Wednesday, July 26, 2006

They are back....

They are back and back with a vengeance! I used to have these episodes, I think they may be panic attacks or anxiety attacks but I am not sure. I haven't had one since Nov 04. It seems that my successful IVF cycle sent them packing. I haven't had one since, but they are starting to come back. On Sunday I could feel one starting to come on and by Monday it was here. I got so used to them that I could function, at the basic level anyway but it has been so long I forgot how difficult they can be. Of course now I can't just curl up in bed and sleep until they pass.

I am so frustrated that they are back, between that and the nasty depressing PMS that has also reared it's ugly head I am quite the mess. I spent about 5 years with some of this, then I had to have one ovary removed and then it got really bad. Sometimes I wonder if my hormones are so screwed up that is why I am suffering from IF (although I couldn't get PG the 5 years of trying before the surgery so I guess that's doubtful)

I just wish I could get PG and be done with this IF stuff (other than the scars of course... but that will always be with me) and then take care of myself for a change. I am so sick of the grip that IF has on my life. I am frustrated that things have to be so freaking difficult on top of our IF struggles. I worry that all this craziness is making me strong for something horrible that is to come. I just want to end this battle with IF and FREAKIN WIN... but don't we all

On another note, sorry I haven't been posting as frequently it seems like I spend most of my spare time trying to keep up with your blogs...

Quote of the day
Fear does not have any special power unless you empower it by submitting to it.
Les Brown, Communication Bulletin for Managers & Supervisors, June 2004

Warning kids discussed
How to feel like a terrible mother... go to the pediatrician.

So the boys had their one year appt this week. Nothing to report there. They are a little behind but that's what I expected (yes makes me feel like a bad mom, like I could be doing more, but with 2 sometimes it's just exhausting). Then he tells me to throw their bottles away, yup throw them away, cut them off cold turkey, just feed them out of a cup.

Using my better judgment I decided not to throw them away but try the cup. OMG it was horrible, we kept trying and trying, they were screaming and chocking and just generally sad. I was upset, their father was ready to thump the dr. They don't have the development to hold a cup and feed themselves yet. I suppose that's my fault? So to feed both of them at once with a cup seemed like such a daunting task. The dr. says that when they throw it on the floor they are done. Not done just unhappy and hungry. I tried for a couple of days because I really thought they would adjust to the cup but it was getting worse. So yesterday I tried a sippy cup, that went a little better and a few less tears. Between the craziness of trying to cut them cold turkey off of the bottle and my anxiety attack I am just a big old mess. Last night I broke down and gave them their bottles before bed... now I feel like I have undone all the work we have done. I am exhausted and feel like I have no clue what I am doing, I feel like I haven't been teaching my boys the skills they need to hold a cup and drink from it. They are so sweet and usually so happy and now I have made them so sad... and the screaming has hit new levels in the high pitch world.

I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know what to feed them. I can't seem to make the dr's plans work for us? I just want to cry, I feel so bad that I don't know what to do.

Take care

26 Comments:

At 10:49 AM, July 26, 2006, Blogger Kris said...

Oh, dear! Don't beat yourself up over the bottles/cups. My siblings all transitioned their kids- sippy cups during the day... bottles at extra cranky times and bedtime, until eventually the bottles were gone. Screw what the doctor says- not every method works for everyone. Cold turkey? If I had to give up Snickers cold turkey, I'd be throwing tantrums, too.

 
At 10:51 AM, July 26, 2006, Anonymous amanda said...

I'm sorry the anxiety attacks are back. I used to get them a few years back, and they suck big time. I hope you feel better soon.

 
At 10:55 AM, July 26, 2006, Blogger GLouise said...

Sorry to hear about the anxiety attacks. I don't think I have ever had one, but they sound terrifying.

Big hugs.

I hope that today will be a peaceful one for you.

 
At 10:58 AM, July 26, 2006, Blogger DD said...

Want some assvice? I got plenty to spare...

Transition them by feeding them their fave juices and milk in the cup and water in the bottle. They'll have the same reaction to start with, but I swear to you, it does get easier. However, it might help to make sure YOU are feeling better first. Going bottleless doesn't have to happen today, next week or next month.

 
At 11:42 AM, July 26, 2006, Blogger Suz said...

ARGH. This Doctor's advice makes me angry. I can't believe that he's put you and the little ones through this. Gradual weening off the bottle seems to be the way to go....

 
At 12:58 PM, July 26, 2006, Anonymous flygirl said...

helluva day huh?

take care, you.

 
At 3:22 PM, July 26, 2006, Blogger snickollet said...

Boy was this post timely for me. The quote about fear and the "Am I a good mother?" anxiety really hit home.

I'm so sorry you're going through a frustrating time, sorry about the anxiety attacks, sorry about the confusing pediatric advice.

Trust yourself. You know what's best for your boys. You are doing an awesome job no matter what the doctor tells you to do.

 
At 3:34 PM, July 26, 2006, Blogger Courtney said...

OMG Kian is 2.5 and he doesn't even use a cup! He is on a sippy and has been since a year but not a regular cup. At a year we introduced the Avent sippy that will fit on a bottle, then moved it to the sippy on a cup. Then to bigger sippys and he still uses 9 oz sippy cups. We kept the nighttime bottle until he was 1.3 years.

 
At 5:17 PM, July 26, 2006, Blogger My Reality said...

I am sorry to hear about the anxiety attacks and the nasty pms. I can relate to both of those and they aren't any fun.

As for my advice with the boys, I don't really have any, since I haven't been there yet. But, I will say, they are you children and you know what is best for them. You are the mom, so you get to make the decisions about when to introduce cups and get rid of the bottles. Don't let the doctor force you into something you and the boys may not be ready for. You are doing a great job of being a mom and supporting all of us during our infertility struggles.

You are an amazing woman, Soralis!

 
At 7:15 PM, July 26, 2006, Anonymous Sarah said...

Anxiety attacks are so hard to deal with. For me, the past few months have been filled with anxiety or panic attacks. I did get some relief from talking with a professional. Also, slow breathing seemed to allow me to come back down so that I could think about things logically. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with them again. Good luck.

 
At 11:36 PM, July 26, 2006, Blogger Lisa said...

{hughughug} I'm so sorry things have been hard for you lately. You're NOT a bad Mom at all. I had my bottle for so long that I had an argument with my great Aunt about it and told her that I was going to take my bottle with me to kindergarten in my lunch box. I've grown up to be a cup-drinking fairly normal human being and I did give up the bottle a long time before kindergarten. Take care of yourself and I hope the anxiety lessons soon.

 
At 12:34 AM, July 27, 2006, Blogger Meg said...

Oh Soralis. I'm sorry you're feeling so awful. I can't imagine how hard it must be to try and get the boys off the bottle. Please don't torture yourself. I have a friend who is trying to ween her one y.o. and she is being the same.

Hope you feel better soon.

 
At 11:01 AM, July 27, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't think it's quite as simple as cold turkey. What worked for me is what DD said - transition with juice. It's not like you can reason with a 1 year old and tell them what a cup is... the bottle is the only thing they know. I would have made myself crazy if a doctor said this to me with the first one - with the second I would have smiled, said ok and done what I thought was right. You know what's best, screw the rest.

 
At 11:04 AM, July 27, 2006, Anonymous Kellie said...

Ack, that anonymous was me.

 
At 1:39 PM, July 27, 2006, Blogger Ella said...

I'm so sorry to hear that your anxiety is back, but please be kind to your self and don't beat yourself up aout it. Everyone deserves to shut down from time to time. I've had them too...mostly during wedding planning. My MIL is a nightmare but that's another story. You ARE a good mother. You know more than your doctor does b/c at the end of the day, they are your boys and you know what's best.

 
At 3:06 PM, July 27, 2006, Blogger Barely Sane said...

Oh my!!

Okay, I dont have kids yet (obviously) but my nephew is 15 mos and he still uses bottles. He uses sippy cups too, but always a bottle at night. And a bottle is what my sis brings when running around town.
Screw the Dr! The boys will use a cup when they are darn good & ready for one!! What else did the Dr say? That they should be potty trained already? Driving a car? Speaking fluent French?? Behhh - Dr's a dumbasses at best.

I get anxiety attacks too. I've been working with a therapist to overcome them - they can be debilatating at times.

Hugs!!

 
At 5:54 PM, July 27, 2006, Blogger Mary Ellen and Steve said...

I am sorry that you are having panic attacks, and feeling so awful. Hang in there.

 
At 11:37 AM, July 28, 2006, Blogger serenity said...

I am sorry about the anxiety attacks. soralis, they sound horrible.

And I agree with the pp - transitioning sounds WAY more peaceful to me than cold turkey.

I hope you find a solution that works for both you and the boys soon.

*hugs*

 
At 8:16 PM, July 28, 2006, Anonymous Jennie said...

oh you poor thing, I can't imagine what how hard those few days would have been trying to make the babes usen a cup .. stupid doctor! you are a good mum no matter how you feel about it, you care and you try and that's all anyone can do.

I hope things settle down for you IF is hard what it does to our hearts/minds/soul is indescribable. thinking of you and hoping the anxiety attacks resolve quickly

 
At 5:51 AM, July 30, 2006, Anonymous KIMMER said...

OMG,don't beat yourself up. My neice who I have on the weekends, didn't take the cup until she was atleast 2. We gave her a sippy cup first. And she still had bottles at bed time for a long time. You DR. is off his rocker, you do what works for your sons. I can't imagine going cold turkey from the bottle with my neice that would have been CRAZY! You are a very good mother...
I'm sorry about the attacks also, I don't have experience with them but my BF has fought them for years. I do hope you get feeling better.

 
At 6:05 AM, July 30, 2006, Blogger Em said...

Take it easy on yourself. You are a great mum.

 
At 10:48 AM, July 31, 2006, Blogger Angie said...

I'm sorry to hear about the panick attacks! I've had one bad one and that was enough for me. I hope you get feeling better!

 
At 1:40 PM, July 31, 2006, Blogger Alli said...

That is hard! Poor little guys. I see where the dr. is coming from on cutting them off cold turkey, but you can't very well explain that to a 1 year old!!

 
At 6:12 PM, July 31, 2006, Blogger GZ said...

I'm sorry your having such a rotten time. Hang in there!

 
At 6:34 PM, July 31, 2006, Blogger MoMo said...

I am so sorry to hear about the anxiety attacks...I hope that it goes away soon. Hang in there...we are all here for you. Hugs!

 
At 11:07 AM, August 02, 2006, Blogger Demeter said...

Soralis, never mind the doctor's advice, you know your kids better. They will be ready when they are and you are. They are not ready. Period. You are the mother and the master. Doctors just go by formulas..

 

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