Who invited you?...

Well it's less than a week until my next O.B. appointment and guess what my rotten friend baby anxiety is back. (Who invited you anyway?) I seem to only be able to go so long without hearing and/or seeing my little one and then I start to worry. When I had my twins I had things timed wonderfully, O.B. appt then 2 weeks later U/S then 2 weeks later start over. The every 2 week seeing or hearing hb's was a life saver for me. I am having a really hard time with the month between appointments, and since I am only having one this time my last u/s will be in my 19 week. This will mean that I will have to go approximately 20 weeks without an u/s. You have got to be kidding me? I think I need a u/s anonymous group or something?

It is amazing that I am just coasting along then all of a sudden this fear hits me... my brain must keep better track of my appointments then I realize! :) My husband thinks I am nuts for worrying, I would so like to live in his world until my next appointment. Give him a week in my brain see if he comes out alive! :)

Thanks for the comments regarding my insensitive friend on my last post. For those who said I should talk to my friend I just thought I would let you know that I have in the past. She really doesn't have a clue sometimes. She kept sending me emails about new babies (right after my failed FET in may) and an email of some woman who had six or seven kids. She was bugging me about me thinking I was busy. Well I was getting annoyed so I very nicely asked her not to send me stuff like that anymore as I was having enough problems dealing with another failed cycle. She never said anything but a while later in front of a bunch of people she said how crabby I was about a bunch of emails. Needless to say I am not going to say anything as I she obviously doesn't get 'it'. (Sorry I just had to share, as you can see I am still annoyed about that and that was back in May! I guess I can forget about it now since I have unloaded on my blogging buddies! :) )

Kid lets discussed
I have been keeping busy here with 2 sick kids. One got better than the other one got sick. I am not sure if they have the same thing with different symptoms or two different things. The first guy got some nasty spots which caused a quick trip to the Hospital as I thought it was measles (I of course have never had them and was more worried about me, more like little monkey in me... I am a bad mother!) It ended up that it was just a virus, that I never caught thankfully! So he finally recovered and the second fella came down with the flu, our life has been all about diarrhea and vomit since Sunday. At least sicky #2 waited until a week day so we could take a run to the nearest medical clinic. So off we went yesterday, we got right in, it was great, and there was no trip to the hospital! (even better). He just has the flu, but we have to watch him closely for dehydration. So I am hoping that he starts to improve today! (Note to self, morning sickness and vomiting kid equal bad idea! :) It's the first time they have ever been really sick so I think I have done well since they just turned 18 months! Which reminds me we have a pediatrician appointment on Friday, I need to make a list!

Pregnancy Thoughts
Sorry this post is all over the place, kind of like my brain these days! Well I am still feeling really rotten. This PG seems to be taking it's toll on me physically and mentally. I am praying that all goes well so that I don't have to go through this again, now there is something I NEVER thought I would feel. Although I suppose I will forget all about it post birth!

I am angry that I am feeling so bad. I am angry that this PG isn't a wonderful experience. I am angry that I had to fight so hard to get PG and now I feel like total and utter crap. I was hoping now that I am into my 2nd trimester that I could put all the crap from the first trimester behind me and move forward and feel just a little better. I am surprised that I am having a rougher time with this PG then my twin PG. My O.B. told me the last go around that if I just had one it would be an easy PG, piece of cake. Well shame on me for believing it!

Am I unhappy that I am PG, NO, NEVER! Am I unhappy that I am not enjoying it, YES! I am still hoping that things turn around and I feel better soon!

Quote of the Day
We don't have to wait
for fear to vanish altogether
because that moment will never come;
all we need
is a moment of daring
that can change a whole lifetime of waiting.
~ Diane Conway (What Would You Do If You Had No Fear?)

I really need some new friends...

Why can't my real friends be a little more like the cyber ones I know? Sometimes I wonder about the people I know!

So the other day I am working away (trying to stay awake as I seem to be more tired than usual) and I get a new e-mail from a friend. (This is supposed to be a good friend, but you decide.) Well apparently her friend at work's daughter is having a baby and is looking for some used 'baby equipment'. So what does my friend say? "Since you aren't having twins now, and you are only one, I was wondering if you wanted to sell some of your stuff as you won't need it all now." Maybe I am overly sensitive but wouldn't a message that said, do you have some extra things you want to sell, about cover it?

Now my friend does have a habit of not thinking before she speaks, but I still thought that was a little inappropriate. We only have doubles of our bucket car seats and we really didn't have any other doubled up stuff anyway. (Did she not notice when she was at our house?) She also knows that our boys cribs were both lent to us, and gee they are still in them.

I just don't get why people can't think a little before they open their mouths or send an e-mail? I suppose I stick my foot in it too, but I sure try not to.

Quote of the day
To read a writer is for me
not merely to get an idea of
what he says,
but to go off with him,
and travel in his company.
~ Andre Gide ("Third Imaginary Interview" Pretexts)

The fog may be lifting, finally...

Well I think I am finally starting to feel just a little bit better. (Many thanks for the kind words and advice on my previous posts. You guys are the best!)

It's nice to be able to wake up in the morning and get up without feeling the anxiety that has been plaguing me for the last few months. Maybe it has been worse due to the loss of our twin? I do know that crazy lady has been adding way to much stress, so I have been avoiding as MUCH as humanly possible. Hey whatever helps me to stay sane these days.

I am still very much worried about this PG, I guess that is just something I will have to live with. Even now with my bigger belly I am still in some sort of denial about the whole thing, I guess the denial will eventually wear off, maybe!

I am finding that being PG with young twins at home is much more complicated than being PG pre-twins. Gone are the naps when you need them and gone are the lazy evenings at home. I guess when it comes right down to it I wouldn't change it for the world. Although I must admit I wish I was younger and could have spaced things out a little more. But that wasn't in the cards for us so I am just ever so grateful that I was even able to get PG a second time, now all I have to hope for is a healthy and happy take home baby (THB). Even as I type that I am still in disbelief that I may just get that THB.

As far as the PG my nausea finally seems to be lifting, not complaining to see that go. My belly has grown a bit and that's about it.

So I hope now that I will be able to get back to my regular self and my regularly scheduled programming.

What else is going on?
- my boys have finally started to walk (I am so sick of people asking me why they aren't walking yet... because we Velcro them to the floor, oh wait maybe they just aren't smart enough, or maybe they just aren't ready yet! Ugg)
- I am in a mad tear to get their 1st year scrapbooks finalized (They were almost done but I had those last bits to add... you know the ones that never get done. Well I am going to get them done darn it!). I have 3 - 12*12 albums with 40 plus pages ea. for each boy for their first year... daaaah I wonder if that's why they aren't done yet? I swear we need a bigger house just to store scrapbooks! My napping has seriously cut into my scrap booking time... darn napping I say! I think I am going to have to start a chapter for Scrapbookers Anonymous, I dare say I have a problem.
-We are still looking for a new home, I review them on the Internet but haven't booked any appointments yet. I suppose we are just sort of looking. Energy just isn't on my list these days. But we really do want/need to find a different house so I guess it's time to move away from the computer and actually go outside!
-Work is keeping me out of trouble. I miss my extra day off that I had in December every week. I am adjusting very slowly. It just makes me want to nap more. It started out slow in the new year, but that is fine with me as I am really busy now and I have to use my brain which makes me even more tired!
-I heard on the news yesterday that the first test tube baby just had their first baby, and it was a natural PG! YAY, there is hope for the fertility of the children of infertility!

Take care.

Quote of the day
To educate people for peace,
we can use words
or we can speak with our lives.
~ Thich Nhat Hanh (Love in Action)

Pieces of me...

Well I had these great plans to get right back to blogging regularly once the new year hit. As you can see my plans just haven't come together yet. But alas the New Year isn't over just yet so there is hope for me.

I have been fighting a nasty depression that has kept me in bed far to often. I think a majority of it is brought on by the crap my parents keep sending my way. WTF is their problem, can't they at least give me a break while I am PG. It seems as though they are the only source of my stress and it is making me sick sick sick. I am sad that it seems that I have spent a majority of this PG so far (trying desperately to change this) in a state of major depression. I have discussed this with my OB and if it continues until my next appointment they are going to try some kind of medication. Which in itself scares the crap out of me. This poor little one growing inside of me is already being affected by my stress, what am I doing?

I am angry, this is supposed to be a happy time. Anyone who has been through infertility knows how fragile PG is and how hard it is to just enjoy it. Now I have my parents driving me right crazy. What the heck did I do to deserve this treatment from them? Now that I finally have little ones of my own I really can't even begin to imagine treating them in such a manner, stripping away every ounce of self confidence, belittling everything they do, criticizing every thing they do. What kind of person does this to a child?

I no longer know what I need to do to get past this. I guess I will finally have to seek out some 'help' in this matter. I was planning on waiting until after the PG but it seems as though I need to do something sooner than later. Can't they just let us be happy?

The PG is progressing well other that the worry about what the depression is doing to the poor little one. I have seemed to have renewed my subscription to M/S. 15 plus weeks and I am back looking at the toilet from the wrong end! (Well I guess if it was the right end I wouldn't be looking now would I!) Needless to say not happy about feeling crappy, but holding out hope that I will feel better soon. Call me greedy but I really would like to enjoy some parts of this PG. (Who am I kidding I am infertile, do 'we' ever get to enjoy PG without some kind of worry?)

As you can see despite the little pieces falling off of me due to depression I still manage to hold on to some of my snarky sarcasm! Gotta have something right?

Off I go I suppose I should get some work done given that I am getting paid to do so.

Take care