Thursday, September 18, 2008

#58 - Realizations

I am not just a mom I am an Infertile Mom, that changes things. I always though that once I was a mom that the infertility (IF) wouldn't matter that it would just go away. I am finally coming to the realization that it is a part of me and I don't have to 'put it away'. It has shaped who I am as a person and who I am as a Mom. I never expected that it will still affect me in the ways that is does, heck I was lucky I had twins (the holly infertility grail) and a 2nd pregnancy.

I never expected that seeing a PG belly would still bring up the emotions it does. My husband seems to be totally over 'it', and he just doesn't get how it still affects me so I think that made me feel as if it is all done it should just go away. Maybe it's because my husband is DONE, and I still long for one more?

IF has affected everything about parenting, not just about getting to the parenting stage. At first I was afraid to be around other Mom's, just not feeling like I fit in. Then it was the PG bellies that scared me off. At least before kids you could avoid these things but now it's bang in your face all the time. Even the sweet smiles of your babies remind you of Infertility.

So now I am accepting that IF is part of me and I am trying to accept it and using it to make me a better person. It's time to find a positive side to IF!

- People that drive down the middle of a country road (busy road, and paved I might add) and do 60 in an 80 zone.
- Today MY Husband
- Gas prices
- Stupid commercials (now come one people that write these things, are we stupid out in TV viewing land?)

So given that I have a list of things that annoy the crap out of me, I thought I should add some positive stuff too! So here it is

- My baby's smile
- Hugs from my boys
- The smell of fall
- A clean house
- A visit from a friend
- When I hear one of my IF buddies had a successful pg/adoption and got a little baby to take home. :)

Baby said dow (down) today to get out of the high chair. I am amazed at the words she is picking up right now. I am just amazed at her progress verbally. Now if only we could get her to stop scooting around on her bum (crawling is truly a cleaner habit as you aren't dragging something around all the time! :))

We had a visitor this morning so the boys were on their best behavior and showing all their 'tricks'. It was a nice break although I didn't get any laundry or cleaning done.

Here is a sign that winter is just around the corner (this pic was taken Sept 13 and now most of the leaves are gone. :( )

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At 6:22 a.m., September 19, 2008, Anonymous tripmom827 said...

I know what you mean about always being an IF survivor. It astonishes me that after 12 years and 5 kids, I can still get that "punched in the gut" feeling when someone annouces a pregnancy. I am starting to think it just might always be there.

I am totally with you on hating gas prices and loving my baby's smile and my kids' hugs!!

At 6:40 a.m., September 19, 2008, Anonymous Sarah said...

There is not much good to see from IF, but the girls I have met online are a real plus! We may always get that punch in the gut feeling when a pregnancy comes easily for other people, but at least all the IF girls can roll their eyes together, then laugh because we actually understand!

At 6:43 a.m., September 19, 2008, Anonymous sky girl said...

We still have most of the leaves here but it's cold!

IF is something we'll always carry around. We just have to figure out how heavy we'll let it be.

It's not so much the preggo bellies and announcements that bother me anymore. It's the aftereffects on my relationships.

At 10:08 a.m., September 19, 2008, Anonymous Kate said...

I still feel like I don't belong when I hang out with other moms.

At 11:58 a.m., September 19, 2008, Anonymous andbabybmakesthree said...

Thanks for all your comments on my posts; your insight is fantastic. I love what you said about having a preference, that it's okay to have one as long as you're fine with either outcome. That's so true and it's exactly how I feel, but I couldn't summarize it as concisely as you did. Thanks!


At 6:39 p.m., September 20, 2008, Anonymous Jamie said...

Infertility does change our perspective on everything. Once an infertile, always an infertile. We just have to try to deal with it. :)

At 9:14 p.m., September 20, 2008, Anonymous The Muser (aka Beautiful Mama) said...

I can imagine that IF would never go away. It is so hard, I think, to accept the parts of ourselves we wish we didn't have to deal with. And what courage it takes to try to discover the light and beauty that somehow has come because of them. At least that's how I feel with trying to come to terms with suffering from depression. Best of luck on your own journey for self-acceptance!

At 9:15 p.m., September 20, 2008, Anonymous JW Moxie said...

This post rings so very true. I could have written it myself, right down to having the twins (except I'm twins plus two). It still gets to me, and that need to do something positive with it is what led me to become a surrogate.

At 8:06 a.m., September 21, 2008, Anonymous Martha@A Sense of Humor is Essential said...

Having children doesn't cure a person of IF. You are wonderful and have so much to offer because of all you and your DH have been through.


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