Update...

Thursday
Drove 4 hours to my clinic, got up at 3:45 am. I forgot that fall is upon us so it is staying dark longer. I was almost at my clinic before there was any sign of the sun. I really don't like driving in the dark. I also got to drive through about an hour of fog, another weather condition that I do not like to drive through. (I am kind of picky aren't I! :) ) I couldn't use the cruise control in my parents car (the whole reason for borrowing parents car) as I couldn't find the 'set' button. I don't really like to use cruise unless it's light anyway. So I get to the clinic about a 1/2 hour early, great maybe I will get out of there early. I couldn't get the key out of the ignition, it took me about 10 minutes. You are supposed to push the key in to get it out but there seems to be an issue there (big surprise nothing my parents have ever works right. It took us an hour to get the darn car out of the garage due to issues with keys, locks and garage door openers.)

So I get to the clinic and wait outside until it's open. I am the 2nd person there so I figured I would be out of there fast (ya right!). I knew the blood tests were 1st come 1st serve but I forgot that the u/s's were scheduled. (So they want you at the clinic at 8am even if your appt is 9:30... wtf!) Anyway the girl in front of me, her appt was 8:15am and mine was at 9:15. Lovely! I am there at 7:30 and I have to wait until 9:15 for my 10 sec u/s! I was not happy, why don't they do their u/s's first come first serve too??? It was weird as the gal that was before me waiting outside the clinic and I had a great conversation outside the clinic. The minute we walked through the doors... nothing! What is it a big secret that we are there or what?

Well so the wait began. I knew it was going to be a long one as the 8:15 girl didn't get in until 8:30. So I waited and waited. Finally at about 9:35 they took me in. I was not in 'happy' mode by this time, but what can you do? So Dr. Ouch (she did my nasty retrieval last time) was my dr. of the day (I hate rotating dr's at clinics, but again what do you do?). She goes to insert the u/s probe and can't seem to find where it goes, she was actually grunting (great!). I wanted to say stop playing with that, betcha that would have freaked her out! Like I said I was not in happy mode anymore. Finally she SHOVED the thing in. I have never had such an uncomfy u/s in my entire u/s experience, and trust me I have had a few since 2001! Then she couldn't find my ovary, apparently it decided to play hide and seek and it was on top of my uterus. (Anyone out there had ER with your ovary on top of the uterus please let me know how it went as I am really nervous now since it isn't in the right place. I am going to ask about it my next appt on Sunday).

Well Dr. Ouch, once she went DIGGING (yes digging) for the Ovary tells me that my lining looks good. (I have never had an issue in this dept so I didn't really care at this point, and from my discomfort I could kind of tell it was ok. I get crampy when it starts 'plumping' up!) So great lining good. Then she says ooo you have less follies than last time. I am thinking oh great. Then she tells the nurse to make sure they scan me in the next room next time as this machine isn't the best. (What don't we pay enough for treatment that they can upgrade their crappy machines? There was enough women in the waiting room, which in itself makes me very sad)

So finally she started counting. It ended up that I have 8 follies (one less that last time at this stage, so I don't think her comments were really necessary). I sure hope that I don't get dr. ouch for my next u/s. I was happy to hear that I didn't have to be back until Sunday though!

Oh ya and my DH picked up a new cell phone for be on Wednesday, 1 GB MP3 Phone... cool! (Or so you think...)

Friday
Still tired from Thursday and a little emotional today too, I am blaming the drugs. So I spent some time setting up my new phone today, only to find out that the 1 GB external memory card was actually a 512MB card (about half the size for those that aren't so tech savy). So now it was time to get on that phone. Called my cell carried, that told me to call the store (the gal I bought the phone from didn't even know what a memory stick was, I knew this was going to get bad after this.) Spent my evening trying to explain what was going on, many many calls to/from gal from the store and my cell carrier. What a freaking run around. So now I am supposed to return the phone and get another one but no one seems to have one. I have it already setup for all my drug alarms and my old phone is messed up so going back is not a great option. (The ringer is toast, too many IVF cycles I guess! :)) Did I mention that the software from the phone frigs up my computer too, it won't shut down after connecting the phone to the computer.

Then I get my 'consolidated' bank statements, all 4 of them (They were supposed to be on 1) That's a whole other issue, I have been fighting with the bank for weeks on straightening out the mess they made the last time I opened an account, back in august)

Well for those of you who have been keeping up I had an internal interview for a job I am really hoping to get, they were going to notify me Friday. I logged on to my work email... nothing. So I am not sure if I got the position or not, I would say probably not if I haven't heard.

Then I checked my bank to see what was deposited for my pay (I was supposed to be paid out for vacation in August). Well guess what, they frigged that up too, they paid me more than double what my gross would have been for all of my holiday time not just my time for August. Now I won't be around next week so getting this fixed should be fun! I also was trying to figure out why I am making less money now than before I went on Mat leave and I got a bit of a raise while on leave (figure that one out). Needless to say I found an old paystub and they haven't included some things that were supposed to be on there, like an RRSP deduction. So I should have fun getting that fixed too.

My super fertile friend came over to drop some stuff off. Now we aren't supposed to know she is PG. Well the boyfriend/common law whatever wanted to announce the PG to us. (He also knows that we are in the middle of a cycle). Well their 9 yr old daughter was with them and she doesn't know yet. So this is how he chooses to tell us. You may want to sit down for this one. He says that he has something to tell us. I look all confused, oh really?. He then proceeds to say, you know that thing you are going to do this week. I say yes. The he says... "WE WIN". I am not freaking kidding you! He actually said that, last time I checked super fertile vs. super infertile isn't much of a competition? "We win" I still can't believe he said that! I really need to hang out with more IF'ers. Maybe if we freaking talked at the clinic we could make some new friends!!! :)

Ok already that's enough crap for one day! :)

Saturday
It's early. I still have to pack and get ready to go on my 4 hour trek. With my luck the campground will be shut down early this year. I am going to call before we leave that's for sure!

Take care everyone!

Quote of the day
So if it seems that some of what I'll have to say in the pages to come doesn't reflect the mellowing of age, that's only because I've never found that life and memories respond to time the way that tobacco does.
Caleb Carr, 'The Angel of Darkness', 1997

Another crazy day!

Well tomorrow is my first trip to my clinic. I am planning on getting up around 3am to make the 4 hour journey for my u/s and blood work. Only to turn around and come home. I am hoping that I do not have to go back until Sunday. The next trip I am going down and staying down until we are done! (I did the traveling back and forth last time, I ended up really sick so I said only once this time!) I have to get our trailer packed up and ready to go on Friday and we will either leave Friday or Saturday. My husband & boys will come down for the weekend then head back to work for a couple of days then come back down when his 'donation' is required. It will be hard being away from him and the boys for 3 whole days but I am sure I can manage. I think I am going to try to rent a car while I am down there as rental for 3 days is about the same as gas in my truck and this way I don't have to drive when it's time to go home. (I know how crappy I felt last time after ER, I can't imagine driving for 4 hours after that! :) )

Well this week has been another of 'those' kind of weeks. It started out with a call to make sure my benefits had been reinstated so I can resubmit my prescriptions. Guess what, not fixed, so it was back to work to work on them. So as of yesterday it looks like everything is resolved. So now I just have to wait to see if I get my check or not. I am not holding my breath that it is straightened out yet, I will wait until I get the money. But here's hoping.

Yesterday I had to go in to work as my working remotely thing was sort of cancelled. (A pile of other people in the office do it but apparently I am not allowed.) So my babysitter calls me on Monday night, she is sick and can't come over, normally I wouldn't have worried and I would have just worked from home anyway but I had an internal interview so I had to go in. My poor husband went into work at 1am and came home in time for me to go to work. He is such a dear, and thank goodness for flexible work hours! I called everyone I knew for help, but no one was available. I thought that all the years of going out of our way to help other people would count for something... apparently not. I need to live closer to the hubby's family, they would have lined up to help I am sure! (So my babysitter is feeling better and is taking the boys for me when I head off to my clinic tomorrow, lets pray she doesn't give the boys or I her cold. I almost told her not to worry that I would make other arrangements but I figured I would take my chances.)

Well my internal interview went well, I am very happy about it and really hope I get the position. There was a few things I could have done better, but it has been about 15 years since I interviewed for a position so I figured I did ok anyway. It sounds like a wonderful opportunity. It is a remote position, so theoretically I can work from home... although now it seems like they don't want anyone working from home so who knows. It would be a global position so the hours might be kind of weird so I really hope that doesn't mean I have to be in a work for early morning or late night meetings. Time will tell. I should find out on Friday, wish me luck!

Oh and did I mention not only do I have fertile friends I have fertile family members as well! So here's my morning yesterday, log on to my computer, start up my messaging tool, MIND MY OWN BUSINESS, and start working. All of a sudden, blinkie blinkie, a relative is trying to chat with me. The first thing she says is do you have the SIL's email address. Yes I do so I sent it to her (it's her cousin so it was ok not to ask first! :) ). Then she says did you see my message on MSN? I said no as I have to use a different method at work so I don't see the MSN comments. (All of a sudden red lights in my head start going off... she's PG I bet). Then she says I am 6 1/2 weeks PG. I am so glad that I am not actually looking at her, it's much easier to say 'congrats' on the computer and sound really excited for them than it is too look so happy. I was happy for them but my own personal sadness I am sure was written all over my face. I can't even being to imagine being so excited at 6 1/2 weeks, I wonder if she knows how lucky she is? This is there third. So anyway I said I was at work and had to go. All of a sudden... blinkie blinkie... SIL now has a message. Guess what C is PG. No hello, just Guess what C is PG. Yes I know thank you, that is wonderful for them! Of I went to work again. Well f*ck a duck (thanks fly love that one!) yet another family member has just logged on, found out and decided to share the news. Every half hour yesterday someone just had to share with me!! Ugg! Oh well I just wish her a HH9 months and no issues. Her first PG was 4 years into our IF journey, her 2nd PG was when we started IVF... it just never ends does it! Guess I better get used to it.

I will try to update after my first trip to the clinic. If I can't 'borr.ow' a wir.eless connection I may not be able to update you folks until I get back.

Thanks for being there!

Quote of the day
Love what you do.
Believe in your instincts.
And you'd better be able to
pick yourself up
and brush yourself off
every day.
~ Mario Andretti

One down...

Well my first injection was done yesterday (Friday). I can't believe how much I have changed since I first started with IVF back in 2004. I was freaked out if I had to do my injections anywhere but in the comfort of my home. I was so careful to follow all the instructions on the video that was sent along with my meds.

I had all my 'stuff' and was getting ready to go... of course I forgot to use my alcohol swab to clean off the end of the injection container before I attached the needle. Now last time this would have sent me into a major, and I mean major freak out... OMG I ruined it all... This time I figured hmm, should I just forget about it? So I did and went about my business. During our first fresh cycle I held the needle above my belly for about 5 minutes before I got the nerve to jab it in (man was I a woosey back then! :)). Well I was in a hurry as I had to get back to my desk, so there it was all ready to go, jab it in, push the button and I was on my way... no big deal. I think I should be more concerned that it was no big deal that I just injected myself with some hormone to make me produce more follicles than I really should be. That's the only way to attempt to get a baby around this house so I guess it is our normal.

A note about my fertile friend... Ugg!

Well she called me the other day just to tell me that her brothers wife is PG. (Don't know either one of the personally so I am not quite sure why I really had to know right away?). She is a nice gal but since she has been PG it's like she totally forgot about all our struggles. To top it off her brother and his wife are split up. I think she may of had secondary IF (She has a daughter from a previous relationship). He wanted children but she wasn't willing to seek any treatment so I think that is why they split up but I don't know them so I am not really sure. Anyway they are waiting until the baby is born to find out if it is even his... Apparently she hasn't been so faithful, even when they weren't separated. Oh the tangled webs we weave! Why is it that every time I hear about another PG it feels like I have just been slapped in the face. Not that I begrudge anyone a hard won or easy won PG but it just feels like this constant reminder that I am IF.

I am the friend of choice to 'talk to' when my fertile friend needs an ear. I guess now I have to step up to the plate and be a good friend to her even though it means being there for her during her PG. It seems that us IF'ers talk about our issues if and/or when we get PG but we don't make a big whine about everything. My goodness this friend can whine... oooooo I am sick.... ooooo I am tired (yes everything has an oooooo in front of it, you know one of those whiney ooooOOOooOooo sounds!). I think she is now about 6 weeks so it's going to be a long PG for me...especially if this round doesn't work. Now it's not so very bad as I still have a teeny bit of hope that I could maybe have a successful cycle but I am not sure how I will feel if this cycle doesn't work. Do you think she would notice if I didn't answer my phone anymore? :)


Quote of the day
The time to stop talking is when the other person nods his head affirmatively but says nothing.
Henry S. Haskins

(are you just nodding now? :) )

Take care folks!

My how things have changed...

Well I went for my suppression check u/s today. I guess this thing really getting going, it won't be long now. I wonder when I will actually feel like I am 'on my way' though, still hasn't really sunk in this time.

Anyway back to my title. I went to the U/S clinic that I always go to, since I am out of town from my clinic I get a few things done in the home area before trekking south. Well I went in, they did my u/s, asked a few questions, and said "this has to be to the clinic today right?". Well all be, they must be used to us IVF'ers now as I didn't even have to beg them to get my results to where they need to be as quickly as possible.

Rewind to my first cycle, it seems like a loong time ago but it was only in 04 so really it wasn't that long ago! I remember going in for my U/S a little worried because I new the results had to be into my IVF clinic by the end of day. I explained to the tech that they HAD to be there today, she really wasn't 'getting it' if you know what I mean. So then it lead to 2 stressful days of phone calls between my clinic, & my family doctor to get the paperwork to where it needed to be. (Like I wasn't stressed enough, and I have a really bad track record with lost paperwork... don't we all who have been in the 'system' to long though! Follow-up, follow-up follow-up girls! Trust me on that one!)

The following two cycles there was more begging and pleading too and more calls... well I noticed back in May when I started down this road that it seemed easier. With frozen cycles it's not quite so urgent, and I have seem to have lost my zest for fighting for things to get done. I didn't really take note of it at the time but today I was surprised to know that I really didn't have to say much of anything to get the tech to put a rush on my paperwork. (That being said I haven't heard that my clinic has received it yet so we will just wait and see! :) )

When I first started going to the u/s clinic they hadn't been open for very long so I wondered to myself if I helped 'educate' them in the urgency of these pre-ivf ultra-sounds??? It sounds like they get a few of 'us' through there now, which is kind of sad but at least there is less fighting to get the paperwork to the clinic in a timely manner.

I never thought I would be on a first name basis with all the gals at the u/s clinic I go to!!

IVF Thoughts
Still coasting... since I just found out that I have to go into the office and can't work from home it means that I will probably have to do my first shot in the bathroom at work...... yippee. Oh how far I have come, if this was my first cycle that would have stressed me out for weeks, now it's that whatever attitude. It's gotta be done so I have to deal with it.

So I have my child care lined up for sure now, just have to line-up some accommodations and we will go from there.

I have started with the "OMG it could work" thoughts and the "OMG what am I nuts of course it won't work I will have to do a frozen cycle" thoughts. Of course there is always the "OMG no egg" thoughts and the "No frosties" thoughts to go along with that.

Work and life is keeping me so busy that I am staying pretty stress free so far. (Not that I am convinced that stress has anything to do with a successful cycle since my only successful cycle I have had I was in the deep dark pits of mental hell at that time. Can you believe that I am actually worried that it won't work because I am not in that same frame of mind I was when I had my successful cycle! Just call me SUPER paranoid!)

I should really see if I can get an appt with one of the counselors while I am in the area of my clinic. It may be good to shed some light on this whole IF after a successful cycle... hmm that might just be a plan. It seems other people are better at unraveling my thoughts than I am!

Man are my thoughts all over the place today... I am blaming the drugs for that and this horrible exhaustion I am feeling right now. I am nervous about starting the pu.regon as that usually puts me into an unbelievably tired state. I suppose any day now I will also start worrying about my ER. I am surprised I haven't started obsessing about it already (what happened to my old IVF obsessive ways anyway?). I wonder how I am going to do this time? I am not really sure how I am going to manage taking care of little ones (ya I know boo hoo, you wish you had the same problem... feel free to throw darts) after if I am in as nasty of shape as last time. I haven't really started to worry about that I will just wait and see what happens.

The worst part is when I head off to my clinic I will be cut off from my internet buds (unless of course I can get lucky with my wireless... shhh). I hate that part... I promise I will write my blog while I am away even if I have to publish it all when I get home, but that's at least a week or two away anyway!

So I guess that's my update.

Wishing everyone well

The update... (updated!)

Thanks for all the kind comments... you gals & guy rock!

So here is the update...

Aug 28th - purchased drugs, received drugs 2 days later (got all drugs even ones I didn't need yet so that I would have them.. great!)
Sept 5th - Tried to reverse leave (didn't know about benefits being cancelled yet)
Sept 7th - Started Medication
Sept 8th - Mailed receipts for IVF drug reimbursement (now why couldn't I have forgotten about this?)
Sept 11th - Tried to fill prescription - found out benefits were cancelled July 25th. Almost passed out since I had sent in my receipts
Sept 12th - Found out benefits were cancelled while on personal leave
Sept 12th - Found out only field that can't be reversed on our system at work is Leave of absence. Local assistant decided to leave it at that. I insisted that the issue be escalated. Reluctantly local assistant decided to do so. Contacted Local human resources regarding the issue, told to keep her up-to-date, and not to panic yet... (trying not to panic but a lot of cash is involved)
Sept 13th - no update from assistant
Sept 13th - contacted pharmacy, can't help me out since I sent in the forms, managed to get them to wait until the 21st to bill my credit card
Sept 14th - emailed assistant again, no update... I am getting very nervous, seems like I have been dealing with this for months and it's only a few days!! LOL!

So really not much to report other than the fact I am screwed as far as returning the drugs since I already submitted my receipts. The one time in my life I do something on time and it bites me in the arce!

Rambling on about other stuff
Finally starting to work from home, have some more connection hurdles to deal with. For all you technical people out there it seems as though I have a router problem. The guy from the work help desk tells me to just go by a Linksys router they are only $50 bucks (Ya just what I need to do is spend another $50 bucks right now) So if anyone has a newer Linksys router that they want to donate feel free to email me!! LOL!

Did I mention that all of my friends are UBRA-fertile. One of my good friends just found out she is PG. They decided to start trying about 4 months ago (she was even on depo for about 9 years so I thought she may have some issues, not that I wanted her to). So now her and her boyfriend are expecting, she is 5 weeks, they are talking about names already (can you imagine one of us IF'ers doing that?). She is already whining about all her symptoms, even in a whiney voice too. She knows what we have been through and are currently going through and has been so supportive but now that she is PG it seems as though she has forgotten about how difficult things have been for us in the conception department. I am happy for her and wish her the best. I just wish she could stop with whining. Now just isn't a great time for me to have another good friend who happens to be both fertile and PG. I am weary from the years of infertility and I just hope that we can have success (not that I deserve it any more than any of you) and move on to a life with IF in our rear view mirror instead of the windshield.

Update... Happy Friday news!

They can reverse my leave at work! It may take some time and I will loose some vacation as I have to use more of it than I would have liked (no biggy)! I will have benefits coverage for my drugs!!! Yey! I am incredibly happy, it's a wonderful way to start the weekend!



IVF Thoughts
Oh ya I am doing a fresh cycle aren't I? I barely have the time to stress about it, just the money and drug thing LOL!

I am sort of detached right now, I can't believe I am going through another fresh cycle, it's funny how now this is part of my possible procreation steps.
It should be
a)want a baby
b)have copious amounts of baby making s*x
c)get PG
d)have baby.

Instead it is
a)want baby
b)phone clinic, get put on waiting list
c)order drugs (frig up benefits is optional and not recommended!)
d)snort and jab and visits with the cooter cam and the vampires
e)pray a lot
f)visit the doctor a lot
g)get eggs retrieved by doctor
h)husband gives sample
i) eggs and sample mixed together to hopefully create embryos (pray some more)
j)have doctor shoot embryos back in you
k)get a cool picture
l)suffer through 2 weeks of torture
m)pray you get a positive test
n)start over or get a positive test and worry for the next 9 months
o)maybe have a baby.
(The first one is much easier don't ya think and a weeeee bit cheaper!)

Quote of the day
Courage can't see around corners,
but goes around them anyway.
~ Mignon McLaughlin (The Neurotic's Notebook)

I figured this kind of fit the bill for a lot of the IF'ers I know

Warning kids discussed
Wow back to work. Luckily I have wonderful child care at home for my sweet little men. I have been so exhausted that I haven't been able to put all my energy into them lately and I feel incredibly guilty. I am sad to think that I am not with them every moment of every day... it is eating me up that I went back to work partially for my benefits and we all know how that is going. I am usually a person that stresses obsessively over things I can't control but I am trying so very hard not to do this as it cuts into my quality time with the boys.

I also found out that my one little guy is constipated and has been for a while. He went every other day so I figured it was ok but he would scream as they are so big. I figured he was just a "big" kind of guy so I didn't worry. The screaming has been getting worse so I decided to get him checked out. The poor little man apparently when it's that big it means he is constipated. I cried the other night with him when he had a really big one and I feel so awful. I should have taken him to the dr. sooner (if I had I would have found out about my benefits way before the whole benefit fiasco... karma is getting me I guess). We have been working really hard with him to get more water into him so we can get a little bit of softener into him. I feel so bad that he is and has been suffering due to my lack of knowledge. I know I am not the worst mother in the world but that doesn't make me feel any better.

The boys light up my day when it really sucks I really don't know how I made it through all the schtuff before them? Because of them I don't obsess (now we just have to work on de-stressing a little more) about the little things, because of them I get two little smiles that warm my heart every day, because of them I am truly a happier person.

Some day infertility will just be a nasty battle scar that made me the person I am now. I am going to look forward to that day and keep that in the back of my mind.

Take care of yourselves!

Sick....

I am sick to my stomach. As I was concerned that I may be laid off when I got back to work I got all my drugs for this cycle. What I didn't realize is that as I took an extra month leave my benefits were all cancelled. It was on my leave form but I missed it. Now I am going to have almost $4000 in drug bills that I have to pay for because I got them 3 days early. I am beyond ill. I have no idea where I am going to find that much spare cash. I can't believe how freakin stupid I am for not seeing that on the leave form, had I of realized I would have got the drugs for Sept 1st.

P.S. God if you read blogs please give me the strength to get through the craziness in my life and help me to not be to exhausted so I can be a good mother to my little ones.

Quote of the day
"Learning to be aware of feelings, how they arise and how to use them creatively so they guide us to happiness, is an essential lifetime skill."

-- Joan Borysenko

IVF #2 officially underway!

Sorry I have been MIA life has been crazy these days. I started back to work this week (they are still working out my login details... what a disaster!) I still do not have a placement though so I am very nervous about loosing my job. For now I am employed... and I have a lot of vacation to use up which is another problem from a placement prospective. Ahhh life is what happens when you have OTHER plans (and good ones I must admit!)

Well I started my nasal spray on my dh's birthday (yesterday). I had to go into work (I am supposed to be able to work from home but that hasn't worked out yet due to some issues to do with remote access to work.. gotta love technology!). Anyway I managed to remember all my sniffy stuff but I forgot to wish my hubbs a happy birthday. I felt so bad :(

We are still waiting to hear about the house that may be going up for sale that we may buy... Life stuff is making me so tired that the IVF stuff seems so far away. It won't be long though now that we have started the first phase of the drugs. I am not really worried about the injections this time, I guess there is something good about being a newbie. And this time I will not be surprised about the prog suppositories as I already know about them. Ya when I was a newbie I didn't know about those, I was mortified the day of my ret when I found out about them! LOL! Of all things to be mortified about, I picked the suppositories!

I am not sure if I am hopeful for this cycle? I just hope that before we run out of embies that I am lucky enough to get PG.... But isn't that what we all hope for?

On a child care note it looks like my Aunt (bless her heart & willingness to travel) will do whatever she needs to, to help us out for ret. & transfer. The rest of the time I guess I will be sans hubby as I just can't bring myself to take the boys to the clinic. I would hate me if I was waiting and some idiot came in pushing a double stroller. If I was the waiter instead of the double stroller pushing crazy lady I would have wondered what the hell someone with twins is doing in a fertility clinic. See I am a bad person! LOL (I am sure many of you would understand, you are just so much better people than I was during my primary infertility battle.) They need secondary IF clinic days I think!

On top of everything else I have found myself some 'extra' work, which will help finance the latest IVF. (Not sure when I am going to work on it though??? I am worried about working to hard and getting my self sick. I was sick for my 1st IVF and retrieval was no fun with a cold and low oxygen stats!)

I will try to keep more up-to-date, I am sure it will take a while to get into my new routine with being back at work.

Luck and success to all!

Take care