Friday, January 30, 2009

#151 - Healing after Infertility Part 1

So here goes...

My boys are now 3 1/2 and I think that finally I am on the road to recovery from my battle with infertility.  If someone had of told me that someday it would get easier I would have never believed them way back when.  Infertility has robbed me of so much, but now I want to look at the other side.  Yes getting pregnant was difficult, if only you were done with infertility at that point.   Enjoying my pregnancy was almost impossible and trying again was down right scary. 

Reading some of the other blogs of folks who are still in what I like to call the trenches has actually helped me move forward.  I realized that yes I made it through and yes I had those feelings but yes it does get easier with time.  It's funny that my mantra has always been "it gets easier with time", yet during all those years Time just seemed like my enemy. 

I remember the hope I had when we started IVF.  Well it has to work right?  I figured my hormones were out of whack or something because for a short time I felt better.  I waited for 2 weeks believing I was pregnant, I had to be right?  Well I wasn't, it seemed like all hope was gone.  So what did I do?  Why jump back on the train again.  I talked to a nurse who said sometimes people have better luck with Frozen transfers.  So Hope was back again.  Then the next failed cycle.   This is the time of my life I will never forget.  I never remember feeling so incredibly low.  It was like the lights on my world had been turned off.  Devestation was an understatement.  I suppose there are other things that are much worse, but for me it was the lowest point ever.  For me it was the end of my dream to have our children.  I am not sure that I can put these feelings into any kind of words, but if you have been there you know.

At the time I thought it would never change, time was going by, day by day,  I was getting older.  It was also a turning point as I knew I wanted children so incredibly badly that it didn't really matter where they came from.  So I started to investigate adoption.  I had to take control of my life again as I felt I was spinning down a deep dark tunnel.  It was bad, worse then when I found out I had cancer.  So what do I do in the horrible state, sign myself up for another round of IVF, another frozen transfer.  Looking back now I was a total idiot!  What the heck was I thinking?  I just wanted to do one more get it over with and move on to adoption.  Three was my cut off.  I knew I couldn't take any more dissapointment after that. 

For me it was a stupid move but a lucky one.  Who ever thought 3 would be lucky?  Who cares.  I transferred 3 embryos and ended up with 2 healthy twins after a bit of a nasty pregnancy and we won't even talk about my post delivery issues.

At the time it felt like so long from the time we started with IVF.  But really the boys were only on ICE for 6 months.  It  was strange to me how the time felt so much longer. 

Infertility did rob me of some enjoyment through my pregnancy,  I was still new at it though and didn't have a clue about all the things that could go wrong.  (Thank goodness or I really would have worried way more!).  We made it through and here we are.  I new the minute I saw those boys that it was the best thing that ever happened to me and that I wanted more children (ha ha what was I thinking??  Must have been the hormones).  

I really thought that I would just magically be OK after that, that infertility wouldn't matter.  (Again what the heck was I thinking, 11.5 years, there has to be some baggage right?)  I don't know where I got it in my head that I would be OK with all the stuff that happened before, I am not sure why I thought it would all just wash away?  The pain was still all there an very raw.  Heck when we had them it was just past the year anniversary of our first failed IVF cycle. 

I have been trying to put it all behind me for the last 3 or so years and finally I think I am making some breakthroughs.  I think embracing my infertility has helped.  I do believe it has made me a better mom.  I don't think I would have appreciated the craziness so much if it wasn't so hard to achieve parent hood.  I do wish I was much younger though as energy does seem to be a bit of a factor.  I didn't realize how the pain has moved to a different part of my brain.  Yes it's still there but much more distant now.  I can recall it if I want, but it's up to me, it's not just sitting there up front anymore.  I suppose some of it is because my life is so very full now that there isn't room to dwell on it anymore.

Sometimes I have feelings that I don't really understand, but some of the gals out there can put it into words that have helped me work through my journey.  Blog land has been a wonderful place for me to recover, it has also given me hope.  I have moved forward with many others, and some I know will catch up soon.  (If not mother nature is going to get a swift kick from me!)    I sometimes wonder where I fit in, but now I think I know.  Support, Hope and understanding.  That's what I can give back.

IF Survial

I have battled
I have lost
I have cried
I have won
I survived

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At 4:24 a.m., January 31, 2009, Anonymous Jamie said...

I'm obviously not past infertility yet (lovely 2WW...) but I'm a lot further than I was before Bo was born.

Infertility changes your life. It changes who you are. So far, it has changed me for the better in the long run.

I appreciate your post and I look forward to moving fully to the other side one day. :)

At 6:52 a.m., January 31, 2009, Anonymous sky girl said...

My journey was pretty short compared to you. 2 years or so from starting to try to seeing the thin pink line. But the absolute heartache and devastation and feelings of failure I felt in that period were something that have marked me for life.

Now I struggle to get my marriage back on track. I feel like IF made me put up so many walls between myself and my loved ones. It's a shame.

All we can do is keep on keeping on right?

At 12:00 p.m., January 31, 2009, Anonymous Martha@A Sense of Humor is Essential said...

Thank you for sharing of your pain and struggles. Your children are lucky to have such a caring and sensitive mom.

At 7:12 p.m., January 31, 2009, Anonymous Carrie27 said...

I love the last part. Very inspiring.


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