Happy Holidays...

To all of those who celebrate wishing you a very Merry Christmas and may all your dreams come true in the New Year.

Just a quick note to let you know that my u/s on Thursday went well. LM (Little Monkey) is measuring as expected and it's little heart was beating away. I feel like I can breathe a little easier now.

I will be taking a bit of a break see you all in the New Year!

Just Checking In...

Well it has been another week from H E double hockey sticks, compliments of my mother. There is ALWAYS something with HER. (We really need to move!) She screamed at me because I asked her if she could make sure that she closed the baby wipe containers after she has opened them or the wipes will dry out. I am quite sure it was my fault she didn't close them!!!! The hubs and I are contemplating boycotting Xmas with the family this year, but as a friend pointed out it won't matter what I do I will be in trouble. I have never really felt like I 'belonged' at her family functions, no fault of the rest of them. Only recently did I figure out why... HER! I am truly at my wits end and I am so sick to death of her negativity putting a damper on EVERY holiday season that I just want to run screaming for the hills!

So I am not sure now if this PG is kicking the shit out of me or if it's all the added stress from dealing with my mother, or both. I reached the 12 week mark this past Saturday and I am hoping that means a turn around in how I am feeling. I so wanted to enjoy this pg, just a little, but so far it has been very difficult. I am not sure that I am really coping with the loss of the twin very well and to top it off I have been dealing with depression, nausea and I am just miserable most of the time. I don't want to feel so bad any more I just want to be happy and thankful. Maybe my u/s will be just what I need tomorrow. Of course I am scared to death that something will be wrong, I am sure that it will be that way before any u/s I have so I am just trying to accept that.

So on a positive note I am hoping that the new year brings the following:
- a happier moi
- a little enjoyment during this PG
- my mother falls off the planet (OK fat chance of that one, but one can dream right?)
- a move out of the city (more like a hick town! LOL) we currently live in
- twins that can say HI (despite all my efforts they are refusing to learn the word Hi! :) )
- some peace in my life and a whole lot less stress
most importantly
- a healthy baby

Quote of the day
When Christmas bells are ringing
The carols old and true
Of you, dear friend, I'm thinking,
And I send my wish to you.
~ Mrs. W. Baggott ("When Christmas Bells Are Ringing")

Slacker...

Yes I have been a slacker of late! I have been reading your blogs and sparsely commenting.

I was 11 weeks on Saturday and still in denial, how does one live in denial when one is feeling this horrible I wonder? I guess I am just afraid that something will happen to this little one too? I am hoping that I feel better after my next u/s. It will be after the 12 week mark so hopefully that will give me some peace of mind.

I had my first prenatal exam this past Friday. Just the usual Pap and blood pressure check... I will be glad when little one is big enough to be heard by the Doppler. It's all about waiting isn't it? First waiting to get on the list, then waiting for treatment, waiting for an ER date, 2ww, waiting for the first u/s, waiting for 12 weeks, waiting for 28 weeks, praying you make it at least until 32... waiting for the healthy baby to appear. I have never been good at waiting! I am one of those people that enjoys the movie much better if I know the outcome first. :)

I haven't been keeping up these days as I am beyond stress, my family is making me totally nuts. I really don't know how much more I can take. With my mom it's ALL about drama and making the easy things as difficult as possible and the difficult things even more difficult, oh yes and the drama. I just want to enjoy some peace for a while. She has literally sucked the joy out of Christmas for as long as I can remember and I am just waiting for this years drama to unfold. I have decided that I have to find a way to deal with all this anger so I am going to see out some professional assistance as I can no longer deal with this. I need to learn to accept things for the way they are and not let them bother me. One conversation with this woman leads me to 2 days of stress at least and that is not good for me, my boys or my PG. (Maybe if I say it/think it I will stop being in denial) We are currently looking for a new babysitter so that we don't ever have to ask for anything, wish us luck with that one!

More PG thoughts
Not much to report, still not over the loss of our twin. Still scared about the remaining little one. Feeling like major crap, only care because I can't take care of my boys as well as I like. I have acne like I have never had in my life. I think we will be able to start pointing out the constellations very soon, oh no wait there is the big dipper! :) In a perfect world I would have loved to wait till the boys were a bit older before moving on to another PG but time/age was an issue. I am a little disappointed that they don't understand and can't really share in the wonder. (my father asked me the other day how I was... I don't like to complain, but I don't like to lie either, so I just said tired. His comment was, well you brought it on yourself... I suppose we did, but to add on to our family we really had no choice as to the timing. I would have loved to wait a couple of years, but we are making the best of what we have and we are just thankful that so far we have one little one on it's way.)

I really do hate to complain about PG as I do feel so grateful, but I am looking forward to the days where the nausea and sickness is behind me! :)

Take care

Imposter...

Remembering the primary infertility made me think of how I feel like an imposter in the infertility world since I have had a successful cycle, and now hopefully (crossing fingers) another successful cycle. Heck I even hit the holly grail with the birth of my twins.

I have never really felt as though I found out where I belong, when I was a kid I was so very shy that I never really had any good friends. Then I spent 11 years with the infertility business, so I didn't fit in with the fertile world. Finally I had found somewhere where I was 'part' of the madness. As difficult as infertility is, at least I had a place to 'belong'. Then after the birth of my boys I have felt like I don't know where I belong anymore, as I never really wrapped my head around the fact that I was still infertile until recently. (I don't think I would have ever 'got this' if it wasn't for the WONDERFUL suppot in blogland.) After the birth of my boys I even joined a Twins club, great this should be good right? Well I felt like and imposter there to, I felt like I had 'fake' twins since they weren't natural.

I still feel like an imposter in the Mom world, I am hoping very soon I can put that all behind me and move past my infertility. I guess really that's the Holly Grail in the end... moving past infertility and finally completing my family on my terms.

Take care

Quote of the day

Happiness comes more from loving than being loved; and often when our affection seems wounded it is only our vanity bleeding. To love, and to be hurt often, and to love again - this is the brave and happy life.

J. E. Buchrose