They are back....

They are back and back with a vengeance! I used to have these episodes, I think they may be panic attacks or anxiety attacks but I am not sure. I haven't had one since Nov 04. It seems that my successful IVF cycle sent them packing. I haven't had one since, but they are starting to come back. On Sunday I could feel one starting to come on and by Monday it was here. I got so used to them that I could function, at the basic level anyway but it has been so long I forgot how difficult they can be. Of course now I can't just curl up in bed and sleep until they pass.

I am so frustrated that they are back, between that and the nasty depressing PMS that has also reared it's ugly head I am quite the mess. I spent about 5 years with some of this, then I had to have one ovary removed and then it got really bad. Sometimes I wonder if my hormones are so screwed up that is why I am suffering from IF (although I couldn't get PG the 5 years of trying before the surgery so I guess that's doubtful)

I just wish I could get PG and be done with this IF stuff (other than the scars of course... but that will always be with me) and then take care of myself for a change. I am so sick of the grip that IF has on my life. I am frustrated that things have to be so freaking difficult on top of our IF struggles. I worry that all this craziness is making me strong for something horrible that is to come. I just want to end this battle with IF and FREAKIN WIN... but don't we all

On another note, sorry I haven't been posting as frequently it seems like I spend most of my spare time trying to keep up with your blogs...

Quote of the day
Fear does not have any special power unless you empower it by submitting to it.
Les Brown, Communication Bulletin for Managers & Supervisors, June 2004

Warning kids discussed
How to feel like a terrible mother... go to the pediatrician.

So the boys had their one year appt this week. Nothing to report there. They are a little behind but that's what I expected (yes makes me feel like a bad mom, like I could be doing more, but with 2 sometimes it's just exhausting). Then he tells me to throw their bottles away, yup throw them away, cut them off cold turkey, just feed them out of a cup.

Using my better judgment I decided not to throw them away but try the cup. OMG it was horrible, we kept trying and trying, they were screaming and chocking and just generally sad. I was upset, their father was ready to thump the dr. They don't have the development to hold a cup and feed themselves yet. I suppose that's my fault? So to feed both of them at once with a cup seemed like such a daunting task. The dr. says that when they throw it on the floor they are done. Not done just unhappy and hungry. I tried for a couple of days because I really thought they would adjust to the cup but it was getting worse. So yesterday I tried a sippy cup, that went a little better and a few less tears. Between the craziness of trying to cut them cold turkey off of the bottle and my anxiety attack I am just a big old mess. Last night I broke down and gave them their bottles before bed... now I feel like I have undone all the work we have done. I am exhausted and feel like I have no clue what I am doing, I feel like I haven't been teaching my boys the skills they need to hold a cup and drink from it. They are so sweet and usually so happy and now I have made them so sad... and the screaming has hit new levels in the high pitch world.

I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know what to feed them. I can't seem to make the dr's plans work for us? I just want to cry, I feel so bad that I don't know what to do.

Take care

It's official I no longer have a mother...

It has been one heck of a week for me. I have declared that the nasty woman to whom I may biologically related to is no longer my Mother. She is just mean, nasty, uncaring and the opposite of what a mother should be. I shouldn't have to put up with it anymore, I expect more out of my friends. So there I don't have a mother anymore... we just share genetics (which is bad enough in itself!) I will not take away my children's grandparents though so she can still be there Grandmother.

I will not let her hurt me ANYMORE. Say what you want do what you want you are NOT my mother so it doesn't matter.

So what happened? I was sitting at home minding my own business on Monday and guess who shows up at the door. I was trying to get some scrapbooking done and house cleaning etc. so I was a little miffed that she didn't call first. She just sits and sits and sits when she comes and it's like she is never going to leave. One of these days I am just going to get up and leave the room. I should have done that this week when she came over.

Well it started with the family reunion that we aren't going to. All of a sudden it's a big panic for me to meet my Dads family, some of which live in my home town. (What happened that it is so important now, they never made the effort my entire life, now all of a sudden it's the end of the world that we aren't going.) The only reason she wants us to go is to show of HER grandchildren. Well they are display items or a IVF freakshow thank you very much. It's all about what she can get out of it for herself. So anyway she comes over, wakes up one of the boys, and then starts crying. (I don't like to get upset in front of my boys if I can avoid it as they are still to little to understand and they don't need that crap anyway). So the tears come and she basically tries to guilt me into coming. Oh if Dad knew that she was saying anything he would divorce her (that would probably not be a bad thing for him!). She is all about exaggeration and dramatics, I know better so I didn't fall for her crazy behavior. She has always been successful before in guilting me into stuff, but it's time I stood up for myself and stick to my guns. We are not going (not that I really care that much one way or another, but the fact that she has been pestering me about it since APRIL, and she is relentless. Even after I have said no many many many times she continues to scratch until she has made a scab and still she continues to scratch. No means no and she needs to learn that, she is like a spoiled child who when she can't get her WAY she will take any means to try to get her way. If she would have left us alone after I said no the first time we may have considered going but this constant "scratching" is really P*ssing me off!) Needless to say she is still pissed at me.

Well after all that talk about the reunion. I told her we had our own stuff going on. I finally broke down about our latest failed cycle, and this is when I decided I do not have a mother! After I told her about my cycle, there was no sorry, it's too bad, there was nothing but a stupid comment. Well you have two what's your problem, can't you just be thankful for that? Then she goes on to say that SHE wanted 4 kids and she could only have one. (Hmm were we talking about HER? I don't think so. I guess I am not entitled to have more because she couldn't. I told her we were contemplating another Fresh cycle... she didn't even care. It was all about her. I finally got so mad when she said that I should be thankful for what I have. I told her that she obviously doesn't have a clue (this is someone who had secondary infertility... I thought she would 'get it'). I told her that I thank god every day that I was lucky enough to have had one of the successful cycles. I told her that doesn't mean that I shouldn't be entitled to have another. What I wanted to tell her is to get the frig outta my house, and I should have done so!

After this point I decided that she is not my Mother in a mothering sort of way, and it was almost freeing. The years of critisim, the years of yelling, the years of thinking I wasn't good enough, the years of wishing I could please her, the years of tears, my low self esteem, the pain in my heart, the nastiness that is her... are gone. Just that easy, none of it matters anymore.

I have my family, I have the loves of my life, I have a very special man that makes me feel like I matter. I don't need her, I don't need her crap effecting me anymore. She is not going to ruin my boys 1st birthday, she cannot take that away from me, I will not let her take any of the important moments away from me anymore. I will be a better person in spite of her. I will not let her negativity destroy me .

I am finally free!

IVF Thoughts
Ooo landmark time... failed cycle 100! Still waiting for those monkeys to fly out of my butt!

CD1, time to call my clinic. I go for my day 3 FSH on Sunday and my U/S in early August. (I suppose they will call to offer me a cycle this month since I don't have my paperwork all done... ugg!)

Quote of the day
Love much. Earth has enough of bitter in it.
Ella Wheeler Wilcox

(I thought this was appropriate)

Warning Kids discussed

It's here, the day I have dreaded and thought about for such a long time. The final decorations are ready to be done, and the final preparations are about to start. My little men are 1 today. Last night I thought about the day before they were born. I was off for my weekly dr's appointment, only to be put in the hospital for protien in my urine. It was about 2 weeks before I wanted to deliver. My poor old body just could hack it any more, and the 50lbs I gained in the last two weeks were more than my feet could handle, actually more than I could handle. I was both excited and scared. I thought maybe I could wait a little longer in the hospital. Ya right. We had to go all the way home and get my 'bag', and pack it too. There was tears of joy and fear, and one last belly photo! I remember sitting on my bed in the hospital, my hubby had gone to find himself something to eat, crying. A very young nurse came in and was worried. I said I am ok, I was just very overwhelmed. I surely wasn't ready! She stayed with me a while until the hubby returned. She was so sweet. That night I had nasty nasty heartburn, there wasn't much sleep to be had. An on call dr. came to see me, her english SUCKED. She ordered me something for breakfast. The nurse felt bad. I should have grabbed my stuff from home before I left. I was glad my hubby stayed the night. The next morning I was sent for a U/S. 2 hours on my back was torture! (Not to mention all the Non-stress tests the night before, one of the monitors had an 'issue' with the cord. I kept telling them to get a new one, finally they did. Instead of the 20 minute test, they turned into 2 hours each)

I was 'done' by this point, my dr. came in and offered me 2 choices, induce or c-section. I was going to go for the induce thing but we ended up with an emergency c-section.

I had started shaking before I entered the room. I couldn't stop it, I thought it was nerves but it turned out that it wasn't. They got things going, then I hear 'Oh crap I nicked her bladder, so that kind of distracted me which was ashame. They had to push one fella back in as they were both trying to get out at the same time. I guess they had enough too!

But then I heard a cry, it's a boy, it's a boy (just that quick). The world stopped for a moment in time. I will never forget just how lucky I felt at that moment.

I saw one of the boys, but not the other... the nurses are much better at presenting babies to strapped up moms then Dad's are. No worry I would get to see him after I got out of recovery. I never did get to see the little fella until the next day due to complications and a 2 day stay in recovery. The first time I held them I couldn't believe it.

The first few months were hard but every time I started to get frustrated I just remembered how bad we wanted this and it helped.

Fast forward.... they are a year old today. My perfect little men. They have grown so much, learned so much and they are loved so very much. I cherish every moment I spend with them. I am so very lucky.


If you are reading this and haven't 'arrived' yet. I hope to be reading your story on your blog one day very soon. I think of everyone who hasn't had this opportunity yet many times when I look at my boys. I wish you all the happiness and joy that I have found in my life.

Take care

A weekend away...

Well last weekend we headed out camping. It was a pretty good weekend, except our friends daughter. Here let me explain.

Our friends daughter lets call her NB (for nasty bag) calls me every now and again. Well NB has severe PCOS. (I am not sure how severe it is though as far as I know if you have a bad case of PCOS it is very difficult to get PG... but what do I know I am not a dr.) So lets go back a few years, she gets married, wants to get PG right away as hubbs is a little older than her. Doesn't get PG in 2 months, runs to dr., does clomid for 2 months (Due to the severe PCOS??) and whamooo she gets PG. How wonderful for her, that is great news. Well she would NEVER go on clomid again as it's to hard (man I think there is a lot of girls out there who would give to get PG after 2 rounds of clomid!). Ok fine that's her business. She knows about our infertility, according to her, she knows exactly how we feel (hmm 2 months of clomid vs. 10 years IF with 3 years of Clomid on and off and a couple of failed IVF cycles... ya I am sure she totally gets it. *note the sarcasm! LOL*) Personally myself I don't know how people feel as we all go through some of the same emotions but every journey is different... whatever!

She used to call me every now and again when she was PG the first time... before I had success with IVF. It was kind of difficult to talk to her but I managed to muddle through. Well back in December she went off the pill and got PG the very first month (I guess I don't know much about PCOS). So what does she do? Picks up the phone to call me? WTF? She had moved I thought I wouldn't have to ever deal with her again. Now I am happy that she didn't have any troubles this time, she on the other hand is p-oed that she got PG (well I think staying on the pill would have solved that now wouldn't it??). I am thinking to myself, now if it was me would I call up someone I know that went through 10 years of IF and haven't talked to since I was PG the last time and whine about being PG? (I don't think so) So since DEC she calls every now and again to let me know whats going on with her PG... mostly complain. WTF? I also get to hear about how hard PG is on her... she's talking to someone who was on bedrest for 3 months and had to be in the hospital for 12 days after delivery due to complications... and NEVER complained and WOULDN'T change it for anything and WOULD even do it all again.

Well last Thursday she called again (lately I have been screening my calls from her, especially since the last failed cycle.. ugg). She is going on and on about her PG and complaining about getting PG before she was ready and that she really only wanted an only child. Finally I can't take it anymore. I said to her, we just had another failed cycle and I just can't hear about your PG anymore. So of course what is her comment? Well you have two already so why are you so upset? You are lucky to have what you have. (NO SH*T... ya think I don't know that?) *THUD* Then back to her PG again. So then I got off the phone as quickly as possible!

So you would think that would have been the end of that? Well this is where the weekend comes in.

We went camping with her parents, they don't live around her parents anymore so I figured it would be safe. Well guess who's hubby had a golf tourney at the same lake... ugg! After the golf tournament they had a supper so I was hoping we wouldn't see them as her parents were in a different area of the campground then we were. Well I must have done something to annoy Karma because guess who turned up for a visit during our campfire. Of course she has the big PG belly that I long for. Well what does she do the entire time, rub her belly and do the oooo it moved and grab it. Yup I really must have pissed of karma... was it that dime I found on the sidewalk last week that I picked up? Was it for someone else! LOL! Now I don't begrudge anyone for being PG, but when you know the problems we have had please don't rub your belly in my face! And it was in my face as I was sitting in a lawn chair and she was standing beside me (She probably thought I was horrible for not offering up my lawn chair so she could sit down.) Oh yes so she was even bitching about the 'mother with child' parking at walmart and that people with toddlers shouldn't park there so that PG women could. I told her one of my infertile friends parks in those spots... I don't think she was impressed! Last I heard walking a little won't kill ya when you are PG unless you have issues?

So that was my weekend. I was almost in tears when she left... I thought she was very cruel especially since a few days earlier I told her I can't deal with PG women right now due to my recent failed cycle. I did manage to feel a little better the next day and was glad that they left and didn't come to visit again.

Quote of the Day
Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.
Martin Luther King Jr. (1929 - 1968)

Warning kids discussed
Well the dreaded and celebrated 1st birthday is upon us. I am getting ready for the boys 1st birthday... It is kind of bittersweet. Exciting, yet sad. I can't believe that a year has gone by already. I can't believe that they are 1. It feels like my PG was just a short blip in time, like it didn't really happen. Thank goodness for pictures or I would never believe it. So the invitations have been sent, I made each one by hand and the decorations are ready to go. I have two cakes that I made from scratch in the freezer waiting for me to decorate later this week. I have lists of things I need to do and after Friday it will all be done and it will be done. I am looking forward to it in a way and dreading it in another. I am planning on enjoying every minute as I know that there will only be one first birthday! If I have learned something from my PG is that you must enjoy the moment because it will not last long! I plan to take a zillion photos and some video to. I want this moment to last forever in my mind.

On another note camping went well this time. The boys are a little older and more used to the trailer. I am glad it went well and I think they enjoyed it. I finally figured out what language my oldest speaks... crow. Yes I said crow. It was so funny, there was two crows, the first would squack, the second would squack, then my oldest would squack. This went on for quite some time it was so cute. There was a childrens festival at the market nearby. We took the boys, there was a petting zoo. They loved the baby goats, and there was a little cow too! It was funny to watch the boys giggle! When we got back to the campground there was wagon rides going through, pulled by 2 big horses. We took the boys out when they went by and once they stopped so the boys could pat the horses. They really enjoyed that. It was so kind of the people driving the wagon to stop. I think they really had a good time, it makes me happy to know that they are happy!

Take care

Primary vs. Secondary Infertility...

First I would like to thank My Reality for the kind words over at her blog! I always feel so extra special when one of you gals mentions me on your blog! :)

As for the weather here, it has finally cooled off to a bearable temp. and we have had some rain for our poor grass!

So on to today's post, here is what will hopefully be a somewhat comical view of Primary vs. Secondary infertility.

After 6 months TTC
Primary(P): Oh it will happen, our timing is just off
Secondary(S): 6 months... I don't think so. I phone the fertility clinic to get on the waiting list for a cycle 4 months before I am ready to try again!

After a year TTC
P:Starting to get worried
S:Ya as if I would try for a year on my own to TTC after 10 years of IF!

First IVF Cycle (we skipped IUI's - aren't we lucky? :) )
P:Well it's going to work the first time
S:Fat chance of it working but hopefully there will be some frosties

First failed Cycle
P:Not to happy, but we have some frosties so it will work next time.. right?
S:(in the immortal words of Fly)Well fuckaduck! It worked once before so now I have hope that maybe it may work again

Second failed Cycle
P:devastated... failure is not an option I want to be PG
S:Cry a little then go hold the product(s) of your only successful 'go'

A BFP
P:No way... don't believe you, better test my blood again. It can't be happening
S:Ya and I believe in the tooth fairy too! (By the way where is my darn cash from my freaking wisdom teeth, ya owe me for 4 you sill beeaaach! :) )

Thoughts on PG
P:OMG I am actually PG, I better worry for a few months, oh finally I feel better, then I go to classes for Multiple births... time to worry for the rest of the PG. Afraid to look at baby stuff, afraid to buy baby stuff, it may jinx the PG you know. Finally by 2 onesies and borrow two cribs, then bedrest and no shopping. Have almost nothing before babies are born. Read a lot, just in case, since you know nothing
S:Well it happened once, does that mean it will happen again? Oh ya and everyone knows that a successful round of IVF cures IF so I am going to get PG soon... right?

Stupid Comments from Stupid people
P:Go home and cry, cut oneself off from the world
S:I have had it with people who don't 'get it'. If you don't 'get it' shut your mouth... I actually have comebacks for some of them now. It's kind of like a game to see how far I can get someone's jaw to drop! Well I might as well have some fun! LOL. (Watch it I bite now)

Baby/PG mother parking
P:I HATE people who park there, I hate that the parking is there... Park as far away as POSSIBLE
S:Still hate the people that park there, oh frig I use them darn stalls now. Crap I am making some other infertile feel like crap... hang my head low and hope no one notices I have twins. (Ya right)

Other people's Baby Showers
P:Ya as if I am going to put myself through that (I applaud all of you out there who do... big hug for the torment you have to endure)
S:Went to one, still felt like crap, not going to another, just going to send a gift

Baby stuff in stores
P:Is there a baby section at Walmart? Never noticed, stay the heck away!!!
S:A frig I have to shop there and now all that crap is in my house!

Baby stuff in my house
P:I don't freaking think so... keep them darn babies out too (unless of course you are infertile then I can deal a little better)
S:Oh My I have a house full of stuff I was 'afraid of'... They grow out of it so fast, now I have to pack it up. Will I ever use it again? Will I jinx myself if I keep it? Should I get rid of it, will that help me get PG? It is overwhelming how quickly you have to pack stuff up... what to do with it as I can't bear to be reminded that I may never have another baby

Thoughts on Secondary Infertility
P:What the heck are they whining about? They got PG once, what I wouldn't do to get PG once. (Ok so now I am paying for that lousy attitude!LOL I feel so guilty now for ever feeling that way... I guess 11 or so years of IF makes ya a little grumpy!)
S:OH now I get it! I GET IT. I GET IT. Please forgive me and let me be PG again... really I do GET IT! :)

The nurses at my IVF clinic
P:Oh I don't need to talk to the dr. a nurse is fine!
S:I want to talk to a dr. you idiot!

Thoughts on my IVF clinic
P:They are so kind and caring
S:Been there done that, been there heard that... frig off and leave me alone (Yup evil and bitter... lol)

Thoughts on trying again
P:Once I get PG it should be easy to have another
S:Still waiting for them monkeys to fly outta my butt! :)

Failed cycles
P:end of the world, devastated, pain, crying, blaming, what am I going to do, I really want this, how can I fix this?, what's wrong with me?, what did I do wrong?, what did I do to deserve this?... you know the rest
S:Hold my son's and be ever so thankful that I was one of the lucky ones, I hit the jackpot... this is bearable this time around. It's not fun but it's bearable

As Forrest Gump would say... that's all I have to say about that

IVF Thoughts
Playing the waiting game... still hoping I won't need a fresh cycle, still hoping I win the IVF lottery again.

Quote of the day
Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.
George S. Patton (1885 - 1945)

Warning kids discussed
Well yesterday was a busy day. The boys awoke after their naps (mom was at the dentist so Dad was there). Dad went to get #2 up and guess what? He had pulled off his diaper, well this is the kid that ALWAYS has at least a little poo in his diaper. Apparently it was everywhere, on his belly, his back, the crib sheet. (Man was I glad I wasn't home) So what was my first question... did ya get a picture? Nope, no picture, what a shame! LOL

It was also #1's first hair cut. I bought some clippers, you know the ones that look like doggy shears, and away I went. Other than one move at an in appropriate time we did ok. Ya he has a tiny bald spot at the back and bottom of his head, if you comb it just right you can't see it very well though.. phew. I was a little nervous of doing the deed since their first year photos are coming up on the 22nd. I didn't want a big ole mess! But it all went well and everyone is happy, phew. I sat him in the laundry room sink to do the job and he thought it was pretty cool barely even fussed, so I was happy. I thought I may just get part of his head done due to fussiness but we 'got-er-done'!

Take care

Second thoughts...

By the way it is still freaking hot here... we need rain! We have gotten a few 'bits' of rain but nothing that is really helpful to the grass or trees.

Yes I am having second thoughts. I guess it was bound to happen eventually. Should we really go forward with another fresh IVF cycle. (What am I totally crazy?) I am sad that we have no more frosties work with... I was supposed to have enough for 2 transfers, that little blast was supposed to stick. You gals all know the routine.

I just wish it doesn't always come down to the money. It makes me sad that I am thinking it's time to stop treatment and move on just because of the money. Again you gals all know what I am talking about. I even found it hard when we started this process that we may never have anything to show for our cash outlay, but before it just affected me and my husband. Now there is more of us to consider. Why the frig can't I just be happy with what I have, why is it that I can't just forget about ever being PG again. Why can't I just move the heck on? Considering the number of failed cycles I have had I should just be over the moon that I don't have just an only child (stems from being an only child no offence intended to anyone). Why the frig to I have to love kids so much and want to have more... why do I have to have this 'curse of wanting more kids' when I am infertile? Why does it make me so sad to even think of moving on? Why do I have to keep shedding tears? I know in time everything gets easier... why hasn't my 10 years of scars from IF started to lessen yet? How do I move on when I am not ready to stop treatment? How do I continue treatment when the financial burden of treatment will affect my family? (And why do I have to listen to crazy lady whine about the extra $20,000 she needs for her vacation... I wish I had 30 grand to spend on a vacation, actually I wouldn't be spending it on a vacation!)

I am so afraid to go ahead with this cycle knowing very well that it may never work, then if it does there's all those 'other' things to worry about.

So gals what did we all do so horrible that has sent us down such a bumpy road? I wish I was alone in my struggles, it is just so wrong that there are so many of us fighting this battle.

I am thankful for the support I have here. I hope those that are trying for #1 never have to go through all this crap again for #2. I don't know how some of you keep plugging away, failed cycle after failed cycle, loss after loss. I guess we all know that some day it will all be over and we will all move on in one way or another and it will all be good, some day... right?

After so many years of IF it seems as though I have cut myself off from most of my friends and now they are all closer to the grandparent stage v.s. the baby stage... What I wouldn't do for a bunch of really close friends that 'get it' right now (you know the kind you can go out for coffee with) And it seems that the few friends I have are going through some kind of relationship crap right now and I feel bad for them but I am not the person to talk to right now. I try to be kind and caring but I know that I cannot help them, relationships can be complicated... talk to a professional! :)

So to add to my fears of another cycle, I just got an email from my successful cycle buddy who just found out she was PG. She went for an U/S friday (9 weeks), there was no heartbeat, the little one stopped growing around 5 weeks. She is just 'waiting' now. She told me that emotionally she is fine, so I am just wondering when the loss process starts how she will be?

Sorry my thoughts are in a million places today!

Last week I called my clinic to get some stuff straightened out... bad idea. I wonder about the nurses they are hiring. Before I was so naive to the process that I just went along with things, but now I know better (thanks to my bloggin buddies). I called to find out why I had to repeat the u/s given I had just had one. The nurse wouldn't ask the dr. if it was really necessary. One minute she thought I was having a frozen transfer, so I straightened her out on that one! Then not 4 sentences later I guess she forgot so she started talking about my frozen transfer again. I just gave up by that point and figured it wasn't any point. The dr. said he was going to repeat a bunch of the tests but for some reason no S/A. I asked the nurse why... I never did get and answer and she wasn't in too much of a hurry to ask someone who could ACTUALLY answer the question, a dr? Perhaps? Needless to say it was a total waste of time, I probably should have demanded more but I figured FRIG it... I will just do what they want and forget about it. I have no fight right now. I am slowly loosing all confidence in my clinic, the one that I have to drive almost 4 hours to go to, the one that I am planning on leaving my precious embryo's with, the one that I am leaving the future of my family with!

I usually am in a hurry to get things rolling. I usually stress about every detail. I am tired from all the years of 'trying'. I am tired of desperately wanting a PG be it the 1st or last. I am just tired of IF... but aren't we all

IVF Thoughts
Eventhough I am not sure where this is headed I am going to get all the testing done and take it from there... Second thoughts or not I guess I am still trudging forward through the mud that is IVF.

Quote of the day
Be master of your petty annoyances and conserve your energies for the big, worthwhile things. It isn't the mountain ahead that wears you out - it's the grain of sand in your shoe.
Robert Service (1874 - 1958)

(I dunno about you gals but the mountain is wearing me out right now)

Warning kids discussed
The only thing that makes 10 years of IF and the possibility of another cycle even bearable is the smile of two boys. The two boys that light up my life and make me feel happier than I ever could without them. I am lucky to have them in our life, I am lucky that one out of 4 rounds of cycles actually worked and had a happy ending.

I wish everyone out there the happiness that a child can bring to your life.

Take care

Still hot here... where is the rain?

Well our heat wave continues, I sure hope we get rain so or we are all going to 'dry up'... our relative humidity yesterday was something like 29%. It was 39 C (102F) here yesterday, way to freaking hot!!! I don't know how you southern US people manage the heat that you get down there! 75F is about all I can handle!

Well there is some relief in site as it is supposed to cool off in the next couple of days, only a few degrees but that's better than nothing!

IVF thoughts

Waiting again, and trying the "old fashion way". (ya I still believe in the Tooth Fairy too! Darn I should have kept those wisdom teeth I had pulled a few months ago!!)

I was thinking to myself hmm what are the chances so I decided to do some math... so 10 years of trying, lets say that our timing was on about 9 out of 12 months of the year (probably more actually but that is just too depressing to think about!!). So that would be 90 failed cycles plus we started trying again in December, so lets add another 5 onto that. For a total of 95 failed natural cycles and heck why not add the 1 fresh and 2 failed FET. So that makes the total 98. Wow 2 more and we make 100! Maybe I am shooting for a success on 100? (ya back to the tooth fairy thing again! :))

On the waiting front I have to go for ALL (minus the HSG, thank god!) the start-up test again. Even the blood tests for h.iv and Hep, what the heck? Ya I am sure that will tell us a lot about my fertility and sheesh I have been banging everything out there to get PG so I must have caught something! (oh goody my sarcasm is back) I get the 3 day blood work and possibly an u/s and SA but those other blood tests? WTF? I just love taking the paperwork to the lab to get them done. I always make sure that I tell them what's it's for, I feel dirty! ha ha! Oh ya and even though they want to 'check' everything out before another cycle there is no SA for hubbs? WTF? I guess that doesn't change? Lucky man! :)

I am still not sure about this next cycle as I know the odds are so low, and I am not looking forward to another fresh cycle. FETS are so much easier and no nasty retrieval. (Next time they better get the IV in as I refuse to go through that unmedicated EVER again, yes I said unmedicated! For once I was happy I only had one ovary!)

I am just angry that I have to 'go there' again...

Quote of the day
I grow more intense as I age.
Florida Scott-Maxwell, O Magazine, October 2003

Warning kids discussed
Amazing days...

Yesterday I had the boys outside sitting on a blanket. It was amazing to watch them. Shortly after placing them on the blanket my littlest one decided to check out the grass. He was sitting on his bum so he scooted over to the edge of the blanket. The feet were the first to touch the grass. Slowly he put his feet on the grass and quickly yanked them back, too prickly I guess? This went on for a while, then it was back to his little truck.

So the entire time the bigger fella was playing with his truck then decided it was his turn. He was also sitting on his bum, but scoot he did not, instead he grabbed the blanket and began to pull. First it was about discovery of the blanket, it had some fuzzy parts and some vinyl type parts, he had to feel it. Then it was back to the quest of finding the grass. He eventually pulled the blanket until he managed to bunch it up enough to touch the grass. He uses his hands in such a delicate way it is quite amazing to watch. First it was touch the blades, no pulling back here, his little fingers running up and down the blades feeling the textures. At this point I stuck the soother in his mouth so that the grass didn't end up in there. This was fun for a while, but further investigation was needed. The pulling started, but not hard enough. Finally he yanked out a sprig of the green stuff. Then the careful investigation started, passing the blade from one hand to another, back and forth, he was handling it like a fine piece of china. Then it was time to get rid of it... darn sticky hands (why do babies always have sticky hands). Finally he managed to get it off of his hand and it was on to pluck out another one, after gently feeling in first.

In the mean time the little one decided that it was his turn to touch the grass again. This time it was with his finger, his little pointer finger. He loves his pointer finger, he always uses it to check things out for the first time. So there goes the little finger onto the grass, no pulling back this time. He sat there for quite some time with 'the finger', curl it up, straighten it out and repeat. Finally it was more exiting to try to pick up the remnants that the brother had been discarding.

As I watched I sat there all my issues just disappearing, it was amazing to watch the wonder of these two little men discovering grass for the first time.

Take care