Monday, July 10, 2006

Second thoughts...

By the way it is still freaking hot here... we need rain! We have gotten a few 'bits' of rain but nothing that is really helpful to the grass or trees.

Yes I am having second thoughts. I guess it was bound to happen eventually. Should we really go forward with another fresh IVF cycle. (What am I totally crazy?) I am sad that we have no more frosties work with... I was supposed to have enough for 2 transfers, that little blast was supposed to stick. You gals all know the routine.

I just wish it doesn't always come down to the money. It makes me sad that I am thinking it's time to stop treatment and move on just because of the money. Again you gals all know what I am talking about. I even found it hard when we started this process that we may never have anything to show for our cash outlay, but before it just affected me and my husband. Now there is more of us to consider. Why the frig can't I just be happy with what I have, why is it that I can't just forget about ever being PG again. Why can't I just move the heck on? Considering the number of failed cycles I have had I should just be over the moon that I don't have just an only child (stems from being an only child no offence intended to anyone). Why the frig to I have to love kids so much and want to have more... why do I have to have this 'curse of wanting more kids' when I am infertile? Why does it make me so sad to even think of moving on? Why do I have to keep shedding tears? I know in time everything gets easier... why hasn't my 10 years of scars from IF started to lessen yet? How do I move on when I am not ready to stop treatment? How do I continue treatment when the financial burden of treatment will affect my family? (And why do I have to listen to crazy lady whine about the extra $20,000 she needs for her vacation... I wish I had 30 grand to spend on a vacation, actually I wouldn't be spending it on a vacation!)

I am so afraid to go ahead with this cycle knowing very well that it may never work, then if it does there's all those 'other' things to worry about.

So gals what did we all do so horrible that has sent us down such a bumpy road? I wish I was alone in my struggles, it is just so wrong that there are so many of us fighting this battle.

I am thankful for the support I have here. I hope those that are trying for #1 never have to go through all this crap again for #2. I don't know how some of you keep plugging away, failed cycle after failed cycle, loss after loss. I guess we all know that some day it will all be over and we will all move on in one way or another and it will all be good, some day... right?

After so many years of IF it seems as though I have cut myself off from most of my friends and now they are all closer to the grandparent stage v.s. the baby stage... What I wouldn't do for a bunch of really close friends that 'get it' right now (you know the kind you can go out for coffee with) And it seems that the few friends I have are going through some kind of relationship crap right now and I feel bad for them but I am not the person to talk to right now. I try to be kind and caring but I know that I cannot help them, relationships can be complicated... talk to a professional! :)

So to add to my fears of another cycle, I just got an email from my successful cycle buddy who just found out she was PG. She went for an U/S friday (9 weeks), there was no heartbeat, the little one stopped growing around 5 weeks. She is just 'waiting' now. She told me that emotionally she is fine, so I am just wondering when the loss process starts how she will be?

Sorry my thoughts are in a million places today!

Last week I called my clinic to get some stuff straightened out... bad idea. I wonder about the nurses they are hiring. Before I was so naive to the process that I just went along with things, but now I know better (thanks to my bloggin buddies). I called to find out why I had to repeat the u/s given I had just had one. The nurse wouldn't ask the dr. if it was really necessary. One minute she thought I was having a frozen transfer, so I straightened her out on that one! Then not 4 sentences later I guess she forgot so she started talking about my frozen transfer again. I just gave up by that point and figured it wasn't any point. The dr. said he was going to repeat a bunch of the tests but for some reason no S/A. I asked the nurse why... I never did get and answer and she wasn't in too much of a hurry to ask someone who could ACTUALLY answer the question, a dr? Perhaps? Needless to say it was a total waste of time, I probably should have demanded more but I figured FRIG it... I will just do what they want and forget about it. I have no fight right now. I am slowly loosing all confidence in my clinic, the one that I have to drive almost 4 hours to go to, the one that I am planning on leaving my precious embryo's with, the one that I am leaving the future of my family with!

I usually am in a hurry to get things rolling. I usually stress about every detail. I am tired from all the years of 'trying'. I am tired of desperately wanting a PG be it the 1st or last. I am just tired of IF... but aren't we all

IVF Thoughts
Eventhough I am not sure where this is headed I am going to get all the testing done and take it from there... Second thoughts or not I guess I am still trudging forward through the mud that is IVF.

Quote of the day
Be master of your petty annoyances and conserve your energies for the big, worthwhile things. It isn't the mountain ahead that wears you out - it's the grain of sand in your shoe.
Robert Service (1874 - 1958)

(I dunno about you gals but the mountain is wearing me out right now)

Warning kids discussed
The only thing that makes 10 years of IF and the possibility of another cycle even bearable is the smile of two boys. The two boys that light up my life and make me feel happier than I ever could without them. I am lucky to have them in our life, I am lucky that one out of 4 rounds of cycles actually worked and had a happy ending.

I wish everyone out there the happiness that a child can bring to your life.

Take care


At 8:31 a.m., July 10, 2006, Blogger Suz said...

There was a recent discussion about infertility on the Mom of Twins board that I belong to and I was surprised to see how many women returned to the docs to try having another child (and sometimes another after that) after the birth of their twins. You are not alone.

At 9:18 a.m., July 10, 2006, Blogger Demeter said...

Soralis, I feel so sorry for your pain. Don't feel inadequate to want more children. It is the mother instinct in you that wants more and why not, if you can nurture them and love them, love is all we need in this world. I hope the scars of IF don't wear you out to suck the life out of your happiness.
It is crapy that you cannot go to any other clinic.

At 9:49 a.m., July 10, 2006, Blogger DD said...

You know I hear you, sista. What's wrong with surrounding yourself with as much love as you can when you have so much to give? Not one damn thing.

At 10:02 a.m., July 10, 2006, Blogger miraclebaby said...

Even though I have not been down the infertility road (though I feared I would) I understand the want for another child and having to weigh the options. I don't know what we are going to do. For me it will either be bedrest pregnancy again or thousands of dollars to adopt. Which comes with a higher price I don't know.... but I know I don't want to be an only child family. I always saw myself with 6 kids. Dreams die hard. Really hard.

At 10:06 a.m., July 10, 2006, Anonymous flygirl said...

I wish that I had words of wisdom for you. It's so awful that having babies has to come with so many dollar signs. Truth be told I don't know if I will ever do IVF. Just don't know if I can justify the debtload on a gamble. But that doesn't really help does it?

At 2:25 p.m., July 10, 2006, Blogger Alli said...

How frustrating that call to your clinic sounded! WTF is up with the nurse? Nothing like dropping thousands of dollars to a clinic where the nurse can't remember from one sentence to the next what your procedure is! Grrrr!!

What you wrote about your boys was so sweet!

At 4:17 p.m., July 10, 2006, Blogger Lisa said...

Hope your heat wave breaks soon! I know when it's that hot I get really crabby and can barely function.

At 4:20 p.m., July 10, 2006, Blogger My Reality said...

I have read your blog for a while, but have never commented before. We are about to start IVF and I often wonder if the pain of everything related to the struggle of infertility ever goes away. Your blog shows that it is still a struggle even after having your boys. I appreciate how you have expressed your feelings, they help me to prepare for down the road. I know personally I do not want an only child, so if we are lucky enough to have a baby, we will do it again. It sucks that in a lot of ways it does boil down to the money side of things. I wish you luck with your decision and I do not think you are crazy for trying again. You know first hand the pain of infertility, but the tremendous reward that can come from IVF. I am anxiously awaiting for my fertility bracelet that I ordered to arrive, I will let you know when I get it!

At 6:10 p.m., July 10, 2006, Anonymous Meri-ann said...

There are just countless factors we have to weigh up when it comes to doing IVF, luckily in Australia it's very affordable (hey come here!)- but wouldn't it be lovely just to maybe 'have sex' and wonder if this was the month! Perish the thought!

At 7:23 p.m., July 10, 2006, Blogger Pixxiee said...

Who knows when anyone's giving up point is? For me, it has to be this cycle, for you, maybe another IVF cycle (ooh and twin girls???). We all have our limit, whether it is emotional or financial or closure related. When the time is right you'll find your limit and hopefully you will feel comfy about it. Till then, hugs!

At 7:13 a.m., July 11, 2006, Blogger serenity said...

Be gentle with yourself, soralis. I am so sorry you are in so much pain. And I truly hope you find answers (and peace) soon.


At 7:40 a.m., July 11, 2006, Blogger MoMo said...

Soralis--I am so sorry you are going through this. Wanting more children is okay--don't be so hard on yourself. Hang in there and just know that we are all here for you.

At 8:27 a.m., July 11, 2006, Blogger Angie said...

I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I don't know why any of us are here. I often wonder what I did that was so horrible to deserve such an awful sentence. You have done nothing! I am thinking of you!

At 10:02 a.m., July 11, 2006, Blogger Fertility Faux Pas said...

I'm pregnant after IVF now and already worrying that this will be our only child. I guess it is just hard to accept that what works so easily for others doesn't come easily for us. The unfairness of it all can be so heartbreaking.

At 1:54 p.m., July 11, 2006, Blogger GLouise said...

You are not alone!

And you are clearly a great mom, and so it is natural to want more. And any children you have in addition to your boys will be very very lucky.

At 6:10 p.m., July 11, 2006, Blogger Mary Ellen and Steve said...

I am sorry that you are going through this Soralis. You shouldn't feel guilty or bad about wanting more children. It is natural for a mother to want more children. You shouldn't have to feel differently because you are dealing with IF. Please know that I am thinking of you, and I hope that you find some peace and answers soon. Hugs.

At 8:04 p.m., July 11, 2006, Blogger Kris said...

All of those unanswerable questions! I'm so sorry about all of your difficult thoughts right now. I wish none of us were here, either.

At 8:14 a.m., July 12, 2006, Blogger Beagle said...

I am sorry that there is so much pain in all of this, for all of us. It's just not fair.

At 8:20 a.m., July 12, 2006, Blogger Who's Askin'? said...

I hear you too--all the way around.

On top of the normal IF frustrations it must be frustrating to have to deal with an inept nurse.......ARGGHHH.


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