A letter to 'Infertility'...

From the time I found out I was pregnant with the Missy Girl I had a letter started in my mind to 'Infertility'. I thought finally I could extend my middle finger to IF and tell it to frig off for good. In IF's true form it did manage to get the last word by taking Missy's twin. So now I write a letter that is much different from the original. So anyway here it is.

Dear Infertility;

I have known you for way to long. You have been with me since the day I got married back in '94. I imagine you were probably lurking beside me for all of my life, just waiting for the right time to show your ugly side.

You have taken so much from me and made me fight so hard for something I thought would be wonderful, becoming a parent. You have beaten me and caused me so many tears. After 2 transfers and negative results I didn't think I would ever see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have never been in such a sad spot and can't imagine how it would have changed without my 3rd transfer and positive pregnancy result.

You robbed me of enjoying my first pregnancy as I was afraid you may take it away. You caused me to play with fire in transferring 3 embryo's at once. In the end it resulted in a very difficult pregnancy and the possibility of loss of my life. You put me in a difficult situation, but becoming a mother was my goal no matter what. I hit the holly grail as far as infertility goes, twins, do I think you had anything to do with that? No.

The wonder of twins soon turned into a lot of work and sleepless nights. I never understood how much I was missing until I had just one at a time. Now I feel as though I have taken something from my boys that I can never give back, my time. I wouldn't trade my boys for anything, but sometimes I think it would have been nice to have them one after another so they each got to spend some special time with mom. Do I blame infertility no, without infertility I would not have my boys who made me a mother finally.

Then the battle began again, the wish of a second pregnancy. Two more transfers, bad embryo thaws, then negative results, the boys triplet was not to be. Infertility rears its ugly head once again, while it ever just go away. Then it was on to another fresh cycle, starting over. I started the drugs on my husbands birthday and my transfer was on my birthday, was it meant to be? Yes. So now I was done with infertility right? I had the last laugh right? wrong. I found out I had another set of twins, infertility was behind me. Well you got the last word didn't you? Missy's twin with it's little heartbeat stopped.

So yes you win. I would tell you to leave now but I think its best you just stay with me, I don't want you to move on to your next poor soul. Just stay with me and leave the next person alone. I am getting used to you and I have not beaten you but I have a pretty good family. And please I beg of you leave my kids alone, I couldn't bear to see any of them have to deal with you.

I would like to thank you though, without you I would not have the children I have, I would not be the person I am. Some day I hope to look back and see this as a positive experience that made me grow and gave me strength.

Yours Truly
Soralis

A note on weddings...

I went to my first wedding since having kids. First of all I felt so old, has it been so long since getting married and thinking the whole world is at my feet? I guess 13 years is a while!

The bride was beautiful and so slender, as I sit there still carrying some of the PG weight around not to mention that I am substantially larger then I was when I got married.

On to my point. Before the successful pregnancies, like many other things, I even found weddings to be a kind of painful torture. I never thought I would ever have a child to share their wedding day. To sit back and be able to take it all in and enjoy. This time I was able to truly enjoy knowing that someday, hopefully, I will be able to be the proud parent watching my child start their new life. (and of course praying they never have to go through infertility issues, but that's a whole other post)

It was a nice relief to know that I would never have to live through the pain of no children again in any facet of my life. Now if only I could put the rest of the pain of infertility behind me.

(I am not sure I will be going to to many other weddings though, childcare is nasty. $80 in babysitting and another $25 for pizza... plus the wedding gift it was an expensive afternoon! And we were home by 9pm!)

(I am still sick and it seems to be getting worse again, good thing we were home by 9 as I am feeling very ill today. I am not even sure what it is, I just don't feel right. I sure hope I feel better in the morning)

Good night.

2 months old today...

Where did the time go? I hope your colic slows soon and your stuffy nose goes away. 2 precious months have passed so quickly and soon my lack of sleep will be a thing of the past. I love your little smiles, I am sad that you cry more than you smile but I know that will change very soon. You go next week for your first shots (sorry in advance) then you go for your 2 month checkup. Please slow down, don't grow up so fast...

Your brothers are really good for you, but if you need glasses it's because your oldest brother has some kind of weird fascination with your eyes. I try to make sure he isn't poking at them but every now and again when I have my back turned I find him trying to point at them. They are both very concerned when you cry, which is interesting since you cry so often.

You are now 10lbs and 23 inches long and I love you just as much as the day you were born.

What was I thinking???

Well this is one of a few posts that have been mulling about in my head so I figured it was about time I got to writing about it.

The short story...
When we found out last fall that we were having a second set of twins I knew we were done. No more infertility roller coaster, just done. So in February when my doctor asked me if I wanted a tubal ligation with my c-section I signed on the dotted line.

What was I thinking...
When I was thinking that we were going to have a grand total of 4 kids I knew we were done, talk about hitting the IF jackpot. After I found out we lost one of the babies I wasn't quite as sure (unfortunately the hubby was though). Needless to say shortly after I 'signed up' for the tubal ligation I started to have second thoughts. I tried to discuss this with my husband but he just didn't 'get it' and he was annoyed when I tried to bring the subject up. I did decide to go through with it anyway, maybe if I just didn't think about it. I had such a physically difficult PG that I thought it was the right thing to do, not to mention that after so many years of infertility it seemed like some kind of miracle that I even got PG twice.

Now that it's done...
So now the dream of that 'natural' pregnancy is definitely dead. Why after 13 or so years trying I would even think that it could ever happen naturally is ridiculous! Still it is weighing on my heart that I am now truly unable to conceive. I guess that unexplained IF dx is still bugging the heck out of me, it always gave me hope that 'it' could happen, but now, never. The funny thing is that I never needed my tubes to get PG in the first place because the only thing that worked for us was IVF. The dream of a natural PG shouldn't be such a big deal now, maybe it's because 2 IF friends of mine have recently been able to get PG with their 2 after being told they would never conceive on their own... we were just unexplained and were never told that.

I never expected that...
Well I must admit that I never expected to be feeling this way after this PG. I guess I wanted 4 kids more than I knew. Why can't I just be happy with my three and forget about it? Are the scars from IF so deep that it is going to take me years to move on. My Dr. even joked after she was done with my tubal ligation that it didn't matter anyway, don't we have frozen embryos? She is right, however my husband would NEVER agree to another PG. (I don't think he has forgiven me for all the extra work during my PG due to my physical limitations).

I suppose this will be in the back of my mind as long as I live. I am really torn over those frosties we still have, they could result in another baby, I can't imagine 'tossing' them away. Why couldn't we be 10 years younger? Why do I have to be suffering from the pain of IF still, I have 3 amazing kids? Why do so many of us have to suffer? Am I nuts or is it normal to feel this way still? Maybe it's the hormones or the smell of my sweet baby? Maybe it's the loss of her twin? Why can't my husband and I be on the same page? Why do I still have to have 'potential babies' in the freezer?

I just feel like I should be over 'it' now, but listen to me whine! What the h*ll is wrong with me! :(

Is it just me or was that rude?

Well we are all sick... even poor little Missy. I am so worried about her.

So tell me who brings a sick kid to see a newborn? Yes one of my old co-workers decided to come and see Missy. She came from out of town and when she got here she says 'Oh my daughter is sick, I hope you don't mind'. I really need to grow a backbone and tell people what I really feel. I was some kind of p-oed, but not as much as when I started in with the sore throat. I haven't been sleeping very well so I am sure that didn't help my immune system, not to mention my body was busy healing from the c-section.

I am still incredibly mad. I just wouldn't go to see a newborn if I was sick or my kid(s) were sick.

I really think I need to get some new friends!

Finally, the birth story...

I have been such a bad blogger these days. I am hoping as Missy starts sleeping more that I will be better. Anyway I figured it was high time to do the birth story post. (Then I can start working on all the other posts that are flying around in my head!) I have also been trying to catch up with everyone and I am glad to see that there has been some good news and I am saying a prayer for all those that have yet to have their dreams come true in IF land. I have about 1034 posts to go, so bare with me I will eventually catch up!

Well I can't remember where I left off, but lets just say the week before Missy's birth was not much fun for me. (So go back to June gals). The week before the girl was schedule to be c-sectioned things got a little stupid around here. First of all the lady that was taking care of my boys was falling asleep when I was talking to her, now I wasn't to worried as I was at least at home. (Although I was still 'hiding out' as she didn't want me around when she was taking care of the boys... ugg) So anyway the plan was she was to take care of the boys on c-section day (June 21st) and then my mom would come over for the evening.

Well my mother being the crazy lady that she is decided to make her own plans with my babysitter. Hello who's kids are they anyway? Needless to say I really didn't want her hanging out around the hospital anyway in the morning. I wanted some time to recover and spend some time with the new addition before she showed up. Well anyway I decided to mention that I was worried about leaving the boys longer with my babysitter due to the fact she seems very tired. Well my mother wouldn't hear anything when I tried to tell her what I wanted to do. I tried so hard to talk to her in a reasonable way the Friday before she was born but she wouldn't listen.

We were planning a nice weekend with the four of us (the boys, dad and I) but that wasn't to be. I will NEVER forgive crazy lady for what she pulled next. Since she wouldn't talk to me on the Friday I made the mistake of calling her on Friday to arrange things for Thursday. I was again trying to be nice about the whole thing. All I said was I was worried about leaving the boys all evening with the babysitter, then she went off on me and started screaming. Things got really nasty and I am not even sure why. I guess it was because she didn't get her way? (She has already started throwing stuff back in my face that my hubby said to her, but that's another post). Needless to say hubby took the phone and let her have it. It ruined my entire weekend, I know I shouldn't let her have that power but it was incredibly stressful. I wasn't even sure if she was going to look after the boys at all until the day before. She is quite the piece of work that's for sure. I am still so angry that she decided to pull that crap the weekend before I was to have Missy. It made for a very stressful week. I don't think I calmed down until after I had the 'girl'. I truly was an awful way to spend the week. (What didn't I go through enough crap to have my kids that I have to put up with her? Now that I am a parent I can't even begin to imagine treating any of my children like that!)

Well enough about that, lets head on to the good stuff. Well the day before my scheduled section I had to go to the hospital for a pre-admission clinic (how exciting, note the sarcasm!). I was the first one there and the last one to leave, my nurse forgot about me I guess. I even had to go ask for my time to leave. I was 'lucky' enough to be across from a gal that was expecting twins, she had just got married and her and her husband were surprised to find out they were having two, she also had a 6 year old from a previous relationship. (Those curtains just don't stop sound from traveling to far!)

It was really hard being across from her knowing that I had lost one of my twins, I really wasn't sure how I would feel after the baby was born. I was quite worried that I would be upset. Anyway after wasting a couple of hours and having to listen to the rest of the gals talk about their birth questions I was more than ready to get the frig out of there! The saving grace was I was the first one in the morning to have my section! 8am!

We headed off to the hospital around 5:30am (we live about 45mins to an hour away)... I was overwhelmed but not as much with the boys. We arrived and they did all there stuff. (Note that catheter insertion is much easier when there is only one in there! I was quite glad that it wasn't as painful as with the boys!) Every one was on time and no emergencies so we were off to the races so to speak!

I went into the OR and they started to get me ready. I was able to walk in this time, with the boys I had to be in a wheel chair and for some reason I started uncontrollable shaking the last time. I was quite glad not to be shaking this time. It took a while before the anesthesiologist made his way in. I was doing really well, but the waiting was starting to make me nervous and I was on the verge of tears. I had a student nurse that was trying to keep me busy by talking, that helped a little. I just wanted to get on with it already! (It was nice that I was not as scared as I was with the boys.) It seems like it took forever before they started. I was really impressed with my OB. She brought in a Sr. partner from her practice in as she was concerned since she nicked my bladder the last time. They talked for quite some time before they actually started.

It seemed like it took forever. I finally asked the anesthesiologist if they were 'in' yet. I was getting anxious to find out if we were having a girl or boy. (I previously had thoughts that we were having a girl, but at my 18 week u/s the tech kept referring to the baby as a boy. So I was sure it was a boy) My OB warned me that she was going to take her time this time, and boy did she. It seemed like I spent a lot longer in there this time than last. Finally I felt the big 'push' on the belly and I knew that I would know soon what we were having. (I didn't remember that one with the boys until it happened then I knew what it meant!) Finally my Dr. said it's a girl. My hubby and I looked at each other, I was about to ask if she got it right when someone else said it's a girl. I was in shock. I was expecting that it would be a boy after the 18 week U/S.

This time the warmer for the baby was behind my head so I was able to watch while they finished with me. Then they gave her to my husband and we all stayed together (much different than with the boys, I liked this experience much better already). She came out sucking, when they handed her to Lindsay she was already sucking on her hand. Yikes, my nipples should have been worried! :) We were all together and they gave me to her when they moved me to recovery. She never left my site all day it was wonderful, much better than having your babies whisked away shortly after you caught a glimpse of one of them.

She was quite a trooper, she even fed when I was in recovery (I think my poor nipples are still red, she wanted to feed all the time!). I was glad to see that I would only be in recovery for the normal amount of time (Again much better than the 2 days I spent in there after the boys)! We then headed off to my room, once we were all settled the nurse bathed her and we got to spend the rest of the day together. It was nice that it was first thing in the morning so we had all day to spend together. Unfortunately my hubby wasn't staying the night due to the issues with my mother so he headed home to feed the boys and spend some time with them. I was sad to see him go although I really enjoyed the time we spent together during the day, and I really enjoyed spending some alone time with my daughter, I never had that with the boys. It was an amazing day. (Unfortunately crazy lady and my dad came up in the evening but they were well behaved, they only came to see Missy anyway.)

The next day my hubby brought up the boys to meet their new sister. They were awesome with her, hugs, kisses and one even cried when she did as he was worried about her. They were only slightly interested in Mom! :)

I spent a lot of time alone with Missy. I really enjoyed it. Only one family member came up to see us and two of our friends. I was slightly miffed as it was as though she wasn't as important because she wasn't a twin. It made me sad, it was as though she wasn't as important. Like I said though I will enjoy the time we got to spend together as I knew when we got home life would be a little busier.

It did take us a while to get used to saying her instead of him...

That's about it for her birth story...