Wednesday, August 29, 2007

A letter to 'Infertility'...

From the time I found out I was pregnant with the Missy Girl I had a letter started in my mind to 'Infertility'. I thought finally I could extend my middle finger to IF and tell it to frig off for good. In IF's true form it did manage to get the last word by taking Missy's twin. So now I write a letter that is much different from the original. So anyway here it is.

Dear Infertility;

I have known you for way to long. You have been with me since the day I got married back in '94. I imagine you were probably lurking beside me for all of my life, just waiting for the right time to show your ugly side.

You have taken so much from me and made me fight so hard for something I thought would be wonderful, becoming a parent. You have beaten me and caused me so many tears. After 2 transfers and negative results I didn't think I would ever see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have never been in such a sad spot and can't imagine how it would have changed without my 3rd transfer and positive pregnancy result.

You robbed me of enjoying my first pregnancy as I was afraid you may take it away. You caused me to play with fire in transferring 3 embryo's at once. In the end it resulted in a very difficult pregnancy and the possibility of loss of my life. You put me in a difficult situation, but becoming a mother was my goal no matter what. I hit the holly grail as far as infertility goes, twins, do I think you had anything to do with that? No.

The wonder of twins soon turned into a lot of work and sleepless nights. I never understood how much I was missing until I had just one at a time. Now I feel as though I have taken something from my boys that I can never give back, my time. I wouldn't trade my boys for anything, but sometimes I think it would have been nice to have them one after another so they each got to spend some special time with mom. Do I blame infertility no, without infertility I would not have my boys who made me a mother finally.

Then the battle began again, the wish of a second pregnancy. Two more transfers, bad embryo thaws, then negative results, the boys triplet was not to be. Infertility rears its ugly head once again, while it ever just go away. Then it was on to another fresh cycle, starting over. I started the drugs on my husbands birthday and my transfer was on my birthday, was it meant to be? Yes. So now I was done with infertility right? I had the last laugh right? wrong. I found out I had another set of twins, infertility was behind me. Well you got the last word didn't you? Missy's twin with it's little heartbeat stopped.

So yes you win. I would tell you to leave now but I think its best you just stay with me, I don't want you to move on to your next poor soul. Just stay with me and leave the next person alone. I am getting used to you and I have not beaten you but I have a pretty good family. And please I beg of you leave my kids alone, I couldn't bear to see any of them have to deal with you.

I would like to thank you though, without you I would not have the children I have, I would not be the person I am. Some day I hope to look back and see this as a positive experience that made me grow and gave me strength.

Yours Truly



At 7:57 a.m., August 30, 2007, Blogger MoMo said...

I love this letter..I hope someday I will get to write one too. It is bitter sweet, with IF came pain, tears, anger, frustartaion, but it also gave us motherhood. And I agree with you, I don't want anyone else thru suffer thru IF!!

At 6:35 p.m., August 30, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is good to see that their is good that comes out of this - your beautiful children are inspiring.

At 9:36 a.m., August 31, 2007, Blogger Rumour Miller said...

Last night DH and I were talking about this journey... if we hadn't struggled, if we hadn't had a chemical pregnancy.... we would not have Piper.

And I couldn't imagine my life without her in it. So, I excitedly await the arrival of our next. After our most recent loss, the reward will be great.

At 1:03 p.m., September 02, 2007, Blogger Nico said...

I hope that as the years go by you really can put most of this in the past.

I find it very interesting that you mention that you are sad in a way that you didnt' get to spend more time with each of your boys individually. I know how incredibly hard having twins must be, especially at first, but part of me always thought that it would be really cool.

At 6:09 p.m., September 02, 2007, Blogger Sunny Jenny said...

What a beautiful letter! You've expressed so many emotions that I've felt.

At 9:39 a.m., September 03, 2007, Blogger Ladybug Ann said...

That brought me tears. I too hope that someday I will never have to fear infertility anymore.


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