Waiting... and other things...

You know that feeling when you get really really excited because so many wonderful things have the potential of happening. The one that makes you feel all anxious... I have been living that for about a week now. This is a great feeling other than the fact that I cannot sleep at night so now I am exhausted. If only I could 'shut down' at night!

I have been deliquent in reading posts lately. I have been doing some 'side work' for a friend that has been keeping me very busy in my very little down time, the time I use for blog reading. I will try to catch up very soon!

I got a call from my clinic yesterday, my meds are on the way! Start date Sept 7th! I am already stressing about my visits to the clinic, as I am 4 or so hours away I have to go stay there for a while. My next issue is child care. I am so against taking kids to a fertility clinic but I don't know what I am going to do for child care. To top it off when I go for ER and Txfr I will need to find someone to look after the boys. I had a friend that originally said she would do it for me, but now she is going to be busy around that time... ugg. Needless to say it's over a month away and I am already stressing. I have lousy 'real' friends and we won't even talk about the family. LOL!

On top of everything else we have a realtor coming to appraise our house today. We are waiting to hear about a home that may be coming up for sale in Sept, if it works out we could be moving in the middle of all this craziness. We had a nightmare of a time the last time we sold a house so the idea of doing this again doesn't thrill me at all. We really hope this house works out for us it would be a wonderful move.

I should update you on work. I am supposed to go back on Friday... I will know on Thursday if they actually have a position for me. They don't have anything locally so they are currently trying to setup some remote work for me. I am really hoping that they find some remote work, that would mean no commute and dressing in jeans EVERY day! So this too could work out great!

So now I wait for the sky to start falling I guess!

IVF Thoughts
Sometimes I wonder if I have gone crazy, this is going to be so much more complicated than last time. What am I thinking... oh ya I want another baby. If it works nothing else matters!

Quote of the day
Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done and why. Then do it.
Robert Heinlein (1907 - 1988)
- More quotations on: [Experts]

Take care everyone

Holly smokes I got the call...

Yes ladies it's official I am signed up for IVF#2! I must be crazy! Retrieval was really nasty for me last time (drug free as they couldn't get the IV in my teeny little veins!). I also over stimulated but no one told me (I kind of figured it out though.)

This is weird though, I got the call on the boys 13 month birthday (note the 3), I would start my meds on my Hubbies birthday and the estimated transfer date is my birthday, which also happens to be Thanksgiving in Canada. To many weird date things going on there we had to accept the cycle!

Now I just pray I have a job to go back to. If not I am going to have to go beg on the streets at lunch hour or something! :)

I couldn't sleep last night I feel like a newbie again, all excited and hopeful! I don't have to many expectations of a fresh cycle though as I only had success with a frozen cycle.

So anyway here goes nothing... oh but a bunch of money! :)

Quote of the day
One never knows what each day is going to bring. The important thing is to be open and ready for it.
Henry Moore (1898 - 1986)

And now I wait... will I get the call this month?

Well CD1 was Friday. I was disappointed as I thought maybe this time. I keep holding on to the hope that it could happen, it happens to others after IVF why not me? So I called into my clinic and now I wait to see if I get a call for a fresh cycle or not. The waiting, wondering etc. is so frustrating, you would think when you call and ask questions that they could at least tell you where you are in the wait list. I really dislike my clinic right now.

I called last week to make sure my paperwork was all in order (I don't want to miss the opportunity for a cycle if it comes up and I have a really bad track record with paperwork getting to where it needs to be.) So after 2 days they finally call back and I get someone that sounds like they know what they are talking about but guess what. I have company (the mother.. ugg) and can't talk so no questions from me. My paperwork is in order however so I guess that is good.. right! So now I will just wait ever so patiently and see (patiently, I don't think so!)

So with CD1 so came the wave of anxiety, it wasn't so bad this time, but of course my hubby decided to be an arce this weekend. So much for a small attack, I am in the middle of another full fledged anxiety attack. Well I know that it will be gone soon, by the weekend I should feel much better. I am hanging on, it's going to be a rough ride but it will be over soon.

When I am done with this rotten uterus I would be more than happy to donate it to science! Look I still have a sense of humor, that has to be good right?

Still haven't heard back from work, I have called twice and no call returns yet... ugg

IVF Thoughts
I think I covered that above. One more thing to add, what am I freaking crazy going through all this again? Yes I am! :)

Quote of the Day
I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.
-Mother Teresa (1910 - 1997)

Warning Kids discussed
Wow, 2 one year olds that don't understand NO can be really interesting. I find now that I spend most of my day trying to redirect the boys to their toys, instead of the Phone and other things that just don't seem that interesting to me? It would be so interesting to really get a good look at what goes through their cute little heads.

It is so important to baby proofed now, I am so worried that they are going to do something that may hurt them. I worry so much about leaving them in someone elses care, will they watch them as much as they need to. Will they treat them correctly? Will they keep them safe and be kind to them as there are some frustrating days? And I thought I worried a lot during my PG! HA that was nothing!

Take care everyone!

Irony...

Do you think it's a sign that I am done? I figure I would be be done with this journey if I ever got to see the two lines. So I am cleaning out my bathroom cupboard yesterday and I find my negative pee stick from my last FET. Well low and behold for the first time ever a pee stick with two lines is in my house! (Now I know why those things have time limits!)

So now I wonder... is this a sign that I should give up? Or is it a sign of things to come? I have always leaned toward the side that ALL pee sticks are evil so maybe it is time to give up on ever being PG again.

It was kind of cool to see two lines, I just wish it wasn't on an old used test! :)

I am still waiting for the wave, it's still off in the distance, maybe it won't come to shore this month? (I really need to learn to surf!)

Quote of the day
The advice of friends must be received with a judicious reserve; we must not give ourselves up to it and follow it blindly, whether right or wrong.
Pierre Charron

I can feel it coming...

I can feel it coming, the wave. The bad wave the wave of anxiety. It's off a ways but I know it's coming. The lovely cramping comes with it, I guess that means another unsuccessful natural cycle is almost over.

The stress of work and my mother issues is making it worse. I just wish I could divert the wave and make it go away. I know it's coming though so it's time to brace myself. It's time to keep myself safe, insulated from more stress, just for a little while until it passes. I have one thing I have to deal with this week, calling to talk to them at work, and that will hopefully be it.

So now I just wait for the wave... getting PG would have been so much easier! :)

--

Thanks for all my comments on my last post. I really appreciate all the kind words from everyone. You ladies are the best! Unfortunately I do not think there is a whole lot I can do about work but hope that it works out for the best in the end. I will keep you all posted on the progress.

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Sorry my blog posts have been so few and far between lately. Trying to keep up reading everyones blogs has slowed down the progess on my own blog. I am just going to have to sleep less I guess! :)


Quote of the day
You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh - it's as simple as that.
Jay Leno (1950 - ), O Magazine, February 2003

IVF Thoughts
Waiting, worrying, obsessing, wishing, praying, you gals know the drill. We even bought a lottery ticket as there was a big draw, some extra money would be nice!! :)

Warning kids discussed
With the wave coming I hang on to the smiles of my little men. They are the light of my life and make even the bad days better. I am really not looking forward to having to go back to work and being away from them. It brings a tear to my eye to know that I can't be with them every moment. We waited for so long to bring them into our lives, stepping away even for short moments just breaks my heart. I want to watch every moment, see every new discovery, be with them as they grow and change each day. I want to be able to pick them up and hug them every chance I get. I just want to be with them.

Feeling ill...

Well in my last post I mentioned that I was going to be going back to work, so I contacted my employer just to remind them that I am scheduled to come back in September. I have a really bad feeling about this and I am wondering if I will have a job to go back to.

Well in Canada we are entitled to a year mat leave (I know poor me) and they are supposed to have a job for you when you get back. Unfortunately my company has found a way to get around that. Now I have never heard of it happening to anyone but for some reason I feel like I am going to be the first. Almost 20 god darn freaking years and this is what I get?

I will not be going back to the site I was on so if they find me a new position elsewhere that means that my 30 minute commute (each way) just turned into a min. of an hour (each way). They have been hiring like mad on my old site, hmmm they don't have room for me? Sounds more like they don't want me. Makes me feel like I was just kicked. I worked my arse off when I was there and I was good at my job. Some jackarce that is a butt kisser and is never at his desk actually working took over my position and that really makes me feel like crap.

But the most upsetting thing is if I don't have a job to go back to I loose my drug coverage IVF. Another fresh cycle was bad enough but to add on the cost of drugs and no job it seems like the cost may be out of reach (insert me having to listen my mother WHINE about the extra $20,000 for her holiday in Sept and watch me go crazy). I am devastated

I won't actually know forsure until the day I go back. I am starting to look for a new job tomorrow just in case but Fertility drug coverage is scarce and you usually have to work at a place 3 years before it kicks in, so I am screwed either way.

I just don't know what to do but cry... this could be the end of my want to expand my family.

Clinic frustrations

Hey there, well it looks like things may be starting to go the right way in blog land. Stop over and check out Fly's photos. I sure hope we see more of that around here soon!

I would also like to thank Thalia for this interesting post, if I ever get lucky enough to get PG again I will keep this in mind, as the guilt thing has always bothered me. I just hope that some day we all have migrated to kid blogs instead of all these IF blogs. It makes my heart sad that so many are suffering.

Well I had a friend come over last night with her two kids, 3 and 10months old. So she knows about our fertility issues and our recent failed FET. So what does she say, ss her very undisciplined 3 year old terrorizes my house? "Aren't you glad your last cycle didn't work?" Are you freakiing kidding me? I didn't even have a good answer for that one, no quick comeback... just silence, lots of silence. Finally I just said NO I am not glad that it didn't work (eventhough your 3 year old seriously needs some discipline.) The whole time I am thinking that maybe if you followed through on your "no don't do that" maybe, just maybe he may be a little better. Just a hunch but I think the kid has her trained, he whines, she gives in? Pay now or Pay later seems to come to mind? Boy I don't want to be around during the later.

And this is why I have given up on any support from my friends that don't live in my computer! LOL!

IVF Thoughts
I think that I am really getting concerned with my clinic. I called the other day to check to see if they have been getting my paper work (I have had issues before so I thought I would be pro-active) and find out what the waiting list is like. I swear they would do better with trained monkeys than some of the people that answer the phones there. DAH hello you work in a Fertility clinic at least know more than I DO for FRICKS sakes!

So anyway back to my rant. I called left my message and waited for the clinic to call me back. I asked about my paperwork and it just went downhill from there. I wanted to check about my blood test results I told her that they won't have my u/s results yet. So what does she say? We don't have your u/s results... Knock knock anyone home, isn't that what I just said. So I figured I would cut her some slack maybe she didn't hear me correctly. She then said to me that they didn't have my FSH, oh wait maybe we do, but it's from way back in July (hmmm I only cycle once a month and given that it is just August chances are that's not from WAY back?) Then she said that they didn't have my hubbys S/A. I am just about to freak out as I called in May and asked if he needed one since it was scratched off the list I sent them, now we need one? WTF... Then she said if the dr. didn't want them then I guess it doesn't matter? I guess she didn't have a copy of the list. So finally I asked her about my FSH, I wondered what it was. She told me it was 5.7, so now it's been a while since I have been through a fresh cycle and I didn't really know those numbers the last time (newbie, didn't know what the heck I should know about anything back then). So I asked her if that was good, she didn't know. Yes a nurse at the Fertility clinic didn't know what good FSH was. So finally she said I think anything under 7 is OK. (It's pretty bad when dr. google and the girls in blog land know more!)

My next question was about the waiting list... big surprise she didn't know (gosh I hope this was a temp just filling in for the day). So I have no idea where I am in the wait list or when I could possibly get a call for a fresh cycle.

I no longer have any confidence with the clinic. I really am not sure if I really want them to be taking care of my precious eggs and our even more precious embryos. I wish they were not the only clinic around. I am so darn frustrated.

Quote of the day
We all carry around so much pain in our hearts. Love and pain and beauty. They all seem to go together like one little tidy confusing package. It's a messy business, life. It's hard to figure--full of surprises. Some good. Some bad.
Henry Bromel, Northern Exposure, The Big Kiss, 1991

Warning kids discussed
I now live in a gated community. The boys are certainly on the move since they started crawling so for their own safety we have put up the gates!

On another note, less than a month before I go back to work now. I would do anything to be a SAHM. It just seems that everything, living expense wise, keeps going up and going up and our wages don't go up. I live in an oil rich province that is booming, jobs everywhere, yet due to the cost of living we still aren't getting ahead. Did I mention that I live in an oil rich province yet our gasoline is around 5.22 a gallon?

I am Canadian and I am going to be taxed until I die and even when I die! LOL!

Take care

A better day...

Well finally the anxiety attack decided to float off for another day. It ended the last day of my cycle... Coincidence, I think not! After that I have one really awesome day then a couple days of depression, then back to normal! So normal I am, well as normal as I get. So now I wait for the next one.

Unfortunately the timing was off for my good day, so instead of enjoying my first day off since May scrapbooking I spent it in bed recharging. I am not happy about that but there is always another day to scrapbook I guess!

IVF Thoughts
Still waiting to hear from my clinic, my last test is next week... the wanding, my favorite one (ok maybe not!) I am hoping to get a call for a round at the beginning of my next cycle.

So what's swimming around my head? I am terrified that we are going to spend all that money again and it will not work, but I think that is a pretty basic fear for all us IVF'ers. Then there is always the thought that something bad will happen even if I am lucky enough to get a positive result. Two of my cycle buddies from before both got lucky enough to get PG a second time and they both are currently miscarrying. They both had boys first, and I read somewhere that if you have a boy first that your chances of miscarrying are higher. Great something else to worry about. So basically it's all the same stuff as the first time with some additional stuff I didn't know/think about the first time around. Knowledge is not always a good thing.

Something tells me that if I do actually manage to get PG I will not feel any better than I did last time. I will worry to much and not enjoy just being PG enough. So if I do ever get PG again, I will allow myself to be neurotic for the first 12 weeks then after that I must enjoy! I am going to hold myself to that one if it ever happens!

Sometimes I feel like I have used up my IVF luck and just move on, I wish it was just that easy.

To all my friends out there who are currently in the 2ww I wish you all success, more of us need to get out of this IVF/IF hell!

Quote of the day
You are not here merely to make a living. You are here to enable the world to live more amply, with greater vision, and with a finer spirit of hope and achievement. You are here to enrich the world. You impoverish yourself if you forget this errand.
Woodrow Wilson (1856 - 1924)

Warning kids discussed
They still can't wave bye bye yet but they are crawling! Good for babies, scary for mom. I guess it's past time to child proof the house! They both started within 5 minutes of each other and the next day they were both off. It's fun to call them and watch them go.

I am afraid to socialize them now as they might take toys from the other kids too!

Take care