It's official I no longer have a mother...

It has been one heck of a week for me. I have declared that the nasty woman to whom I may biologically related to is no longer my Mother. She is just mean, nasty, uncaring and the opposite of what a mother should be. I shouldn't have to put up with it anymore, I expect more out of my friends. So there I don't have a mother anymore... we just share genetics (which is bad enough in itself!) I will not take away my children's grandparents though so she can still be there Grandmother.

I will not let her hurt me ANYMORE. Say what you want do what you want you are NOT my mother so it doesn't matter.

So what happened? I was sitting at home minding my own business on Monday and guess who shows up at the door. I was trying to get some scrapbooking done and house cleaning etc. so I was a little miffed that she didn't call first. She just sits and sits and sits when she comes and it's like she is never going to leave. One of these days I am just going to get up and leave the room. I should have done that this week when she came over.

Well it started with the family reunion that we aren't going to. All of a sudden it's a big panic for me to meet my Dads family, some of which live in my home town. (What happened that it is so important now, they never made the effort my entire life, now all of a sudden it's the end of the world that we aren't going.) The only reason she wants us to go is to show of HER grandchildren. Well they are display items or a IVF freakshow thank you very much. It's all about what she can get out of it for herself. So anyway she comes over, wakes up one of the boys, and then starts crying. (I don't like to get upset in front of my boys if I can avoid it as they are still to little to understand and they don't need that crap anyway). So the tears come and she basically tries to guilt me into coming. Oh if Dad knew that she was saying anything he would divorce her (that would probably not be a bad thing for him!). She is all about exaggeration and dramatics, I know better so I didn't fall for her crazy behavior. She has always been successful before in guilting me into stuff, but it's time I stood up for myself and stick to my guns. We are not going (not that I really care that much one way or another, but the fact that she has been pestering me about it since APRIL, and she is relentless. Even after I have said no many many many times she continues to scratch until she has made a scab and still she continues to scratch. No means no and she needs to learn that, she is like a spoiled child who when she can't get her WAY she will take any means to try to get her way. If she would have left us alone after I said no the first time we may have considered going but this constant "scratching" is really P*ssing me off!) Needless to say she is still pissed at me.

Well after all that talk about the reunion. I told her we had our own stuff going on. I finally broke down about our latest failed cycle, and this is when I decided I do not have a mother! After I told her about my cycle, there was no sorry, it's too bad, there was nothing but a stupid comment. Well you have two what's your problem, can't you just be thankful for that? Then she goes on to say that SHE wanted 4 kids and she could only have one. (Hmm were we talking about HER? I don't think so. I guess I am not entitled to have more because she couldn't. I told her we were contemplating another Fresh cycle... she didn't even care. It was all about her. I finally got so mad when she said that I should be thankful for what I have. I told her that she obviously doesn't have a clue (this is someone who had secondary infertility... I thought she would 'get it'). I told her that I thank god every day that I was lucky enough to have had one of the successful cycles. I told her that doesn't mean that I shouldn't be entitled to have another. What I wanted to tell her is to get the frig outta my house, and I should have done so!

After this point I decided that she is not my Mother in a mothering sort of way, and it was almost freeing. The years of critisim, the years of yelling, the years of thinking I wasn't good enough, the years of wishing I could please her, the years of tears, my low self esteem, the pain in my heart, the nastiness that is her... are gone. Just that easy, none of it matters anymore.

I have my family, I have the loves of my life, I have a very special man that makes me feel like I matter. I don't need her, I don't need her crap effecting me anymore. She is not going to ruin my boys 1st birthday, she cannot take that away from me, I will not let her take any of the important moments away from me anymore. I will be a better person in spite of her. I will not let her negativity destroy me .

I am finally free!

IVF Thoughts
Ooo landmark time... failed cycle 100! Still waiting for those monkeys to fly out of my butt!

CD1, time to call my clinic. I go for my day 3 FSH on Sunday and my U/S in early August. (I suppose they will call to offer me a cycle this month since I don't have my paperwork all done... ugg!)

Quote of the day
Love much. Earth has enough of bitter in it.
Ella Wheeler Wilcox

(I thought this was appropriate)

Warning Kids discussed

It's here, the day I have dreaded and thought about for such a long time. The final decorations are ready to be done, and the final preparations are about to start. My little men are 1 today. Last night I thought about the day before they were born. I was off for my weekly dr's appointment, only to be put in the hospital for protien in my urine. It was about 2 weeks before I wanted to deliver. My poor old body just could hack it any more, and the 50lbs I gained in the last two weeks were more than my feet could handle, actually more than I could handle. I was both excited and scared. I thought maybe I could wait a little longer in the hospital. Ya right. We had to go all the way home and get my 'bag', and pack it too. There was tears of joy and fear, and one last belly photo! I remember sitting on my bed in the hospital, my hubby had gone to find himself something to eat, crying. A very young nurse came in and was worried. I said I am ok, I was just very overwhelmed. I surely wasn't ready! She stayed with me a while until the hubby returned. She was so sweet. That night I had nasty nasty heartburn, there wasn't much sleep to be had. An on call dr. came to see me, her english SUCKED. She ordered me something for breakfast. The nurse felt bad. I should have grabbed my stuff from home before I left. I was glad my hubby stayed the night. The next morning I was sent for a U/S. 2 hours on my back was torture! (Not to mention all the Non-stress tests the night before, one of the monitors had an 'issue' with the cord. I kept telling them to get a new one, finally they did. Instead of the 20 minute test, they turned into 2 hours each)

I was 'done' by this point, my dr. came in and offered me 2 choices, induce or c-section. I was going to go for the induce thing but we ended up with an emergency c-section.

I had started shaking before I entered the room. I couldn't stop it, I thought it was nerves but it turned out that it wasn't. They got things going, then I hear 'Oh crap I nicked her bladder, so that kind of distracted me which was ashame. They had to push one fella back in as they were both trying to get out at the same time. I guess they had enough too!

But then I heard a cry, it's a boy, it's a boy (just that quick). The world stopped for a moment in time. I will never forget just how lucky I felt at that moment.

I saw one of the boys, but not the other... the nurses are much better at presenting babies to strapped up moms then Dad's are. No worry I would get to see him after I got out of recovery. I never did get to see the little fella until the next day due to complications and a 2 day stay in recovery. The first time I held them I couldn't believe it.

The first few months were hard but every time I started to get frustrated I just remembered how bad we wanted this and it helped.

Fast forward.... they are a year old today. My perfect little men. They have grown so much, learned so much and they are loved so very much. I cherish every moment I spend with them. I am so very lucky.


If you are reading this and haven't 'arrived' yet. I hope to be reading your story on your blog one day very soon. I think of everyone who hasn't had this opportunity yet many times when I look at my boys. I wish you all the happiness and joy that I have found in my life.

Take care