#193 - Overwhelmed

Well it just seems like the days are going by so very fast. As each day goes by it feels like I have so much to do and I am not getting anywhere. My list of things keeps increasing. Now spring is on it's way and I have this need to clean out as well. I am trying to do only one thing at a time so that I do not get into to big of mess at once.

Every year with spring comes this lovely thing called insomnia, I am just waiting for that to add to my craziness!

I am starting to feel the anxiety of trying to get stuff done. It's off in the distance, just waiting there. I can feel it but it's just lingering, waiting to take hold and turn me into a sobbing mess I am sure. I just have to hang in there... it will all get done and work out in the end as it always does! I hate having the rotten hormones that come with being female! Sheesh and I am not even PMSing!

THINGS THAT BUG ME
- not being able to accomplish things as fast as I need to inorder to keep the crazy part of my brain shut off
- time is flying by so incredibly fast
- this house, it always seems to need cleaning and there is never enough places to put stuff. (I HATE having to dig for stuff... puts me in a really foul mood!)
- I asked my mother to watch the kids this weekend so that hubby and I could go to the home renovation show. She never said no, she said 'what do you want to look at, I will check out prices for you.'. Thanks MOM... I know we don't deserve anytime off child rearing ever. Only you did when I was growing up as I was such a horrible child.
- anxiety... get the frig outta my head!

THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY
- hubby coming home early right now
- finding a box of filing that can go through the shredder - now I just have to find time to shred it. I had to empty half of the storage room to get to my tax box that was really freaking annoying though!
- maybe by 2020 we may actually have a bathroom in the basement

KIDDO NOTES

Potty training... still not going anywhere, in the same holding pattern! I suppose I should be pushing it more but I am just exhausted these days. My hubby pointed out that I worked 5 days last week so that is probably why I am tired. Stay at home mom... I think I am missing something here! :)

The kids were pretty good today despite the fact that their mother woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I felt bad for being on the grumpy side of things but they pretty much took it in stride. I always like to tell them I am grumpy to start with. Then if I raise my voice a little to loud and/or often I apologize and say I am grumpy. Boy1 says 'No mom grumpy', it makes me feel bad. I am far from the perfect mom that I was thinking I would try to be when we were fighting through our infertility. Before we got pregnant I really wanted to be the kind of mom who never yelled at their kids or made them feel bad. Well I yell and I make them feel bad when I do it, I don't yell often though. I do raise my voice when they are in trouble but I try not to yell at them. I grew up in a house that was full of screaming and yelling all the time and there was only 2 adults and 1 kid living there. I never wanted my kids to have to live through that chaos. I think we do pretty good around here so I have to cut myself a little slack from time to time for when I 'screw up' and get a little to mad.

I am sure my mother disagrees with everything I do with the kids. That is the one thing she can't make me feel bad about. I think I am doing a pretty good job considering the shitty role model that I had. In typing this I just realized that there is one thing that she hasn't been able to make me feel bad about, the way I am raising my kids. Wow what a revelation, I never realized that until now. Hmm maybe I can take this and start applying it to the other things that she does that make me feel like crap. Hmmm things to ponder.

The boys were pretty good today. But that Baby just amazes me all the time. She really can play well and even by herself. She gets something in her head and way she goes. I swear I could watch that kid all day, well most days I watch all 3 of them. It is nice that now I am actually seeing some of the thing the boys did too. I really didn't realize how hard it was to absorb what was going on with the both of them when they were little. (Thank goodness for photos and journals!)

Sometimes I am not even sure what to do to entertain them as they have so much fun themselves. I love it when I sit down and they all sit around me and play. I really like it when they do it one at a time too so I can give one of them all my attention. One thing I always do is if I tell one of them I love them, then I tell each of them separately and the same if I tell one of them they are handsome/cute. I always wanted to treat all my kids exactly the same, but I quickly learned that each child has different needs, so at least with the little things I hope they never think that they aren't all equal in my eyes.

Well I have rambled on now it's time to get to bed.

Good Night