Thursday, October 12, 2006

Meltdown anyone???

Has anyone out there found that you get emotional after the drug regimen for a fresh cycle is done? I feel like my brain needs to be flushed down a toilet or something! I am stressed to the max and I haven't even started worrying about the 2ww yet. OH my what is to come.

I am so overwhelmed with all that life is throwing at me. New role at work, working in general, benefits still messed up (Then I f-ed up my coverage selections today in our enrollment tool and there is no back-out process so I am f-ed, instead of 100% coverage I have 90% coverage, and now I see that they have reduced the Fertility drug maximums to half what they were when I went on leave so I am not sure that I will have any coverage at all for my benefits anyway! So really I am stressing out about an f-up that may not matter anyway.)

Oh and on top of it the woman that birthed me (aka Crazy Lady (CL))is back from her vacation... so to add insult to injury my stress is up a whole new level with that too.

warning talk about kids below

So this whole going back to work thing after mat leave is really getting me stressed (I know poor me I was lucky enough to have a successful cycle, and we won't even mention the 1 year mat leave in canada! :)) . I have been back since sept and had vacation in there and I am still not adjusting very well. The thought of being at work instead of raising my boys is killing me. I have great child care (well except one day a week when CL is supposed to take care of the boys. She hasn't started yet and I am freaking out about her upcoming start. Just the thought is making me sick to my stomach, so much so that I want to quit work.

So here's my darn rant. After almost 11 years of primary IF I wish to effing heck I could just stay home with my boys. Our freaking house would have been paid for if it wasn't for all the darn money we have put out for our sweet boys and then I maybe could have stayed home a lot easier. (I know most of you can feel this financial pain... and my heart aches for all of you too that have to deal with this crap!)

I had a plan and a darn good one too bad IF frigged us over and still continues to frig us over! I raise my middle finger to you IF, from me and all the gals out there that are going through a living hell because of you! So I went back to work to pay off some bills and hope to god that we would be so lucky as to tempt the IVF gods just one more time and have success. I went back to work for my benefits (we won't even go there) and the hope of one year more year of mat leave (like all my NORMAL friends do. So I am pretty much back at work for all the WRONG reasons and since I know that my freaking plans could very well not ever happen I think it is making me regret all the reasons for going back to work. (other than the money part of course, which we unfortunately need as well) Now what do I have to show for it all? I am a freaking crying mess who can't seem to get anything right these days and can't seem to get anything straightened out either.

I guess the timing for our latest cycle wasn't the best either but I couldn't get them to get me in any sooner... maybe it's just the lack of the good drugs that is making me even more emotional than before. Maybe it's just the scars of 11 years of IF rearing their ugly head since we are in the heat of the process. I thought it would be different this time, easier. It is supposed to be OK this time if it doesn't work because I have my little ones. I really thought I had it all together, now I am not sure if it's all the work stuff, the IVF stuff, the old IF stuff or what that is getting me crazy. I know I am in the 2ww but it doesn't feel like it, I really don't think that it is bothering me yet, unless it's back somewhere in my brain and I don't realize it yet.

This post is like my brain all over the place!(Oh ya did I mention it looks like I will have to go away for work the week of my PG test... that should be fun if the results aren't good)

To much on my plate my hubby says, and then he says we threw some IVF on top just to make it 'better'. He is right, I will be glad to get a hug when he gets home tonight and I can't wait to see my little fellas.

I need to pull myself together and get back to work now, thanks for being there.

Tears now and smiles later

24 Comments:

At 1:48 p.m., October 12, 2006, Blogger Krista said...

Oh Soralis, I am sorry everything is so hard right now. Of course you are overwhelmed, and I am sure the pressure of not knowing if it worked or not is adding, even if subconsciously.

I truly hope it worked for you.

 
At 2:49 p.m., October 12, 2006, Blogger Rumour Miller said...

I don't know what to say to help you feel better so I will just send you some hugs.

 
At 3:14 p.m., October 12, 2006, Blogger Lut C. said...

11 YEARS?! Now I'm having a meltdown.

Blame it on the drugs. All of it.

 
At 4:00 p.m., October 12, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sounds like a couple too many things for my tiny and fragile emotional state to deal with most two week waits. I'm sorry you can't make the choices you would if unburdened by the financial aspects. Will a "hang in there" do for now?

Bea

 
At 4:12 p.m., October 12, 2006, Blogger Courtney said...

I blame the drugs and the fact you are going through all that crap and are PUPO. Good luck I hope that things work out for you in the end.

In the meantime ((HUG)) from me to you.

 
At 6:15 p.m., October 12, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I always feel emotional and like my brain needs a cleansing. Hope things improve soon.

 
At 7:56 p.m., October 12, 2006, Blogger Mary Ellen and Steve said...

I am sorry that you are having such a hard time right now. The drugs and the stress of the cycle will definitely do it. I hope things get better soon, and your 2ww flies by. Hang in there. Hugs to you.

 
At 11:38 p.m., October 12, 2006, Anonymous Jen said...

the post drugs meltdown is something I think we need to block out so we'll do the whole thing again, I'm sorry you feel like crap and hope things settle down quickly for you. fingers crossed that your beta is a good one

 
At 1:21 a.m., October 13, 2006, Anonymous Meri-ann said...

Just a big hug for you babe x

 
At 3:57 p.m., October 13, 2006, Blogger susan said...

Hang in there Soralis. I have found (and my experience is limited 1IUI prior to this IVF) that the stims don't bother me. It's the lingering HCG shot that makes me very emtionally over wrought...

You have SO much going on. I'm think the best for you. Take good care of yourself.

 
At 9:26 p.m., October 13, 2006, Blogger lunarmagic said...

I'm sorry you're feeling a mess. It is all just a stressful, emotional thing to deal with, without adding the stress of money into the mix (I just found out that if we have to do IVF it's not covered, and I'm FREAKING OUT).

Big hugs. Hope this cycle is the lucky one.

 
At 5:57 a.m., October 14, 2006, Anonymous shazz said...

I hear ya girl, from someone who is about to go for egg retrival on Monday I hear ya!!

 
At 10:37 a.m., October 15, 2006, Blogger One Mother's Journey said...

I'm sorry you're having a hard time - I'm thinking of you.

 
At 12:46 p.m., October 15, 2006, Blogger My Reality said...

I hear you with the meltdown! I hope the weekend has given you a chance to relax a bit.

 
At 6:34 a.m., October 16, 2006, Blogger N said...

Sweety! Breath! I'm there in the meltdown section with Lut. 11 freaking years? You are an incredibly strong woman. Do not forget that! Big hugs!

N

 
At 8:45 a.m., October 16, 2006, Blogger lola said...

Sending hugs your way, lady. You are going through a lot right now, don't forget to be kind to yourself!!

 
At 6:33 p.m., October 16, 2006, Anonymous Lori said...

I'm so sorry everything is so overwhelming right now. How hard it must be to be at work when you're heart is at home. I hope you're feeling a little bit better these days.

 
At 8:48 a.m., October 17, 2006, Blogger Thalia said...

It sounds all incredibly hard, I am sorry. Of course it's very tough to leave your boys. I don't have boys to leave and goodness knows I find work very uninspiring right now. it's hard to care about it when you're obsessed by something much more important.

let's hope you're now well on the way to that next year of maternity leave.

 
At 4:26 p.m., October 17, 2006, Blogger serenity said...

*hug*

Hang in there.

I am thinking about you and hoping that some of the stress goes away soon.

Love to you.

 
At 11:26 p.m., October 17, 2006, Blogger TiggleBitties said...

The drugs always make me insane. You are definitely not alone. Good Luck with this cycle! :)

 
At 1:33 p.m., October 18, 2006, Blogger the waiting line said...

In response to your first question -- YES, I had a major hormonal/emotional crash after my last fresh cycle. What a whopper!!

 
At 5:13 p.m., October 18, 2006, Blogger Em said...

The financial side is hard. Why is it such a drain for couples who just want to have kids? It should be subsidiesd or something.

 
At 5:51 p.m., October 18, 2006, Anonymous Sarah said...

I would definately blame it on the drugs. But it is so overwhelming isn't it? I hope that your 2ww flies by and will be followed by a great beta! Good luck.

 
At 10:41 p.m., October 18, 2006, Blogger sube said...

Sorry this is all piling up. As if the 2ww wasn't hard enough. Hang in there!

 

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