getting quite the personalities.

And then there is Missy. Sometimes she takes a break from crying and smiles for a little while. She has started with the gooing too, I think she may talk in sentences before the boys! LOL. She is very strong and has amazing head control. She loves to watch her brothers and smiles at them when they get close and come say Hi. She had been sleeping from 11pm to 8am but now she is worse then when we came home, she us up at 3am now. I hope she starts sleeping longer again soon. Breastfeeding isn't going so well right now, I am not sure if I am keeping up. Time will tell I guess. It's hard to believe she is almost 3 months old. I feel like I have missed a whole stage with her compared to the boys, I guess really I have since the boys were 5 weeks early. She is so much bigger and stronger than they were at this age. I hope the colic passes very soon as I hate to see her cry so much her 'tongue-y' smile is so much cuter than her screaming face (although that's kind of cute too). Anyway she is asleep so I better get to bed and catch a few winks as soon as I can.

I am finally over that miserable cold, it lasted about 6 weeks, we were all over it but now my hubby is sick again. I am praying we all skip it this time around.

As my oldest says - Night night

What have we done???

Well today we bought a house and took off the condition on our house that stated we had to find a house first before the offer could go through.

Back in July we listed our house. I didn't really think it would sell or that we would find anything. I knew that we needed to find a new house but I wasn't really ready to go. I didn't think we would sell as the market in our area is flooded. We were just going to take our house off the market as I was getting to stressed and we got an offer on labour day. We had a week to find a house and we sort of did.

So here's the thing we are moving from a beautiful 1700 sq foot bungalow to a 1300 sq foot house that is in need of a tonne of work. The new house is on a beautiful 3 acres and it is at the edge of a small community and it is 5 minutes to a city. The house pretty much sucks compared to the one I am in now. It has potential but it will never be this house. Maybe I just bit off more than I could chew right now, but there's no turning back.

So now I have to leave my home, my safe place, my sanctuary. Why is it so hard? I am sitting here sobbing hoping that if I clear it out of my mind that I can look at it as a new beginning, right now it just hurts.

This is the house that I found out I may never have children
The house that I took my first injection
The house that I suffered my first failed cycle
The house where my hubby and I didn't know if we would make it through all this
The house that I was in, sitting at the kitchen table when I found out finally that I was pg, and my husband was right beside me
The house that I spent months and months on bed rest during my PG
The house that I finally brought my boys home to
The house that I spent countless hours up with my boys and thanking my lucky stars I have them
The house where my boys took their first steps
The house where they cut their first teeth
The house where they had their first birthday
The house where we decided to try again
The house where I had more failed cycles
The house where I had a successful cycle and a wee baby
The house that my kids will never remember
The house that has a yard that sucks
The house that I feel like the walls fit around me and make me feel safe
The house that all my nick knacks fit in
The house that my husband and I painstakingly chose every board to place when we put in our hardwood flooring
The house that now that it's to late I don't want to leave because I won't ever be able to sit in the room where I spent so much time with my boys and just remember the early days. I will never be able to go through the front door again and know what it felt like to finally bring a baby home.
What have we done?

To be fair we have bought a beautiful property and it will be a wonderful place to bring up my kids and I really wanted to leave the town we lived in as I didn't want my kids going through school in this place anyway. We also only have 2 bedrooms on the main floor so the Missy is in our room, so I finally will get to decorate a nursery. (Better late than never right?)

So hold my hand and tell me it's going to OK... cause in the end all that really matters is I have my family anyway... so if that is true why the heck is it so darn hard?

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Updated
Oh ya and I went to a card making class and the gal is 5 months PG. It still bothers me so I suppose it doesn't help with the whole emotional thing?

A year ago today...

A year ago today I started my drugs for the cycle that produced my daughter. So many emotions so many thoughts it's all a lot to think about. I am not even sure what to think, I am all over the map with this. It's weird to be done with all this, and still want to go on because there are still frosties. I wonder when my IF logical brain and my IF emotional one will finally come together as one instead of being in 2 different places?

Oh ya and we sold our house on Monday and now we are trying to find another, so I am exhausted.

I finally got over my cold and it feels like it may be coming back again.

It's also my hubby's birthday... so happy birthday!