They are back....

They are back and back with a vengeance! I used to have these episodes, I think they may be panic attacks or anxiety attacks but I am not sure. I haven't had one since Nov 04. It seems that my successful IVF cycle sent them packing. I haven't had one since, but they are starting to come back. On Sunday I could feel one starting to come on and by Monday it was here. I got so used to them that I could function, at the basic level anyway but it has been so long I forgot how difficult they can be. Of course now I can't just curl up in bed and sleep until they pass.

I am so frustrated that they are back, between that and the nasty depressing PMS that has also reared it's ugly head I am quite the mess. I spent about 5 years with some of this, then I had to have one ovary removed and then it got really bad. Sometimes I wonder if my hormones are so screwed up that is why I am suffering from IF (although I couldn't get PG the 5 years of trying before the surgery so I guess that's doubtful)

I just wish I could get PG and be done with this IF stuff (other than the scars of course... but that will always be with me) and then take care of myself for a change. I am so sick of the grip that IF has on my life. I am frustrated that things have to be so freaking difficult on top of our IF struggles. I worry that all this craziness is making me strong for something horrible that is to come. I just want to end this battle with IF and FREAKIN WIN... but don't we all

On another note, sorry I haven't been posting as frequently it seems like I spend most of my spare time trying to keep up with your blogs...

Quote of the day
Fear does not have any special power unless you empower it by submitting to it.
Les Brown, Communication Bulletin for Managers & Supervisors, June 2004

Warning kids discussed
How to feel like a terrible mother... go to the pediatrician.

So the boys had their one year appt this week. Nothing to report there. They are a little behind but that's what I expected (yes makes me feel like a bad mom, like I could be doing more, but with 2 sometimes it's just exhausting). Then he tells me to throw their bottles away, yup throw them away, cut them off cold turkey, just feed them out of a cup.

Using my better judgment I decided not to throw them away but try the cup. OMG it was horrible, we kept trying and trying, they were screaming and chocking and just generally sad. I was upset, their father was ready to thump the dr. They don't have the development to hold a cup and feed themselves yet. I suppose that's my fault? So to feed both of them at once with a cup seemed like such a daunting task. The dr. says that when they throw it on the floor they are done. Not done just unhappy and hungry. I tried for a couple of days because I really thought they would adjust to the cup but it was getting worse. So yesterday I tried a sippy cup, that went a little better and a few less tears. Between the craziness of trying to cut them cold turkey off of the bottle and my anxiety attack I am just a big old mess. Last night I broke down and gave them their bottles before bed... now I feel like I have undone all the work we have done. I am exhausted and feel like I have no clue what I am doing, I feel like I haven't been teaching my boys the skills they need to hold a cup and drink from it. They are so sweet and usually so happy and now I have made them so sad... and the screaming has hit new levels in the high pitch world.

I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know what to feed them. I can't seem to make the dr's plans work for us? I just want to cry, I feel so bad that I don't know what to do.

Take care