Monday, January 08, 2007

Pieces of me...

Well I had these great plans to get right back to blogging regularly once the new year hit. As you can see my plans just haven't come together yet. But alas the New Year isn't over just yet so there is hope for me.

I have been fighting a nasty depression that has kept me in bed far to often. I think a majority of it is brought on by the crap my parents keep sending my way. WTF is their problem, can't they at least give me a break while I am PG. It seems as though they are the only source of my stress and it is making me sick sick sick. I am sad that it seems that I have spent a majority of this PG so far (trying desperately to change this) in a state of major depression. I have discussed this with my OB and if it continues until my next appointment they are going to try some kind of medication. Which in itself scares the crap out of me. This poor little one growing inside of me is already being affected by my stress, what am I doing?

I am angry, this is supposed to be a happy time. Anyone who has been through infertility knows how fragile PG is and how hard it is to just enjoy it. Now I have my parents driving me right crazy. What the heck did I do to deserve this treatment from them? Now that I finally have little ones of my own I really can't even begin to imagine treating them in such a manner, stripping away every ounce of self confidence, belittling everything they do, criticizing every thing they do. What kind of person does this to a child?

I no longer know what I need to do to get past this. I guess I will finally have to seek out some 'help' in this matter. I was planning on waiting until after the PG but it seems as though I need to do something sooner than later. Can't they just let us be happy?

The PG is progressing well other that the worry about what the depression is doing to the poor little one. I have seemed to have renewed my subscription to M/S. 15 plus weeks and I am back looking at the toilet from the wrong end! (Well I guess if it was the right end I wouldn't be looking now would I!) Needless to say not happy about feeling crappy, but holding out hope that I will feel better soon. Call me greedy but I really would like to enjoy some parts of this PG. (Who am I kidding I am infertile, do 'we' ever get to enjoy PG without some kind of worry?)

As you can see despite the little pieces falling off of me due to depression I still manage to hold on to some of my snarky sarcasm! Gotta have something right?

Off I go I suppose I should get some work done given that I am getting paid to do so.

Take care



At 5:07 p.m., January 08, 2007, Blogger Barely Sane said...

I'm sorry things are not going smoothly for you. I can only imagine what you are going through.

If it gives you piece of mind, our little one's birthmom was on anti-D's her entire pg and there have been no s/e (that we are aware of).

No matter what, I hope things iron themselves out soon so you can enjoy the rest of the pg.

At 5:33 p.m., January 08, 2007, Blogger Flygirl said...

I've been wondering about you and if everything was okay. I'm sorry that you're getting put through the wringer.

I would like to say "just cut them off" but as if it would ever be that easy. But you do need to look out for you first. Whether we like it or not, our moods can affect the development of our babies right? Every time I feel down or angry I get worried too.

Good luck with this Soralis. Keep writing it out. Maybe it'll help some.

At 7:24 p.m., January 08, 2007, Blogger Rumour Miller said...

Soralis, I am so sorry that you are dealing with this... I hope you are able to find a way to deal with the stresses in your life. It is so hard, especially when it is family.

At 11:28 a.m., January 10, 2007, Blogger Just another Jenny said...

It is really sad to hear about how your parents treat you. I can't believe that they don't see how there actions affecct you. It too bad that not everybody "deserves" to be a parent. At least with me, it's the in-laws so it's a bit easier to tell them to bugger off.
I was told that zoloft would be o.k. to take while I was cycling and during pregnancy. It helped me alot after the failed cycle. I know, I'm assvicing but I couldn't help throwing it out there.

At 12:09 p.m., January 10, 2007, Blogger serenity said...

Oh Soralis. I am sorry to hear that you've been so down the past few weeks.

I very much hope that you can find a solution to this soon so you can start to deal with things again.

Hugs and love.

At 2:49 p.m., January 10, 2007, Blogger GLouise said...

Soralis- I am so sorry to hear of the depression and stress! Be gentle to yourself!

You need to do whatever you can to make this time as safe and enjoyable as possible. What does your husband think about your parents? Can you set up some "boundaries" for how you interact with them, and how much "access" they have to you? Perhaps your husband or a friend can help out with things that your mother "helps" you with instead. I am not saying to "cut them out of your life," but you may need to come up with some coping techniques, to deal with the stress of it all.
And before you move on to the Anti-Ds (not saying that you shouldn't), have you thought about going to a local counselor? Sometimes it helps to talk to an impartial third party.

Wishing you all the best!!

At 6:50 p.m., January 11, 2007, Blogger Emily said...

Just lurking in to say congratulations on your pregnancy, and I'm very sorry for the loss of one of your twins.

Hope the situation with your mother has a happy ending, this is stress you just don't need right now.

Take care xx

At 7:01 p.m., January 11, 2007, Blogger My Reality said...

I hope you start feeling better soon. You deserve to.

At 12:36 p.m., January 12, 2007, Blogger DD said...

What are your parents doing/saying that is causing you to feel this way? Are they not being supportive on this pregnancy? That would be so hard to deal with after what you have been through to make it this far.

At 8:02 p.m., January 12, 2007, Blogger Sui Ling said...

Hi Solaris,
It has taken us about 8.5 yrs of infertilty before we were blessed with our ds. And we are considering a last FET.

The only thing I do know about depression from when I was going to thru treatments and acupuncture. The Acu dr. told me that depression can get caused by low level of DHA after a child's birth since the child might have taken alot of your body's DHA and during nursing. (Postpartum depression). Not sure if your Dr. believes in that. Not sure if your present case is due to your DHA being low.
My Acu had me take DHA from algea (Omega-3) while pg and after pg. I did see a difference after pg when I did not take it for a week since I ran out that I got a bit depressed. The DHA is Omega-3 which is usually what you get from eating fish that feeds from algea not farm-raised. I know you cannot eat alot of fish while pg. therefore I got it as a supplement by my acu Dr. This is just a suggestion.
The brand he gave me is by Neuromins. I am still taking it.

I hope things ease up with your family. I know the stress family can cause. At my side it is usually my MIL.
Take-care. Hope this info. may help you. Perhaps your DHA level might be low.

At 10:26 a.m., January 15, 2007, Blogger Sui Ling said...

Hi Solaris,
One more that I just remember. Some of my friends found info. concerning postpartum depression where they recommended eating dark chocolate. I figured I just pass you this info. also.


At 12:32 p.m., January 15, 2007, Blogger UtRus said...

K, soralis, listen. get yourself a mental health professional, and do it now. get a therapist or since you're considering meds (a good consideration) perhaps check out a psychiatrist (MD) who would be covered by your provincial health care. Meds have a much better prognosis when coupled with therapy and as a person who goes EVERY WEEK, I can tell you it helps. a lot.

Another thing. There is no evidence that our own feelings directly affect the development of our babies. Yes, some of the offshoots of depression can have effects: if you stop eating well, if you start using drugs or drinking, if you harm yourself, etc. but don't give yourself more stress by thinking you are causing harm by feeling bad. there is simply no evidence.

hang in there. you are not alone and many women feel depression during and after pregnancy. it's not talked about it enough. but the medical community is learning more and you can definitley get help and support. do it. you WILL feel better.


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