Happy Halloween...

Hope everyone makes it through Halloween. I have always loved Halloween. I have always decorated my house for the little ghosts and gobblins, some years were so difficult especially after my second failed cycle back in 04. It was so bitter sweet to have all these cute little ones come to the door yet feel so much pain inside. I still feel the pangs but I know that if this all works out that I am so close to completing my family. The pangs make me remember where I came from though so I think I will embrace them from now on.

On the hopeful front. I am very nervous, there is just so many things that can go wrong. I guess there is something to be said for being oblivious! I am really hoping that my u/s on the 10th helps me relax just a little.

Thanks for the support...

Wow... I was reading all the comments from my last post. The support from this community is overwhelming. I am in tears thinking of all of you! I am praying that this one sticks it out for the long haul! I hope all of you who are still waiting get those take home babies very soon too.

When I have a chance I am going to try and do a post about some of the differences of a cycle the second time around...

Take care!

The results are in....

Well I am home, my trip was awesome (except the part where my baggage decided not to join me, but at least they found it and it will be here some time today). So I suppose you want to hear all about my trip first? Ok maybe not!

So I got home Tuesday night... LATE! 2nd person through customs! (last person out off there though due to my baggage! Isn't that always the way!) We landed and had to wait to get towed to our gate (there wasn't even any other planes coming in at the time, our 'international' airport is quite small! The dude must have been napping!) So I turned on my phone and text messaged my husband (why I just didn't call him I will never know!??) By this point I was prepared for bad news as he was supposed to tell me if it was good news, so he either didn't know or it was bad. So he texts me 'big surprise'. Knowing my husband this could be ANYTHING... like he remembered to bring my coat. So anyway I was shaking the entire time that the baggage was dumping out! I just wanted to get the heck out of there. After the bags stopped coming I decided to ask the baggage agent right away to see if they were done. (Been there done that way to many times!) So I filled out all my paperwork and left with my carry on bag. (finally!) I had this feeling that the bag wasn't going to join me since I cleared the first step of customs so quickly!

I went out to join my husband. Not a word out of him, I guess it's not good news... at least I stopped shaking since I was waiting for my baggage for so long. So we go out to the truck to start our long journey home. He is jabbering about nothing (I am ready to shake him by this point... after all it has been almost 3 freaking days since my blood test.) He finally started saying, well the dr's office called, and he is yammering on. I am waiting and waiting for the news. Ya he didn't ask! He just said that I am supposed to call as my dr. had some instructions for me. He figured that sounded good. Meanwhile it's going through my head, why the frig didn't you just ASK the question, you know the one where you say is she PG? Three words and he didn't ask! I should have left him more explicit instructions on what to say. So this meant I have to wait another day to call the office. I was really thrilled, but believe it or not I was just to tired to care. Can you imagine to tired to care about the end of the 2ww. I must have been exhausted! Maybe it was because I am PG! I called the dr's office and yes I am actually PG. I am in shock. I was not expecting this cycle to work for some reason. I am really nervous for some reason? I am really excited and really nervous that I am excited already. It just seems like it is way to early to get excited, that I need to wait until at least the u/s or 12 weeks. I gave myself permission to get excited after 12 weeks so I am worried that I have already sprung into excitement mode. I know that this may not be a sure thing so I am afraid to start actually believing that this will turn out good in the end.

I am also suffering from the guilt thing. It seems to be fairly normal here in blog land, so I know I am not alone. Beating the odds with IVF twice seems so unfair when some of you are still waiting for your first success. I am not sure that it is survior guilt I am feeling? It's more like this intense feeling that I really wish no one had to suffer the pain of IF. I am not sure that I can really explain. But for now I am lucky I am PG and I promised myself if it ever happened again that I was going to enjoy it. The numbers are a little more than half of my last PG on the same testing day so I am thinking it is only one this time. I am sad that one embryo didn't make it, but given my issues at the end of my last PG it will definitely be a lot easier on my body.

Sorry I am so long winded today!

Take care and thank you for being there for me through all of this so far!

Still here, still waiting...

Just posting a quick update.

Had my beta on Sunday on my way to the airport. Left the country, will be back tomorrow night. Hopefully will get the results Wednesday!

On the house front it looks like the acreage is going to be way to expensive, bummer! If something has to go bad I would prefer that over that 'other thing' I am waiting for.

It is driving me crazy knowing that my doctor's office knows and I don't!! I just don't want to risk getting bad news being about a 6 hour flight away from the hubby.

At least I am keeping busy! It's driving me crazy that my hubby may know the results already, but if he knows and hasn't shared that means bad news. I so want to ask him if they called today but I know better. This is to crazy!

Work seems to be good though. Love the team think I am going to love the job too!

Take care everyone!

p.s. I thought when you get further south it is supposed to be warmer... frig is it cold here! Well I guess Detroit isn't south enough!! Maybe I can get them to send my somewhere warmer next time!!

One week down...

Well since my last post my mood has increased significantly. Thank goodness! I hate feeling all hormonal! YUCK!

Well Monday marked a week from my transfer. I have had no time to worry about it as I am keeping more than my fair share of busy these days! Cross your fingers that my benefits may now be fixed and I may actually get paid this month. (not holding the breath on that one!!!)

So what have I been up to? WORK, looking at a new house (well new to us... it's in terrible shape but has tonnes of potential), and planning for a 2 day work trip to Detroit. I was expecting to have some say in the trip dates but I guess not, they sent me an email and said to get it booked for Monday/Tuesday next week. The project manager figured I could fly in Monday and out Tuesday. Not quite I am about a 6 hour flight away!! Normally this last minute planning wouldn't be an issue but my PG is supposed to be on Tuesday, given that I am crossing the border I am kind of screwed in that department. So anyway I phoned my clinic and got the go-ahead to have my blood test 2 days early. I will be going for my blood test then heading to the airport on Sunday then I get to wait until Wednesday to find out. I really don't need bad news when I am away so I guess I get to wait an EXTRA day. 2ww plus a day, now that's fun!

My flights are all booked and now I just have to wait for Sunday (Just have to book the airport shuttle). I am exhausted just thinking about the trip. Flying drains me on a good day. I am just praying that good old aunt flo doesn't decide to make her appearance on Monday or Tuesday... that would suck! (My last fresh cycle I started the day before my PG test. The drugs don't delay anything for me!! :) )

On the house front we are waiting to hear back a price on an acreage that we looked at (nasty divorce/eviction thing). Hopefully we will hear this week. The lady has talked to a realtor so she is just waiting now. I have mixed feelings as the house would be a lot of work! We also had a realtor nightmare the last time we moved so putting the house up for sale doesn't exactly thrill me either!

Well things are winding down here for a few days... I have some hope and no hope of this cycle working, depending on when you ask me. If I have learned anything after this many transfers is ya just never know until PG test day. (Ugg a 3 day wait to get my results... I am sure I will be able to concentrate while away! LOL)

And so I continue to wait...

Quote of the day
A mediocre idea
that generates enthusiasm
will go farther
than a great idea
that inspires no one.
~ Mary Kay Ash (On People Management)

Meltdown anyone???

Has anyone out there found that you get emotional after the drug regimen for a fresh cycle is done? I feel like my brain needs to be flushed down a toilet or something! I am stressed to the max and I haven't even started worrying about the 2ww yet. OH my what is to come.

I am so overwhelmed with all that life is throwing at me. New role at work, working in general, benefits still messed up (Then I f-ed up my coverage selections today in our enrollment tool and there is no back-out process so I am f-ed, instead of 100% coverage I have 90% coverage, and now I see that they have reduced the Fertility drug maximums to half what they were when I went on leave so I am not sure that I will have any coverage at all for my benefits anyway! So really I am stressing out about an f-up that may not matter anyway.)

Oh and on top of it the woman that birthed me (aka Crazy Lady (CL))is back from her vacation... so to add insult to injury my stress is up a whole new level with that too.

warning talk about kids below

So this whole going back to work thing after mat leave is really getting me stressed (I know poor me I was lucky enough to have a successful cycle, and we won't even mention the 1 year mat leave in canada! :)) . I have been back since sept and had vacation in there and I am still not adjusting very well. The thought of being at work instead of raising my boys is killing me. I have great child care (well except one day a week when CL is supposed to take care of the boys. She hasn't started yet and I am freaking out about her upcoming start. Just the thought is making me sick to my stomach, so much so that I want to quit work.

So here's my darn rant. After almost 11 years of primary IF I wish to effing heck I could just stay home with my boys. Our freaking house would have been paid for if it wasn't for all the darn money we have put out for our sweet boys and then I maybe could have stayed home a lot easier. (I know most of you can feel this financial pain... and my heart aches for all of you too that have to deal with this crap!)

I had a plan and a darn good one too bad IF frigged us over and still continues to frig us over! I raise my middle finger to you IF, from me and all the gals out there that are going through a living hell because of you! So I went back to work to pay off some bills and hope to god that we would be so lucky as to tempt the IVF gods just one more time and have success. I went back to work for my benefits (we won't even go there) and the hope of one year more year of mat leave (like all my NORMAL friends do. So I am pretty much back at work for all the WRONG reasons and since I know that my freaking plans could very well not ever happen I think it is making me regret all the reasons for going back to work. (other than the money part of course, which we unfortunately need as well) Now what do I have to show for it all? I am a freaking crying mess who can't seem to get anything right these days and can't seem to get anything straightened out either.

I guess the timing for our latest cycle wasn't the best either but I couldn't get them to get me in any sooner... maybe it's just the lack of the good drugs that is making me even more emotional than before. Maybe it's just the scars of 11 years of IF rearing their ugly head since we are in the heat of the process. I thought it would be different this time, easier. It is supposed to be OK this time if it doesn't work because I have my little ones. I really thought I had it all together, now I am not sure if it's all the work stuff, the IVF stuff, the old IF stuff or what that is getting me crazy. I know I am in the 2ww but it doesn't feel like it, I really don't think that it is bothering me yet, unless it's back somewhere in my brain and I don't realize it yet.

This post is like my brain all over the place!(Oh ya did I mention it looks like I will have to go away for work the week of my PG test... that should be fun if the results aren't good)

To much on my plate my hubby says, and then he says we threw some IVF on top just to make it 'better'. He is right, I will be glad to get a hug when he gets home tonight and I can't wait to see my little fellas.

I need to pull myself together and get back to work now, thanks for being there.

Tears now and smiles later

ER done! Transfer done! Home at last...

Sorry about the long time between updates. Trailer living can be interesting, actually more like little tiny trailer living! I could sit on the floor in my trailer and reach the fridge, table, sink, bed and almost the bathroom door! But that's not what you want to know is it?

Well I had my ER on Friday Oct 6th. If you haven't been through an ER yet don't read this as I had some issues you really don't need to know about! They gave me extra drugs before at.iv.an and ox.yco.tton (don't know how you spell that one). They didn't do anything! They did manage to get an IV in this time though so I figured I was set. Boy did I figure wrong. I have never felt pain like that in my life. They did give me a 'top-up' of the medication that they were pumping through the IV but they didn't wait for it to kick in, the dr. just kept 'sucking' out those eggs. I could feel the needle poking into my ovary it felt like they were using a steak knife. It's hard to believe something so small can hurt so freaking bad. I ended up having to stay at the clinic a bit longer as every time I stood up I thought I was going to pass out. This is definitely the last retrieval for me, I just hope we get one 'sticky' one out of it. Is this common? How do you gals go through so many ER's? I have been told that I have a very high pain tolerance but I sure felt like a wimp on Friday! I am just glad that is over with!

So they retrieved 10 eggs, 2 were immature. They transferred 2 on Monday(Oct 9th) and froze 6. It was my birthday so I am hoping that my b-day present is one 'sticky embie!' LOL! Hubbs didn't even wish me a happy b-day until we were waiting after our transfer. He said he was so busy he forgot... no card either... to busy he said. I was a little sad as he has know about my b-day for a while! :( To top it off we had to travel home (4hrs) after our transfer yesterday and he was some grumpy when we got home. I guess I will cut him some slack as it has been a busy week!

The transfer was interesting. It was almost 45 minutes late due to some poor woman that had a hour and 1/2 retrieval in the morning. I had my bladder set to be full for my transfer time at 1pm. It wasn't good! I was still swollen from the retrieval so a full bladder was not a good thing. So I am getting ready for the procedure and empty a little first (thank goodness!).

So picture this! First of all they ran out of the leggings that they usually give you. Now since I was staying in a trailer and I knew about the leggings I didn't worry to much about shaving my legs. Oh crap now I have to wander around with my nice stark white legs with nice black hair that I am sure you could see for miles! Normally this would have mortified me, but there was NOTHING I could do about it. Umm excuse me Mrs. nurse since you don't have leggings do you happen to have a razor I could borrow! :) Well onto the table I got, still trying not to pee. I am lucky I have mrs. pushy that U/S probe REALLY good nurse. So I am now REALLY trying not to pee on the doctor. (The embriologist was quite a card and said that the dr. was very absorbent. I am sure the dr. would have been thrilled by that comment but he wasn't there yet!) Well they get me all 'ready' to go and they can't get my cervix so 'stay' (What the heck is it a dog? Stay cervix stay). They were just about to get out the NASTY TOOL to hold it in place when the dr. decided to let me go pee again and see if that helped. So 'out' goes all the dr.'s 'tools', and hairy legged me goes off to the bathroom again. That extra bit of water I drank wasn't such a good idea I guess! Then back to the procedure room again (well at least I remembered to take the underwear off this time! Yes during my first retrieval I actually forgot to take the underwear off! No one said I was boring!). Back in 'position' again, 'tools' in, embies in. We are DONE! Back to pick up the trailer and head home finally!

I am still exhausted, can't wait for my afternoon nap today!

Off I go to catch up with everyone's blogs! Thanks for all your support

Retrieval will be Friday...

Tuesday
Well Tuesday was a better day than monday... well sort of I think. I had another u/s first thing. Of course it was the first u/s and first blood work of the day. (I wasn't in a real big hurry to get back to the trailer so I wasn't going to have to wait today!) When they were done they were ready to send me home and have me come back the next day to get my HCG instructions. I told them I didn't have wheels so could I please do it today. They said I would have to wait for a long time. I told them I didn't care as I had no where to be anyway. One of the nurses noticed that I hadn't done a counseling session since we signed up in 2003 and there was a muck up at the clinic and they had a counselor with no clients, she wondered if I wanted to go talk to the counselor. It was a better way to spend an hour than sitting in the waiting room!

It was an interesting session, I was glad that it worked out that I got to see her. It really didn't help as much as the first time I saw her though. (I guess all my 'free' counseling on the internet has paid off! :) ) It was kind of weird to be there without the hubbs though.

So after the counseling appointment I waited for the nurse to go over the HCG shot. Trigger Wednesday night, Retrieval on Friday. I saw the dr. that runs the clinic this time. Originally he was going to make me come back wednesday then changed his mind to get me to trigger instead???? I guess I should have asked why the change but everything happened so fast and I was so confused that I wasn't sure what the heck was going on. I was also trying to talk to him about my extremly painful retrieval last time.

He doesn't think that I will get half of the eggs that I got last time. I don't know why or what the heck is going on with that. I am not getting any answers and I am quite frustrated with my clinic in general. I think they are to busy as the patient care just doesn't seem to be there. I had 3 different dr's doing the monitoring this time (last fresh cycle it was the same dr.). I just don't feel great about things, but we will see what happens on Friday I guess. At least they are being proactive about the drug/retrieval thing (they are giving me extra drugs to try to help out this time, they think that it could be complicated with where my ovary is. The dr. actually tried to move the ovary with the u/s wand, that was fun!! :) )

At least I wasted half my day at the clinic so I wasn't too lonely. The cab dude was even on time and I was on time at the clinic. I also started playing around with my computer and got the TV working! YAY! I can't imagine 3 days alone, no transportation, in a very small trailer without my TV!! :)

So it was a long afternoon nap, a lazy evening and off to bed!!!

Wednesday
And I thought I was going to be bored today! HA!

Clinic screw up #1 - forgot to give me my 'extra' drugs for Friday, can't pick them up without signing for them (remember I have no wheels)
Clinic screw up #2 - forgot to put the qty on my other 'extra' drugs, hubby trying to get prescription filled at home
Benefits screw up #1 - Apparently the date is still wrong and my claim was rejected again (event hough I phoned the insurance company to verify everything before re-submitting & I also checked with work first too! FRIGIN HECK!)
Work Screw up #1 - They forgot to tell me I got the position I interviewed for (so new boss called me today to confirm... unbelievable!) Wahoo! Got an awesome position, may get to go to new york in a couple of weeks! Always wanted to go to NY! Not sure where exactly yet she just mentioned NY!

Spent my day trying to get a hold of my clinic to fix mess with drugs and work stuff! Getting ready to trigger tonight at 10pm. Hoping I don't spill this time! (last fresh cycle I spilled a lot!)

Tomorrow is my 'day off' no drugs! Looking forward to sleeping in (ya right) as I don't have to take my nasal spray at 6am!

I will try to update after my retrieval. I miss reading everyones blogs, can't wait to get home and get caught up with everyone.

Take care

More Updates...

Still moving along!

Well Saturday was a busy day. I hadn't started packing so I had to get everything packed and ready to go. I was hoping to be on the road by 1ish but we didn't get going until around 2pm. Which isn't bad all things considered.

It was an uneventful drive (the best kind) to our clinic. We settled all of us in for the evening and even managed to go for a walk.

Sunday
I was up at the usual 6am to 'snort' my drugs... ugg. Then I had to get ready to be at the clinic by 8am. Of course since I was in town my appointment for my U/S was right away and then I had my blood work, no waiting around today. I was happy to see that Dr. Ouch wasn't there, instead it was Dr. It's your fault (IYF). He's the fella that helped us finally get a successful cycle last go round. I was happy to see him until the appt started, he seemed kind of grumpy (can you blame him, looking at u/s's on Sunday morning at 8am. I would probably be grumpy to). I was disapointed to find out that there was not more follicles to be found. Still at 8. Dr. IYF was kind enough to point out that I wouldn't get near the results this time around as last (20 eggs ret. last go around). I keep trying to be positive but 7 vs. 20 is not something that I was hoping for that's for sure. But it only takes one right? (I have heard that so many times I could BARF!) After I had a quick chat with the nurse with my concerns about the last retrieval that I had; excruciating pain, IV not running, lack of pain killer, etc. She said that I need to bring that up with the dr. at my next appointment on Tuesday. I most certainly will. Apparently the new position of my ovary (on top of the old uterus) is going to complicate my ER as well. Things to look forward to!

I asked the nurse what exactly it was that they use to 'take the edge off' for ER. I guess it's like h.er.oi.n? Good freaking thing I don't do the stuff cause man would it be expensive to get a high off of that for me!!! (One time when I went in for major surgery they gave me the maximum dose of mor.ph.ine and I didn't feel a darn thing, it did absolutely nothing. The nurses were talking to each other saying that one (one = me) should be out of it. HELLO I can hear you and I am not out of it so I understand what you are saying, is what I wanted to say. Instead I just shut up and waited for the dr. to appear to ask her some questions!) So anyway I hope they can find some drugs to almost knock me out because I don't really want to go through all that pain again. I am anticipating that my retrieval should be on Friday, but who knows???

I was leaving the clinic and waiting for my husband to pick me up so I sat down at the entrance to the building that my clinic is in. There was another lady sitting there with her daughter (I think she was around 9). Given that it's the only office open on Sunday in the building I was pretty sure I saw her in the clinic. She was waiting for blood work and her and her husband were switching of waiting with the daughter. It ended up that I struck up a conversation with her. I was so sad for her and everything thing that she has been through I found it hard to leave when my husband came to pick me up. She said she had never talked to anyone about her IF except her husband and she was really having a hard time. It seemed to me that she was in the place I was in before we had our successful cycle. I just wanted to give her a big hug because really there wasn't anything I could do for her. It's really sad to find an IF'er that hasn't found the support network that some of us have been lucky to find, be it counseling, blogging, support groups etc. She didn't suffer from primary IF but was truly suffering from secondary IF. I really began to understand SIF from talking with her. This poor gal had multiple miscarriages and she only recently found out about IF treatments, her dr. had never referred her to a specialist. She had been suffering for around the last 8 years. (Now you know why I wanted to give her a big hug, and I am not even a huggy kind of girl!) I told her to talk to the counselor at the clinic and that they had lots of different resources that could possibly help her out. You could just see the pain in her eyes and I had some idea of what she was feeling. It just breaks my heart to hear other's stories. I really hope she finds some support or at least someone to talk to. :(

So that was my Sunday morning. The afternoon was pretty boring, just went looking for a bank to get some cash.

Monday
Mondays suck! Well this Monday does anyway. We woke up this morning to Snow, yes people snow! The white stuff that you have to shovel, ok there wasn't that much of it, but it was there! I was glad to see that it was melting as it hit the ground as my husband was heading home with the boys today. After an outing in the morning to get Kri.spy Kr.eme doughnuts (can't get them at home!) it was back to our trailer for lunch then the hubbs and boys headed home. . I didn't think it would be so hard as it is only 3 days. When they drove away I was so scared that something would happen and I would never seem them again (apparently I need some counselling for paranoia too! LOL). I miss them dreadfully. I have never been much to be on my own so this SUCKS. I have been alone since I had my successful cycle so I think it may take me a while to adjust, to think I thought the free time would be GREAT! Time to myself to do whatever I want, sleep all day, watch TV... etc. Oh wait I am in a 20ft trailer, it's not going to be that exciting. (Speaking of which right now it is past supper I really need to eat something, I am starved!) Ok my belly is full so I am back (did you miss me? :) ) So I called to arrange for my rental car pickup tomorrow, I phoned the other day to make sure that they could pick me up so that I could be at my appt on time, guess what they can't pick me up that early. So I tried to arrange to get picked up today and get the car early. No can do. So I told them to cancel my car. (Probably not the smartest thing to do but I was mad) So now I have no car, I am stuck out in the booneys in a freezing cold trailer with no car and no way to go anywhere. I phoned to book a cab for the morning and they can't guarantee me a time either, I wonder if I am going to make it to my appointment tomorrow? I thought the whole point of booking an appointment was so that they would be there to pick you up? What the heck do I know I have never been in a cab. Joys of growing up in a small town I guess?

Next on my list of things to do was set up my computer to watch the local tv stations... not working people. What the heck am I going to do with out tv? Go freaking insane I figure!!!! I should have brought a freaking tv with me. I tested the computer at home and it was fine but I remember from before that the non-cable television sucks here. Ugg

Well at least one thing went well today. I am actually able to connect my laptop to the net via my cell phone. I think it's pretty cool, but I amuse easily!

So that's it for today! I lead a pretty boring life now don't I. Tomorrow's agenda... get my benefits straightened out, cell phone bill here I come!! YIKES

IVF Thoughts
I have been thinking a lot about how I feel this cycle so here it is:
Hopeful
Cautiously Optimistic
Sad
Happy
Anxious
Uncertain
Not Hopeful
Scared of failure
Wondering if I am temping the IF gods once to often
Nervous
Wondering the why's?
& right now - alone

I think that about covers it. I sometimes wonder why I decided to go down this uncertain road again. Why torment myself anymore? My husband isn't even his normal positive self. Time will tell I guess, one thing I have learned is that what will be will be.

Take care and thanks for the kind comments on my last post... (Haven't spoken to "we win" dude since the "we win" conversation!)