Meltdown anyone???

Has anyone out there found that you get emotional after the drug regimen for a fresh cycle is done? I feel like my brain needs to be flushed down a toilet or something! I am stressed to the max and I haven't even started worrying about the 2ww yet. OH my what is to come.

I am so overwhelmed with all that life is throwing at me. New role at work, working in general, benefits still messed up (Then I f-ed up my coverage selections today in our enrollment tool and there is no back-out process so I am f-ed, instead of 100% coverage I have 90% coverage, and now I see that they have reduced the Fertility drug maximums to half what they were when I went on leave so I am not sure that I will have any coverage at all for my benefits anyway! So really I am stressing out about an f-up that may not matter anyway.)

Oh and on top of it the woman that birthed me (aka Crazy Lady (CL))is back from her vacation... so to add insult to injury my stress is up a whole new level with that too.

warning talk about kids below

So this whole going back to work thing after mat leave is really getting me stressed (I know poor me I was lucky enough to have a successful cycle, and we won't even mention the 1 year mat leave in canada! :)) . I have been back since sept and had vacation in there and I am still not adjusting very well. The thought of being at work instead of raising my boys is killing me. I have great child care (well except one day a week when CL is supposed to take care of the boys. She hasn't started yet and I am freaking out about her upcoming start. Just the thought is making me sick to my stomach, so much so that I want to quit work.

So here's my darn rant. After almost 11 years of primary IF I wish to effing heck I could just stay home with my boys. Our freaking house would have been paid for if it wasn't for all the darn money we have put out for our sweet boys and then I maybe could have stayed home a lot easier. (I know most of you can feel this financial pain... and my heart aches for all of you too that have to deal with this crap!)

I had a plan and a darn good one too bad IF frigged us over and still continues to frig us over! I raise my middle finger to you IF, from me and all the gals out there that are going through a living hell because of you! So I went back to work to pay off some bills and hope to god that we would be so lucky as to tempt the IVF gods just one more time and have success. I went back to work for my benefits (we won't even go there) and the hope of one year more year of mat leave (like all my NORMAL friends do. So I am pretty much back at work for all the WRONG reasons and since I know that my freaking plans could very well not ever happen I think it is making me regret all the reasons for going back to work. (other than the money part of course, which we unfortunately need as well) Now what do I have to show for it all? I am a freaking crying mess who can't seem to get anything right these days and can't seem to get anything straightened out either.

I guess the timing for our latest cycle wasn't the best either but I couldn't get them to get me in any sooner... maybe it's just the lack of the good drugs that is making me even more emotional than before. Maybe it's just the scars of 11 years of IF rearing their ugly head since we are in the heat of the process. I thought it would be different this time, easier. It is supposed to be OK this time if it doesn't work because I have my little ones. I really thought I had it all together, now I am not sure if it's all the work stuff, the IVF stuff, the old IF stuff or what that is getting me crazy. I know I am in the 2ww but it doesn't feel like it, I really don't think that it is bothering me yet, unless it's back somewhere in my brain and I don't realize it yet.

This post is like my brain all over the place!(Oh ya did I mention it looks like I will have to go away for work the week of my PG test... that should be fun if the results aren't good)

To much on my plate my hubby says, and then he says we threw some IVF on top just to make it 'better'. He is right, I will be glad to get a hug when he gets home tonight and I can't wait to see my little fellas.

I need to pull myself together and get back to work now, thanks for being there.

Tears now and smiles later