More Updates...

Still moving along!

Well Saturday was a busy day. I hadn't started packing so I had to get everything packed and ready to go. I was hoping to be on the road by 1ish but we didn't get going until around 2pm. Which isn't bad all things considered.

It was an uneventful drive (the best kind) to our clinic. We settled all of us in for the evening and even managed to go for a walk.

Sunday
I was up at the usual 6am to 'snort' my drugs... ugg. Then I had to get ready to be at the clinic by 8am. Of course since I was in town my appointment for my U/S was right away and then I had my blood work, no waiting around today. I was happy to see that Dr. Ouch wasn't there, instead it was Dr. It's your fault (IYF). He's the fella that helped us finally get a successful cycle last go round. I was happy to see him until the appt started, he seemed kind of grumpy (can you blame him, looking at u/s's on Sunday morning at 8am. I would probably be grumpy to). I was disapointed to find out that there was not more follicles to be found. Still at 8. Dr. IYF was kind enough to point out that I wouldn't get near the results this time around as last (20 eggs ret. last go around). I keep trying to be positive but 7 vs. 20 is not something that I was hoping for that's for sure. But it only takes one right? (I have heard that so many times I could BARF!) After I had a quick chat with the nurse with my concerns about the last retrieval that I had; excruciating pain, IV not running, lack of pain killer, etc. She said that I need to bring that up with the dr. at my next appointment on Tuesday. I most certainly will. Apparently the new position of my ovary (on top of the old uterus) is going to complicate my ER as well. Things to look forward to!

I asked the nurse what exactly it was that they use to 'take the edge off' for ER. I guess it's like h.er.oi.n? Good freaking thing I don't do the stuff cause man would it be expensive to get a high off of that for me!!! (One time when I went in for major surgery they gave me the maximum dose of mor.ph.ine and I didn't feel a darn thing, it did absolutely nothing. The nurses were talking to each other saying that one (one = me) should be out of it. HELLO I can hear you and I am not out of it so I understand what you are saying, is what I wanted to say. Instead I just shut up and waited for the dr. to appear to ask her some questions!) So anyway I hope they can find some drugs to almost knock me out because I don't really want to go through all that pain again. I am anticipating that my retrieval should be on Friday, but who knows???

I was leaving the clinic and waiting for my husband to pick me up so I sat down at the entrance to the building that my clinic is in. There was another lady sitting there with her daughter (I think she was around 9). Given that it's the only office open on Sunday in the building I was pretty sure I saw her in the clinic. She was waiting for blood work and her and her husband were switching of waiting with the daughter. It ended up that I struck up a conversation with her. I was so sad for her and everything thing that she has been through I found it hard to leave when my husband came to pick me up. She said she had never talked to anyone about her IF except her husband and she was really having a hard time. It seemed to me that she was in the place I was in before we had our successful cycle. I just wanted to give her a big hug because really there wasn't anything I could do for her. It's really sad to find an IF'er that hasn't found the support network that some of us have been lucky to find, be it counseling, blogging, support groups etc. She didn't suffer from primary IF but was truly suffering from secondary IF. I really began to understand SIF from talking with her. This poor gal had multiple miscarriages and she only recently found out about IF treatments, her dr. had never referred her to a specialist. She had been suffering for around the last 8 years. (Now you know why I wanted to give her a big hug, and I am not even a huggy kind of girl!) I told her to talk to the counselor at the clinic and that they had lots of different resources that could possibly help her out. You could just see the pain in her eyes and I had some idea of what she was feeling. It just breaks my heart to hear other's stories. I really hope she finds some support or at least someone to talk to. :(

So that was my Sunday morning. The afternoon was pretty boring, just went looking for a bank to get some cash.

Monday
Mondays suck! Well this Monday does anyway. We woke up this morning to Snow, yes people snow! The white stuff that you have to shovel, ok there wasn't that much of it, but it was there! I was glad to see that it was melting as it hit the ground as my husband was heading home with the boys today. After an outing in the morning to get Kri.spy Kr.eme doughnuts (can't get them at home!) it was back to our trailer for lunch then the hubbs and boys headed home. . I didn't think it would be so hard as it is only 3 days. When they drove away I was so scared that something would happen and I would never seem them again (apparently I need some counselling for paranoia too! LOL). I miss them dreadfully. I have never been much to be on my own so this SUCKS. I have been alone since I had my successful cycle so I think it may take me a while to adjust, to think I thought the free time would be GREAT! Time to myself to do whatever I want, sleep all day, watch TV... etc. Oh wait I am in a 20ft trailer, it's not going to be that exciting. (Speaking of which right now it is past supper I really need to eat something, I am starved!) Ok my belly is full so I am back (did you miss me? :) ) So I called to arrange for my rental car pickup tomorrow, I phoned the other day to make sure that they could pick me up so that I could be at my appt on time, guess what they can't pick me up that early. So I tried to arrange to get picked up today and get the car early. No can do. So I told them to cancel my car. (Probably not the smartest thing to do but I was mad) So now I have no car, I am stuck out in the booneys in a freezing cold trailer with no car and no way to go anywhere. I phoned to book a cab for the morning and they can't guarantee me a time either, I wonder if I am going to make it to my appointment tomorrow? I thought the whole point of booking an appointment was so that they would be there to pick you up? What the heck do I know I have never been in a cab. Joys of growing up in a small town I guess?

Next on my list of things to do was set up my computer to watch the local tv stations... not working people. What the heck am I going to do with out tv? Go freaking insane I figure!!!! I should have brought a freaking tv with me. I tested the computer at home and it was fine but I remember from before that the non-cable television sucks here. Ugg

Well at least one thing went well today. I am actually able to connect my laptop to the net via my cell phone. I think it's pretty cool, but I amuse easily!

So that's it for today! I lead a pretty boring life now don't I. Tomorrow's agenda... get my benefits straightened out, cell phone bill here I come!! YIKES

IVF Thoughts
I have been thinking a lot about how I feel this cycle so here it is:
Hopeful
Cautiously Optimistic
Sad
Happy
Anxious
Uncertain
Not Hopeful
Scared of failure
Wondering if I am temping the IF gods once to often
Nervous
Wondering the why's?
& right now - alone

I think that about covers it. I sometimes wonder why I decided to go down this uncertain road again. Why torment myself anymore? My husband isn't even his normal positive self. Time will tell I guess, one thing I have learned is that what will be will be.

Take care and thanks for the kind comments on my last post... (Haven't spoken to "we win" dude since the "we win" conversation!)