Wednesday, August 15, 2007

What was I thinking???

Well this is one of a few posts that have been mulling about in my head so I figured it was about time I got to writing about it.

The short story...
When we found out last fall that we were having a second set of twins I knew we were done. No more infertility roller coaster, just done. So in February when my doctor asked me if I wanted a tubal ligation with my c-section I signed on the dotted line.

What was I thinking...
When I was thinking that we were going to have a grand total of 4 kids I knew we were done, talk about hitting the IF jackpot. After I found out we lost one of the babies I wasn't quite as sure (unfortunately the hubby was though). Needless to say shortly after I 'signed up' for the tubal ligation I started to have second thoughts. I tried to discuss this with my husband but he just didn't 'get it' and he was annoyed when I tried to bring the subject up. I did decide to go through with it anyway, maybe if I just didn't think about it. I had such a physically difficult PG that I thought it was the right thing to do, not to mention that after so many years of infertility it seemed like some kind of miracle that I even got PG twice.

Now that it's done...
So now the dream of that 'natural' pregnancy is definitely dead. Why after 13 or so years trying I would even think that it could ever happen naturally is ridiculous! Still it is weighing on my heart that I am now truly unable to conceive. I guess that unexplained IF dx is still bugging the heck out of me, it always gave me hope that 'it' could happen, but now, never. The funny thing is that I never needed my tubes to get PG in the first place because the only thing that worked for us was IVF. The dream of a natural PG shouldn't be such a big deal now, maybe it's because 2 IF friends of mine have recently been able to get PG with their 2 after being told they would never conceive on their own... we were just unexplained and were never told that.

I never expected that...
Well I must admit that I never expected to be feeling this way after this PG. I guess I wanted 4 kids more than I knew. Why can't I just be happy with my three and forget about it? Are the scars from IF so deep that it is going to take me years to move on. My Dr. even joked after she was done with my tubal ligation that it didn't matter anyway, don't we have frozen embryos? She is right, however my husband would NEVER agree to another PG. (I don't think he has forgiven me for all the extra work during my PG due to my physical limitations).

I suppose this will be in the back of my mind as long as I live. I am really torn over those frosties we still have, they could result in another baby, I can't imagine 'tossing' them away. Why couldn't we be 10 years younger? Why do I have to be suffering from the pain of IF still, I have 3 amazing kids? Why do so many of us have to suffer? Am I nuts or is it normal to feel this way still? Maybe it's the hormones or the smell of my sweet baby? Maybe it's the loss of her twin? Why can't my husband and I be on the same page? Why do I still have to have 'potential babies' in the freezer?

I just feel like I should be over 'it' now, but listen to me whine! What the h*ll is wrong with me! :(

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11 Comments:

At 1:09 PM, August 15, 2007, Blogger MoMo said...

Oh Soralis..it is never an easy decision. And I think this is another thing that IF robs from us! I think after going thru a successful pregnancy we all have this hope that the next time will happen naturally-because really all my body needed was a little jump start! go ahead and whine..there is nothing wrong with it-what you are feeling is completely natural!

 
At 1:53 PM, August 15, 2007, Blogger Lut C. said...

The desire to have children is not something rational. If it were, infertility probably wouldn't be such a big deal.

 
At 6:07 PM, August 15, 2007, Blogger Natalie said...

Agreed with Lut. It's not easy at all... especially for those of us who have never been able to get pregnant "normally". It's got to be so hard to let it go, even if you wanted to.

 
At 5:27 AM, August 17, 2007, Blogger Angie said...

I don't have any words, only hope that you're okay.

 
At 7:35 PM, August 17, 2007, Blogger My Reality said...

It is a tough decision to make. You still have frosties, so even if you decided it was the wrong one, you can still give another pregnancy a shot.

 
At 12:49 AM, August 18, 2007, Blogger Thalia said...

It's a tough place to be, soralis, I imagine it's a bit like after women have a hysterectomy and don't feel like real women any more, despite the fact they have finished having children a long time ago. It's totally understandable to need to mourn for that fantasy of a spontaneous pregnancy.

 
At 12:08 PM, August 18, 2007, Blogger Nico said...

I think it must be hard to give up the possibility of a natural pg, no matter how small that possibility was. Because we all know that it does happen from time to time. And if you always imagined yourself with four, I can see it being hard to have that empty spot, particularly with the loss of Missy's twin.

 
At 7:11 AM, August 19, 2007, Anonymous Sarah said...

It isn't easy at all!! IF is just hard and it isn't something that goes away just because you successfully have kids. I have the same feelings about our frozen blasts. Sometimes I think of how wonderful the family dynamic is with two kids and wonder if a third will somehow throw a kink into things. Other times, I can't believe that I will never go through pg and be able to enjoy a little one ever again. Oh, what to do!!

 
At 11:52 AM, August 19, 2007, Blogger DD said...

I know from having some brief dealings with women who decide to have their tubes tied even with no IF as a factor that the decision is very difficult. There's a finality there that can be overwhelming. So many what-ifs...

 
At 2:43 PM, August 22, 2007, Blogger Ladybug Ann said...

I think we all mourn for the easy fertile route to having our families. It's hard to deal with knowing that an "oops" is unlikely to happen.

 
At 5:54 AM, August 27, 2007, Blogger OHN said...

It's really funny...the first time I missed a period last year, for a fleeting moment I thought maybe I was pregnant even thought my tubes were officially snipped after my last son. It is actually the onset of menopause yet I still went out and bought a POAS..I guess all the years of IF will never really be gone from my psyche.

 

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